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aidan -> RE: Conundrum: Who initiates? (5/15/2009 9:18:14 AM)
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sodsta, duder, I feel for you. I really do. This was a personality quirk I had to get over not too long ago myself.
I'll tell it to you straight: you can't feel bad about your desires or your feelings for this girl, and about acting on them, because there's absolutely nothing wrong with them. If you've presented events correctly, than she's certainly digging you and she wants to have some kind of more intimate relationship. But she's shy, she's nervous, and she's new. She's really not all that different from you.
Thing you gotta remember, and what a few posters here seem to have forgotten, is that she's a fallible human. Her being shy or unsure doesn't make her less dominant, it makes her less experienced. Few people have absolute confidence when they're first exploring or starting anything new, but especially sexual activities. If she really likes you, I don't think she'll be offended by you being more active in pursuit. Women generally like to feel desired by the men/women they find desirable. She basically gave you permission to at least be more flirtatious and try a little more physical intimacy.
I understand why it's hard though, and I'm surprised nobody mentioned it already. Perhaps it's less of a submissive male thing and more of a generational issue, but here it is: guys from our generation, especially of a submissive bent, are bombarded with and internalize a lot of messages that tell us our sexual and romantic feelings are wrong/perverted/usurious/degrading, and that we have to try and repress them, numb them, hold them back until given absolute, explicit permission from a woman to even broach the subject of intimacy. We're told that our advances are neither desired nor acceptable. To be the initiator is to be the aggressor and rekindle a cycle of misogyny thousands of years old.
Now this may or may not be conscious, or even accurate to you. It's a general issue that affects a good portion of the submissive male population in our age bracket, at least from my and others' anecdotal experience. (I'm wedging a different issue issue in here, but this is another argument in favor of an empirical study of the BDSM population. We need some sociologists up in this piece. Regardless...) Just think about it a while. I know it took me a while to accept what programing I had internalized and to learn to diffuse it.
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