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AAkasha -> RE: When Dommes aren't in the mood (5/19/2009 9:07:31 AM)
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My desire for physical/kinky dominance (topping) is like a hunger. I can't quite pinpoint how and why, but there are certain days in any given month that I am filled with a lust, and it peaks. The days it peaks, I am likely to think about it/desire it all day. There's not much that needs to be done, other than be attractive to me and be in the line of fire. On average it's a few days every couple of weeks, but sometimes it's a week long or more following three weeks of "calm" - and there's no rhyme or reason. While I can be "seduced" into hardcore topping other than during that time, it's really just better to wait, I have found. I have endless amounts of "femdom energy" during those days and my desires run hot and deep. I am much more sadistic, creative and have endless energy.
Playful, fun, lighthearted sensual dominance, however, I can tap pretty much at any time. (the above paragraph is more about extremely intense, heavy-gear oriented, long and drawn out hardcore "scenes"). It's a running current, always, through my style of affection and even more clearly when I express lust of any kind. You don't get deep kisses from me without the appropriate painful hairpulling, just as there's no "vanilla intercourse" without some faceslapping and being called a dirty bitch, or biting and at least a blindfold or some light bondage. That's just my "groove."
The only time dominance shuts off completely for me is if I feel it is expected or demanded of me, especially from people with whom I share no intimate connection. Then forget it - I just lose interest. If I get hinted at, whined it, or any kind of passive aggressive behavior, or "what about meeeeeeeeee" crying, the moment it feels like I am performing for someone else, I have no desire. If it's a negotiated thing in advance, like I am going to do X in exchange for Y, I can generally get myself into the mindset for it and psyche myself up, but even then, I like to do that kind of thing sparingly (this is the reason, and probably the ONLY reason, I never considered a job as a dominatrix; if I could be in "femdom mode" like switching on a light switch and with any man, hell yes, that would be my dream job). If I am deeply affectionate toward a man and our mutual relationship calls for "maintenance topping," I can also generally muster that on demand by putting myself into the right headspace, and just like sex, the juices start flowing (so to speak) once the toys come out - it's just a matter of starting, and both people knowing that if the groove isn't there, I just have to stop and try another time. This is NOT my preferred way of doing things, however.
The one thing I have discovered about myself in my dominant-self-exploration is that I cannot fake dominant lust, and nothing makes me feel more objectified than even scratching that surface. As a very caring, loving and selfless person, I can do ANYTHING for a man or a friend without wanting anything in return, just for the sheer joy of giving. I can fuck a man when I am not in the mood because I love him, I can give a blow job when I don't feel like it, and I can even try to cook dinner (ha!) if he's not feeling well; however, I cannot "pretend" to be in the mood to dominate, or put on a fake persona if the lust isn't in my veins on that particular day.
The great thing is that most submissive men want the real thing anyway, and they are happy to wait for the mood to hit, because it always does. The "quieter" my urges are for a few days, the stronger they are when they come back, and it's only ever a few days or a week anyway, for the most part.
Akasha
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