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how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 8:33:35 AM

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.. just have a question asking myself so often...

wouldn't it be an unique, new journey You start when getting in touch with someOne, to find attraction in this person and become an interest for?
mostly, and so far i had contact with Doms i had to realize that their "way" seems very clear. (and no i will not come to the point discussing is that a good or bad thing)
myself i just thuoght, whenever You get in touch with someone You do not know yet and find attraction to each other You will step into a new path - one You never had before - One You never will have in the future again, althuogh humans are familiar and do have some common things....
for me personal it just seems so often it is not me who may will count in a prospective relation.. it is much more then the fact i do define myself as a sub....
i just dont get it how it should work???

thanks for the answer

pet

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 9:01:13 AM

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I'm sorry I have no idea what you are asking. Can you please clarify?

IF you are asking how do you get involved with people in bdsm/Ds...it's the same way you get involved with people in the vanilla world. You choose to spend time together, and eventually you choose to do things together.

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(in reply to wouldlike2)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 9:12:41 AM

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thanks.. but no, thats not my question - smile -

i just made the experience so far whenever i get in touch with a Dom.. someone i may attracted to i had to found out that these people have their own "way"

myself i think You start a BDSM, D/s , M/s relation like You start any other relation too.. like a vanilla, getting to know each other and to find out is this a person i like.. have same interests etc...

in mention i feel their "way". it was always more i had the feeling they didn't wanna know me first as person... it more the function of a sub.. and here then also based on the experience they had in the past, in the lifestyle.

i do see it as a journey You take every time new.. cause we are unique. but it seems like i miss something or may get something wrong?

that was my question...

i hope i could explain this time - smile -

pet

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 9:23:02 AM

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Soooo as I see it, you are looking for what I also insist on which is to spend the time to get to know the person as a person in the same way as you do if you meet someone you are drawn to socially in vanilla society. The wooing period?

For me, this is essential and comes way before there are any serious discussions regarding joining my home and collars. The person will meet the family and pass the Malamute test as well as become familiar with the runing of the home. In return I want to get to know the likes and dislikes and other itimate things about that person. After that it is just time to see if we all feel comfortable in each other's company.....

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(in reply to wouldlike2)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 10:13:25 AM

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It seems as if your experience has been with people who are telling you how they will conduct a relationship, and how things will be done (their way) and there is no room for getting to know one another and forming Y/your own unique relationship and Y/your own unique way of doing things. It sounds like you're simply expected to do it their way or else hit the highway.

I have met people like that as well. This is why you choose very carefully to whom you will submit. Remember, they are not your dominant until you decide to submit to them, so take your time and don't choose someone you aren't completely comfortable with.

Good luck.

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(in reply to wouldlike2)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 10:19:44 AM

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No matter what you do, someone will tell you that you are wrong.

No matter what you decide, someone will try and convince you to do it their way so they can get what they want.

Sometimes they are worth listening to, sometimes not. You have to use your own judgement to decide what will work best with you.

And if someone insists on their own method, it simply means you're not meant to be in a relationship.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to wouldlike2)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 12:16:14 PM

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From: Kentucky
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I may have an idea of what the OP is saying here...

I myself have noticed that many of the doms I speak to long enough to find out their 'kinks', have elaborate scenarios in mind, that they 'rarely' seem to deviate from. It's like they have a dream, or a scene they did years ago...and they do the same one over, and over...

I'm not going to get into specifics here, just suffice it to say, it doesn't seem to matter in some cases, who the submissive is...just that they learn their lines right, and go with the 'story'

insta-scene...just add sub!

Anyway...that may or may not be the case, but, that's the way some do tend to come off. As for me, while I don't mind indulging your fantasies...I would rather come up with some that are just 'for us'...something that incorporates our unique personalities and desires... Is that unrealistic? Idk...

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 12:27:14 PM

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.. thanks a lot - thats what i am talking about

i am still not a native english speaker neither writer - smile -

pet

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 12:27:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
Anyway...that may or may not be the case, but, that's the way some do tend to come off. As for me, while I don't mind indulging your fantasies...I would rather come up with some that are just 'for us'...something that incorporates our unique personalities and desires... Is that unrealistic? Idk...

Interesting. I was discussing this with my local partner last night. I'm very good at being a "vessel" in that I can easily allow someone to project their fantasy/desires onto me and, through me, let them enjoy their fantasy just as they feel it and see it within themselves.

