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Advice? - 4/21/2009 10:25:29 PM   
yourplayfulpet


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My relationship is in transition from monogamous to one that allows for play.  My boyfriend has found another, more adventurous, sub that he would like to see occasionally.  I hope to have no interaction with her.  Is this fair to ask of both her and my boyfriend?  I’m straight and will never play with her, so I don’t see any need for either of us to meet.  I think this would be considered more of an open relationship than a polyamorous one.   Please help me!
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RE: Advice? - 4/21/2009 11:10:56 PM   
NihilusZero


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Your tone seems to indicate that you're relatively okay with his playing with someone else as long as you're not required to participate. Whether it's poly or an open relationship is based on how his relationship with her develops...but that's really beside the point; giving it a name isn't going to change what's happening. And what you need to devote thought to is what's happening.

The only question in that paragraph is: "Is this fair to ask of both her and my boyfriend?" A question to which there is no answer...or, yet again, the answer is irrelevant. You're asking uknown people here to measure your decisions based on their moral scales.

It simply is. Figure out what you want/expect out of it, and simply lay out those terms at his feet and then find the place at which to agree.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 4/21/2009 11:12:32 PM >


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RE: Advice? - 4/22/2009 6:51:34 AM   
polybi108


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its up to you. men having two women, who dont see each other, is common in France. Just ask. I doubt anyone will care.



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RE: Advice? - 4/22/2009 6:56:16 AM   
subangi


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I think if you're cool with the idea of him playing with another, then that is not a bizarre request.  I have found that alot of subs on the other end prefer no contact with the Doms girlfriend.
Just make sure you are strong enough inside to be accepting of that.

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RE: Advice? - 4/22/2009 6:58:31 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


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The best advice I can give you is that it is as "fair" as the three of you decide that it is. Put it on the table and see what happens. If someone thinks it is unfair, provided that you have good communication between you, it will come up. Watch body language and listen for unspoken hints that the others are uncomfortable, and if everyone expresses being OK with it and you're not getting conflicting messages from behavioral cues, smile, nod, and enjoy yourselves.

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RE: Advice? - 4/22/2009 7:40:36 AM   
chamberqueen


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Many relationships work well that way.  Each woman gets to see the Dom/Master on her own and feel special. 

Since you are asking for advice I will tell you what worked best for me.  I made it a habit to never ask about the encounter or her.  Keep in mind the things that make you special to him, and don't compare yourself to what you think he is getting from her.  Remember that he cares for you or you wouldn't be around.  If you find yourself feeling jealous don't feed it but give yourself positive self talk and the feeling will go away much more quickly. 

You do have the right to ask about protection, and if he wants to be with another sexually it is your duty to protect yourself.  If she is STD free and will be monogamous with him then it lessens your chances of catching anything (if sex is part of the scene).  As much as you trust your boyfriend (you didn't say whether he was your Master or your Dom) you don't know her and don't know how much you can trust her. 


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RE: Advice? - 4/22/2009 9:49:07 AM   
InTonguesslut


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It has been my experience that when someone says they want no interaction at all with a mates potential play partner, that they are not really ok with the situation. I know i personally have used that line when i have not wanted to face my mate is playing or is going to play with others. It was a kind of if i don't have to talk to them, see them i can pretend they don't exist.
 
Of course i may be and often am way off the mark and if so, well i think your request is a reasonable one. There in your situation really is no need to interact with the other girl other than to maybe vet her, check you agree shes suitable etc.
 

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RE: Advice? - 4/22/2009 1:18:12 PM   
DavanKael


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I want to interject the query of: are you sure you are okay with this idea or are you willing to deal with your feelings enough not to be dramatic for it to be so? 
I sense, in the way that you phrased a couple of things, a lack of comfort. 
I don't think that's prohibitive to what's being proposed by any stretch but I favor taking care of one's own emotionality if there are objections. 
I can say from experience that I didn't care for my ex- being involved with 'randoms' (People he had sex with but wasn't in a relationship with) but I allowed and tolerated it on occasion.  I layed down the law with those females and let them know which female was in charge and that there would be consequences for misbehaving and asked the questions about health status and such I felt were necessary, then preferred to have nothing further to do with them. 
Best wishes, 
  Davan

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RE: Advice? - 4/22/2009 2:42:21 PM   
peppermint


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I sense resentment in your post, especially where you say the other submissive is more adventurous than you.  That you want no relationship with her at all and don't want to even meet her seems to tell a lot.  If you entered the relationship knowing your Dom is poly, then he's just doing what you knew he was going to do.  If you went into a monogamous relationship, as I suspect, then I see major problems in the future. 

You really haven't stated a question, only that you want help.  What would you like help with?  Do you need help in trying to accept that your Dom wants another?  Do you need help because your Dom wants  you to meet the other and you do not want to do so?  Do you need help in accepting that your mono relationship is no more?  Do you need help because you think you really should meet the other sub but are afraid to meet her?   As far as what is "fair" goes, well, that's is something you and your Dom must decide.  What seems fair to me might be totally out of the question to another. 

