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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/9/2009 8:30:03 AM

LaTigresse

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Yeah, no dudes.

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/10/2009 8:56:10 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

how stupid I was being when I let Ex-Dom and I drift apart. I have loved Him for years -- since high school. He is my perfect definition of Master. He is everything.

It is exceedingly common behaviour to put the ex on a pedestal, when the current guy doesn't satisfy. I'd first think about how come that you aren't satisfied with either of these men. The first one no longer excited you. Your current loves but doesn't f**k.

I don't agree with others that you should find one (or One) that satisfies you completely. Presumably, that's what you've been trying. There is no reason why you can't have your vanilla guy as well as your ex. But the basic premise is that you haven't found anything/one that you're 100% satisfied with. It's called discovery. It is normal. At some point in your life you get to decide where you are going to compromise, as we all do, as there isn't any such thing as the perfect partner. Then you just work out how long you want to go on looking, and trying. Moving to another country is certainly an option, you'll learn a lot from that. But the first thing you have to get to is that relationships and sex are not at all combined by law (that one was foisted upon us by the church, in medieval times). That is a choice, one you make. You could stay with your love and have some cocks on the side, he may well find that acceptable, as it takes the pressure off your kettle. Or any of a dozen other solutions. Just be sure not to hang your happiness on a partner, but on yourself. The question is good, but the answer can only come from you.

(in reply to Ashkitty)

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Post #: 22

RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/10/2009 9:48:18 AM

Lockit

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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You are twenty two years old and your profile suggests to me that there are a lot of emotional struggles that you have. You almost seem proud of your bad girl image and how you wish to be doormat, beat up to the point of bloody and consider yourself back in the game. While you are with boyfriend in a mono relationship you agreed to and accept his love and have given your word to him.

You were with the dom and seeing a vanilla man, knowing you were kinky and that he was not. You and dom drift away from one another, although you didn't realize how important he was to you, even though you loved him for what, four years since high school. On hindsight he was amazing and the perfect dominant to you and you need him. But gave him up because of whatever reasons and now feel as if you cannot live without him.

You are young and while I can't believe that rare sex is enough and you may need dominance in your life... the first thing you need to address are all those emotional issues you talk about in your profile. If you wish to continue to be the bad girl with no morals and a willingness to hurt another you gave your word to and run off to a dom who didn't realize how important you were just as you did, you each seem to be making excuses for your behavior.

If you can't respect yourself and respect the vanilla boyfriend who loves you and leaves you wanting more and you are already here and talking to the dom, you are setting the stage to need more excuses. If you wish to really get through the drama, you need to address yourself and why you would be willing to accept mono with a non kinky man to the point of both loving each other and why you would be willing to accept mono and non kinky and then back out of that when it isn't enough and run to the dominant man who didn't see your value before.

It's time to grow up, get some emotional counsel for the past problems and stop allowing yourself to lose honor and self respect by being impulsive, selfish and unconcerned with who you hurt based on your given word. Before you complicate things even more, it is time to face your personal emotional issues. A vanilla, a dom or a man cannot do that for you. You must do it yourself and by excusing your behavior, by hurting someone or by breaking your word when life becomes boring and you needy, isn't going to work in your favor.

Do the right thing... not just for yourself as there are others involved.

OR

Do the drama, dishonor yourself, play high school games and face that drama when it explodes in your face... you maybe lose both guys and either have to wake up or continue the pattern of excusing yourself and live that pattern until it is a lifestyle or your dystruction. Being submissive is no excuse for allowing the deceit and harm you can do to another while trying to find yourself and have what you want.

Come clean with vanilla... you will play with the dom as that is what you want to do, but if not him, you will find another... with a one way ticket to somewhere.

See the cycle? See the self destruct? If not... go fuck up some more. You are young... you may not harm things so badly that you can't work through it eventually... but why do that?

Personally I think you need to tell the vanilla, in love boyfriend you gave your word to, that you have needs he refuses to listen to and that if things can't change you need to move on and have the honor this will bring. Tell the dominant that you must do the honorable thing so that you aren't the awful person you claim to be in your profile. Then get out there and refine yourself.

Who wants a submissive with no honor and a will to accept what she wants when she wants it and then backs out before she actually is out and finds someone else without communicating her needs and desires and makes a break before someone else is in there? Who wants a poly partner who doesn't know herself well enough to know she needs this or that to be well rounded?

You need to get your act together before you hurt others and yourself. You are waking up to the fact you can't handle not being submissive and that is all well and fine... and a part of growth... but don't leave out the other growth that makes you a worthy submissive and human being.

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/10/2009 11:15:21 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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I'm with those who say forget about both of them. Neither of them has met your needs.

