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A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/26/2009 9:14:15 PM

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/26/2009
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline

Hi, new to this.
I am looking for dom training. How do I go about that?
I've heard of looking on the web but what sites?
I do NOT want to put either myself or my husband in danger so how do I prevent that?
What good reads other than the book 'Screw the roses, give me thorns' are out there?
Is there someplace to get good ideas for scenes?
How does one go about learning how to flog, whip and spank without harming another?
Also what is some good mood music for setting scenes?
Is it normal to feel scared about becoming?
What are some things to watch out for?
I would dearly love to be the dom of my dreams, I'm just scared I'm going to mess it up. How is a good way to over come that?
What are some things I should watch out for so that I don't become a horrible or mean dom?
What are some things I should watch out for so that my husband (sub) doesn't get hurt?
What are some things I need to do so he feels reassured and safe?
How do I not be afraid to broach subjects with him? I mean sheesh my courage really only goes so far.
We've (the husband and I) have tried a few scenes but I feel often like I've messed up, could have done better with more training or was regretful because I couldn't over come shame or fear.
Would feel more secure with someone that's done this, knows how to do this and understands what I don't think of.
Eagerly waiting for more info. Thank you.

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/26/2009 9:25:23 PM

Posts: 5159
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

I suggest you go the link I'm providing. There is at least one group in your area and may be others that are not too far away. There will be skilled people in the groups to teach you what you need to learn and how to do it safely.
http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgsohio.html#OH

(in reply to Leamma)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/26/2009 10:14:45 PM

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

Woah, that's quite a list of questions! Cudos to you for researching things and wanting to proceed safely.
You might want to have a look around the fora, as many of your questions have related threads here. With any luck, our resident links expert, LA, will show up soon with a list of helpful threads for you.
That said, welcome to CM!

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to Leamma)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/26/2009 10:18:18 PM

Posts: 1324
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline

I am still very on the new end of things, but I would have to say take things slow. Don't try to rush anything. As exciting as it can be, you obviously have thought it out and want to do things the right and safe way. Communicate with each other. Don't be afraid to ask questions. The people on CM are great helps.

_____________________________

Owned heart and soul, bound to MZ forever.

(in reply to WyldHrt)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/26/2009 11:03:46 PM

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

I'll try to answer a few of your questions.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leamma

Hi, new to this.
I am looking for dom training. How do I go about that?

Other than local groups, there isn't much available. You'll find that most dominants are largely self taught. Myths about secret orders and european houses are just that, myths.

quote:

I've heard of looking on the web but what sites?

It varies, google it and use your own judgement. Take everything you read with a grain of salt and consider it carefully. If it doesn't sound sensible to you, go with your own instincts.

quote:

I do NOT want to put either myself or my husband in danger so how do I prevent that?

By using common sense, good judgement, and going at a pace you can manage. With some fetishes a degree of risk is inherit, and usually obvious, take your time with such and don't let your pride trip you up.

quote:

What good reads other than the book 'Screw the roses, give me thorns' are out there?

Quite a lot, you'd be surprised how much you can find at Barnes & Noble or Amazon. Greenery Press is a publisher you should look into, they publish quite a bit of BDSM related books.

quote:

Is there someplace to get good ideas for scenes?

Take it from life around you. Books, movies, TV, poems, and songs can all provide ideas. The unexpected, ironic, embarassing, and other events in life can provide inspiration. The trick is to notice it which can be hard to do when you are very busy and stressed.

quote:

How does one go about learning how to flog, whip and spank without harming another?

There is very little chance of harm with spanking, use common sense and you should be fine.
The chief concern with flogging is to avoid "wrapping"... this is when the ends wrap around the side of the torso, arm or leg... and can be markedly more painful than intended. Don't be afraid to try a flogger out on your own forearm to get a sense of how it feels. Practicing on a pillow can be helpful as well.
Whips are more advanced, and there is very real risk of serious harm if you aren't careful. Either find a teacher or spend a lot of time practicing and learning to precisely control both your aim and level of force.

quote:

Also what is some good mood music for setting scenes?

Depends on taste. On the occassions when I've used music I've used anything from heavy metal to pop to gothic dirges.

quote:

Is it normal to feel scared about becoming?

Yes. And healthy.

quote:

What are some things to watch out for?

The list is nearly endless. For now, just don't let yourself get too carried away. Take things slow as you get your bearings, accept that you are going to make mistakes and that they are not the end of the world.

quote:

I would dearly love to be the dom of my dreams, I'm just scared I'm going to mess it up. How is a good way to over come that?

Time and experience... the more you step into the role, the less it will be a role.

quote:

What are some things I should watch out for so that I don't become a horrible or mean dom?

