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RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 2:35:55 PM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline 		 
****edited to add, and Lynn only one, Merc's, was an F/R. The rest, including little wonders comment, did not say that, it was posted right uder mine and said in reply to Aynne88.  How on earth would I see that as a F/R? So no, they are not F/R's.***


Because I find a lot of times people use ~~~fast reply~~~right under a post or poster they are going to insult or disagree with and use it as a shield. What does that mean exactly? If a FR isn't directed at you it can't make you think, or comment? Not sure about that. Especially when many of these FR's were directly under my posts and making the same comments re: insecure and jealous over and over.

That's why. I'm going to leave this thread alone because the my way is better  than your way stuff pisses me off and I'm not to cool to admit it. Nor do I want to have to build up my "way" by belittling others. Why can't someone say that they don't need to monitor or want to divert their girl's email or whatever without having to every fucking time add "Because you know I am so secure and domly and macho that I am not jealousand fragile and insecure and blah blah blah like you must be?"  If you didn't see it, cool, but I definitely saw it that way from lots of these self congratulatory posts.  

< Message edited by Aynne88 -- 3/8/2009 2:41:30 PM >

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 2:55:23 PM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aynne88


****edited to add, and Lynn only one, Merc's, was an F/R. The rest, including little wonders comment, did not say that, it was posted right uder mine and said in reply to Aynne88.  How on earth would I see that as a F/R? So no, they are not F/R's.***


Because I find a lot of times people use ~~~fast reply~~~right under a post or poster they are going to insult or disagree with and use it as a shield. What does that mean exactly? If a FR isn't directed at you it can't make you think, or comment? Not sure about that. Especially when many of these FR's were directly under my posts and making the same comments re: insecure and jealous over and over.

That's why. I'm going to leave this thread alone because the my way is better  than your way stuff pisses me off and I'm not to cool to admit it. Nor do I want to have to build up my "way" by belittling others. Why can't someone say that they don't need to monitor or want to divert their girl's email or whatever without having to every fucking time add "Because you know I am so secure and domly and macho that I am not jealousand fragile and insecure and blah blah blah like you must be?"  If you didn't see it, cool, but I definitely saw it that way from lots of these self congratulatory posts.  


Funny, I didn't see any posts directed at you or your lifestyle either, Aynne. I also wouldn't characterize any of the posts as posturing or a pissing contest of any kind. In fact, I think it's been quite civil and find that most posters have simply answered the question posed in the OP, from their own points of view and experience.




< Message edited by cjan -- 3/8/2009 2:57:43 PM >

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti



(in reply to Aynne88)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 2:56:54 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		I've never been with a dominant that restricted my communication but I can see some appeal with the protection element. There are times when some things take energy to deal with, energy that should be going elsewhere.

From those that I've spoken to, those who have written about it and have it in their profiles I get that there is more than just jealousy behind the directive. I think that jealousy is too easy of an answer and one that tends to inflame.

As in every thread there will be things that apply to the reader, and things that most certainly do not. A bit like the topic itself, if it doesn't apply then send it to the spam box.

Aynne I think you are taking the responses here far too personally, littlewonders was below yours yes.. but it actually said 'in reply to Aquatic Sub'. Something about this topic is a hot issue for you and it shouldn't be. It sure isn't worth getting all het up about. (Okay I rarely get to use that word so yay for the opportunity ).

Nearly all the responses seemed to be toward the topic itself, not toward you personally. Please take a deep breath then exhale!


_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to Aynne88)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 3:12:02 PM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline 		I think I'll do what I said and leave this thread alone Camille. It's just not worth it and my perspective is still mine, and I absolutely saw it differently.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



(in reply to camille65)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 3:17:43 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper

There's a common tendency in all facets of life and love to hide the things we love. This thread is aims specifically at dominants who insist their submissives/slaves do not speak with any other dominants - particularly males. The wording usually is "Master wishes I do not speak to..." and other variants, implying that it is more often the dominant making this request, not the submissive.

I do understand that an owner has a responsibility to protect a pet from users, womanizers, seducers, and con artists, but I get the feeling the drive is a mix of jealousy and insecurity.

I come from the "keep your kill" school of animal psychology. I want the best for My Pet, and am willing to compete with the wolves to give it to her. What does this say for those who believe instead "You're mine now, shut your eyes to the rest of the world"?

Though all opinions are welcome, I'm particularly interested in testimonials from D and s types who practice this protection mechanism.




I don't think he'd ever limit who I'd communicate with. It's not his style. We did talk one day about how I flirt on here and he said it never bothered him since that's part of my personality and was part of what attracted him to me.
That being said...if he told me one day that I was no longer allowed to talk to other dominant men I'd probably ask why, because I'm a curious one. He'd give me his reason and then I'd obey and probably not give it much thought after that.

