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new Dom trying to know more - 4/27/2009 8:14:35 PM   
MrLee101


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/22/2009
Status: offline 		i am a new Dom who still has a lot to learn. i was told the best way to kno how to be a better Dom is to also learn from good subs.  So [good] subs, tell me what r some of the things i should keep in mind, so i can be a good Dom? i am not the kind of Dom that will beat ur azz just to beat it (role playin cool), i am a lay back kind of Dom, but i like what i like and i want what i want, when i want it! so if u can help Big Poppa that would be cool! 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/27/2009 10:00:52 PM   
kuriouswitch


Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline 		lots of patience, that's a big thing. keep your promises, that's how you build trust in your girl. take things slowly, go at her speed, or slow her down if she's trying to jump too fast. Master's had to tell me a lot of times that i'm not ready for something and that he'll know when i'm ready. Listen, set time aside every  other day or after a "new" session and get her feelings on what happened, what's going on in your lives, see where she is mentally and emotionally. You may have to correct bad habits so make sure you remind her for the first few weeks that she's not supposed to be doing that, or she's supposed to be doing this instead until it becomes routine. Talking is important, you don't have to give her a reason why you want her to do something until after she does it, but i've found that if i know the why of something, why i have to do it either after or before then it's easier for me. I like being able to know his thought process, why he thought this task was important ect. it allows me access and if i see the why it allows me to learn to trust his judgement. Have fun, it doesn't always have to be serious. in the beginning things are always a bit more "formal" you're both learning one another but also make sure you have fun with her, tease her, make jokes and let her make jokes too, let her tease you as long as it's done respectfully. a lot of it depends on your girl too, and what kind of relationship you're looking for. but these are some of the things that work for me in my relationships.

(in reply to MrLee101)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/27/2009 10:39:27 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Well not everything works for every body.

Not everyone sees this lifestyle the same way. Some see it as a way to treat other people like shit and have them beg for more. Others see it as a way of expressing your personal discipline and sharing it with someone who agrees to offer obedience in exchange for your guidance. Still others see it as this living creature within them that wants one things one day and something different the next and this is a way of expressing those ideas to others.

Me I see this as all the things I like and none of the things I don't and after searching a LONG time finding someone who works for me.

Since I cannot speak for everyone I will say this is what I have learned.

Don't believe everything you see, hear, or feel not everything is real .
Listen to all the information you get and then decide for yourself anyway.
Try not to get wraped up in your ego it is hard I know but you will come out way cleaner if you drop the ego and remember you are just a guy and she is just a girl (Or whatever Dynamic you choose to Use)
You can Catch more Flies with Honey than you can with Vinegar..... But knowing how both work is worth the knowledge.
Try everything you like to do on your partner on yourself, knowing EXACTLY how something works will save you a lot of tears.
It's Okay to be nice and let her have her way from time to time and you don't have to let her know you are doing so, the fact that YOU know you are is good enough.
NOT EVERY WOMAN IS BISEXUAL.... Try to Respect that.
NOT EVERY POLY WOMAN IS BISEXUAL..... Try to Respect that.
NOT EVERY WOMAN IS INTO YOU.... Try to Respect that.
Just because a woman says she is a sub does not mean she is YOUR sub....Try to Respect that.
Just because a sub is not into you does not make her fake it just means you aren't her "everything"
Remember to Breathe. (This one seems odd just remember this when you are angry... take the time to breath a few times)
Try not to Punish when Angry.
Try not to feel you HAVE to Punish at all.
GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER .... BEFORE THEY BECOME YOUR PARTNER!!!!!!!!
When in doubt cut her down.
When in doubt don't play at all.
Not all women are crazy that doesn't mean that yours isn't.
Know CPR.
Learn how to appologise.... it makes it easier when you realize you're being a Jackass
Learn how to Listen .... It helps if you know what they are saying rather than just banking on being right all the time.
Don't ever say you are sorry, instead learn to admit being wrong, few women will know what to say after having heard it so rarely.
Forgive Quickly, Love Passionatly, Laugh Offten, Live Extrodinarily

That is the short version the VERY short version.

Best of luck mate.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to kuriouswitch)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 12:14:33 AM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

When in doubt cut her down.

