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FourQ -> Penis jokes (5/6/2009 6:39:37 AM)
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I sent away for a penis enlarger. They sent me back a magnifying glass.
If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriend's vibrator isn't three inches and crooked?
With all the spam we get for penis-enlargement pills, you'd think by now someone would have invented a pill to shrink vaginas instead.
My lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too.
I think blow up dolls are great. I mean, where else are you going to find a woman that always looks shocked to see the size of your dick?
Those ribbed condoms are the worst of all flavoured condoms - they taste nothing like ribs.
Three gay men are in an internet chat room bragging about the size of their dicks.
White guy: "My dick is so big I have to drop my trousers to take it out"
Black guy: "That's nothing, my dick is so big I can turn my monitor on and off with it while I'm sat in my chair"
Indian guy: "Well my dick is so big that if I laid it out on my keyboard it would stretch all the way from A-Z."
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a Fifty Pound note on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a Fifty Pound note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one...I like to watch my money grow.
"Two...once in a while I like to play with my money.
"Three...I like how money feels in my hand.
"And, lastly...instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow Fifty quid anytime you want."
Larry is recovering nicely in the hospital...
Herb decided to propose to Sandi , but prior to her acceptance Sandi had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandi in the eyes and said...
"I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Sandi and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandi off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandi put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is..." exclaimed Herb, "8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long."
I hate it when the clocks go forward an hour- it means for a week afterwards I get my usual wake-up erection when I'm on the bus to work.
Last Christmas, my girlfriend got me a penis extension. It was only then I realised how shallow she is.
My method for solving the rise in teenage pregnancies: In sex education lessons, teach the boys that the average penis length is 20 inches...
Recently a bloke went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. Seems his girlfriend found the ring in his trousers pocket, and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married;
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis;
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
A priest in a catholic girls school asked: "Which part of the body expands to ten times its usual size when stimulated"
One girl, Mary blushed furiously and said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question. I will complain to the principal."
He called for another volunteer. Lily spoke up: "Sir, the answer is the iris."
"Very good, Lily," the teacher said, adding: "Mary, I have three things to say...
1) You have not done your homework.
2) You have a dirty mind.
3) One day you are going to be bitterly disappointed."
Sing a song of syphilis,
A fanny full of crabs,
Four and twenty ulcers,
and twice as many scabs
When the scabs are opened,
The cunt begins to sing,
"What a fuckin' dirty place to put your penis in!"
Why do lesbians use dildos? I mean, haven't they made their choice?
A woman walks into a chemist to enquire about Viagra.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asks the man at the till.
"If I take two, I can," he replies.
Why is it a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in pitch dark without looking, but can't park a 6ft car in a 7ft space in broad daylight!
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