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how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her past - 3/10/2004 11:35:24 PM

tweetygirl

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How would a Mistress handle a female sub who was abused in her past. Sexual and physical abused by her x husband.

Amanda

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/11/2004 12:34:09 AM

rahmannoor

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hay...where are you from?
[email protected]

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/11/2004 1:24:42 PM

sub4hire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tweetygirl

How would a Mistress handle a female sub who was abused in her past. Sexual and physical abused by her x husband.

Amanda

I'm not a Mistress. Although if I encountered someone with abuse in their past I would handle them with kid gloves. Also consider getting them into some much needed counseling.
Its much easier to deal with people as a whole if they don't have ugly monkeys hanging off of their backs.

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/11/2004 3:17:37 PM

seattleminx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

I'm not a Mistress. Although if I encountered someone with abuse in their past I would handle them with kid gloves. Also consider getting them into some much needed counseling.
Its much easier to deal with people as a whole if they don't have ugly monkeys hanging off of their backs.

I have to disagree with you sub4hire. Not all abuse survivors have 'ugly monkeys' on their backs. And some of them don't liek being treated with kid gloves.

It really depends on the individual. If their evasive about their past abuse and what it has done/is doing to thier psyche, then yes, perhaps counseling could be in order. But that doesn't mean they should be avoided either.

I have two incidents in my past... one of them affects play, but only if approached in the wrong way. Agressively coming at me from behind will bring about a negative response.. usually I can catch it and can give my safeword (and have). I then explain to my partner what has happened and why I responded the way I did. I have yet to meet anyone who did not understand.

The best way to treat a survivor of abuse is to NOT treat them like they are damaged. Generally speaking, they will know their triggers. If they don't, when one is discovered you can usually figure it out.

In short, the best way to deal with abuse in their history is the best way to deal with everyone. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/11/2004 5:00:39 PM

MizSuz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: seattleminx

In short, the best way to deal with abuse in their history is the best way to deal with everyone. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

I quite agree. Just because someone has abuse in their history is no reason to draw conclusions about who the person is. It's just good to know; and yet another piece of the 'getting to know you' puzzle.

Whether people are functional in the way that suits you and your lifestyle is something you generally learn in time, in the meantime I prefer to take people as they come and enjoy the discovery process.

Compassion and integrity in all interactions, as a minimum, tends to work the bugs out of most things that may come up.

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 3/11/2004 7:57:39 PM >

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/11/2004 8:16:23 PM

tweetygirl

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Ok my xgf was a Domme we were together and i did something wrong and she tried to punish me by making me give a guy a bj. But she knew that I would never do anything with a guy it was a limit. We ended up having a fight and we both ended up crying and ended up breaking up. She tried to push em somewhere I was unable to go. Now I am not even sure if I fit in this lifestyle. I was a sub cause I loved her and knew she was a Domme to try and make her happy. I think I might be a Switch. But i am still confused.

Amanda

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/12/2004 12:25:51 AM

Estring

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Amanda, if your ex forced you to do something that she knew was a hard limit, then she messed up. But out of the blue you state you might be a switch. What?
I agree that you are confused and you may want to figure out some things about yourself before you get involved with someone else. That should be your priority.

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/12/2004 2:16:16 AM

iwillserveu

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Let me get this straight. Your Domme knew your limits. Your Domme tried to ignore your limits. (Push them, stretch them, etc., without much communication it is the same thing.)

I assume she tried telling you first. When she did I bet it was obvious that you had a big mental issue with it but insisted you do it anyway.

Or she surprised you a guy walking in and putting his dick in your mouth when you were tied up (despite knowing how you felt).

Now, because of a jerk who abused you, you are questioning weather you really are submissive. Been there, honey. You are.

(Before certain Domme's tell me the slave has no rights, tell "tweetygirl" she is not a human.)

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/12/2004 6:08:10 AM

MizSuz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tweetygirl

Ok my xgf was a Domme we were together and i did something wrong and she tried to punish me by making me give a guy a bj. But she knew that I would never do anything with a guy it was a limit.

Amanda

Amanda:

Pushing and testing your limits is, in my world, an inappropriate "punishment." Limits should, to my mind, be tested in a safe and nurturing place and when you know you are in trouble you are not in a safe place.

Punishment should be meted out in a way that is proportional and appropriate to the transgression. When I punish, the person who is being punished knew what the punishment would be before they ever chose the transgression. Did she ever say to you "If you do x then you will have to give a guy a bj"?

If not, then you did not experience punishment, you experienced what appears to me to be the receiving end of a domina needing to be validated that she is still dominant in the relationship. Not that there is anything wrong with that, only that when the person who needs the validation can't SAY that is what they need then things tend to get muddy and confusing.

Unless you gave your limits up at the beginning of the relationship (which does happen) then you are ALWAYS allowed to say "No." There are also always consequences to any choice. Your consequence was the end of your relationship.