Especially if you have just raised a footprint shaped, mega sized, insta-bruise on her ass with a bamboo back scratcher

To the OP- Steel and Kurious have both given excellent advice. In particular, I would like to highlight what Kurious said about keeping your word. The fastest way for a D to lose my interest is for him to lie to me or break a promise. That's not to say that shit doesn't sometimes happen, but if he says he will do something and then blows it off, it shakes my confidence in him as someone who I can trust with my safety and well being.

On a related note, I will add that learning how to make your sub feel safe enough to let go and express who she really is can be a huge thing- esp if she is one who, like me, has to be rather an alpha bitch in her vanilla life. Again, it comes down to trust, and learning what works for your particular sub.


_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 12:46:47 AM   
kitastrophe33


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline 		Welcome! I'm so glad you're putting solid thought into what kind of Dom you want to be! It's really important to figure out what speaks to you, because there is such a huge array of ways to be kinky. You really have to find out what works for you.

My boyfriend is also a new Dom...Somehow (don't ask me how) he'd never heard of BDSM before he met me. I could tell right away that he was going to be fabulous, and he is.

Obviously, he has no idea what he's doing when it comes to bondage or how to wield a flogger (skills he's learning over time), but the thing that makes me feel the luckiest about being his sub has nothing to do with technical skills like that. At some point (after we had gotten to know and trust each other more) he sat down and came up with a list of specific tasks he wanted me to do every day. And the tasks aren't things that would benefit just him. Almost everything he asked me to do either help me to reach specific personal goals or improve my overall health. Several of these benefit both of us, and there are a couple that are entirely for his pleasure. He set "SMART" goals for me (Specific, measurable, attainable, results oriented, with clear time frames). He's also been really consistent about checking my progress on those goals, doling out rewards for good progress, and punishments for slower than desired progress. I wracked up almost two weeks of "no orgasms" before I realized that he was definitely going to enforce these rules... .

I guess what I'm saying is that part of being a good dom, to *me* is helping me feel both protected and useful. Giving me tasks that please and benefit him is wonderful. But when he so obviously cares about (and is in touch with) my personal growth and development, I feel safe and protected as well.

As a dom, you are given a lot of power. There's nothing wrong with using that power to get things you like. (More blow jobs, a clean house, foot massages, whatever). But using your power to help your sub be the best she can be really is the mark of a good dom.

Just my opinion of course, but I hope it helps!

(in reply to MrLee101)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 4:33:56 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		A good Dominant, IMHO, builds on reality first--life isn't always "its your way no matter what"--your submissive is a person, a REAL person with real outside pulls, demands, commitments and they have real expectations--wants, needs, desires. Your goal is to inspire the most from them to pull forth the most from you.
 
The rules for building a good relationship don't change because you call it D/s and calling it D/s doesn't absolve you of basic human responsibilities.
 
Note: I made not one mention of kink,sex, toys or play--that's all window dressing. D/s simply defines the type of relationship you seek, the work doesn't end there.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to MrLee101)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 5:17:32 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5173
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		Don't take all this too seriously.  The reason we play as we do is because it's fun.  Never forget to have fun.  

(in reply to MrLee101)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 5:43:02 AM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

When in doubt cut her down.


He means physically not emotionally. The whole dangers of suspension thing.

(in reply to WyldHrt)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 6:54:44 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		A basis of honesty is what leads to trust.  The more the sub trusts you the more she will do for you.

Don't be afraid to use words like please and thank you from time to time.  Common courtesy is often appreciated.

Show your appreciation for the things that she does for you.  A "good girl" at the right moment can spur a sub to go on to do even better.

Be willing to listen to her fears, and encourage her to be open with you.  You will never know what past experiences may have shaped her into who she is and the chances are that there will be things that you expect she might be afraid of and is not, and more importantly things that don't seem like a big deal to you but are real issues for her.

The single best thing a Master has ever done for me is to encourage me to be honest when I start to clam up or suddenly try to change the topic to avoid talking about something that I have deep emotions about.  Knowing that he cared enough to patiently get me to open up made me want to serve him even more.  It benefits both parties.

Be consistent with discipline.  Don't let her get away with something one time but not the next because this leads to confusion.  (There are always exceptions, especially if something traumatic is going on in her life or there is an emergency situation, but as a rule keep the consistency.)

