When the best you can do isn't good enough... (Full Version)

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kitastrophe33 -> When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 5:18:00 PM)

Ugh. I am feeling terrible today. I went away with my partner this weekend. He's into kiteboarding (I had to google it at first, too), and memorial day is a big kiteboarding weekend. I knew that I was going to spend a lot of time on the sidelines watching. I spent a lot of quality time alone. There were lots of people around, some of whom I at least know their names, but that's about it. I felt like a total outsider. I was the only one who really didn't know anyone, the only one who doesn't kite, so half the time I don't know what the hell they're talking about. But I tried really hard to connect with them. I thought I did pretty well considering that I am, by nature, sort of shy and reserved.

But on the third day of it when despite me asking if we could go back to the launch site that's near town (so I could at least walk into town for a cup of coffee if I got bored), he opted to go back to this really desolate site, the stress finally got to me. The thought of sitting outside in the wind all day, struggling to relate to people who aren't that interested in getting to know me, without the possibility of at least being able to go wander around in town...anyway, when we were in private, I started to cry... And admittedly, he didn't handle it as well as he could have... but the thing that I'm having the most trouble with is that he felt I'd failed.

He didn't like that I had, at times, kept to myself and been "unsocial" as he described it. He really wanted me to hit it off with his friends and I felt short of his expectation. And he didn't like that I had acted moody in front of them.

There *were* things he could have done to help me. But the fact remains that I was trying really hard. And I failed. It's an awful feeling and I am trying to turn it around and use it as motivation to do better, but I pretty much feel like crap.

What do you do, when you really tried, but still failed?



lronitulstahp -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 5:27:13 PM)

i'm sorry you had such a downer of an experience. It can be very hard stepping outside of one's own comfort zone...but very rewarding as well.

i think the best thing you can do is use this experience as a lesson. Perhaps you and your partner can have a heart to heart about "expectations" on both sides. Journal your thoughts about what happened. Maybe this can help you get out some of the frustration etc., and give you some bullet points to use in your discussion. Phrasing it this way, "When ______ happened, i felt_______." is much better than "When you did______it was_____." Try not to play the blame game....but really talk.

i wish you well.



DarkSteven -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 5:27:35 PM)

kit, did you tell him that you were not enjoying yourself?  

My personal thought is that you owed it to him to try it out.  And you did.  I could see you doing something to him or him doing something to you that you may not have liked, so you could please him.  But sitting doing nothing while he had fun - I'm not certain what your presence really accomplished.

I'm not exactly sure what you failed AT.  If he ordered you to meet three people per day, or to have an hour of conversation, then yes, you failed.  But he simply stuck you in a chair and gave you no guidance for that time. 

I get the feeling that both of you need to talk more.  You could have come up with alternative activities, and expressed your disinterest.  He could have asked how you felt.

And if he REALLY wants you to hit it off with his friends - he could have introduced you in a social setting where he was with you and had a several sided conversation with others.

Both of you now know that plopping you down with strangers and telling you to meet them and then leaving doesn't work.  What will you do with that info?



LadySweetOrSour -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 5:40:21 PM)

Maybe he failed by not providing you with enough to occupy you. Yes, I know sirs aren't "allowed" to fail at anything, etc., but they do. Quite frankly, in a totally vanilla setting, I have gone to places to keep someone else happy and had a shithouse time because it just wasn't my thing. We all have different tastes and that's ok. I think you should be proud of yourself that after three days you didn't fall asleep and snore your head off, or throw a tantrum!!

I don't think you failed. I think he failed to understand that you tried your absolute best to cope with something that was of absolutely zero interest to you, for a looong period of time, and you cracked and expressed your emotions about it. That's all.

Chin up love. xx



dreamerdreaming -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 6:00:45 PM)

He expected you to be Miss Social Butterfly and impress all his friends with conversation while he went off all day having loads of fun and left you alone amongst people who were strangers to you. What, he doesn't understand that you are shy and reserved, and therefore much  more likely to have a bad time than to have a good time in such a situation? Jesus Christ. [sm=Groaner.gif]



He seems unconcerned with your feelings, and seems not to know the first thing about you. That level of cluelessness is disturbing, to say the least.

