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RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/12/2009 3:48:28 AM   
Goddess2002


Posts: 226
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline 		Egad...I work in substance treatment and have seen enough to tell you that this kind of behavior could KILL you. Inhalants (OM* and OD'ing with valium!) are HIGHLY dangerous and kill brain cells instantly. You could possibly have had a seizure...I've witnessed people fall out in my detox department with these kinds of combinations.

This is not safe, and he is not safe. I also worked in rape crisis treatment for many years,and this sounds like a typical "date/drug rape" scenario. Sorry I knowI'm being alarmist, but a message board is a very limited means of expressing concern for another's saftey. You would do well to contact a local domestic violence hotline for advice on what to do...also finding out legally what you can do to remove him from your home. Ultimately it is your decision, but I implore you to take the advice the posters are giving you.

(in reply to Fitznicely)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/12/2009 3:53:41 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

(I know in 24/7 this would be acceptable, but we are not that).
The fact that you see date rape as acceptable in ANY situation is very troubling.




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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/12/2009 6:10:45 AM   
GYPZYQUEEN


Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		OP:

IS there a BATTERED Womens shelter in your area??

WHY WON'T YOUR COUNCELLOR TALK TO YOU?
WHY????
THE SHELTER will talk to you( even as a walk in) to clarify abuse etc and ussually have a good library anyone can borrow from
to read and if one wants to leave or transition a situation they can help make a plan.
AND it does not have to be black or white...
perhaps you want a gray..???
...........YOUR partner to vacate for a time?? so you both can think and re-establish UNDER dif rules..limits and boundries..
 
If drugs are part of your life and you are happy with that well..fine
BUT sounds like you are not..
adn NOW they have caused life threatening  issues
 
LISTEN..
YOU have got to VALUE YOUR SELF..
 
AND..BLUNTLY CAUSE I CARE!!
 
IS it worth it to be in this situation because a man has no job to go to and his micowave..chairs and shirts are there..??
so whats the exchange here??
a companion that is nice sometimes..?
has possessions there..
 
for what??
 ***a possible ass ripping..unexpected bondage..abuse or permanent OD??

 
..
 
GQ
 

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 6/12/2009 6:16:46 AM >

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RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/12/2009 6:58:58 AM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

It's not your job to tell people how they do or do not scene, if they find the risks acceptable, then they're  falling under the banner of risk aware consensual kink.

Now, if things go wrong, it's their own fault But still it's their right to access the risks and if found suitable play under the influence.


While I'm broadly inclined to agree with you (playing while high, if done by people who know what they're doing, is actually far less risky than many activities far more accepted within the BDSM community), this isn't the thread for that argument.  It's simply not the issue here.

The issue is that she put specific limits into play, none of which were respected.    On top of that, he gave her inhalant (and inhalants are extremely dangerous even when not mixed with other drugs) when she was not in a state to turn it down and when she'd made it very clear that was not something she wanted to be doing.

So arguments surrounding the legitmacy of consensual drugs play miss the point entirely.  This wasn't consensual.  And this guy is someone who, according to any vaguely rational risk assement process, nobody should be near when they're high.  Because he's utterly untrustworthy.  And his behaviour suggests to me that he's exactly the kind of person who'd spike someone's drink without their knowledge.




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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/12/2009 7:32:27 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I don't edge play, but I do support others  privileges of playing how they want, as long as it's in private, in their own homes or other private location, and not a club where the club could get shut down.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fitznicely

Topping: That's some pretty serious, dangerous edgeplay. It's my understanding that even among RACK-players, being stoned out of your tree is pretty much a no-no.

Look at it this way: If you're assessing the risks and don't take the altered perceptions and priorities that drugs of pretty much any kind inevitably bring with them seriously....well, if you find that acceptible when doing edge-play, I, for one, don't wanna play with you.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/12/2009 8:05:50 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Yup you're right.  I chose to adress one part of the issue and not all.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso



While I'm broadly inclined to agree with you (playing while high, if done by people who know what they're doing, is actually far less risky than many activities far more accepted within the BDSM community), this isn't the thread for that argument.  It's simply not the issue here.

The issue is that she put specific limits into play, none of which were respected. 



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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/12/2009 8:17:33 AM   
berrysurprise


Posts: 75
Joined: 9/4/2006
Status: offline 		I really hope that whether you have mental health issues or not you are able to start focusing on what you really need and want. It sounds to me like you have many thoughts and emotions driven by what you think or feel other people expect of you.

You have ideas that people are a certain way yet in reality they are actually very different. Whether you are on drugs or not, it sounds to me like you are very much in control of yourself. You are able to make decisions when you feel you want/need or don't want/need something.

I think you need to give yourself some credit. He is there by your choice... You have said so yourself.

Maybe this incident occurred by your own doing... Taking responsibility for your own actions is the first step. Speak honestly and not by saying what you think they want to hear nor by saying what you thing you should say.

I am confused as to why you have decided to have an open relationship and have sex with someone else if your sex drive is considerably lower. That could be a big danger sign.

It sounds to me like you both have some issues that you need to deal with... That could make for a very intense and hard relationship... He sounds like he is a rescuer... someone who feels they belong in a relationship when they can help keep the other person afloat - unfortunately when the other partner is feeling stronger they will often try to bring them down low again so that they stay in their rescuing role.

The hard thing about being in an unhealthy relationship like that if you are not dealing with your issues properly they will only cause and create more and more issues for you to deal with. In the end you will be so overwhelmed that you will be forced apart anyway. Sometimes i find if i cannot find a healthy answer i do nothing... doing nothing is less likely to cause more problems than trying to resolve something using the bull at a gate force.

