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play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/15/2009 3:11:51 PM

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Joined: 1/20/2009
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For months since my "awakening" and the end of my first BDSM relationship in November (we broke up cause he was a slimeball) I have been dying to find a man upon whom to lavish my love, rope, and latex. It hurt me because I had no one.

I was discussing this with one of my good friends and it turns out he really wants to try fetish stuff, and imagines being tied up as a sub. So we agreed to play together.

We went out - kinda - last year, basically because our friends all said we'd be perfect together and we wanted to shut them up and there was kinda an attraction. But mostly we're good friends.

I feel like he's so right for this. I would be absolutely okay with sharing my kinky side with him cause I trust him and I feel comfortable with him.

I really dont know how I feel about him though. The night we discussed this we held hands and kissed and stuff. But I didnt even know why. I have a soulmate relationship with someone else (not neccessarily romantic) and I'm trying to get over the first man I ever deeply loved who shattered my heart last year.

But I know its going to be amazing. It will be really hard not to develop romantic feelings for him.

I just dont get it and I'm horribly confused.

We cant tell our friends we're being kinky together or they'd never let us live it down.

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/15/2009 3:38:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zombiebabe

For months since my "awakening" and the end of my first BDSM relationship in November (we broke up cause he was a slimeball) I have been dying to find a man upon whom to lavish my love, rope, and latex. It hurt me because I had no one.

I was discussing this with one of my good friends and it turns out he really wants to try fetish stuff, and imagines being tied up as a sub. So we agreed to play together.

We went out - kinda - last year, basically because our friends all said we'd be perfect together and we wanted to shut them up and there was kinda an attraction. But mostly we're good friends.

I feel like he's so right for this. I would be absolutely okay with sharing my kinky side with him cause I trust him and I feel comfortable with him.

I really dont know how I feel about him though. The night we discussed this we held hands and kissed and stuff. But I didnt even know why. I have a soulmate relationship with someone else (not neccessarily romantic) and I'm trying to get over the first man I ever deeply loved who shattered my heart last year.

But I know its going to be amazing. It will be really hard not to develop romantic feelings for him.

I just dont get it and I'm horribly confused.

We cant tell our friends we're being kinky together or they'd never let us live it down.

To be honest it sounds like a train crash waiting to happen.
From what i gather your already in a relationship with someone you value but this person in no way into the lifestyle but with this other guy you can have a potential lifestyle(whatever that is) relationship.

So getting my crystal ball out(always impresses) i think what will happen is one of three things
1)you will feel your cheating on soulmate guy and beat yourself up over it
2)you will fall for kink guy and ...well beat yourself up over it
3)you ll fall for both ...and beat yourself up over it and end up ten times more confused

If it was me id take stock,decide what i wanted and chase it without having to scurry around in secrecy.

(in reply to zombiebabe)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/15/2009 3:51:56 PM

dreamerdreaming

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If you will be able to keep it a D/s booty call- or friends with D/s benefits- and he will too, and its agreed upon at the start so that expectations are clear, super. The problem is that one or both partners who start out this way may fall for each other anyway... leading to heartache for one or both of you. You are already saying how hard it would be not to fall for him.

I think you should be very upfront with him about what you've said here. Because if one or both of you might be saying its just a D/s and/or sex thing while knowing full well how easily it could turn into more, you should not go into it trying to fool yourselves or each other. He may not be so interested, if he knows how quickly you could fall for him. He may not want to have to break your heart, whether sooner or later. Would you want to hafta break his, eventually? If you already know from the start that he's not right for you in other ways, why would you risk it?

Its not just your time, your heart, your life you should think about. Think about his too, and involve him in the discussion. Communicate, so that you both can make informed decisions.

Heck, he may be nuts about you, and relish the chance to have you fall for him. But that still wouldn't mean he's right for you.

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(in reply to zombiebabe)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/15/2009 4:13:03 PM

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Thank you for your comments, and to the other members (adjectives withheld) who posted before being edited, I will explain

I am in a very deep relationship with someone but we are not together. I cant define what that relationship is to me. We are very intimately close. It is not romantic between us. We are not together. I am not cheating on him. I feel that he is my other half though. Its very hard to explain.

As I said, I am still trying to move on, and I dont think I am ready to be in a relationship at this point. Because I cant stand to be hurt like that again. And the guy was cheating on his girlfriend with me.

I dont think a strictly d/s relationship is feasible for me as a person. I know my friend has feelings for me too.

I guess I'm saying I dont really want this to turn into a relationship and I'm afraid it will

Oh and if the rest of you would like to talk about my life like that, is it possible you could pm me instead, thanks....

