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Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/1/2009 10:43:23 AM

AAkasha

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Since that other thread had many ladies hoping for something else entirely, I thought I'd start one with the real purpose. How do you characterize a submissive pushing your limits? What does it mean, what does it feel like?

When I talk about "limits" in this context, I'm not talking about "things I don't ever want to do, things that simply hold no interest for me and things I don't find erotic in any fashion and just don't want to go there" - I am talking about limits as: "Things that really turn me on in fantasy, but in real life, I don't know that I could go through with it." There's a whole host of things that are impossible from a practical standpoint, but with some creativity, some simulation could probably happen.

When I think about my limits, they aren't things I just throw out there for all to know. Some of them are more obvious and some of them I keep quiet, because to just announce them would make me feel vulnerable and uneasy, and so there must be some level of intimacy and trust for it to feel appropriate. Also, the impact of the act is directly related to my emotional connection with the submissive, so it doesn't hold the same impact when I consider it if it's just a man who is a very casual acquaintance - usually.

A lot of the less tangible limits I have - they aren't related to *acts* per se - are about places I get emotionally, and kind of focus around my capacity for cruelty as it relates to someone I care for deeply. Guilt plays a big role in it. It's all very ethereal and hard to explain, but I know it when I get there, and a perceptive sub knows it too; it's that moment when my desire to be sadistic is at a cross section with my total adoration and compassion for my submissive, and the two sides are fighting whether or not I should continue. If I can push that moment to higher levels of intensity, where it's so emotionally charged that I feel like I need to stop and regroup, a submissive is clearly in a position to "push my limits" if he can encourage me to keep going while making me acknowledge how cruel I am. This is a very surreal place and I don't get there quite often.

In summary, it's all good. When I connect with a man that undestands me deeply enough that he can push my limits - while dealing with his own fate, so to speak - it's incredibly intense. It requires a lot of presence, perception and effort on the part of the submissive though, and often at a time when he's dealing with his own sensation overload. That said, it's not something I expect or require, but it's certainly something I crave.

Akasha

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RE: Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/1/2009 10:45:28 AM

TexasMaam

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As long as he never asks Me to listen to Rush Limbaugh, we'll be fine.

TM

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RE: Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/1/2009 10:57:36 AM

TexasMaam

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manthing really hasn't pushed My limits. Our hard core limits are complimentary so there is no issue there.

Occasionally he's pushed me to an emotional limit, over non bdsm issues, but we seem to have managed to keep the door of communication open to get past a point of conflict.

I am certain that pushing a limit will come in time; he can be obstinate. I'm not sure where or when it will come, but I have no doubt that it will be emotionally charged and will probably have the capacity to damage our relationship.

How he will respond to what My needs and wishes are at the time will determine whether we make it through that test, or not.

In the meantime, I'll proceed with caution and try to avoid any headbutting contest.

I'm willing to bet he'd like to move faster in many areas, but I'm deliberately using a great deal of restraint right now to head off the potential for disaster.

We are both strong personalities, with deep needs and desires and twisted urges. We both have a history of doing things in anger that we regret, so striking a healthy balance between BDSM and 'vanilla' community life right now is of the utmost importance.

I decided that if I lose him to 'impatience' our relationship wouldn't work long term, anyway.

I'm looking forward to reading this thread, thanks for posting it.

TexasMaam

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RE: Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/1/2009 12:04:31 PM

ShaktiSama

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Virtually every submissive that I've been deeply involved with has pushed my limits in one way or another. Guilt definitely plays a part, especially when dealing with masochism; I actually had a bit of trouble in my first relationship because I couldn't fully wrap my head around all of my partner's masochistic needs. I felt horrible if I left a bruise on her, etc., although she bruised easily--things like that. We were both quite young, of course, and had no context beyond our own personal experiences--I didn't have any websites or books to read, and lord knows the locally available porn was no help.

Over the years I've had partners who pushed me in various ways or helped me explore my limits and discover that they were too structurally deep to move. It's usually a good thing, although I have found that there are some limits that I am able to push past in play, but which have long-term negative side effects. Sharing a romantic partner with others, for example, can be a hot fantasy and is even relatively easy to do when the juices are flowing. But I've found that in practice it permanently changes the nature of my feelings for that person. Sole possession is a large part of my romantic love for another human being; poly play can be hot in the short-term or as a fantasy, but in reality it alienates me and causes me to devalue the relationship.

Obviously my case is a rare one--most people are either poly or they are not--but having experienced this I tend to be cautious about pushing through limits that concern relationship and emotional/identity boundaries, much more so than those which involve physical acts. I've never worked with needles or drawn blood in play with my partners, but I'd be more willing to try that with my favorite masochist than to try and live out my fantasy of pimping him out to other dommes as a party favor. Some risks are more "risky" than others.

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RE: Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/2/2009 12:33:29 PM

Wheldrake

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

A lot of the less tangible limits I have - they aren't related to *acts* per se - are about places I get emotionally, and kind of focus around my capacity for cruelty as it relates to someone I care for deeply. Guilt plays a big role in it. It's all very ethereal and hard to explain, but I know it when I get there, and a perceptive sub knows it too; it's that moment when my desire to be sadistic is at a cross section with my total adoration and compassion for my submissive, and the two sides are fighting whether or not I should continue. If I can push that moment to higher levels of intensity, where it's so emotionally charged that I feel like I need to stop and regroup, a submissive is clearly in a position to "push my limits" if he can encourage me to keep going while making me acknowledge how cruel I am. This is a very surreal place and I don't get there quite often.

