Suppliante
Posts: 3
Joined: 9/5/2004
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In 2003, I wrote a blog post called "Leave the Laundry List at Home." In it, I shared that:
quote:
My position, as a submissive, has never been to not go at a dominant, initially, with a laundry list of expectations and limits, but instead to be enticing (in an authentic way), vulnerable and open, to listen to the dominant's needs and desires, and to try to be pleasing... both in manner and in the way I discuss things with him. In other words, it's my job to show myself in the best possible light.
And it's not that I am without my own needs in a relationship -- trust me, I'm not completely selfless. Instead, it's that I believe, and have, in fact, found to be true, that when I am most open, and most pleasing, a discussion of needs can happen in a way that can be really heard.
There's an old saying -- something like, "I can't hear you because your message screams so loudly." Being quietly pleasing, rather than wanting to fight a battle of wills has always seemed to me to be more easily heard by dominant men.
I have found, in fact, that when a man finds me pleasing, he's likely to be far more understanding of my needs. If I were to go at him like a raging bull, why would he care to listen, much less work to understand me?
IMO... it's not the dominant's job to woo a submissive. Instead, it's her's to show herself worthy of his time and attention.
Ironically, around the same time I found myself again looking, and frustrated by the caliber of dominants (not snotty--just truthful) I encountered. And so, for myself, I created what I called my 'Ideal Dominant Profile." Personally, it was the best thing I'd ever done because it gave me the clarity to look at dominants in a way that was a bit new for me.
While I never expected to find someone who matched 100%, I knew I wouldn't settle for much less. It really helped me quickly dismiss those men I met who weren't right for me. And when I found him, two years ago, I was so intimately connected to what I wanted and needed (because I'd done the IDP), that it didn't take long for me to recognize him.
In case it's helpful to anyone, here's what was included (not in any real order, btw!):
My ideal dominant is:- Loving -- genuinely loves me, but will probably not be "in love" with me. Will not mind if I'm in love with him.
- Devoted -- in different ways than I am, but with the same level of commitment, to me and to the relationship.
- Experienced (with implements, activities, control -- anything he's going to do to me or require of me)
- Self-assured/self-possessed/self-controlled -- knows himself well. Doesn't need to posture with me. At home in his own skin. His world goes as he plans.
- Understands his capacity and rarely exceeds it. Makes adjustments to his commitments when he is overwhelmed. Sees his submissive as a commitment he can't "adjust," except in urgent or unexpected situations/circumstances (and then only for the short term).
- Sees the relationship with me as inviolate as he would see the relationship with his own child. Is interested in owning me for the rest of my life.
- Strong (internally)
- Directive. Sees a difference between my saying, “may I get you a drink, Sir,” and *telling* me to get him a drink, and routinely prefers the latter.
- Mature/wise
- Urbane/Courteous -- does not see it as a weakness to be courteous to his submissive.
- Responsible (easily -- doesn't see owning me, dealing with me, etc., as a burden)
- Kind
- Compassionate
- Non-smoker/non, or occasional drinker/uses no drugs
- Accepting of my physical limitations
- Reliable -- does what he says he'll do, when he says he'll do it. If he can't, he calls as soon as possible, before or after to explain. Doesn't leave me hanging, ever.
- Consistent
- Trustworthy
- Truthful and forthright, even when a topic or conversation will be difficult.
- Honorable
- Intelligent (knowledge)/street smart (life experience)/ahead of me in many ways -- otherwise, how can he guide me?
- A life-long learner. He’s probably done some pretty significant inner work, alone or with the help of a terrific therapist. Doesn’t have a lot of baggage… but what he has is handsomely made and perfectly matched <wink>.
- Older -- probably at least 5 years
- Accepting of me (the whole package)
- Genuinely celebrates my achievements/actively encourages growth -- doesn't just pay lip service to it. Inspires me to my own greatness.
- Allows me to be his greatest fan and cheerleader, contributing to his success in whatever ways are appropriate.
- One who expects me to give him everything I am and isn’t willing to share me.
- Patient
- Private -- no clubs, parties, public play, etc.
- Welcoming -- basically tells me I'm welcome in his life for the rest of his life, come what may... this is like bedrock to me
- Dominant/controlling/imperious/intransigent/unequivocal -- his way, period. Expects immediate obedience, compromise is not the norm.... but all this, too, is tempered by his intelligence, kindness, and sense of what's "right." Never domineering or a bully – he can easily control me without having to “beat” me down to get what he wants.
- Can/will absolutely own his own stuff; doesn't have to make me wrong so he can be right. Can admit to mistakes, apologize, make amends, and move on.
- Exudes a calm, controlled presence -- "fills" a space when he's in it, and that presence alone inspires me to my knees (figuratively and literally). Doesn’t need me to make him feel big – he *is* big.