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/15/2009 4:40:08 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zombiebabe

Thank you for your comments, and to the other members (adjectives withheld) who posted before being edited, I will explain

I am in a very deep relationship with someone but we are not together. I cant define what that relationship is to me. We are very intimately close. It is not romantic between us. We are not together. I am not cheating on him. I feel that he is my other half though. Its very hard to explain.

As I said, I am still trying to move on, and I dont think I am ready to be in a relationship at this point. Because I cant stand to be hurt like that again. And the guy was cheating on his girlfriend with me.

I dont think a strictly d/s relationship is feasible for me as a person. I know my friend has feelings for me too.

I guess I'm saying I dont really want this to turn into a relationship and I'm afraid it will

Oh and if the rest of you would like to talk about my life like that, is it possible you could pm me instead, thanks....

But surely it will only turn into a relationship if you want it to and if so would it really be that bad a thing!

I can only repeat my earlier point that you really need to just relax and think it all through deciding what you want or dont want.
If you both want a no strings relationship and see where it leads and no one else is being hurt or deceived then why the hell not go for it .

either way good luck

(in reply to zombiebabe)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/15/2009 5:30:58 PM

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I have done casual play before, and it can work well, but not with people I'm attracted to/want to get into a relationship with. If I am going to do casual play, I don't want it to get very sexual, either.

(in reply to zombiebabe)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/15/2009 5:35:29 PM

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Why involve yours and his friends so much in things? That is one aspect.
Another appears to be your discomfort with playing with someone you do not wish to be in a relationship with. I am much the same way. Either stick with that or develop a compfrt with being more casual.
Best wishes,
Davan

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RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/15/2009 6:59:42 PM

MasterDarkSadist

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It sounds like you don't want to let anything turn into a relationship and have that relationship fail. Whether you let it turn into a relationship now, or it does later, you will still seek one out. It has an equal chance (all things being equal) of working out now, as it will later (i.e. it will either work, or it will not...time will not change who he is). My thought would be go where your heart takes you. Do some introspection, and find out who you are. Play with this friend of yours, and see where that goes....it may very well develop into something better than you expected. It may not. Only time will tell you if that is the case.

For me, I could have a soulmate connection with someone, and there not be a lifestyle component to it...and I would not have a relationship with that person because I cannot and do not separate my lifestyle from my life (I just put up the appearance of vanillism for the vanillas). You say you are different, and that a strictly lifestyle oriented relationship is not for you. That may very well change the farther you get into it. You are very fresh to the idea, and it takes a bit of getting used to. I would suggest that you not pursue too many relationships at one time, as the more you are potentially in, the more confused you will be. Make a choice, and don't cat around about it. You will thank me later, no matter what you do.

(in reply to zombiebabe)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/15/2009 8:01:52 PM

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I find it difficult to play with someone without having some sort of relationship with that person(s). Whether it be love, affection or simply friendship, I need to have some connection to the other person. I need to know them and like them before I can engage in play. But I can say that there are plenty of people I have played with that I am not in love with. There are certainly people who can play with anyone, but I personally don't think this is as fulfilling as being with someone you know and trust.

My advice to you is to start off slowly and have agreed upon limits so that you both clearly understand the boundaries of your relationship. It may still happen that you fall for each other, but that might be a good thing too

(in reply to MasterDarkSadist)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/15/2009 9:45:41 PM

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From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
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Seems to me, being a play partner in BDSM is the same as what you did as play partners as kids. It doesn't mean it's your only play partner; nor does it mean it's your only friend. As long as you keep it to that level, and the petty jealousies don't rear their ugly heads to play a more prominent role than they should, a play partner is a hello'va lotta' fun!

< Message edited by pompeii -- 4/15/2009 9:46:15 PM >

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RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/16/2009 6:34:51 AM

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play partners retro word means swinging yep

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RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/16/2009 1:24:00 PM

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Why does play partners mean swinging LATEX?
x

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/16/2009 3:49:30 PM

dreamerdreaming

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"I am in a very deep relationship with someone but we are not together. I cant define what that relationship is to me. We are very intimately close. It is not romantic between us. We are not together. I am not cheating on him. I feel that he is my other half though. Its very hard to explain.

As I said, I am still trying to move on, and I dont think I am ready to be in a relationship at this point. Because I cant stand to be hurt like that again. And the guy was cheating on his girlfriend with me."

Zombie babe, is the guy you're talking about in this quote the same guy that you are saying you broke up with "because he was a slimeball", in your OP?

Because if he is, then I think the most important thing you need to do right now is make sure you don't let him hurt you ever again: do some active techniques to get over him for good. Because the way you are talking about him makes it sound like you are soooo not over him, and he could hurt you again really badly. If you let him have the chance, he probably will.

The techniques I have in mind do not include using someone else to forget about him. But a lot of people do that, its very common. That doesn't make it right. It could be fun, but it might not work anyway.