With due respect, I hope you don't feel too guilty about your capacity for cruelty. It's a wonderful attribute, entirely too rare, and I'm sure your submissives love you for it. Enjoy it, flaunt it, and find ways to take it to new heights (responsibly, of course). You'll make the world a more exciting and interesting place, and therefore a better one.

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RE: Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/2/2009 12:38:31 PM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wheldrake

With due respect, I hope you don't feel too guilty about your capacity for cruelty. It's a wonderful attribute, entirely too rare, and I'm sure your submissives love you for it. Enjoy it, flaunt it, and find ways to take it to new heights (responsibly, of course). You'll make the world a more exciting and interesting place, and therefore a better one.

Ah, no worries - I have talked about this "guilt" before and really, that's just a bad word for it. Guilt has a negative association with it. It's not a bad kind of guilt. I think a more appropriate word might be "empathy" (but a specific form of it) - it's a moment where there's a clear connection between my capacity for cruelty and my partner's willingness to endure for me - and it's like femdom nirvana for me. It's like an emotional orgasm. It's not a bad thing, at all. I welcome it. I only use the word "guilt" because no other word can kind of encapsulate it.

Akasha

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RE: Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/2/2009 1:10:47 PM

MissLaura1973

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I've recently been approached by a slave who embodies much of what it is that I am seeking - but they have one area that, while it's not a necessity or a condition for service, is not an area that I'd ever thought of going before and something that I'm wondering if it is a hard limit. I'm doing a lot of pondering and reading, now, trying to understand why I feel the way I do about this activity and if my issues are something that are a core part of my identity or something that has been taught / imposed by society.

I seem to view my limits at three levels:
Hard Limits - Non-negotiable and not going to change (animals, children, snuff, asphyxiation, medical)
Firm Limits - Possibly will change over time, but not things that I can imagine doing at this point and it will take a special situation before I'm even willing to consider them
Flexible Limits - Acknowledge that they likely will change, and don't look down upon, but not anything that appeals to me at this time.
The latter should probably be labeled "Not my thing" rather than "Flexible Limits."

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RE: Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/2/2009 2:57:13 PM

dreamysubmale

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Hello AAkasha, great posts as usual.

How can a submissive push the femdom’s limits, encourage her to keep going as you say without sounding topping from the bottom? Could you please give me an example as I am newbie to BDSM experiences (kinks, fetishes, masochism and such) but not to D/s. I hope i'm making sense here. Thank you.

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RE: Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/2/2009 7:01:07 PM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamysubmale

Hello AAkasha, great posts as usual.

How can a submissive push the femdom’s limits, encourage her to keep going as you say without sounding topping from the bottom? Could you please give me an example as I am newbie to BDSM experiences (kinks, fetishes, masochism and such) but not to D/s. I hope i'm making sense here. Thank you.

Here is the most important part of this OP: It's about pushing the femdom's limits -but limits that are limits in a good way, they are things she finds VERY hot but cannot quite find a way to do, they are ideas that maybe are a little too sadistic but her cruel side wants to try, they are scenarios where her submissive partner is put into a state of mind or being that she finds very hot but a little scary. The common denominator here: These are her fantasies and desires, not his. This is, by the definition, no form of topping from the bottom, because you are appealing to her desires, not your own.

This is totally different from "pushing a femdom's limits" in this kind of example: The femdom has no interest in needle play and it kind of freaks her out. The sub likes needle play or is neutral to it, but wants to help her "expand her horizons," so he tries to help push her. The difference is that she has NO interest.

I can't speak for all femdoms, but I have some fantasies that I find incredibly hot, nearly intoxicating. Most of them remain fantasies for one reason or another - unsafe, unpractical, or haven't found the right guy. If I am with a man who can not only understand those desires, but help me make them materialize in safe way, that's incredibly hot. Many subs would like to believe these are highly erotic, edge play scenarios (oh, is it castration!? is it a gang rape!? Is it....forcing a man to beg to live on an Akasha-pee-only diet? No, it's none of these!). In reality, these concepts, fantasies and scenarios are not particularly spectacular, edgy, outrageously sexual. What they are -- they are *deeply personal*. They connect a part of me that I just don't throw out there for all to see because they are very intense to me.

What I can assure most sub men is that they would probably have to approach it from a very practical standpoint, and probably get *no* pleasure from it - other than the knowledge that they pleased me in a super intense way. Granted, there may be some oddballs out there that have a few of the same obscure fetishes, but in reality, they just are -- quirky. But they push my buttons.

Akasha

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RE: Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/2/2009 10:37:36 PM

dreamysubmale

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AAkasha,

Thank you for the response, I do much appreciate it. Very helpful.

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Everywhere man blames nature and fate, yet his fate is mostly but the echo of his character and passions, his mistakes and weaknesses... Democritus

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RE: Pushing a femdom's limits: The Good Thread (tm) - 3/3/2009 12:28:57 AM

VanessaChaland

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Lol, sweet reply. :)