the mindset of a sub

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DarkDominus -> the mindset of a sub (4/3/2009 11:19:33 PM)
my girlfreind and i have just started exploring the dom/sub relationship(I am the dominant,she is the submissive) and im curious about knowing various ways to properly utilise the mental aspect of it. to be clear we do discuss these matters but id like to hear some other opinions.

chamberqueen -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/4/2009 4:28:59 AM)
To get the best from your sub she will need to be able to have complete trust in you. While part of the equation is that the Dom gets pleased by his sub, the other half of the equation is that she must find fulfillment in what she is doing. Otherwise there is no reason for her to give so much of herself. You'll need to know her own particular triggers. Take punishment as an example. Say she has done something that has displeased you and you feel that she needs a lesson. You will need to know her well enough to know what she will remember the most. It might be something physical like a spanking, it might be showing disappointment, I saw one sub here lament because her Master made her drink an extra bottle of water and took away her favorite snack for the day, some choose to have the sub stand with their nose in the corner, etc. You don't want the punishment to break her, but to wake her up and make your point sink in. You'll need to find what is effective, and she will need to know that once the punishment has been administered that the slate is wiped clean and that you won't hold it against her any more. The same is true with special treats. While one sub might most enjoy being taking to lunch another might enjoy something special during a session. Positive reinforcement can go a long way. I know that if I am given a special privilege it makes me want to serve even more wholeheartedly than ever. Praise is a wonderful thing. Simple words like "thank you" or "good girl" can go a very a long way. They can make a seemingly impossible task suddenly seem worth it. So do signs of protection, whether they are in the form of making sure that play is safe, guidance, giving advice when others make her unsure, or simply letting her know that you care about the things going on her life. I have done things for my Master that I never would have believed I could do. Some of these were physical challenge, some mental, but because of the trust I had in him I was able to get through them. The trust wasn't immediate but grew as he showed me that he truly cared about who I was as a person, that the tasks given were not just selfish demands but had my growth (as well as his pleasure) in mind, and the more difficult the task the greater the reward. Most Doms enjoy pushing a subs comfort zones. The trick in doing this is to make sure that you are watching carefully so that they may near, but never cross, the breaking point. Allowing her to share her fears will give you a lot of insight towards that. Each sub is special, and we don't all think alike . You will no doubt get a lot of enjoyment as you come to know her better and learn about the ways to get the best from her. (I hope that I understood your question correctly and that you weren't asking the best mental games to play. I apologize if I missed the point of your question.)

DarkDominus -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/4/2009 4:51:06 AM)
Thank you for your input you were very informative and i do apologise for not properly clarifying my question.

crazyredhead1957 -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/4/2009 8:05:52 AM)
What chamberqueen said. i was wanting to answer the same way, but didn't know if that's what You meant.

lovingpet -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/4/2009 8:59:47 AM)
I guess I just have a boatload of questions for the OP. Is this a bedroom thing, or are you both wanting to extend this to all/most/some areas of life outside of it? Is this roleplay or do you both innately feel your roles? Both of these make a huge difference in what kind of advice I would give beyond the well put advice above. More things to clarify. Is this a live in situations or separate residences? What aspects of dominance/submission appeal to each of you? This tells a great deal about more specific general sets of expectations and inclinations. How long have you been together already? Sorry to not be much help, but I just would like to know more about your particular circumstances. Sub mindsets vary somewhat, but tend to hinge on trust, respect, and communication. Beyond that, a lot of things just get fuzzy. lovingpet

catize -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/4/2009 1:33:23 PM)
quote: Sub mindsets vary somewhat, but tend to hinge on trust, respect, and communication. Seems to me that is the mindset of anyone in any kind of relationship! To the OP: When I first e-mail and or talk with someone who says he is a dominant; I want to know if he is someone I like as a person. Is he smart enough to interest me, does he have a sense of humor, etc. If there is enough interest to explore D/s with him, then I look at whether he meets my criteria for my definition of dominant (and I would expect him to look at whether I meet his definition of submissive). I’ve had several experiences where the one I was interested in was a wonderful person, but their ‘style’ or expectations just didn’t jibe with what I consider a D/s relationship. And I’ve also had experiences where I was told I’m “not a submissive” because, to him, I wasn’t! If up to this point things are going well, then it is time for conversations about what we each mean when we use the words that are the basis for wiitwd, For example, he may be a person who uses the word ‘punishment’ for what I refer to as ‘pain play’. He may want me to use the code word ‘red’ to stop a scene and my experience may be that I just say ‘Stop! My arm just fell off” instead. So we talk about those things so we can be on the same page. I think it’s important to find out not only what he expects from me, but I want to know what he expects from himself as dominant. There needs to be lots of discussion about how I am to interact with him, what does he find acceptable if I disagree with him, is he comfortable allowing me to ask for something. We need to discuss as far as possible the parameters of the relationship. After all that, I need to decide if I am willing to agree to his rules, his expectations. I need to decide if I am able to abide by our agreement. If we have an agreement, then my mindset is that it is my responsibility to follow that agreement whether or not it is ‘fun’ for me. The tough stuff I ask myself ‘is this harmful? (to me or to the relationship?).’ If it isn’t harmful than my obligation is to obey. My mindset is that I continue to use my mind to enrich and enhance the relationship. My mindset is that it is fun and fulfilling to submit to the right person. My mindset is if it isn’t fun or fulfilling, we ain’t doin’ it right!

