Could use some help.

Could use some help. (Full Version)

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Sakone -> Could use some help. (5/8/2009 6:02:46 AM)
Hello, my name is Kyle, and I am in need of help with a problem. I have seen my sub, getting down lately, and part of me thinks she may be cheating on me with her friends online. She has a problem telling me things, and a old friend of ours, told me to look at her IM's and Emails. Part of me has a problem with this as some old habits die hard, and some of my Dom friends told me that I had the right to do this. I think I am asking really if anyone here had problems like this, and how they delt with it, and if doing this is alright.

Fitznicely -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 6:10:37 AM)
Two ways of dealing with this: 1) Get a grip on your paranoia, stop being swayed by your friends opinions and sort your sub out with a good sit down and chat, not Sir to sub, but person to person... 2) Tell your sub your concerns, give them a chance to come clean. If you still don't trust 'em, release 'em. Going behind this person's back, invading their privacy and betraying their trust is not just dishonorable and contemptible, but it should be beneath you as a good Dom.

breatheasone -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 6:25:17 AM)
i'm sorry you are having problems...One thing my Master/Daddy, and i did from the beginning was share e-mail acct info. We wanted to have, and still do have transparency....Its like if you have nothing to hide hide nothing kinda thing. It works well for Us. Also i can't stress enough TALKING, and asking, and sharing how you are feeling and LISTENING to the other.

Sakone -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 6:25:26 AM)
I will talk with her that was what I was going to do to start. She has a hard time telling lies to me as I have noticed. My paranoia wouldn't be what it is if it wasn't for some of the things that are going on. She told me about making a dildo out of the end of the flogger while I was work, and a friend at school, or online can't remember told her how to. That sent up some flares as she told me in the past she used to do a lot of things on cam. I shall see if she comes clean. Thought at the time, she is also really unstable as well so I am worried about that as well.

sirsholly -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 6:38:27 AM)
quote: my Dom friends told me that I had the right to do this. I think I am asking really if anyone here had problems like this, and how they delt with it, and if doing this is alright. you have no right to do so...your Dom friends are wrong. Communication is your answer. If she will not talk to you, perchance therein lies your answer.

LadySweetOrSour -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 6:43:25 AM)
If she is unstable, perhaps this is something that needs to be looked at by a person qualified in medical issues, rather than friends, dom or not. If it is a trust issue, then communication is your only remedy. If you can't trust this person, perhaps you should not be with her in the first place.

Sakone -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 6:48:43 AM)
I am looking for someone to help with the Psych thing now actually. As for the trust thing, she has built it up well and I would hate to see that she would have it come crashing down. Then again I would think stress and the blues can do a lot to people at times.

beargonewild -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 6:49:44 AM)
From what I gather from the OP's query, it screams out the fact that he has trust issues with the sub. If my dom ever degenerates into reading my emails without my consent, hell would break loose. I am seeing the sub's past is a potential excuse validate overstepping personal privacy which is everyone's right regardless of which side of the whip they stand.

Sakone -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 6:58:20 AM)
I am not going to go snooping into her things. The dom/friend that told me that had a sub like mine in the past. He was voicing to me, I think from his personal problems with his and how he went about it. I asked more about it and he said he would talk to him about it after, for him to tell him way, if not he would punish him hard for it. This is why I sought out other help then just one.

lizi -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 8:21:33 AM)
You seem to be looking at this whole thing very logically which is to be commended. Considering the problem and gathering information about possible avenues on what to do is great. Not everyone will have the best answer for you, but i still think that the fact that you are looking about for what to do means that things have a better liklihood of being resolved in the end. I think you should talk to her. I realize that she may have some emotional problems that play into this and I have no idea on what to do for that, but generally if you approach someone honestly and tell them how you feel and why you feel that way you generally get something genuine back from them in return. Of course this is if the two of you are invested in making this work. Once you've talked you can take what came from it and see if you feel that things are resolved or not but at least you went to the source with your concerns and tried to do what was right. It isn't right to go behind her back. Regardless of what you find, you will not have that bond of trust between the two of you anymore, it will be voided by the fact that you checked up on her and you may or may not be able to get that back.