Maybe you made a bit of a scene on the third day, but I don't think that was your failure. I think the two of you failed to communicate your needs and desires to each other adequately to begin with. 

The guy sounds very self- absorbed, so maybe you have tried to communicate your needs and desires to him and he's just not getting it. Sounds like a selfish jerk.



lizi -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 6:15:16 PM)

I can't help but feel that your partner could have done more to facilitate for you in this situation. It's his hobby, his friends, his choice of how to spend the weekend/holiday. You did say you'd go along and you did - it seems as though you gave it a good shot on your part. It's a general rule of thumb that the person introducing another into a new situation eases the way for them as much as they can. After all he is the one with all the cards here having it be familiar territory on his part with familiar people.

I've been in situations before where I'm apprehensive about trying something and my partner will at least spend some time addressing my concerns beforehand which gives me a leg up on being more relaxed and positive before I ever get into things. Which in turn helps it go better from the start. He has a vested interest in having me enjoy myself, then he'll get to do it more...right? If approached in this way 'his' activity has a chance of being shared with me and we both get more time together.

This weekend I also did a new activity (kayaking) with a new group of people. My Dom has done it before with this group and wanted me to try. I said I would. It went well but he was there at every step guiding me and easing my way along. I'm not blaming your guy or pointing fingers, it's just a simple observation that if it was important to him that this meeting of you and the friends be successful he should have put something into it as well. Support is everything. We can always do more together than we can alone. Ironitulstahp is quite right, things can  be approached as a discussion not as an accusation in order to explore the subject together and see where things went wrong. Hopefully you'll both come out of it understanding more about what to do next time [:)]

*Edited to add:  3 days? 3 days of something that is not going well is much too much to expect from anyone.



oceanwinds -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 6:22:51 PM)

Hi OP
You know i dont see you as failing. I not going to say your Dom failed either. I do feel things were over looked prior to this trip, and expectations within both of your heads might not have been as logical. Blaming each other is never a good tool, imo, plus i have never been under the impression that no one makes mistakes. Hopefully you two can discuss this and if it was my experience, i would ask for some guidance to help when another outing is planned. Hopefully both of you can take this experience as an opportunity to learn from, instead of you feeling not good enough.

When someone doesn't feel good enough, i do find it useful to have them journal their feelings out. Sometimes it opens doors to insights that can benefit us in the future.

Best of luck,
oceanwinds



DesFIP -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 6:25:21 PM)

You didn't fail, he did. He set you up to fail. Knowing that you are shy, knowing that you knew no one because he hadn't bothered to introduce you prior to this in a social atmosphere to any of these people, he chose to put you in a position that you could not have succeeded at.

Why didn't he think about what he was doing beforehand instead of expecting you to magically gain enormous knowledge of the sport and become the life of the party overnight?

I've got to say that this was a problem with my ex. He liked that I was shy and quiet at home but expected me to become a social butterfly in public. And he wasn't interested in letting me hang on his coat tails while he was in conversations so I could gradually meet people. He set me up to fail so he could pat himself on the back.

Interestingly enough he wouldn't attend groups of my friends where he would be the outsider since he didn't enjoy it. He set it up so I was always uncomfortable because it made him feel better about his own social skills.



Missokyst -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 6:27:17 PM)

This really reminded me of when I was much younger and my BF at the time took me to a party among his buddies for the first time.  His friends hung out in a strip bar.. and though it was closed for this private party the strippers were all there.  OMG I was among bikers, strippers, and there he was trying to catch up to what was happening with some of these people he had not seen in years.
Shoot.  I felt totally out of place and I should have!  I was among people who had very little in common with me, and I was not a stripper.  For a couple hours or so I tried to stick with it.. then after he disappeared for 30 mins with an old friend.  I walked out, in the middle of a very scary city and started to walk home.  Honestly I was too angry to grab a bus, I was too unsettled to try to hitchhike. And I didn't want him to come after me so I went out of my way to take an off the track, path home.
He did find me eventually and took me home .. not the end of the story but girl..
That you stuck it out that long.. lol without making an exit is a success.  Trying is one thing, it was his job to help you fit in, and in that he failed you.
Kyst



antipode -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 7:31:47 PM)

quote:

What do you do, when you really tried, but still failed?