littlewonder -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/4/2009 3:32:50 PM)
You wanna know her mindset? Not all that different from anyone else and you do the same thing when getting to know someone...pay attention, listen, communicate. You'll find out better how to mentally and physically dominate her by doing this. There is no handbook.

Vinmier -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/4/2009 4:47:15 PM)
As others have said before this, building trust and then finding out what makes her tick. As all subs are different in how they will respond to a firm hand or sharp word, we also differ in how we respond to a 'thank you', or other displays of gratitude. Me personally, my Lady is very good about showing me what I mean to her, we've a very close bond and know when the other is a little off kilter. Today for example, we went out and walked around a garden areas for several hours, and I was very hungry, needed a smoke, hot, thirsty. Basically, I was terribly uncomfortable and before it was readily apparent, we went into the restaurant there, and had a lovely lunch. It brightened me back up almost immediately. It doesn't sound like much, but it was a gentle reminder that she does have my best interest at heart, and was willing to see that I got what I needed so we could continue the shopping for more plants. Back to the OPs original post, it's about nurturing trust. The more the bond between you two strengthens, the more she will enlighten you. The more you know of her, the more you'll understand how to get what you desire, and leave her feeling fulfilled and willing to go further.

DarkDominus -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/4/2009 8:46:40 PM)
Thank you to everyone who replied.to lovingpet-at this point we're mainly experimenting in the bedroom and minimal areas at home.We both feel comfortable in our dom/sub positions naturally, it isn't roleplaying for us. We have separate residences, but we practically live together now and will be moving in together soon.The aspects of dominance that appeal to me most is the mental/psychological dominance,knowing shes coming to me for her needs(to be dominated) and i do enjoy how natural it comes to us.She's told me that the aspects she enjoys most is also mental and includes, humiliation, degradation, breath control, and being told exactly what i want and when i want it.We've been together for 1 year. I hope this helps in clarifying my situation and my question.(no, i wasn't referring to "mind games", but if you would like to share i am all ears) Thanks In Advance

meticulousgirl -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/4/2009 10:55:11 PM)
I'm sure others have said it here but, each sub and slave are different. Some Master's choose to physically punish their slaves and subs while others choose to humiliate a sub or slave, make them stand in the corner, kneel on rice, kneel in the corner period, and others choose to just simply take themselves out of the equation and allow their sub or slave to think about what they have done wrong. When i am punished, M.S. does not allow me to speak with Him, He will not call, will even go as far as blocking my number so that if i attempt to call Him i get a busy signal, but it works for me, a spanking works for me as well He just chooses to take the mental and emotional roller coaster as i enjoy calling it because, first i become angry with him, then i get all emotional, and then eventually i learn to just accept the punishment and think about what i've done wrong to deserve it, and it always works. As a Dominant you have to learn how to read your subs and slaves, learn their likes, their dislikes, and understand their limits in order for this to work out, this isn't just a fantasy if your going to live it 24/7 it takes a lot of work from both people in the equation for it to succeed. m

fantasy69maker -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/6/2009 6:35:36 AM)
ChamberQueen nailed it. But Id like to add just a bit. Those magic words "Good Girl" are GOLD they will get things out of your girl that beatings and dimonds wont even come close to getting. "Trust, Care and Understanding" are used in a lot of the posts too. Since you are new to being a Dom for someone let me me explain a bit. Trust is the hard one for her,when she trusts you she can do things for you that she would never do on her own. Thats because she Knows you CARE, that you want the best for her and you UNDERSTAND her. Understanding her is the hard one for you. There is nothing harder in life than really understanding someone, How their mind works,what their triggers are and what their responces will be. The key part here and thus to all the preceeding is that you have to know her better than she does.. Let me restate that. You have to know her BETTER THAN SHE DOES. Thats the hard one, its why subs laugh at Doms that just start issueing orders or tell them the know their perfect from looking at their picture in a profile. It takes time and a lot of work on your part. Good luck!