Sakone -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 8:26:21 AM)
Thanks you all have been helpful, I will try talking to her.

Interesdom -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 8:31:46 AM)
Whether sharing e-mail accounts, or you having access to hers, is right or not is down to the relationship between the two of you. If she were slave, then for me there is no doubt that you would have access to her e-mail, along with every other part of her. If she is not slave, then her specific consent should be sought. If she won't give that consent, it either tells you that she does not feel the relationship to be that close, or she wishes to hide something; either way, you have learnt. (How would you feel if she asked to see all of your communications - including this thread?) Now I'm going to hand out some fairly standard relationship advice on suspected cheating (including lying about doing so) and privacy. I will try to relate it to a D/s relationship without presuming too much of your own dynamic, though I am presuming you have no children and are not too settled. There are two possibilities when you suspect someone of cheating. 1) they are cheating and are dishonest; 2) they are not cheating and are honest. If you choose to 'snoop' then you should do so completely and thoroughly until your mind is completely convinced one way or the other. After snooping one of two statements about yourself will become true: 1) you have uncovered the cheating and lies and been justified in having to be underhand about it; 2) you have been paranoid, you have invaded privacy, you have been deceitful and distrusting. In the first case, the relationship is almost certainly dead - there is very little chance of recovery from this and many would say you would be foolish to try it (as a dom, I'd say extremely foolish to try). In the second instance you can beg forgiveness but you will have to really appreciate that it is you who is in the wrong and must do what you can to improve your level of trust and make amends for your deceitfulness (as a dom, I'd say it's almost impossible to recover your position properly). As you see, you are betweeen a rock and a hard place. Even without snooping, it boils down to either you believe you have inspired her trust or you don't. If you don't believe it, let her go because your relationship is going nowhere.

SailingBum -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 9:16:38 AM)
Im surprised most of the advice on the boards is pretty good. This thread not so much. I would have no problem looking at her stuff..."keylogger" comes to mind around 20 bucks. Im curious how "talking" is gonna help. She is just gonna "own up" to fucking your best friend? In what world does this happen in? ahhh sharing email... like I can't open a account and not tell you about it. I think one post alluded to the OP has trust issues cuz he thinks his bitch is playing the field. <WTF over?> My advice dude is to do whatever it takes to ease your mind. You cant have this type of issue hanging out there. If ya gotta be crafty ...be crafty. BadOne

Lockit -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 9:45:48 AM)
Every single time I was accused of cheating, actually the jealous man was the one cheating. Have you caught her in a lie? Being down or depressed doesn't mean someone is cheating. It means they are down and depressed. Having a dominant that would see my depression as a sign of cheating would depress me for sure. If she cammed with people before and you thought that was bad and jump to thinking she must be doing so again, means far more than maybe an online cheater here. Coming here or going to friends for your answers suggest other problems. It says you don't communicate with the one involved before you fill your head with the wounds of others experiences. It means you don't trust her period, whether that is coming from you or her, its a problem that needs to be figured out. You can't figure it out with something set in your mind. She did it before me, she is down, my friend says she must be cheating and someone told her how to make or use a homemade type dildo. The girl can't win if you walk in with her almost convicted already.

IronBear -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 10:18:57 AM)
Two things comes to mind. Firstly the issue of the sub being down and depressed. There are any number of reasons which may be causing this. She may have personal issues with others including work if she works or school if she is a student or her family or friends. The sub may be picking up on your uncertainty and that is making her depressed because, for example, she is feeling she is failing you. So yes talking the matter out is one good way of dealing with this. If she doesn't know why she is down and depressed, perhaps taking to see a good counsellor is another way because any trained counsellor should be trained to spot the onset of chronic depression which is a medical matter and can be treated by her GP. (Now I am not full bottle on counsellors in the US but here in Aussie I do know how they are trained). Even without a medical problem, talking to a counsellor (kink friendly of course) may help her open up top you and thus it becomes couples counselling. Secondly there is the matter of reading her emails etc. Some D/s dynamics give the Dominant the right to vet emails and web postings such as journals. Most M/s (to my knowledge) do this as part of the slave's submission. To tread her things if it is not and agreed part of your dynamic raises the issues of honesty and trust and is certainly dishonourable. I'm a great believer of slaves and subs writing a journal with regular entries. In the case of your sub, I'd have her writing one daily and laying out her issues there for you to read, or alternatively, have her write me an email opening up the reasons why she is depressed. Some people find this easier to get it all out in the open and are incapable of doing this coherently and logically verbally.