The dom sounds like a jerk. Grow up and forget your youthful love for him. We all have first loves, and they are hard to get over, but we do because its healthy to move on. We do because we mature. In the clear light of a grown-up day, he's getting off on the fact that you can't have him. So don't let him. Forget about him. If he ever was worthy of you, he sure isn't now. He had his chance with you and he blew it. You both did, but you need to focus on the fact that he did too. He sounds very insecure and immature. He let you go when he had you! Why would you even want him back? Ew. * holding nose* He stinks. Be glad you're free of him.

Now on to the boyfriend: HE IS VANILLA. He does not understand about your needs at all, because of this. Some people are just vanilla, and that's fine. Let him go to find a nice vanilla girl. He deserves someone who matches his needs, just as much as you deserve someone who matches yours. You are wasting his (and your) precious youth, for as long as you stay together. Get out of this stifling relationship ASAP. Its the kindest thing you can do for him, and yourself.

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Post #: 24

RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/10/2009 12:53:25 PM

VeryNastyDom

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Firstly, realize that you are who you are. You have needs and you will not be happy long-term if you are stuck with a relationship that feeds half your soul but not the other. It sounds like Mr. Vanilla is not going to be the right one for you, so do the right thing for HIS sake and move on. He is never going to feed your kinky side so let him find somebody more on his wavelength.

From your postings I cannot tell if your ex-Dom is what you are looking for, or not. I suspect not but only you can judge that. However, I do agree with the many postings that say take your time. If you are sure that something is not going to work, end it right then and move along, but no hurry to decide. At 22, you have plenty of time.

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Post #: 25

RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/10/2009 7:05:33 PM

kiwisub12

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Hell - if you love Mr Straight - stay with him, with the proviso that your kink gets attention. And find someone who can do the attention. And make sure Mr Straight is ok with it. It is unrealistic to expect a person to ignore a part of themselves - and that is what you and your friend are doing. Not nice to do. If you can make him secure enough in your love, he can accept someone taking care of the kink.

And so what if kink can be more satisfying than sex? - do you really need to tell him that? What does that serve? Your desire for drama or martyredom? I don't think it is for the good of Mr. Straight. Develop some discretion and be selective about what you talk about. Make it a sin of omission, not commission. (yeah, ok, i was raised catholic).

The point is, if you are truly poly, you need to develop your people and situation skills, and communicate well enough to get your needs met.

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Post #: 26

RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/10/2009 7:31:40 PM

Padriag

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Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Who wants a submissive with no honor and a will to accept what she wants when she wants it and then backs out before she actually is out and finds someone else without communicating her needs and desires and makes a break before someone else is in there? Who wants a poly partner who doesn't know herself well enough to know she needs this or that to be well rounded?

This one paragraph especially bears being emphasized. A dominant who is looking for more than some easy fun is going to want someone they know is a good investment of their time and energy. I've seen too many submissives who, finding themselves unhappy with a dominant who supposedly "owns" them, instead of finding a way to communicate that (by talking, writing a letter, sharing a journal entery(s), etc.) decide to run off and find someone else... sometimes before their supposed "owner" even knows what is going on. Any dominant with integrity and a desire to keep unnecessary drama out of their lives (and who isn't simply desparate for whatever they can get), is going to avoid a submissve who has behaved in such a manner. At the very least, such a submissive is going to have a harder time earning the respect and trust of any dominant who knows of their behavior. Something that could potentially cost that submissive a relationship with "the One".

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Post #: 27

RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/10/2009 10:23:26 PM

Kaiel

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Joined: 4/17/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ashkitty

Oh boy, this one's a doozie. I had no idea where to post this; I'm asking Masters, Mistresses and Slaves/Subs their opinions, anyone at all feel free to answer.

Quick, simplified background. My Dom and I broke up a while ago. I say broke up, because it was never really formal, we just drifted away and eventually both said, "You know, this isn't working. Lets not." It was a very.. actually, it wasn't very anything. It just was. Most likely because it was a LDR; easier.

Just before the time of the breakup, I had been seeing a very nice vanilla man. Since Master and I were poly, this was okay. Only, I began to forget exactly what Master meant to me. Again, LDR distances everything, and I was affected by puppy love. I wanted something closer, and here was this man. So I took him. Then, after the breakup, the new man and I started a mono vanilla relationship.

Fast forward to two years later. Things are comfortable. I live with my vanilla boyfriend and he treats me very kindly. Very, very kindly. Almost.. too much so. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I am a very lazy Domme for how much he caters to me. Gets the food, runs the bath, does the dishes, so on, so forth.

Yet, for all his catering, in the bedroom he does not budge... I am lucky, LUCKY to get missionary. Monthly. This of course, has caused a huge tension in my sexual libido. I'm not getting my needs met. Hell, once a week wouldn't meet my sexual needs (unless there were certain reasons, ie, being denied for a purpose). And of course, I am a sub at heart.. I need to serve sometimes. The catering is very nice at face value, but it.. it doesn't fulfill me. I also can't bring myself to serve him, for lots of reasons I won't get into.

