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Safe Words - 4/20/2009 2:10:04 PM

curiousinKY

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I am brand new to the lifestyle and play. Me and my new gf/sub are starting to have a little Dom/sub fun in the bed room. I have always heard about safe words and everything but I am having a hard time thinking of one. Any ideas on where to start as far as thinking of one or have examples?

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RE: Safe Words - 4/20/2009 3:08:34 PM

lovingpet

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There's the traditional stop light system. Green meaning you love it and want more. Yellow meaning slow down, change activities, or I just need a minute. Red meaning stop right now something is very seriously wrong. It allows for something between good and the end of a scene as well as being the set of frequent use at bdsm clubs and play parties (not all mind you), so if there is an interest there, it will be good practice.

Please do not get too hung up in using safewords rather than communication and common sense. Both should be very aware of what is going on within the scene as much as possible and respond appropriately. The dominant party should be watching out for signs of what is generally termed "subspace" because some submissives can no longer communicate their needs and do not appreciate danger once they have gone there. Further, make sure that both parties can rely upon the safewords being used properly. A submissive who cries wolf too many times negates their own safety net. Set up the criteria ahead of time. Also think about nonverbal means of safewording in case words are difficult to use or speech has been inhibitied purposely.

Safewords are great for beginners and experienced alike if they are used with sensibility. Please play safe and enjoy the ride!

lovingpet

(in reply to curiousinKY)

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RE: Safe Words - 4/20/2009 6:39:52 PM

NYLass

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Or you can try communication. I know it's a radical and novel idea, but instead of a word or phrase when you're both fairly new, just let her tell you if something is too much. For instance- My shoulder is numb, if she's restrained. Or my legs have pins & needles if you have her kneeling awhile. Before you get to code words, get to know each other first. Then incorporate safe words if you want to try role playing or interrogation scenes (where "no, I won't talk" is a given...)

Just use your head, and make sure you are aware of any medical issues, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.

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RE: Safe Words - 4/20/2009 6:47:27 PM

lovingpet

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I agree NYLass and is the way I am more apt to play. I was simply answering the question posed. I even mentioned that simple, everyday communication is essential as well. I am just hoping against hope that they have, in fact, taken the time to get to know each other. It is such a basic to me, I guess I sometimes overlook it.

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RE: Safe Words - 4/20/2009 7:21:57 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Yelling cramp will get attention.
Safe words are more useful in a situation where the pain is getting intense but she doesn't want to stop. At that point crying "no, don't" is common but you might both be upset if you did stop. So then you ask her if she's using her safeword.

However if she's gagged, you may want to consider giving her a small bell or set of keys to hold. If she drops them, you will hear the noise and stop. Beyond that, if you accidentally hit an emotional trigger, you need to pay attention to her body language because in such situations it is common for the sub to shut down and not talk.

Gp slowly and learn her normal responses so as to be able to identify an unusual response which will indicate a possible problem. No good her refusing to ever speak to you again and you telling her it's all her fault for not using a safeword. They're helpful but not the be-all and end-all.

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RE: Safe Words - 4/20/2009 10:19:14 PM

xxblushesxx

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All of mine were four letter words...

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RE: Safe Words - 4/21/2009 3:19:13 AM

sadomasokisti

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I agree with all. Use normal communication if you are not into heavy role play. Then safe words are useful. I would like to add though, don't rely on your sub to say stop (safe word or not) you must also use your common sense and not overdo things. A sub deep in a subspace is often not the most reliable person and sometimes cannot tell when he/she has had enough, mentally or physically. Before you see blood on your paddle, you have to be sure that she really wants to go that far.

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RE: Safe Words - 4/26/2009 12:58:53 PM

ohsocheekyslave

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indeed - talk and talk some more about limits before you embark - i would often say no ferk off but actually meant give me more - confusing for the Dom i can understand if you haven't really spoken before hand...

the issue can sometimes be if the slave/sub cannot speak due to gagging etc - then certain movement gestures can help! Alternatively use a word that would not normally come up like cabbages or something - unless of course you have a green leafy vegetable fetish - then it could get confusing!

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RE: Safe Words - 4/27/2009 2:49:06 AM

mib

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Hi and welcome . as well as the good advice you have already had you may want to think about a s safe signal as well as a word , this is handy if you have your girl gagged or shes slipping into a faint or subspace . its your play so you two work out the signal . The more you play the more you are able to read her body and as your biginers slow and easy ie if your flogging her stop go close to her feel her back or bum and feel how hot it is and ask if shes ok ,do this right and there will be no break in your play and you can resume when the nod has been given, also read some books on body language and masarge the more you know about the body the more fun you both can have . Opps sorry for going on but as you asked for help instead of being to proud to ask i feel your worth replying to .
Good luck and have fun
Mib

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