I have a golden rule - I never make anybody do anything outside their comfort zone, unless they themselves came up with the desire, and I won't let them do that to me, either. I think it is a cheap way to make someone fail, and I don't particularly enjoy making somebody feel inadequate in this manner, as I said, it is cheap, easy and futile.

FWIW...



kitastrophe33 -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 7:58:09 PM)

I'll be the first to admit that he didn't *make* me come with him. He wanted me to but he didn't make me. But I like him a lot. I think I could love him. And this hobby is a huge part of his life. I just wish he would have helped me a little more because it does sort of feel like he just let me fail.

I suppose it is still early for us. We're still learning how to be with each other. Thanks for the advice guys!



quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

I have a golden rule - I never make anybody do anything outside their comfort zone, unless they themselves came up with the desire, and I won't let them do that to me, either. I think it is a cheap way to make someone fail, and I don't particularly enjoy making somebody feel inadequate in this manner, as I said, it is cheap, easy and futile.

FWIW...




DavanKael -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 8:02:47 PM)

This doesn't strike me nearly so much as a matter of failure as an issue (or several) of communication. 
  Davan



littlewonder -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 8:24:53 PM)

I've been in such situations where I was out of place. My girlfriend always drags me along to a couple of parties of the same people she is friends with even though she knows I don't really have anything in common with them and I always end up just sitting on the couch all night or hanging out in a corner by myself.

But I don't blame my friend. I blame myself because I'm the one who went and I don't communicate to her that I don't really enjoy going..but I go because I enjoy spending time with her and I know she does things for me that she doesn't enjoy all the time either.

I would say it sounds as if you both need to communicate more if this is a significant problem for you. As you said you both are still new to each other and I have a feeling this was a way of feeling you both out, seeing what each other is made of, where your interests lie, what type of personalities you have and the types of friends you are both used to and I'd say he wasn't prepared for the fact that you are shy and not used to such people. I'm going to guess his past girlfriends have been more outgoing and fit right in with his friends.

At this point you're going to have to decide if you can handle being around his friends so you can tag along and be with him and be happy in knowing he's what's making you happy and that's why you're there...or staying home and being happy knowing he's enjoying himself doing what he loves.



LafayetteLady -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 9:21:48 PM)

I am not now, nor have I ever been shy, but I do have some friends who need a little assistance in social situations where they don't know people and such.  I would never, under any circumstances dream of leaving them all by themselves without at the very least introducing them to a couple of people and even asking the "in" friend to help her/him be comfortable while I went and took my "kite trip" or whatever you call it, coming right back to see how the friend was doing.

Obviously he was hoping you would be a hit with his friends, but didn't think about whether or not your shyness would impede your ability to "impress" them.  Saying that you "failed" is a horrible thing to say.  You are obviously into each other, he wanted to share this part of his life with you.  Explain to him that you will never be a social butterfly or the life of the party.  Suggest that maybe he have a small dinner party at his place where the two of you together get entertain a select group of his friends and you might be more comfortable.  Then when the next trip comes along you will be in a better position to get along on your own while he's off doing his thing.

Good luck.  I think you will work it out.



cpK69 -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/26/2009 10:16:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitastrophe33

What do you do, when you really tried, but still failed?


Recognize I am either incapable of doing what is being asked of me, or look for ways to do it better for the next time I might be presented with a similar task.

Unknowledgeable; do research.

Feeling uninvolved; ask if there are ways to be useful.

Bored; bring something to do… book to read, or other.

Cold; bring a blanket.

Butt sore; bring pillow.

If it had been me, I would be reassessing just how much I think it should have been about me.