Then Mast-- ..erm. Ex-Dom comes back into town. We talk. He inflames me. I tell Him my secrets; secrets that my vanilla man would be disgusted to learn (and yes, I've tried). He takes advantage of them, twists them, humiliates me. Tortures me with His presence, His unspoken promises of kink, his life, Himself. I don't know what to do. I am obsessed with Him, and I have been intensely for weeks, and to a slightly lesser degree for years. I didn't want it to end, I just wanted more of a physical presence. I want Him back, and I can't have Him. It's not my call. I think of His new slave, and I am irrationally, massively jealous -- not that he has another, but that He will not have me. I want to belong to Him again. I would do anything He asks.

To further complicate the matter, I beat myself for how stupid I was being when I let Ex-Dom and I drift apart. I have loved Him for years -- since high school. He is my perfect definition of Master. He is everything.

I also believe that a (small) part of my problem is that I never had a formal.. erm.. "release."

I don't really know what I'm asking, I just need support and help.

Should I ask for a more formal release from servitude (as I still have the collar He first gave me) and try to get over Him?

Should I tell Him how I feel, despite the fact that because of complicated issues, I will most likely get refuted and suffer more pain?

Should I try to box in my kink and continue living a normal, though princessy, lifestyle with my vanilla boyfriend?

Should I pack up everything I can fit into a few small boxes and suitcases and take my life savings and move to a different country where I don't have to deal with it all?

PS: Sorry for writing a small novel. x_x

I agree with a past poster.. ex's are ex's for a reason... people that you have left in your past, should generally stay there! As for the boyfriend... ummm you don't seem satisfied in that relationship either. I have a novel idea... how about "NO" partner for a while and you fall in love with you and figure out who you are and what you really desire , you'll find Someone that will love you the way you need/want to be loved!! Men will be there ;)

Good luck!

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/12/2009 10:31:55 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
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From: Portland, Oregon
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I'd say lay it all out to vanilla guy.

In describing the dom, you don't flesh out the portrait much, so it sounds like it might be just a crush or something.

But vanilla guy has logged some actual miles on the ground.

And, he was willing for you to get kink elsewhere. And he realized you were poly in some measure.

So work with him on it. Accept the limits he proposes or tell him you want something more. Maybe you can have your cake and eat it too.

Also - notice I said "want" instead of "need"; it's obnoxious to tell someone you need something that they aren't. By saying you want it, you take responsibility for yourself and directing your own future, and you make it less about their personal shortcomings and more about your own desire. It may also ally them with you, rather than setting up their resistance at a perceived criticism.

quote:

...Sadly, and incidentally while I was writing this post, I did a foolish thing on lack of sleep and admitted my feelings. Now I have to run off and manage my own personal -- excuse my language -- shitstorm.

Sorry to hear that. Did you admit your feelings to domguy, or vanilla guy? Or both?
Curious to know how it all turns out.

Good Luck!

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/12/2009 7:00:46 PM

marysdream

Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
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ahhh the drama of the young! so glad i do not have to deal with all this
good luck..lol
ree

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Post #: 30

RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/13/2009 10:02:25 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marysdream

ahhh the drama of the young! so glad i do not have to deal with all this
good luck..lol
ree

Yeah.
It can happen at any age, really, but it's just so *intense* when you're younger!

I do recall that.

To the OP: I'm ok with my partner being poly, but only under 2 conditions: 1) that I trust her enough to tell me the whole truth about it at all times, and 2) that I approve of her partner. Basically, I've got to feel in control of the whole thing and completely informed.

Just saying, cause I think that might be something to keep in mind when presenting to the nilla boyfriend.

Though this thread is getting old enough that maybe you've moved on past both of them by now.

_____________________________

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/13/2009 10:14:55 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
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Lat I agree with you but some men just don't care to make the effort or can't. I have had that problem for the last year and a half, and we've talked about it and talked about it had many tears shed over it, both his and mine and promises to try better and I'm sorryies and after the many talks and tears it goes right back to the same problem, neglecting the sexual needs a nd bdsm needs And so sometimes trying to w*ork it out and communicate doesn't acomplish jack shit.. And if he thinks her fantasies and needs and secrets are disgusting, well then not much is going to change that. Not time or communication or bringing someone else in as has been suggested somewhere else few pages on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

You have several issues.

#1 current boyfriend. Pretend there is no ex-master. Do you love him enough that you would want to work through your problems...COMMUNICATE with one another and get the sex issue straightened out. Have you even bothered to ask the guy why? You write like you are just using this guy until something better comes along.

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/13/2009 12:06:12 PM

YourhandMyAss

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The young are not the only ones that can create serious drama like this, any one is capable of scrwing the pooch, to borrow a phrase and getting all caught up in this kind of drama or more:P

quote:

ORIGINAL: marysdream

ahhh the drama of the young! so glad i do not have to deal with all this
good luck..lol
ree

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Post #: 33

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