newgirl83 -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 10:34:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Every single time I was accused of cheating, actually the jealous man was the one cheating. I second this. I had an ex (vanilla) that was constantly snooping on me. I had nothing to hide so I had no problem with him knowing my passwords. I later found out that he had been constantly browsing personal ads throughout our 3 yr relationship, setting up hidden email accounts and in fact cheating on me. Eventually, I would expect to share everything if the relationship got serious, but having access to show trust and him constantly needing to use it are different. From my past experience, I now consider someone that desires/needs to always snoop on me out of paranoia to be a red flag.

subangi -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 10:56:49 AM)
I have always found that if you're looking for dirt, you will always find it. I can't help but feel that maybe your insecurities need to be addressed first...I am not saying this to be cruel or rude....sometimes you have to look into yourself before you address others possible faults.

Jeptha -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 11:43:39 AM)
Pardon me if I'm wrong about this, but you seem like a young guy to me. Now - nothing wrong with that. The reason I bring it up is that, when I was younger, I was insecure about appearing to be insecure. So, just saying that just because you're a guy and a dominant in the relationship, doesn't mean that you aren't going to have questions of this type, particularly in the beginning, particularly if other dominants are instructing your girl in how to make dildoes (sp?), (or for whatever reason, really.) I bring this up because I sorta agree with what lockit said: you don't want to go into the conversation with a mindset that she's done something and you want to discover it. You don't want to be the prosecuter cross-examining. (Though you might want to ask direct questions at some point, still, you want to remember that you are on the same team.) Whatever it is you're feeling, you have to acknowledge that. The tendency is to want to keep it to yourself and appear less vulnerable, less unsure, but to get honest clarification, you're gonna have to tip your hand a little, too.

Focus50 -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 2:39:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Sakone Hello, my name is Kyle, and I am in need of help with a problem. I have seen my sub, getting down lately, and part of me thinks she may be cheating on me with her friends online. She has a problem telling me things, and a old friend of ours, told me to look at her IM's and Emails. Part of me has a problem with this as some old habits die hard, and some of my Dom friends told me that I had the right to do this. I think I am asking really if anyone here had problems like this, and how they delt with it, and if doing this is alright. The Dom in my bathroom mirror definitely would NOT approve of me sneaking around and reading someone's (anyone's) personal mail uninvited. If that's what your relationship has come to, then all that's really left is to roll the final credits because there's no trust left. The most common reason a partner cheats is because they have needs that aren't being met at home. And that she has trouble telling you things is not necessarily a fault with her because I definitely have a problem talking to people who aren't listening myself. I don't waste my breath on anyone who's non receptive.... So I'm saying that talking to her is the best advice BUT only as long as you include listening to her (as opposed to just hearing her speak) as well. If you can't do that for each other, your relationship is a corpse that needs burying...! Focus.

GeekFreak -> RE: Could use some help. (5/8/2009 5:20:40 PM)
I'll chime in (and pretend people actually read what I write). Like so many questions here, it totally depends on you, your parenter, and your relationship. Do you have a right? That totally depends on your agreements as dom/sub. Is it ethical even though not within current agreements? Maybe...but you know a lot more about the severity of her communication issues and your overal expectations of eachother than any of us do. I would say, if you do decide it's acceptable for you to look at e-mails and other things, I wouldn't do so with the intent of looking behind her back. I would look, and tell her I did so afterwards, explaining why I felt the need. If you were smart enough and came to that conclusion from logic and good judgement, and explain that to her, she'll most likely respect the choice. If she doesn't respect your choice, after explaining it, you either were A) a dope and overstepped your boundaries or B) she already didn't have much respect for you.

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