Aynne88 -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/6/2009 6:41:53 AM)
Not to be disrespectful, but a lot of us "s" types don't want to hear the same stereotypical comments. Good girl doesn't do much for me at all because it is so common. He has terms for me that are mine and ours alone. It is just too over used to mean a lot to me.

chamberqueen -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/6/2009 7:34:16 AM)
FantasyMaker has an excellent point. (Well done, FM!) A sub who feels that her Dom knows her even better than she knows herself can become almost mesmerized by him. You can't rely on stereotypes or the patterns of others alone to do this, but have to really pay attention to her. Say that she willingly obeys generally, but once in a while shows a slight hesitation. There may be something in her past that she is associating with this particular task, or some fear that she harbors. No matter what level of trust a sub has in a Dom, fears creep in. They may seem silly to a Dom. Say that you assign her certain housekeeping tasks (as an example). She may someday fear that the real reason you want her around is only to clean and that the play is only given as a token in return for that. Or if your main emphasis is on play she may someday fear that you only want her there for sex. It is up to YOU to watch for signs of her fears and to communicate well with her how special she is to you, that you indeed see her as a unique package, and that you want her in your life because it truly pleases you. When I was first with my Master my trust began to grow in him right off the bat, but when he started pointing out things in me that I had missed myself it really sped up the process. I am unusual in many ways, and I knew that he wasn't just making good guesses based on how many women would feel but that he really understood ME. There were times when I even thought he was wrong about something but soon afterward realized that he was right and that I had simply been hiding something from myself. Besides being amazed at how well he could read me it also gave me reassurance that he truly cared enough about me to look closely enough to see these things. If you can do that with your sub you both are in for an amazing adventure.

crazyredhead1957 -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/6/2009 9:26:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fantasy69maker ChamberQueen nailed it. But Id like to add just a bit. Those magic words "Good Girl" are GOLD they will get things out of your girl that beatings and dimonds wont even come close to getting. This does it for me. ~smile~ "Trust, Care and Understanding" are used in a lot of the posts too. Since you are new to being a Dom for someone let me me explain a bit. Trust is the hard one for her,when she trusts you she can do things for you that she would never do on her own. Thats because she Knows you CARE, that you want the best for her and you UNDERSTAND her. Works for me. Understanding her is the hard one for you. There is nothing harder in life than really understanding someone, How their mind works,what their triggers are and what their responces will be. The key part here and thus to all the preceeding is that you have to know her better than she does.. Let me restate that. You have to know her BETTER THAN SHE DOES. Thats the hard one, its why subs laugh at Doms that just start issueing orders or tell them the know their perfect from looking at their picture in a profile. It takes time and a lot of work on your part. How true!! Good luck! Wonderful post Fantasy69Maker. ~smiles~ edited for capitalization

xxblushesxx -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/6/2009 11:06:59 AM)
Try this: http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html Good luck!

slvemike4u -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/6/2009 3:45:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aynne88 Not to be disrespectful, but a lot of us "s" types don't want to hear the same stereotypical comments. Good girl doesn't do much for me at all because it is so common. He has terms for me that are mine and ours alone. It is just too over used to mean a lot to me. I have to agree with Aynne here "good girl" just doesn't work for me.

Lockit -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/6/2009 3:50:31 PM)
Oh Mike... you make me think even more evil! hehe

atypicalsub -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/6/2009 9:37:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aynne88 Not to be disrespectful, but a lot of us "s" types don't want to hear the same stereotypical comments. Good girl doesn't do much for me at all because it is so common. He has terms for me that are mine and ours alone. It is just too over used to mean a lot to me. This is so true. What makes a pet name endearing is knowing it is something that the person associates with only you. If they feel it is generic, that you may have used it with previous partners, then it may sound hollow. My Mistress has been involved in this lifestyle far longer than I have. I know she has had more than a dozen subs/slaves before me. Yet I know that my service is something unique and special to her, and that is why I work every day to please her and become distress when I disappoint her.

marie2 -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/6/2009 10:08:08 PM)
I agree that positive reinforcement is the best "tool". Whether it's "good girl" or "I'm proud of you" doesn't really matter. It's not so much the exact phrase, it's more the idea that you're conveying to her that she is doing well and being pleasing.

crazyredhead1957 -> RE: the mindset of a sub (4/7/2009 10:55:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: atypicalsub What makes a pet name endearing is knowing it is something that the person associates with only you. If they feel it is generic, that you may have used it with previous partners, then it may sound hollow. i shiver when He says "little dirty bitch." [:D]

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