Good communication, respect and trust are all important factors in a healthy BDSM relationship. I wish you all the best and i hope that you are able to find what it truly is that you are searching for...





(in reply to Fitznicely)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/12/2009 8:33:03 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

I don't edge play, but I do support others  privileges of playing how they want, as long as it's in private, in their own homes or other private location, and not a club where the club could get shut down.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fitznicely

Topping: That's some pretty serious, dangerous edgeplay. It's my understanding that even among RACK-players, being stoned out of your tree is pretty much a no-no.

Look at it this way: If you're assessing the risks and don't take the altered perceptions and priorities that drugs of pretty much any kind inevitably bring with them seriously....well, if you find that acceptible when doing edge-play, I, for one, don't wanna play with you.



Bumped to the General forum. I'm interested in the discussion this could bring on.

That aside, in this case, and specifically in this case, Consent was not given. As others have said, he could have killed her outright, this was rape, pure and simple.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/12/2009 8:38:37 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

It's not your job to tell people how they do or do not scene, if they find the risks acceptable, then they're  falling under the banner of risk aware consensual kink.

Now, if things go wrong, it's their own fault But still it's their right to access the risks and if found suitable play under the influence.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fitznicely

Fuck RACK, you don't scene on drugs, period.

You say he hates open relationships. I'm sure this is his revenge fuck for you sleeping with someone else.

The guy's dangerous.


[Edited cos I don't need to ask)

YHMA...total bull. Taking a mind altering drug inhibits the RISK AWARENESS factor of risk aware consensual kink. Which is why it is NEVER recommended...ever.


< Message edited by sirsholly -- 6/12/2009 8:40:32 AM >

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/12/2009 9:01:10 AM   
subangi


Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		I'm sorry to say that I would not even be thinking about abuse/BDSM/his fault.  I would be looking at myself.  Like....why did I choose to misuse Valium?  If I was having sexual problems with my mate and had a decreased sexual drive , why did I venture outside of that to have sex?  I was aware of what happened, so how can I say the inhalant wasnt my choice?  Why did I set up this self abuse?
Saying that he has moved some stuff in is an excuse.  If you have no trust, and feel the need to self abuse, then it is a no win situation.  In 6 mos are you going to be crying out that he has himself established in your home and what do I do because its been 6 mos?
I think you need to look at yourself.  Invest a relationship with yourself.  Take responsibility of your own actions. 
This may seem harsh, but you really need a wake up call within yourself.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/13/2009 6:51:00 PM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good evening!
Sometimes it is very hard to know the difference and I applaud you for posting this. I came into the lifestyle this way. So many years of having these hidden needs and kinks and then here comes a guy that basically takes advantage of my naitivite (sp) and while I am liking some things about what he is doing-saying no to other things he tries doing-and fighting him off from things that physically are hurting me...I was left with "what the hell just happened??" everytime after he left.  (He was a contractor on my house) So stupid me kept seeing him, hoping he would stop when things got too bad. A few trips to the ER healed my body but my mind was a mess. Luckily he left the state for work...telling me to wait until he contacted me again and like an idiot I did...and I began readingup on BDSM. Turned out he was so far wrong. I was lucky to escape with only a few hidden scars on my body.  The next Master showed infinite patience and really taught me the ins and outs of things and then I met Daddy. And I have been treated so well as his baby girl. I can never look back. He has set the bar so high.

You really need to take time and figure out limits, wants, needs, and get a picture of what you want to be ideally. What you strive for or hope to achieve. THEN re-start your search. You are worth so much to someone good and so much more to yourself. Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel


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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/14/2009 4:43:03 AM   
berrysurprise


Posts: 75
Joined: 9/4/2006
Status: offline 		good comment :)

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/14/2009 8:24:55 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Check out the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom's listing for Kink Aware Professionals. 
I will say, however, that I think there are responsibility and boundary issues on both sides of this equation that far eclipse anything having to do with kink. 
  Davan

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RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/14/2009 8:51:54 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Check out the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom's listing for Kink Aware Professionals. 
I will say, however, that I think there are responsibility and boundary issues on both sides of this equation that far eclipse anything having to do with kink. 
Davan

20 points.


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I know they're all insane
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I know that I'm to blame."
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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/21/2009 11:33:31 AM   
allisonludwig


Posts: 56
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		Hi there,
Good job on being aware and taking time to think about this, but don't wait too long before you take action, as it may be more difficult by then if you do wait days or weeks. If he cares about you, he will do as you wishes. My advice, and it's only advice, is to ask him to move out. If he didn't have all sorts of shit at your apartment, would you hesitate? If not, then don't let that hassle get in your way. Once you ask him to move out, give him a deadline, and if he does not follow through, call your friends, family, and/or the police. Once you are living separately, you can still continue the relationship and see how it goes.

It sounds like a scary situation, and I think the longer you put off doing the safest thing for you, it will be more difficult.

Allison

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: BDSM or abuse? - 6/23/2009 6:07:01 PM   
LdyWintershade


Posts: 41
Joined: 6/9/2009
Status: offline 		Okay, I will state the obvious one more time....this is a HIGHLY DANGEROUS situation.  You already know what mistakes you made in this situation (no lecture) and you how he responded to a situation in which you placed a large trust in him....he abused that trust and endangered you and completely disregarded you feelings and stated concerns.  Those are NOT the actions of someone who cares about you, no matter how 'nice' he seems at other times.  All abusers are 'nice' sometimes.
The only thing I can say for his part is, you should not assume that he did this in retaliation to the night you spent with someone else.  It may very well be the case, but it could also be he's just fucked up, with no hidden motives other than being cruel and taking control of you.
Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit!

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Profile   Post #: 36
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