- Expresses clear expectations/rules and follows up on them; doesn't micro-manage
- Highly sexual, but doesn't see D/s as entirely or mostly sexual, and would never refer to himself as a "sexual dominant."
- Isn't into (or could take/leave) the bulk of the trappings of BDSM (fetish fashion and the like)
- Successful/accomplished -- probably very creative, or high white-collar professional
- Solvent--this doesn't mean he has to be wealthy, but it does mean he supports himself and handles his financial responsibilities easily.
- Cultured --- can be a broad range... but has to have more going on than sports and beer. Probably musical in some way, or plays an interesting sport (probably individual, not team).
- Focused
- Has/makes time for me, come what may, especially if I’m upset/hurt/need help.
- Wants to put his hand in my life deeply -- offering guidance and direction. Realizes that I can't be “parked” (set aside) for long periods of time and remain whole.
- Soulful/spiritual -- has strong beliefs, even if he doesn't engage in any specific practices.
- Respectful of others (including me)
- Absolutely commands my attention and respect (without having to *do* anything specific)
- Literate
- Verbal
- Witty/has a good sense of humor
- Compelling
- Doesn't believe in ignoring me, ever. Can require me to heel... and can withdraw to process whatever needs processing, but communicates what's happening to me before it happens, and makes time to discuss things after.
- Doesn't step over important conversations (including conversations that might be important to just me -- in other words, gets that what's important to me ultimately will be important to him in some context).
- Isn't so sensitive that I feel I have to dance around him when I have something to discuss (can hear "it doesn't feel like you're being responsible," for example)
- Arrogant to a degree -- but it's tempered. Is not at all narcissistic. (There’s a difference between healthy self-love and narcissism, and I know what it is)
- Desires/Requires service of various sorts, and easily finds ways for me to serve whether we're together or apart. Enjoys my geisha-like way of being, and has no problem accepting my service to make his life better and easier.
- Has no problem with my being married, and is probably married himself (in an open marriage like mine). If not married, doesn't necessarily desire to get married. If married, wants to stay that way, and has no illusion that I’ll be leaving my marriage to live as his slave.
- Believes in communication that's frequent and mentally/emotionally intimate
- Wants to know me inside and out -- to some degree, finds me fascinating, even if that's not verbalized.
- Makes me feel completely vulnerable/exposed, yet utterly safe
- Acknowledges me for service. Gives positive feedback. Is unconditionally constructive.
- Values me and shows it -- doesn't think that making me a priority on occasion puts me in the driver seat, but also doesn't smother me with attention and gifts and such. Will remember my birthday and important holidays and will mark them with appropriate gifts.
- Whatever kind of character traits and behaviors are expected of me are also shown to me by him. (for instance, if he expects me to explain myself to him, he's willing to do the same at times)
- Expects me to adjust/wrap around his needs, but also gets that if he doesn't pay attention to mine, it's unlikely that I'll stick around.
- Understands that when I feel unvalued, I get disconnected and lost. Is not into devaluation in any context, ever.
- Has no fears of intimacy
- Enjoys all "normal" physical intimacies and a variety of things that might be seen as more kinky
- Enjoys a moderate level of ritual and protocol
- There is a reciprocity to his dominance (he gives and gets in mostly equal measure) -- not because *I* expect it, but because it's fair and *he* is fair.
- Protective of me
- Is monogamous only if it's by his own choosing. Would never be poly if he felt he couldn't "do right" by the women he owned. I have no intrinsic objection to poly, itself.... just to how it's done, and whether it's done well. If anyone suffers, it's not done well, and I won't participate. My preference, however, would be that this not be a poly D/s relationship.
- Is not a "service" oriented dominant (meaning on who sees himself as serving my needs), but makes sure my needs are met, and offers up some of my wants as well.
- Will commit to an ever deepening of my submission to him. This will require thought, time, energy, connection, patience, kindness, and love. Compels me to give more.
- If he's a sadist, he will realize that I'll take pain for him to please him, but that I don't find pain fascinating, and it does nothing for me (erotically). Is not emotionally or mentally sadistic.
- Physically (caveat... who a man is, and the chemistry i feel for him is far more important to me than looks -- but this *is* my "ideal" profile, right? so here we go): at least as tall as i am (5'11"), fit or close to it. dark haired, or even bald. facial hair or not. a hairy chest. beautiful eyes and smile. hands that make me wet just looking at them (don't have to be huge.. just beautifully proportioned). nice legs. looks great (and is comfortable) in everything from jeans to a finely tailored Italian suit. tattoos are ok -- just not an overabundance of them, or in amazingly visible locations (i like a pierced ear on a man -- i'm not thrilled by pierced nipples or other erotic piercings -- they wouldn't be deal-breakers, but... ).
So... there it is. If you were to create your own IDP (or, for the dominants, your own ISP <Ideal Submissive/Slave Profile>, what would it look like?
A
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Never be afraid to take an unknown journey with a known God. -- Eric
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what i look for in a good Owner - 
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