While it seems to me that this is a very hard thing for you (you've mentioned that you are confused) I do hope that you bring yourself to a place where you can see this as an opportunity for you to learn a lot more about yourself and, once having done so, make a better match for yourself in the future. Who knows, it might even be with the same domina but with a better mutual understanding. Stranger things have happened.

I agree with the individual that said to figure this stuff out before moving on to another relationship. Doing so can only make you a stronger individual and as such a better submissive (not that I think you are less of a submissive now...only that growing will always be a positive contribution to life and relations).

Good luck to you.

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“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/12/2004 9:47:38 AM

seattleminx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tweetygirl

Ok my xgf was a Domme we were together and i did something wrong and she tried to punish me by making me give a guy a bj. But she knew that I would never do anything with a guy it was a limit. We ended up having a fight and we both ended up crying and ended up breaking up. She tried to push em somewhere I was unable to go. Now I am not even sure if I fit in this lifestyle. I was a sub cause I loved her and knew she was a Domme to try and make her happy. I think I might be a Switch. But i am still confused.

Amanda

Amanda...IMO Your Domme was incorrect to punish you by pushing you past a hard limit. A hard limit is there for a reason: it's a "Please don't ever go there unless I tell you otherwise".

For all subs, remember this always : You are entitled to your hard limits. If you have effectively communicated this limits to your Top/Owner/Dom, they have no right to push you past those limits without your permission. Period.

Abuse survivors need to be especially careful when it comes to this.

As far as you saying that you don't know if you fit into this lifestyle...well only you can answer that. But look carefully at yourself as you currently are, and do an inventory of what you like and don't like. If BDSM is still in the 'Like' portion, then you fit into the lifestyle.

Be well.

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/14/2004 8:21:51 PM

dkitty

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seattleminx and MizSuz are dead on the $$ in everything they've said in this thread as far as I'm concerned. This forum seems full of great peeps.

I've not had the best past and know what triggers certain things for me (yes, I'm purposefully being vague, please forgive me, it's not an easy topic). I'm willing to bet you do as well. You obviously communicated that to your xgf, because she knew of a limit. Well done in that respect. That the incident you described happened seems a testament to horrid judgment on her part.

As far as playing with an interesting past, the women I've served have all known of certain things about me. Like you, I've a particular aversion to sex with men. It usually scares the bloody heck out of me. I make sure any potential Dominant knows of it and we speak of it up front. I find out if it will be an impediment to her style or if she can work around it. So far, I've had no problems.

Most likely there are a metric ton of other things that a Dominant can do with you Amanda. So long as a Dominant respects you, it's my opinion that she'll stick to things that are within your comfort zone (or at least that don't clash with any possible post traumatic stress issues) and hopefully to things that are mutual desires for the two of you. Given what you've divulged, I recommend the use of safewords and safegestures for at least a year or so, until you're quite comfortable with a Dominant. Please be safe girl, watch out for yourself, and you can still have a great deal of fun if you wish it.

< Message edited by dkitty -- 3/14/2004 8:19:24 PM >

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/17/2004 8:43:01 PM

MistressKiss

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There have been some great comments here. Someone mentioned "communication, communication, communication" and I am simply reiterating that very important comment. There is nothing wrong with treading just a bit on someone's hard limits. It is also important for a submissive to communicate to the Dominant what the hard limits are about. I don't like hearing/saying (since I am a switch) that some certain act is a hard limit without knowing WHY it is a hard limit. From a Dominant perspective, it is my responsibility to ask probing questions and fully understand exactly what the problem is, why it sets the submissive off, and what the submissive thinks will happen if I pounce on that nerve.

Along the same vein, though...some people may state a hard limit just because they are afraid of doing a certain thing. A good example is anal sex. (starts grinning already) A person may say this is a hard limit because they are afraid of it. Then they do it and it's the greatest thing ever. On the other hand, if an ex-husband forced his wife to perform oral sex and that is why it's a hard limit...that's another thing completely.

Still, allow me to pontificate just a bit further. Is it good for the submissive to forever and ever from then on refuse oral sex because one person abused him/her with that act? Remember, it is an act. It was not the oral sex that was the abuser, it was the ex-husband. It may be extremely helpful for the submissive to come to differentiate between the act and the abuser. If a Dominant can gently move the submissive through that thinking process, He/She may perform an invaluable service to the submissive.

Communicate before all else, during, and after.

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/25/2004 9:07:42 PM

tweetygirl

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I was dating a Domme, but i wasnt a sub. I am a Switch. She and I knew each other really well we always talked. she put that on me unanounced. Now i have a new gf and i am much happier.

Amanda

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RE: how would a Mistress handle a sub with abuse in her... - 3/26/2004 10:55:29 AM

seattleminx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tweetygirl

I was dating a Domme, but i wasnt a sub. I am a Switch. She and I knew each other really well we always talked. she put that on me unanounced. Now i have a new gf and i am much happier.

Amanda

Good for you tweetygirl! Hope it goes well for you!

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