Watch out for being horrible or mean... if it feels wrong, don't do it. Never underestimate your own instincts.

quote:

What are some things I should watch out for so that my husband (sub) doesn't get hurt?

Anything you don't feel comfortable with, anything your own instincts tell you aren't a good idea.

quote:

What are some things I need to do so he feels reassured and safe?

Be confident. Be responsible. Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes, and explain what you are going to do about them.

quote:

How do I not be afraid to broach subjects with him? I mean sheesh my courage really only goes so far.

Try thinking about it this way... who better to talk with about such things?

quote:

We've (the husband and I) have tried a few scenes but I feel often like I've messed up, could have done better with more training or was regretful because I couldn't over come shame or fear.

Maybe you did "mess up". Did you talk about it? Did you take responsibility for your part in it? Did you make a plan on how to make things better next time?

quote:

Would feel more secure with someone that's done this, knows how to do this and understands what I don't think of.

So you want to be a sub to someone else? Here's the tough love part... being dominant means the buck stops with you. You get to be the leader, the one in charge, the responsible one. Accept that, suck it up, and decide you are going to be that dream dominant you imagine yourself to be. With time, you'll get there. Its fine to ask advice, just don't set anyone's counsel above your own. Its fine to have doubts, just don't let them paralyze you. Its okay to make mistakes, provided you learn from them and do what you can to correct them. Its okay not to be perfect... none of us is.

We all walk this road one step at a time. Best of luck on your journey.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Leamma)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/27/2009 3:56:09 AM

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I was a Domme, and while I won't answer all of your questions I will tell you the things that helped me the most.

1. You don't have to assume the roles full time, especially in the beginning. It will be a learning curve for both of you, and there are times when it is very emotional. Give yourselves a break from it.

2. Aftercare is just as important as playtime. Give him a safe word of some type whether he wants one or not, and watch for any signs of distress. That can include being too quiet. Discuss things in advance like whether he wants you to take him to the point of tears, whether verbal humiliation is to be part of it, etc. If you choose to verbally humiliate make sure that he understands that the words are part of the session and not how you feel about him around the clock. (While some might enjoy being called a sissy boy or a lowly worm in a session doesn't mean that they want to be thought of that way constantly.)

3. Give praise when it is due.

4. Use new toys on yourself first when possible. I had a leather strap that never touched another until I knew exactly how it felt on me. Same with nipple clips or anything else that you use.

5. The two books that were most helpful to me were The Loving Dominant and Different Loving. Each points out how love can be incorporated into the relationship, how important open communication is, and shows how to build trust.

6. Remember that as the Domme you have a great responsibility. Not only is your sub to please you, but if he is to continue to do so he needs to see some type of fulfillment himself. That may be physical, emotional, or some combination but make sure that he is leaving each session feeling that he is something special to you. If he continues to get no fulfillment then he will soon tire of it.

Relax and enjoy yourself. Both of those books also talk about safety issues. If you get a chance to go to a local munch talk with other subs about their favorite moments and the things that they least liked. It can be a real eye opener because most of the things that truly hurt a sub have an emotional basis.

In the beginning plan your sessions carefully. Work out a little script, if not on paper at least in your mind. I used to focus on three main things per session until I got more comfortable with myself as a Domme. I started with aiming at about a 45 minute session and would see how they reacted and how easy it was for me to continue. You don't have to do marathon sessions right from the beginning.

I wish you both the best on this journey of discovery. If you can make it work well I think that you will see that a good BDSM relationship is infinitely more satisfying than even a loving marriage.

_____________________________

(in reply to Padriag)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/29/2009 7:19:41 AM

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Lemma,

I am a very experienced and talented dominant, I even teach this stuff in the real world (as do a few others here like Archer) and let me tell you something very important. I STILL MAKE MISTAKES...

The difference is I do my best to both own and correct those mistakes. Not in the "I am perfect and noble" sort of way, sometimes I am clumsy in how I do things, but I am at all times genuine.

You are in Austin, there are a number of real world groups there, join, get involved, watch other people do this stuff. You may or may not end up liking the scene but you will grow from being involved in it for a while at least.

Realize that at the core, all of this is trappings draped around a relationship between people, nothing more. Make that relationship a place of joy and most of the bumps you run into will be no big deal.

The books I would recommend would be Midori's The Wild Side of Sex and perhaps more importantly would be "The Five Love Languages" book. Read them in bed together, share and grow as a couple, connected and loving. Few things matter more than being with someone you love and who loves you back. All else pales in comparison.

As for mentor's, understand this, most who approach you want to fuck you, not mentor you. If they won't give advice sitting in front of a room of their peers, I wouldn't bother listening. There is no honor, honesty, integrity or anything else in the scene as some sort of overriding moral code, anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit.