There's a book, "Falling Out of Love" or somesuch...A slim volume, if memory serves. Came out a long time ago. A "how to" guide on getting over someone. It will give you thought control techniques that work. Check it out.

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RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/16/2009 3:56:50 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

play partners retro word means swinging yep

Um, NOPE, not necessarily. "Swinging" implies a casual sexual relationship. Play-partners are not necessarily a sexual relationship. I never have sex with my play-partners. Play-partners refers to people that one scenes with but who one is not in a non-scene, committed relationship with. I've had some long-term play-partners, but have no romantic or sexual interaction with them, despite the fact that I may pierce them or do a reptile or fireplay scene with them.

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RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/16/2009 4:04:38 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zombiebabe

Thank you for your comments, and to the other members (adjectives withheld) who posted before being edited, I will explain

I am in a very deep relationship with someone but we are not together. I cant define what that relationship is to me. We are very intimately close. It is not romantic between us. We are not together. I am not cheating on him. I feel that he is my other half though. Its very hard to explain.

As I said, I am still trying to move on, and I dont think I am ready to be in a relationship at this point. Because I cant stand to be hurt like that again. And the guy was cheating on his girlfriend with me.

I dont think a strictly d/s relationship is feasible for me as a person. I know my friend has feelings for me too.

I guess I'm saying I dont really want this to turn into a relationship and I'm afraid it will

Oh and if the rest of you would like to talk about my life like that, is it possible you could pm me instead, thanks....

I've had all kinds of relationships/dynamics at my age. I've dated girls for fun only, I've had a friend with benefits who knew as well as I did that our relationship would never bloom into a love relationship (this was before my D/s days. I sometimes wonder about certain things about that relationship now...but I digress), I've been married, I've been divorced, I've had a D/s relationship with a married submissive that I loved and who loved me...that relationship was D/s, BDSM with all of its sexual aspects, and romantic BUT the romance came to one level and then we both went no further out of respect to her husband (who, just to remind folks, knew and approved of his wife's involvement with me), I've had a D/s dynamic-romantic relationship with my second and third submissive and I've had casual play partners that ran the gamut from D/s with BDSM play with no sex to D/s with BDSM play and the sex.

What that all prefaces is this: you have some decisions to make. You have to learn whether or not within yourself you can separate romance from sex, romance from D/s, sex from BDSM/D/s or are you one of those where all elements have to come together with ONE or are you one of those who can have one kind of relationship here and another there. I seek romantic/D/s-BDSM-sexual union with one BUT that doesn't necessarily mean that I will not play with others in some fashion...or that she will not. But it took me awhile to get here. Don't be in a rush...take some time for you and figure things out and as a bit of advice...avoid emotional entanglements of any nature until you get things sorted out.

(in reply to zombiebabe)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/16/2009 5:26:01 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

What that all prefaces is this: you have some decisions to make. You have to learn whether or not within yourself you can separate romance from sex, romance from D/s, sex from BDSM/D/s or are you one of those where all elements have to come together with ONE or are you one of those who can have one kind of relationship here and another there. I seek romantic/D/s-BDSM-sexual union with one BUT that doesn't necessarily mean that I will not play with others in some fashion...or that she will not. But it took me awhile to get here. Don't be in a rush...take some time for you and figure things out and as a bit of advice...avoid emotional entanglements of any nature until you get things sorted out.

That has to be one of the best bits of advice I've read in awhile. Reminds me of the saying "It's simple but not always easy."

OP, I do understand your dilemma. I prefer to be in a relationship when I involve D/s or bdsm. However, I'm single now and have a desire to explore and experiment. How do you do this without a partner? Yes, its a tough nut to crack.

The only advice I have is to be completely honest and upfront with anyone you choose to get involved with and follow the advice given above.

I do wish you the best whatever you choose.

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RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/16/2009 9:01:28 PM

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maybe what we have here is a failure to comunicate defining what sex is in all its forms and luster can be or could be sexual in someone way there for swinging or shell we redifine that meaning to damn craaaaaziness any how here endith the lesson

(in reply to CarrieO)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/16/2009 9:50:28 PM

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I don't see what the big resistance is all about. If you do develope feelings for the guy and him for you, what would be the problem with that?

Are you afraid that if this develops, you're going to lose your feelings for the "soulmate" ?

(in reply to zombiebabe)

RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/16/2009 9:59:02 PM

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Yeah, doesn't sound like a good idea. I suggest growing up a bit. You sound really confused.

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RE: play partners is a strange concept to me - 4/17/2009 1:53:56 AM

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Awww c'mon LATEX,
Even you gotta know that casual partners or play partners doesn't always have to mean sex or even any sexual contact?
x

(in reply to NormalOutside)

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