_____________________________



(in reply to HeavansKeeper)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 3:57:43 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Hello HK.  Thank you for the interesting thread.  Might the idea for it have stemmed from the thread where we were discussing a similar preface in the "Ask A Mistress" section?  It's a pretty good lead from one to the other.  Good head on your shoulders in that.

I happen to think that Steel gave an excellent answer to the question in the very first reply.  The problem most likely isn't jealousy, or even protection in a lot of situations.  The thing is, most males don't realize the ridiculous crap that floods any female's cmail on a continual basis, unless they have access to a female's account.  At minimum, a lot of it can be disturbing.  Much of it is disrespectful.  Sometimes, it is outright rude.  There are plenty of folks out there who couldn't care less if someone has already been claimed and will say anything and everything that they believe will get them a little cyber nookie.

As for My own submissive, I have no problem with him speaking to anyone, regardless of gender or role, if they know how to respect the dynamic that he is in and conversing with them is not to his detriment.  We have run into people who can't.  Yes, I will forbid him further contact with someone when these situations come up.  I can count on one hand the times I've had to invoke this.

Now I want to address this: 
quote:

ORIGINAL: zero69u2
Bad Example of what its like from the other side...
suppose your a domme looking for a submissive boy in your local area.
for simple math You have 500 profiles in your home state to look through.
out of those 500.. 300 of them are already collared and not searching. or in the elimination round 1. - congratulations you just read thru 300 profiles and are really begining to feel the fatigue and hopelessness that dom's feel everytime they start reading profiles. of already taken submissives. You keep your noble intentions and save time by not writing anyone with consideration collar, collar, gorean velcro collar or not looking stamped on their profile. also eliminating all of those profiles that read like I'm a gift, my butt is black n blue and i love bleeding, i peed my pants and need my diaper changed.. eliminate all profiles without pictures..

out of the 200 potential playmates  ----  50 of those are as old as your grandpa.. You dont want to give em heart attacks -- so  now that leaves 150.
out of the 150 potential playmates -  75 of them are GAY seeking Male Dom's.... So you nix those 75...
out of the 75 left... 60 of them have a list of hard limits as long as your arm.. you read thru their shopping list of things they won't do for you and begin to really feel the topping from the bottom that all doms/dommes feel when they read thru such profiles.
okay 15 guys left for you.. and your about to pass out.. from drinking.. 10 of those have'nt been on the website since 2008.. so you can pretty much bank that anything you write to them will not get to them till 2010.
5 guys left to write a letter to..   your so exhausted.. the only thing you can think of to write.. is Hey wanna Fuck.. ;)  or if you are really wired on coffee you might write a long elequent letter that is taken the wrong way. why did you demand  i get on my knees don't talk to me like that you pervy woman. whatever you wrote was taken wrong..... how many of those 5 are 200+ miles away.. in your state but on the other side..
could you imagine how the people in new york and california feel.. with 5000+ profiles to wade thru.


I'll agree with one thing.  You are right that it was a bad example.  If you really think this is any female Dominant's experience on this site, the bad spelling wasn't misleading to your actual intelligence. 

I said this on the other thread that HK and I participated in and I'll be happy to repeat it for you.  There is no reason anyone should change their profile, delete it, or alter it in any way just to make searching more convenient for you.  If you have to read through additional profiles because people don't all chose to split one profile, I just have to say too bad.  Nobody's required to make your search any easier by detracting from their own time on the site to meet your wishes that they conform to you.  The comments you made here (and quite frankly other threads) lead Me to believe you just want the lazy way out.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to zero69u2)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 6:11:12 PM   
HeavansKeeper


Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Tip of the hat to you, Lady Pact. Yes, the idea might've come from that thread . And thank you for the kind words, my thread and I appreciate it.

I'm lucky in that I no longer seek to add people to the relationship by sifting through profiles. Being happy while I entertain the idea of things falling into my lap is a great place to be. I know what its like to be single and looking, though. "The good ones are always taken."

Zero and Lady Pact bring up an interesting viewpoint, what happens when the genders flop? Are submissive men as "targeted" as submissive females, and do as many female dominants impose a "no girls allowed" policy on their boys? (I realize I've ignored homosexual couples, but that's another facet which could have interesting results).

It seems the submissive men rarely have that restriction, probably because woman are less likely to be overt horn dogs and manizers.

Coming back to the main issue, I've learned/realized that "I just want less drama" is a strong motivator for the "No boys allowed" rule. Also, it's apparently very effective, which surprised me.


_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 7:22:06 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		HK, considering the inspiration for the thread, it's a nice twist on it.  I like the way you think.