(in reply to LovingMistress45)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/29/2009 8:14:19 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Damn. It's a mouthful, but I'll do what I can.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leamma

Hi, new to this.
I am looking for dom training. How do I go about that?

Get yourself involved in munches, demos, and other lifestyle gatherings. The people you can learn from will be found there.

quote:

I've heard of looking on the web but what sites?

I have no advice for you about learning on the web. Everything I ever learned about BDSM was because I went out and lived it. I learned My skills as a top in person. I've had some of the best teachers that anyone could imagine.

quote:

I do NOT want to put either myself or my husband in danger so how do I prevent that?

The best lesson I ever learned in regards to being a top was given to Me quite a while ago. Practice is for pillows, not people.

quote:

What good reads other than the book 'Screw the roses, give me thorns' are out there?

Ah.... Books! Something I understand!

ResidentSadist and MasterFireMaam have two of the best book lists going. My personal choices would be "The Loving Dominant," "BDSM 101," "The New Topping Book," (get hubby a copy of "The New Bottoming Book") and anything written by Claudia Varrin. All of these can be found through Greenery Press.

quote:

Is there someplace to get good ideas for scenes?

Plenty. Again, get involved with your local community. You have no idea of the resources, ideas, skills, and inspiration you can find there.

quote:

How does one go about learning how to flog, whip and spank without harming another?

Become familiar with the locations of the spine, the kidneys, and other places on the body that could do potential damage. Again.... pillows, not people.

quote:

Also what is some good mood music for setting scenes?

I happen to like Butt Boy. Your tastes may vary.

quote:

Is it normal to feel scared about becoming?

It can be. Learning to accept being a sadist was a big one for Me. Do a search on the phrase "The Beast Within." It's ok to be scared. It's also ok to be who you are.

quote:

What are some things to watch out for?

Domme's Disease. Thinking you have power over things/people that you really don't.

quote:

I would dearly love to be the dom of my dreams, I'm just scared I'm going to mess it up. How is a good way to over come that?

Forget everything that everyone tells you about how you're supposed to be. Instead, be the Domme you want to be by doing it your way. Make this thing your own.

quote:

What are some things I should watch out for so that I don't become a horrible or mean dom?

Are you horrible and mean now? Why would incorporating BDSM into your life change who you are inside?

quote:

What are some things I should watch out for so that my husband (sub) doesn't get hurt?

Physically, play at your own level. Mentally, take baby steps. Emotional wounds last longer and are slower to heal.

quote:

What are some things I need to do so he feels reassured and safe?

Talk. Talk about everything. Respect his comfort zone. Listen when he has limits. Allow him to build trust in you. Give yourself the chance to learn to trust yourself, too.

quote:

How do I not be afraid to broach subjects with him? I mean sheesh my courage really only goes so far.

Start small and work your way up. A lot of people think they have this communication thing down, but they really don't. It's going to be a process. You can do it. You just have to work on both expression and listening.

quote:

We've (the husband and I) have tried a few scenes but I feel often like I've messed up, could have done better with more training or was regretful because I couldn't over come shame or fear.

Tell you what. If you can find a Top out there for Me who hasn't screwed something up at least once, I will put My own head between My own legs, and kiss My own ass. The people who scare Me are the ones who don't believe or ever admit to making mistakes.

quote:

Would feel more secure with someone that's done this, knows how to do this and understands what I don't think of.
Eagerly waiting for more info. Thank you.

We're out here, Hon. We're at every munch and event. We remember starting out. We really do. You'll find us.

And, by the way, thank you for reminding Me what I'm doing here.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Leamma)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/29/2009 8:25:56 AM

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

I love BUtt Boy....

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/29/2009 8:33:48 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

It's something about the beat (put intended) isn't it?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to GreedyTop)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/29/2009 9:09:33 AM

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

yeah :) (plus he's a doll... I spent a bit talking with him at either DragonCon or Fantasm..)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/29/2009 9:32:34 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

GT, there are absolutely times that you are too cool for words. You do know that, don't you?

My regards to the Pirate!

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to GreedyTop)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/29/2009 9:34:54 AM

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*blushes*

a high compliment indeed.. thank you :) He says thank you also, and his regards to you and yours as well :)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/29/2009 3:40:21 PM

Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

Yes, the first step in learning is accepting you need to learn.

Go out and find people who will be friends, helpers, mentors.

I learn more by helping other people learn, than by doing things alone: or with just one playmate.

Get out there, take him with you, it'll be fun.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/30/2009 12:38:11 AM

Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

I am looking for dom training. How do I go about that?

There isn't like a "dom course" at your local community college. I'd be happy to help you encourage your dom tendencies. I went through a phase where I had trouble with it. And I like to help people. :)

I've heard of looking on the web but what sites?

