Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch?

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Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 3/30/2009 11:26:15 AM

InspiredLadySub

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I am a bisexual submissive who is new to CM and the message boards. I have some questions for switches.

So...as a bisexual, I often encounter some misconceptions about my sexuality. One of them being that I need to have sex with people of both genders in order to be happy or satisfied. (Which is totally false, at least with me...polyamory is one of my hard limits, as a matter of fact.)

My question is what kinds of preconceived notions do you find yourself facing, and how many of those notions are actually true? Do you need to actively participate in both roles in order to be happy? Do you lean one way more than the other? Are these just stereotypes with little validity in your experience?

I was curious, because it seems to me that there are many parallels between bisexuals and switches.

Thanks in advance for your replies!

RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 3/30/2009 1:22:04 PM

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Hmmm, well i sappose the biggest similarity would be; both are adaptive to the relationship they're in.
In a conversation with a bi switch friend, she said, "It all depends on their spirit, reguardless of gender. If my will is stronger, then I am domme. If their's is stronger than mine, I submit."

i don't see this as being fickle or greedy or false to one's self. i think is just being a very fluid being, if that makes sence.
It is wonderful when one finds theirself, if this is what you find inside, congrats on finding you

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 3/30/2009 4:12:35 PM

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A lot of people draw the same sort of conclusions about switches that they draw about bi folks.
People also take peculiar liberties with terminology.
Stereotypes wouldn't exist if they didn't have validity at least someof the time. I can definitely say that having been in a relationship with an admittedly bi guy (Which I used to think was an incredibly fabulous idea), that I am more leery of men who identify as bi now because that dude was waaaaay more into men than women and had a lot of annoying compulsions around his tastes. Do I know that it's unfair and illogical to have a negative bias because of him. Yep. Do I still? Yep.
That having been said, I also am highly annoyed with people who have sexual relations with other people of the same sex and call themselves straight.
They're terms just like any other. Can be a great point for dialogue, can be a box into which someone locks themselves.
Davan

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 3/30/2009 4:40:03 PM

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FelineFae is right on the money IMO.. My wife, although she is bi and identifies dom is submissive to me. However, around less agressive personalitys she instantly goes into dom mode. Between the flaming red hair and the bright blue eyes most submit willingly :D but others she will push down by sheer will and yet she is able to maintain submissiveness to me at the same time. I find it a bit fasinating really. Sexually she is bi leaning slightly toward other women, yet while she may appreciate the feminine, she is just happy where she is. She dosent "need" it. She just has the ability to move in that direction if she is so inclined. Felina used the word fluid. its very accurate. the switches and bi's that i have known and do know are for the most part not any more confused or bewildered than the rest of us, they are simply more flexible. I do find however that just like Kinsey sp? had his sexuality scale from strait to lez with everything in between being some level of bi.. most of the switches i know lean one direction or the other. kind of dom leaning sub or sub leaning dom type thing.. everyone seems to want cut and dry.. black or white.. strait or gay.. sub or dom.. but a Lot of people are just not that simple.

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 3/30/2009 8:39:28 PM

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What they all said. :)

I'd love it if we had a sliding scale for the D/s dynamic, personally, rather than the Dom/sub/switch designation. Personally, I lean pretty hard towards sub, but around someone like, say, my ex? Well, put it this way: I couldn't be more dominant around him if I peed on his head on a regular basis... something my first husband would be stunned to hear!

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 3/31/2009 6:50:54 AM

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One of the biggest misconceptions about switches is that they can't control themselves and will suddenly switch in the middle of a session. (False) A second is that you must switch often while some actually go years in a single role. Some get the chance to live out both sides of their life more often, but many don't want to.

I've actually used the bisexual comparison for people who don't understand. Being bisexual does not mean losing control of your sexual urges or viewing 100% of the population as a potential partner. It doesn't mean that you no longer have a preference for one gender over the other (though some may not). In the same way, being a switch does not mean viewing everyone as a potential partner or that no preference is felt.

For me, I am happier as a slave but a big part of that for me is because I feel I am with the right partner for me. I truly crave to please him. If the relationship were to end I would be willing to again consider being on the other side of the kneel.

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 3/31/2009 8:02:47 AM

ThoughtfulSwitch

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Shortly ago I've also thought about bisexuality and switching because of a discussion. Yet it is almost the best way to describe how it is to be a switch, because the characteristics of bisexuality are better known than the character of switching. Describing this is almost as difficult as explaining the beauty of BDSM to a vanilla person.

Bisexuality is a pretty good metaphor, as I have a relation to both words, switching and bisexuality. Both are a nice option, but not a must.
Currently in my relationship I'm top and can have my own sissy, if I want to. Kind of opposite of my main interests, but a welcome diversion in these days.
Switching is cool (if it fits to the relationship) - I hope we'll be better known someday.

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 4/1/2009 8:22:46 AM

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i believe it depends on your needs and desires at a given moment. there were times when i was happily fulfilled being a submissive and opted not to feed my dominant urges. however, i find the opposite to be true and i enjoy both aspects for different reasons.

as another has eloquently stated, life is fluid and you will find different scenarios to your liking. people will always draw conclusions and allow them to color their perceptions. paint your own canvas and don't worry about the notions they've conjured. you're in control when its all said and done. best of luck and welcome to the site.

porcelaine

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 4/4/2009 4:18:03 AM

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To me, I accept switch and bisexual, as I am comfortable with the situation and it allows me to explore without worrying about am I stepping out of my definition, not that definitions mean much for the free. Bi switch is freedom, the freedom to choose. Now though I may be bi, it is not to say I am bi with everyone, but I have no problems with gay people or straight people, they are just people, I also have no problems with homoerotic thoughts or practices, I have stopped fearing what I don't know and looked at those once feared things with interest, as what counts in life is that we enjoy life and the most enjoyable bits are things to remember and propel ourselves forward.