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RE: Advice? - 4/22/2009 8:05:11 PM   
LadyPact


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I have to say that I tend to agree with the last few posters.  I don't think the OP is sounding very ok with it at all. 

Just because the two females aren't going to be playing together isn't really substantial ground for the two of them to never meet.  If that were the criteria, why ever meet anyone that you didn't intend to sleep with?

There's more to this than meets the eye, I think.


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RE: Advice? - 4/22/2009 8:11:50 PM   
marie2


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It sounds like you know exactly where you're at with all of this.  The only thing I would suggest is putting it all on the table with your bf to be sure that he knows where you stand.

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RE: Advice? - 4/22/2009 8:20:40 PM   
marie2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I have to say that I tend to agree with the last few posters.  I don't think the OP is sounding very ok with it at all. 

Just because the two females aren't going to be playing together isn't really substantial ground for the two of them to never meet.  If that were the criteria, why ever meet anyone that you didn't intend to sleep with?

There's more to this than meets the eye, I think.



I think it's BECAUSE she doesn't want to sleep with her that she doesn't want to meet her.

It sounds like there is an underlying concern on the OP's part that her man and the other girl might have threesome designs in mind, and maybe she feels that if she meets the girl there might be pressure to move it in that direction. 

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RE: Advice? - 4/23/2009 7:54:15 AM   
breatheasone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

It has been my experience that when someone says they want no interaction at all with a mates potential play partner, that they are not really ok with the situation. I know i personally have used that line when i have not wanted to face my mate is playing or is going to play with others. It was a kind of if i don't have to talk to them, see them i can pretend they don't exist.
 
Of course i may be and often am way off the mark and if so, well i think your request is a reasonable one. There in your situation really is no need to interact with the other girl other than to maybe vet her, check you agree shes suitable etc.
 

DING, DING, DING!....Folks we have a winner!.... You hit the nail right on the head i believe.


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RE: Advice? - 4/23/2009 10:01:10 AM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: yourplayfulpet

My relationship is in transition from monogamous to one that allows for play.  My boyfriend has found another, more adventurous, sub that he would like to see occasionally.  I hope to have no interaction with her.  Is this fair to ask of both her and my boyfriend?  I’m straight and will never play with her, so I don’t see any need for either of us to meet.  I think this would be considered more of an open relationship than a polyamorous one.   Please help me!


If it's fair isn't entirely revelent to the issue. Is it what you need? If it is, then he gets to decide if he's comfortable with the two of you never meeting. If he is, then she gets to decide if she is comfortable taking his word that you are happy and just don't want to meet her. If she isn't, then the three of you get to decide if you want to try and compromise.

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RE: Advice? - 4/23/2009 11:51:25 AM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I have to say that I tend to agree with the last few posters.  I don't think the OP is sounding very ok with it at all. 

Just because the two females aren't going to be playing together isn't really substantial ground for the two of them to never meet.  If that were the criteria, why ever meet anyone that you didn't intend to sleep with?

There's more to this than meets the eye, I think.



I think it's BECAUSE she doesn't want to sleep with her that she doesn't want to meet her.

It sounds like there is an underlying concern on the OP's part that her man and the other girl might have threesome designs in mind, and maybe she feels that if she meets the girl there might be pressure to move it in that direction. 


I guess I'm seeing it another way.  I'm more inclined to think I'd want to meet those who can find a friendship of sorts with those I am friends with.  To sound so against meeting the gal gives Me certain suspicions.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Advice? - 4/23/2009 11:59:23 AM   
marie2


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Not enough to go on. I guess it's all speculation and trying to read between the lines.  Maybe the OP will come back to clarify what she is having a problem with specificially.  "Please help me!" is kind of vague.

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RE: Advice? - 4/23/2009 12:36:22 PM   
InTonguesslave


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def, when i read her post i picked up hostility and resentment toward the other woman.  totally understandable but i think she needs to be more open with her boyfriend because this is only going to bubble and blow big.

maybe she feels pressed to agree with this or lose her boyfriend, thats a hopeless premis when youre not on board atall with this.

theres absolutely nothing wrong in feeling resentful and jealous, its perfectly normal.  it takes alot of effort on all sides to make poly work but that must be so much harder if theres a woman out there she doesnt know and doesnt want to know.  that would make things really hard and lonely.

but atleast hes been honest, i mean, imagine finding out that he'd been emailing other women and never told her about any of it.  far better to be upfront and honest in these things.

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RE: Advice? - 4/23/2009 3:09:19 PM   
yourplayfulpet


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I discussed this more with my boyfriend (I say boyfriend because he has problems being my Dom, he sees us as equals, a whole other issue), and he actually feels similarly to me.  The other female would like to meet, and I was concerned that I wasn't being fair to her.  I've decided that I'm going to let my boyfriend worry about their relationship, and I'll focus more on mine.  I'm glad to hear that it isn't an unreasonable request.  Thanks for the help.

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