This results in myself having many scenes in which I'm really not getting anything DIRECTLY from the scene at all- their fantasy isn't mine, their motivations aren't mine, etc. And since for me a good job is when it's REAL to them, they rarely are even aware that this is exactly what I am doing- I am becoming their fantasy, my own self slipping away so that their "fantasy sub" can be there. And most doms love it- who wouldn't want the "insta-scene" if they could have it occasionally?

This can work great as a scene sometimes. But it would be horrendous as a relationship.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 12:53:50 PM

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I agree LA, and I have no problem as I said, indulging a fantasy of someone I care for...

It actually makes my life more interesting to meet these different people, and learn their different fantasies...my life becomes more colorful...while some of theirs (it seems anyway) are v narrow...

I wonder if any would actually admit to the 'just add sub' mentality? Would be interesting if someone did...

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 12:56:31 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
I wonder if any would actually admit to the 'just add sub' mentality? Would be interesting if someone did...

Who would admit to the "just add dom" mentality, too?

People get wrapped up in their projections all the time, they fall in love with their ideas, rather than really understand the situation.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 1:03:31 PM

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I dunno...at the same time, I would hope that if I were totally focused on one thing...that I would know it, and be able to admit to it and explain it...

'course then I'd probably follow it up with, 'while the fantasy remains the same...it takes on a different 'flavor' or 'texture' depending on which dom I am living it with...blah blah blah'... sound right?

Actually, that could be true, I guess...as everyone's reactions are bound to be unique.

Quit making me think so much!!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 1:16:31 PM

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I think both sides go into the relationship with certain idea's if not expectations.

As they get to know each other those ideas take on more meaning and change in responce to the personality and dynamic of the relationship.

IMO of course.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 1:22:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

I think both sides go into the relationship with certain idea's if not expectations.

As they get to know each other those ideas take on more meaning and change in responce to the personality and dynamic of the relationship.

IMO of course.

Well it's certainly good to HAVE expectations.

But it's not good to suggest that your expectations are what WILL happen, and to not take the other person's expectations into account.

Some expectations will change over time and some will not.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to RavenMuse)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/9/2006 1:38:42 PM

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What I was getting at is that when some people are talking about their expectations they might not be meaning "This is the way things will be regardless of who the other person is" although it may certainly sound like it unless they are questioned further.

I think most people do incorparate the other person into things, to me doing so is a natural result of caring for the other person. The more I care then the more I want to ensure their needs are met as well as mine (ie do I want the other person to be happy? Do I want the relationship to be successful?) and the more I learn of them the better I know their needs and the ways in which they can be met.

Those things can't be explicitly stated before the relationship, you don't know the other person and can't judge what ways your expectations will shift as a result. No doubt there is some chance that when I am discussing what *I* am looking for, even given the above, some may mistake it as being a statement of what WILL happen rather than just expectations and initial approach.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/12/2006 7:42:26 PM

Vancouver_cinful

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

I agree LA, and I have no problem as I said, indulging a fantasy of someone I care for...

It actually makes my life more interesting to meet these different people, and learn their different fantasies...my life becomes more colorful...while some of theirs (it seems anyway) are v narrow...

I've had this experience too. When dating a dominant who's favourite thing was rope bondage I became a rope-slut. When dating a daddy I became addicted to little girl play...I know it's part of my personal dynamic to become eroticized by something that is turning my partner on...so in essence I become part of their fantasy.

This doesn't mean that I don't still enjoy things that they don't, but those things tend to fade from my concious until I am asked what I would like to do. And over the long term of a relationship I wouldn't want to give up things like bondage and spanking which are very important to me. So it's important that a long term partner enjoy them too.

As for being eroticized by my partner's favourite's kinks, I've been told it's not an unusual D/s dynamic. And like you I love that it has taken me to places I might never have gone.

Cin

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(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: how should it work??? - 2/12/2006 8:00:01 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful
As for being eroticized by my partner's favourite's kinks, I've been told it's not an unusual D/s dynamic. And like you I love that it has taken me to places I might never have gone.

Cin

Happens in all sorts of relationships, kinky and non kinky- that's part of why humans like relationships so much ratehr than just enjoying the fucking and being solitary otherwise. They help us grow beyond ourselves.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

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