Kim



breatheasone -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/27/2009 2:42:00 AM)

i'm sorry you had a crappy weekend, i can sympathize. Its real defeating to feel like you are left to fend for yourself, and floundering, i truly understand. i hope you work it out, it can start to effect your self esteem.



littleone35 -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/27/2009 10:42:11 AM)

I would say neither of you failed. What failed was communication. I agree you Dom could have helped to introduce you to some people before hand so at least you knew them. If you said you wanted to look around town he should have let you go there then go do his sport and you could meet him afterward. You tried and you did your best so it is not a failure just a simple lack of communication.

Matt's littleone



leadership527 -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/27/2009 1:52:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitastrophe33
I'll be the first to admit that he didn't *make* me come with him. He wanted me to but he didn't make me.

You're a submissive talking about the express wishes of her dominant... There is a fine line between "make" and "voiced a preference"... possibly a non-existent line.

I'm going to agree with those who have said his failure not yours. As you describe it, he did little to faciliate the situation. Rather, he merely placed you in it and abandoned you. THen expressed his unhappiness when you're behavior didn't measure up to his expectations.

Assuming I've got that roughly right, then it was his crappy leadership and his crappy communication. More to the point, since you were in obey mode (whether or not he made a command of it), the results of that are his.. for better or worse.

One more point... nobody can ask of anyone anything other than their best. To expect more is ridiculous. At that point, you either decide that their best is good enough or you trade-up to a better model. If you're happy that you really did give it your best shot, then I'd have been happy with your performance. We would talk about how we would improve the situation next time rather than dwell on all the ways you failed me this time.



kiwisub12 -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/27/2009 2:07:29 PM)

Lets see ...  he and his friends are doing something they know a lot about - and you know nothing.
He thinks you failed to impress his friends

What did he think you were going to talk about - tatting????
Sheesh! - he needs to get a grip. He's the one who should be teaching you about his hobby, and introducing you to his friends.
And why do you need to impress his friends at all? They aren't your friends - they are his. He is the one that has something in common with them, not you.

I expect he had a completely different mental picture about how it would be for you - and it didn't pan out. C'est la vie! Now, if he really wants you to meet and enjoy these people he needs to arrange something so you will have more to talk about than one hobby.  Like a party.  Or a picnic. Or just about anything else than leaving you to fend for yourself.

Of course, me being me, i would have had a book, and some hand sewing to do, so i wouldn't have just had to have sat there.  Next time maybe you could organise something you like to do to take with you for the slow times.



ITGirl68 -> RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... (5/27/2009 10:16:21 PM)

Others have already talked about it not being your failure (I agree with them) and have suggested talking with your dom about the experience (ditto) and about preparing for similar situations (Yes - and I'd add bring along a handicraft or learn one - like knitting/crocheting/cross-stitch which all give you something to do with your hands and something to talk about with the people around you).

I think only one person talked about dealing with the feelings of having failed. because that happens far more often than we like, I thought I would add mu voice. The feelings of failure in a DS relationship can be dreadful - the worst. Shame, guilt, worthlessness, etc. And the more intimate and intense the relationship or the situation, the more intense your feelings can be when you feel that you have failed (regardless of whether you actually failed or not). If your dom had a goal in mind or accepts responsibility for the situation, sometimes, he or she can help. And I think he or she has to be the first person you tell.  Still, there are no easy answers. When I have been in that situation, I tried to cope the best I could immediately with the trauma; later I might get a reality check from a submissive friend, talk with my dom, etc. And I always seemed to fall back on doing self-esteem affirmations (mostly from Louise Hays).

I thought there would have been more relevant discussions about this in the past, but these seemed to be the closest I could find (in the Ask a Submissive forum):

"When your dom is disappointed in you," http://www.collarchat.com/m_1491677/mpage_1/key_fail/tm.htm#1491802

"The importance of following a Dominants Instructions," http://www.collarchat.com/m_1542289/mpage_1/tm.htm

I think LuckyAlbatross gives the best advice. For example, in the thread above, she said "the worst thing you could do is suck yourself down into an 'I'm so awful' spiral and not just take it for what it was, learn and move on." In the thread below, she suggested that people try to distract themselves when they go into a shame/depression cycle - "and go do something else productive." 

"Fear of Failure," http://www.collarchat.com/m_414648/mpage_1/key_fail/tm.htm#415006

Good luck...

-- Angel



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