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 4/8/2009 2:06:35 AM

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My situation is a little different in that I switch within the relationship. At times I am Domme, at times I am sub with the same person. I am also bi. I have been with men in the past who were excited that I am bi and others who were concerned that I was not going to be satisfied with them because I'm bi. That has never been the case. That is not to say that if they brought up wanting to see me with another woman or to experience a threesome, I was going to decline necessarily. I was happy to fulfill that desire for them. But I know that I can be just as happy never being with another woman again.

I definitely lean more toward men, but that is only because most of the women I have been with have been more submissive than dominant and that need to submit always won out. If I had met a dominant woman and fallen in love with her, I could easily have been just as happy never being with a man again.

I think you are right in that there are definite similarities between being bi and being a switch. Some people do tend to get the wrong idea about both. They think they are being greedy or just can't make up their minds. I disagree. I think they are just being who they are, and there is nothing wrong with that. Just like there is nothing wrong with being dominant or being submissive. As long as we are true to ourselves then I don't see a problem.

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 4/9/2009 7:39:13 AM

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Inspired,

Everyone has a slightly different mind-set about bi and switch and therefore personal prejudice ensues. It takes some dialoging to get things straight.

Pardon the pun...

I am bi and find that most gay women get their freak-out on about my choices.

I am very loyal and poly and this confuses people too. I find many male Doms that say: "I am confused..I am not usually attracted to Domme women but will you consider taking me under your wing"? It happens a lot! Two this last weekend in fact.

I find it works for me if I remain fluid in my connections with people, If someone is also a good fluid communicator it really helps. So does a great sense of humor!

ME

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 4/21/2009 7:19:57 AM

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You're 20 years old. Since you may well live to be 85, I have a question. Can you confidentally say you will be perfectly happy never having a partner of the opposite sex again for the rest of your life? Can you confidentally say you will be fulfilled never having a partner of the same sex again for the next 65 years? What kind of experience do you have giving up partners in the past. If you've been sexually active for four years, and have been bisexual for those 4 years, then why do you now think you could be perfectly fulfilled being only hetero or homo sexually active?

Those of us who are not bi and/or are not switches and want a monogamous long term relationship worry about this. Since you don't have any experience being solely with one woman for 20 years, you can't make any educated guesses about how you will react in ten, twenty or however many years.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 4/21/2009 7:22:36 AM >

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 4/26/2009 3:10:15 AM

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DavanKael, since I was curious, I took a quick look at your profile...I've got to ask you something...why do you label yourself as bi when you're not? You mentioned no interest in other women. And given what you wrote here, I'm genuinely confused.

I took a glance at your profile because I agree that it generally bothers me when for example I might read an ad that is looking for a woman and then she defines herself as straight but wants to play around with another woman, you know as women do (which they tend to claim in these ads)...which is beyond amazing to me. I'm just a run of the mill gay gal so I don't have these questions, but I'd really like to understand why you label yourself in your profile as bi.

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 4/26/2009 3:34:33 AM

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MissEnchanted, I just want to say I don't get my freak on regarding bi women - even though I haven't been intimate with many bi women and the one I was recently with called herself queer (but she failed to mention she isn't ethical, although she thinks she is). That's my issue - not if a woman is bi but is she ethical in her behavior and honest in how she treats me. And that doesn't matter if she's gay or bi or whatever she wants to call herself (and now that would include domme or switch women).

So I'm going to guess when you say poly AND loyal, you're ethical. That's the distinction in all these variations, at least to me. I have no patience for nonsense or using people.

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 4/27/2009 3:53:40 PM

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quote:

So I'm going to guess when you say poly AND loyal, you're ethical. That's the distinction in all these variations, at least to me. I have no patience for nonsense or using people.

LAgirlsub,

Yes, and 'using people' is always a gray area in BDSM forums.

As always, a balance.

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 4/27/2009 4:40:20 PM

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FR

Short answer: I tend to be dominant-switch-y & a boy-chasing bi . .. . . .

But: I think we've gotten nowhere near complicated enough with the labels to begin to encompass the glorious diversity that is human sexual expression, but that's just me . .. . . lol

When I'm in a more flamboyant mood this is the pertinent section of the bag o' labels I like to reach into:

- Feminist Intellectual Cock-Worshipping Pornographer Slut

- Genderqueer / Intergendered Genderfucking Bisexual

- Sadomasochistic Twue Dominant Who Enjoys Topping & Bottoming & Even Submitting Once In A While, With The Right Person

- Shy Exhibitionist & Wholistic Voyeur

I tend to have the most consistently satisfying emotional relationships with women, but I'm strongly physically attracted to guys.

& when it comes to BDSM, it's all about the person. The people in the relationship. The relationship created. What bits those people wear just gets less relevant to me as anything more than details . .....

My rule of thumb anymore is to follow my lust with those who both are attracted to me, & to whom I'm attracted . ... ..

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RE: Bisexuality vs. Being a Switch? - 4/27/2009 8:03:02 PM

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The thing I find with myself now that I've some what settled into my role as a switch is that I lean towards the submissive end of this spectrum. There are people who I know that I am submissive towards and that stays throughout my interaction with them. Yet there are a few who I will automatically assume the more dominant role with. So far the only problems I've faced is playing with a person and they try to place me in the dominant role when that urge isn't so compelling. When I am fully in the submissive mindset, that is where I stay for a lengthy period of time and I don't flip back and forth during a play session.

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