Feel comfortable living the lifestyle in the way that best suits the two of you.  Don't feel like you need to follow someone else's predefined rules.  Do what makes the two of you happy.  It doesn't boil down to how much protocol to use, or what kinds of toys, but whether the two of you are deriving pleasure and satisfaction from the relationship.  The very fact that you are asking subs for their input makes me think that you will make a very fine Dom.  I wish you and your sub all the best.


_____________________________



(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 6:58:23 AM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

He means physically not emotionally. The whole dangers of suspension thing.

I know what he meant, lol. My comment was a bit of an inside joke between us.



_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 7:05:02 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I'll also add that I recommend spelling your words out and using capitilisation. When you don't, you give the impression that the person you're speaking to isn't worth the miniscule extra time and effort.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 7:20:59 AM   
Rainfire


Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

NOT EVERY WOMAN IS BISEXUAL.... Try to Respect that.
NOT EVERY POLY WOMAN IS BISEXUAL..... Try to Respect that.
NOT EVERY WOMAN IS INTO YOU.... Try to Respect that.
Just because a woman says she is a sub does not mean she is YOUR sub....Try to Respect that.


Steel, have I told you lately that YOU ROCK?!?   


_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 7:26:10 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		I'd say the key to be a great dominant would be communication.
Honesty.
Open minded.
Be consistent.
Be true to yourself and honest with yourself.
Know yourself, and know that you're not always right but of course not always wrong either :)
Patience.
..and last but not least..have fun!


_____________________________

~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 8:52:28 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		this slave would suggest that you be honest...from the beginning...with any potential partner and most importantly with your own self about what it is you desire/expect from and are willing to contribute to a Dom/sub relationship or encounter.

(in reply to MrLee101)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 9:48:19 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		You are no better or worse than your sub.
You are two sides of the same coin.
You cannot be "master" without a sub to lead.
Always give him/her the respect you expect.
Some men command with just the raise of an eyebrow or the quirk of a lip...some men can't lead even while bellowing and manhandling.
Decide which one you'll be.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 11:50:53 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

quote:

When in doubt cut her down.

Especially if you have just raised a footprint shaped, mega sized, insta-bruise on her ass with a bamboo back scratcher


Next time don't hand me something I can hit you with if you don't wanna be hit with it.

It was cute how it looked like a little foot print huh?

LOL

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to WyldHrt)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 12:43:58 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrLee101

... i want what i want, when i want it!


Everytime I hear something similar, I can't help but envision some little boy stomping his foot as he says it. 

Just keep that image in mind when dealing with a submissive and making demands... it should temper your behavior and go a long way towards making you a great dominant. 

(in reply to MrLee101)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 7:13:30 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Next time don't hand me something I can hit you with if you don't wanna be hit with it.

Ja, got the memo *rubs butt at the memory*
And yeah, it was pretty cute


_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: new Dom trying to know more - 4/28/2009 7:54:13 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrLee101

i am a new Dom who still has a lot to learn. <snip>



I love that you can open with this. That's fabulous!

1. Be kind with yourself, and your sub. Quick to forgive, and apologize. Nobody's perfect. You both need to be able to make honest mistakes, learn form them, and move forward.

2. Feel your way. Your way doesn't hafta be like everyone else's idea of D/s. Just be consistent, and communicate openly. Trust can be advanced to certain extent, and the rest must be earned (by both of you). "To thine own self be true." (Shakespeare) If things don't feel right, make adjustments.

3. Trust takes time to develop. And learning and growing take time. So, take time.
 
4. Don't be ruled by your fears. But don't be afraid to feel fear, or love, or whatever your true feelings are.

5. You do not hafta have a punishment dynamic. Your sub is a grown-up, and should be able to be obedient as long as you do not have unrealistic expectations. Funishment is yummy, but a true reward/punishment dynamic can feel like a trap, for both of you. If you just choose a sub whose needs match yours well to begin with, and who has a desire to obey you- and if you have realistic expectations and are consistent so that (s)he knows what to expect from you.... You don't need to get into a cycle of reward/punishment.


6. Explore, and have fun!

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to MrLee101)
Profile   Post #: 19
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