As for "the good ones are taken," I actually believe there is some truth in that.  No, the concept isn't universal, but it does have some merit.  For the sake of argument, let's look at male submissives.  I use this group rather than female submissives due to the generalization that the ratio for them is the most difficult, followed by male Doms searching for a fem sub. **

There are tons of male s-types on this site.  Ever notice how quickly (within a few months) they are able to find what they are looking for?  That's even with the numbers stacked against them.  I'd have no trouble naming at least 20 submissive males who have graced the boards in the last couple of years who's search was relatively short due to the fact that they displayed wonderful qualities.  I do tend to believe that female subs have the luxury  of sitting back and waiting until what they really want comes along when compared to their male counterparts.

Now, look at this from the other side of the kneel.  Female Dominants (experienced ones at least) have their pick of the cream of the crop.  The best and the brightest are absolutely going to shine through.  To a smaller degree (because of social generalities) fem subs have the same.  I can tell you right now that, if My orientation were different and I were a sub, there are sooooo many on this site that I would see with nothing but distaste.  Tops who have little to no experience.  Doms who have never had a power exchange relationship.  People who want to control others and can't even control the written word through spell check.  Yeah, that would really get My panties wet.  BS.

That might make Me seem like I have an elitist point of view.  Well, I probably do.  Shouldn't everyone?  Seriously, shouldn't everyone reach for the best that they can possibly have, regardless of role?  I would hope that they do.



**  Like you, HK, I am leaving those who are searching for same sex dynamics, as well as poly ones out of it.  I believe both groups face unique challenges.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 7:38:27 PM   
SummerWind


Posts: 314
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline 		It has never crossed my mind to limit who she speaks to.  She's collared.  She knows what that means.  I want her to think, laugh and learn about all things from those people she enjoys communicating with.  It can only serve to make her and us better.   My gut reaction is that dominant types that employ this tactic have some level of lack of confidence in themselves or their relationship.  Or, it's one of those dopey rules for the sake of making a rule tactics.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper

"You're mine now, shut your eyes to the rest of the world"?


(in reply to HeavansKeeper)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 7:39:16 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper

Jeptha,

I see insecurity as a chink in the armor. The armor is the relationship and the chink is a lack of trust. It can be a small chink, and it can be in an area which doesn't matter, but it's still there. I understand no construct is perfect, but I hammer out these flaws wherever I can.

I suppose I'm insecure about my insecurities?
Ha, maybe! ...Or could owning up to the insecurity be one way to hammer out the flaw?

Now, I'm not talking about, or advocating becoming a control freak. I've never actually read a partner's e-mails, for example. (I might make the first exception if my partner were a sub with a profile on this site, however...)

I don't seek "eternity" with my "soul mate" when I go into a relationship. My average relationship seems to last about 1 or 2 years, give or take. It's not a rule, it's just an observation. Though I feel I'm improving at being in relationships, still, I don't feel a need to change radically because I'm pretty happy. I try to be up front about that stuff.

Now, that doesn't mean I don't get attached. I do, sometimes very strongly.

Do you sense an implicit tension there, right away?

Add to that that I'm often attracted to people who are great people, but also sometimes stubborn and independent, dreamers, etc.

I feel secure about things within my control. And I feel secure about my world in general: I think the universe is miraculous and abundant, people basically have good intentions, that I will be alright, etc. I could probably survive in the desert with a jack-knife and a tincan... (-meant to be more metaphorical than literal.)

But when it comes to other people and circumstances, those are things outside of our control.
We influence our environment, sure, but to some degree we have to accept that whatever happens happens.

I get what you are saying about "trust". I trust my partner, too. However (and this could just be that we are attracted to different kinds of people) my trust is in my partner to be honest with me, whether it's about insecurities or being attracted to someone else, or whatever else happens.

Maybe it's a difference in our basic views of humanity.

I see 'em as reliable (and trustworthy) ...but still malleable... still changing...hopefully still growing. I don't see it as a bad thing, though. I see it as a good thing and I want to encourage it.

But it's possible that one day maybe that growth will take them in a direction away from me.

I don't ask that a partner bind themselves to me except purely by their own volition and their desire to be there. It's great, because when they are there, I know they've chosen to be there. And I have a lot of faith (trust) in that. However, the other side of that coin is that they are free to leave at any time...


< Message edited by Jeptha -- 3/8/2009 7:51:04 PM >

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 8:36:01 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

If it works for you fabulous, but can we all stop this bullshit posturing that a free for all open talk to flirt with sleep with others is the only way to prove security and that any other way is insecure, fragile and doomed?
Some people aren't trying, or have to, prove anything.

(in reply to Aynne88)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 10:20:04 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		My slut is a very attractive CD and was tired of all the rude messages.  So now his profile states to contact me first for permission.  A few people have actually read his profile and done so, quite a few others have been deleted and blocked.  It is a filter system, no jealousy or insecurity attached.