Careful looking on the web. People can post anything, they can say anything. Think. Reason. You'll be fine. Google is good. Lol.

I do NOT want to put either myself or my husband in danger so how do I prevent that?

Two words. Safe word. Also, take a reasonable stance on trusting people. If you'd trust them to hold the lever on a guillotine, its probably ok to trust their play.

Is there someplace to get good ideas for scenes?

There are tons. What "good scenes" comes down to is knowing yourself, your partner, and your limits. Feel free to ask, but there are a lot of things you can do.

How does one go about learning how to flog, whip and spank without harming another?

Experience is the best educator. Try things. Have open and complete communication. These things "hurt" but in the interests of fun, they can be pleasurable too. Establish safe words. If you don't know what those are, we need to talk. Otherwise, be smart, use safe words, experiment. Everyone is different. Everyone's pain tolerance is different. Good partners learn them, and respect them.

Also what is some good mood music for setting scenes?

totally depends on you. I like songs that have at the very least d/s overtones

Is it normal to feel scared about becoming?

It'd be more normal not to. I did go through a phase where I worried about it. If someone didn't I'd worry a bit about them.

What are some things to watch out for?

Pushing to meet. Expectations of being subbie until negotiations have progressed. Anybody who expects anyone's behavior. Anxiousness. Insecurity.

I would dearly love to be the dom of my dreams, I'm just scared I'm going to mess it up. How is a good way to over come that?

That's a long topic. Feel free to email me.

What are some things I should watch out for so that I don't become a horrible or mean dom?

Love your sub. Appreciate your sub. It's a long list. Again, email me.

What are some things I should watch out for so that my husband (sub) doesn't get hurt?

Don't ever let him get away with pushing a limit he hasn't agreed to push. Have safe words. Experiment with pain, and make sure he's ok with safe wording. Know when he is in pain. Learn to read his body language, his words. Subs often try to push themselves more/harder than they should to make you happy. Don't let them, it leads to disaster. Lead them, don't push. Read them because they will try too hard. They mean well, but it's your job to take care of them.

What are some things I need to do so he feels reassured and safe?

Safe word, safe word, safe word. It's a deactivate word. He says it everything stops. You can work out varying degrees of safe words as you progress. He'll learn. You'll learn. If you don't love him, maybe you should reconsider playing. It's my personal belief. Still, it is what it is. Love. Live. Love. This is what life is.

How do I not be afraid to broach subjects with him? I mean sheesh my courage really only goes so far.

Start with "I'm experimenting." Different people respond different ways. Be open. Be explicit. Admit that your wants aren't "ordinary." Remind him that if you didn't feel safe you couldn't even talk about it. Remind him that you want everything your lives could be. Hopefully he'll work with you ;)

(in reply to sirguym)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 4/30/2009 1:11:42 AM

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

As for mentor's, understand this, most who approach you want to fuck you, not mentor you.

This reminds me of one of my favourite Chris Rock routines, which is too often true:

quote:

"That's right
Women are offered dick every day.
Every woman in here...gets offered dick at least three times a week
Three times a day, shit!
That's right, every time a man's being nice to you...
all he's doing is offering dick.
That's all it is.
''Can l get that for you?
How about some dick?'
''Could l help you with that?
Could l help you to some dick?
''Do you need some dick?''
- Chris Rock

[/hijack]

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 5/3/2009 1:07:12 PM

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/26/2009
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline

Thank you all for your interesting and educational advice. I appreciate your time and your care.
Thank you Pepermint for that link.
There are myths about secret houses? Whoa that's cool.
Thanks for the advice about the making mistakes. I hate making mistakes, but I will learn to adapt.
Again, thank you.

(in reply to WyldHrt)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 5/6/2009 5:41:14 PM

Posts: 37
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline

Just a suggestion. Maybe group your questions into smaller groups and ask in different threads would be better. I guess a lot of people would be discouraged at the number of questions to be answered at once. Not that there is a problem with answering only a few questions but to suddenly see the big bulk of questions, some may shy away. Just my opinion though.

(in reply to Leamma)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 5/13/2009 3:35:00 PM

Posts: 41
Joined: 5/13/2009
Status: offline

It is just like sex, remember the first time? Were you a porn star? Or was it awkward, messy, and often embarrassing? But you get good at it, then before you know it, porn stars have nothing on you.

BDSM is the same way, go with the basics. Handcuff him, use one method of punishment, and end with good sex. Positive reinforcement is the best way to get a new submissive onto the idea that pain can be assosiated with pleasure.

Just relax and enjoy each other!

(in reply to DeViLiVeD)

RE: A bunch of newbie questions. - 5/16/2009 1:53:56 AM

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

Heres a local group/bdsm event club for you to check out sweetie

www.theedgedungeon.com

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to Fadingthought)

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