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apple2 -> RE: ~~Nuts & Bolts~~ (2/28/2009 12:45:09 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
It is easy to state that the foundation of a D/s relationship is the Trust and the Experience and the Genuine care that is put into it. I agree because those are the Bulk of what the relationship is based on, but what about the Nuts and Bolts that hold that relationship together. The Kinks that you share, the interests you have together, and the spark you feel for one another.
(clipped for brevity)
Steel
Hi Steel.
Well our house and our relationship have maintenance that needs to be done. Not a whole lot of maintenance to be honest. But there are times. Essentially we have a long term friendship at the core of our relationship. So we knew a great deal about each other before we became involved. We've never really had any surprises surface about one another.
The "Nuts and Bolts" as you put it are probably along the lines of honesty (communication to the point of information overload), service to the relationship, sensitivity, and support. It also helps that we *like* each other a great deal. When nothing else is clicking, we've never stopped liking each other. And we tighten the bolts from there.
Initially in our relationship we were a Master/slave couple. And over time we've evolved into more of a Dominant/submissive-switch relationship- and that actually was "tightening the bolts" for us. The 24/7 D/s style of relationship didn't suit the types of intimacy we needed and actually created roadblocks for both of us. It essentially roadblocked our friendship because we were so caught up in protocol and traditions/rituals that Starbucks and a movie didn't occur to us. Since our relationship wasn't founded on the need to "Dominate or serve" exclusively- we had to add other components to meet the needs of the other areas of our relationship. The result was a relationship with very little micromanagement, a great deal more intimacy, and we still retained power exchange- without the cost of restrictive roles.
So our relationship these days is probably more "tribal"- we have a chief, and we have Indian(s). We remain flexible enough to know that our needs change over time, and from the standpoint of poly, so would our prospective partner's needs change.
One of the things we think we did right (for us), is that we entered this relationship actually to actually be with each other. There were not really any conditions other than a desire to be with each other. There was no form of "equity", no need for negotiation, and very few deal breakers (which BTW set a very high standard for what "deal breakers would be").
So I think that yes, the nuts and bolts have to be tightened from time to time. But how much you do that and how drastically you can do that with relationship survival are directly related to what the relationship was built on in the first place- and how well those conditions are accepted by the parties involved.
And on the flip side....
We are not perfect, we might be perfect for each other. We'll know if that is true if one of us buries the other in old age. But I think it's also important to recognize that our path is not the same path that everyone should take. In our discussions we have often cringed and moaned at what we've seen others do with the foundation and maintenance of their relationships- but that reaction isn't judgment.... just an assessment that their path wouldn't work for us.
The biggest tool we have which tightens the nuts and bolts, is the realization that "dogma", in any form, is the most destructive force introduced into the alt-lifestyle community. It destroys relationships. Howling rants at events, munches, or on message boards with messages that include "A real dom does this".... "he/she isn't a real slave"... "you need to find a REAL Master".... "male dominance is misogyny"... "female dominance is man hating".... "that's not poly".... all of these are destructive ideas.And it gets very destructive when this "dogma as a knife" begins being used as a weapon of self righteousness.
We think a better idea (which works on our own nuts and bolts) is to find out *how* to make the relationship work- and then shutup- and have the relationship. It's pragmatic rather than dogmatic. Judgments and platitudes are interesting and make for great reading. But we are supposed to be having relationships right? Given that fact the only standard that needs to be applied is whether that relationship is functional and not destructive to the parties involved.
So it's good to tighten the nuts and bolts, but it's also important which tool you use to do it. Flexibility, rather than Dogma, is our tool of choice.
Your mileage may very... offer not valid in all states (of being).
M&R
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