(format edit)

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/8/2009 11:18:42 PM   
RainydayNE


Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline 		i dont think it has anything to do with jealousy. there's nothing like that in my profile at the moment but i'm pondering asking him if i can add it. =p
because i mean, when you already have a thing that says "i'm currently involved, not seeking" and people continue to contact you with more than friendship in mind, what else do you do? =p when you say "no," they act horrendously immature. "what are you doing on this site?" blah blah blah... it's just a pain.
there is something in my profile about not allowing people to wantonly add me to their "friends" list, and that is because of particular philosophies we have about what being "friends" actually means. =p alot of people use online "friends" as people collectors, and i try to avoid that.

aren't there also filters here so that you can't be contacted by certain kinds of people at all? because if they don't bother reading a profile enough to see that you're already with someone, they won't see a "don't contact me at all" message =p
then again, sometimes they DO read the profile and figure that they have some sort of magical powers that will cause you to run away with them =p i dunno, man...

(in reply to Vendaval)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/9/2009 4:28:31 AM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		I think that one or both people have to set communications/respectability boundaries when in a relationship.   I would never forbid a partner from speaking to or emailing to anyone, unless those emails would be uncomfortable for both of us, when read out loud between us.   Honest communication is important, especially between two lovers.   

If a submissive of mine, were having difficulty deciphering respectable communication directed at him from other dominants, I would set the boundary for him.    If however, the submissive was enjoying the communication, and not at all ambivalent about retaining contact with someone who is trying to undermine my authority, than I would need a much longer conversation with mine about whether together is how we ought to remain.    M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/9/2009 6:08:26 AM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		I have not used the mail filters but in his case there are a couple of  people he talks with about cross-dressing and they would get shut out too.
 
The best messages are when guys don't read either of our profiles and get the identities mixed up.  lol


quote:

ORIGINAL: RainydayNE
aren't there also filters here so that you can't be contacted by certain kinds of people at all? because if they don't bother reading a profile enough to see that you're already with someone, they won't see a "don't contact me at all" message =p


_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to RainydayNE)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/9/2009 9:57:05 AM   
LadyBanedeFaol


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline 		I have no problem with my slave speaking with other Dominants that have had the courtesy and respect to contact me first and ask for permission to speak with my slave.  He is mine and I do not share lightly with just any dominat.  My slave knows what is expected of him if he is speaking with others.  It just seems like far to many have forgotten basic courtesy and respect that is a very integral part of this lifestyle.  If you were at a public event you would not just walk up to someone else's property and begin trying to come on to them without the Owner of said slave to get extremely upset.

Lady Bane

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/9/2009 10:03:36 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

I'm allowed to talk to anyone I wish. Master trusts me to be responsible for myself and know what is and what is not allowed.

He also has the right to go through my c-mail or e-mail or chat logs to see who I have been talking with and what was said if he feels the need.

Thing is, I have the right to do the same with him.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/9/2009 10:25:02 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Liking it is different than needing it. I am referring to people who NEED someone else to always be behind them looking over their shoulder cause they can't make good choices themselves, or would trust any one that said hi and then are hurt badly either emotionally or psychically.

I was in an elevator  alone and a bunch of drunk  what appeared to be teenagers came on after I did. Daddy was upstairs already, some of them were shouting and screaming,  and being rowdy in this small little space, and I said excuse me please stop shouting and one of the guys thought to step to me, and was like relax it's ok girl what's your problem* and in the more intimidating way not friendly way*and try to intimidate me, I wasn't fazed. Sure it would of been nice if Daddy was in the elevator too, cause I don't think the drunk would of had such big balls, but I didn't need him in there with me to be safe.

If instead I'd gotten all quivery and upset and fell to pieces, just cause some dick stepped up to me, and needed my man there to fend for me, I'd have a problem.  I'm apreciative when he's around and looking out for me, but I do n't need him to.  That is the difference to me, Enjoy Vs need cause you can't look out for yourself with out someone looking over your shoulder.
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisHeavan

YourhandMyAss

Being HeavansKeepers pet, i assure you...i neither need nor require His 'protection'.  i accept it and cherish it as part of our dynamic.  i am an adult and have been for many years.  i've lived a full life and am happy to be under my Masters protection when He deems it necessary.  i find no shame in having it and never will.

(in reply to HisHeavan)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/9/2009 10:27:43 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Sometimes. I would even get people who'd say they were looking to play with BOTH us, not just me, even though my profile clearly said neither of us would play.
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Do you guys reallly get that swamped by email from doms here even though you're taken?



(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Jealous Owners? - 3/9/2009 10:32:51 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		this is a true Fast Reply, because i havent read most of the response

i am a grown woman, and a slave

the man i am involved with trusts me completely.  there are some men i do know that he doesnt trust.  still, he doesnt monitor my time or my mails, trusting me to be able to handle whatever comes, and knowing if i cant, i can always turn to him.

it boils down to this

if you are Mastered, nothing can come between you

if you arent Mastered, whats the point?

tazzy

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 80
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