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RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/28/2004 10:08:17 AM

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From: Washington
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quote:

then - at the first meeting, -- still at the original coffee shop, still at the first meeting... we have talked for perhaps one hour in person total -- He asks the submissive to leave the restaurant to 'take a ride in his car' out in the countryside .

i said no.

He is no longer interested in me.

comments?

My only comment is you were very smart not do something you weren't comfortable with or ready for.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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(in reply to iwillserveu)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/28/2004 6:32:50 PM

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Hi All! I'm very new to this lifestyle & message board - but I just wanted to say thanks for this post. I am meeting someone on Friday for the first time (EVER), and I'm freaking out. Ya know how your friends can put ideas in your head! My gut feeling is this guy is AOK.. do I just stick with that? Or listen to the people who care about me?!
~teachme2begood

p.s. one of you has a quote out there that is fabulous.. if i remembered who you were, LOL, I'd tell ya!

(in reply to goodwoman)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/28/2004 9:30:25 PM

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From: Scotland/Tennessee
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quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillserveu

submissive - someone who "submits" in the bedroom, but beyond play is not "submissive"

This has not been my experience at all. You are suggesting that submission is merely sexual, and/or something that can be turned off and on, and that is simply not the case. At least not in my relationships. The D/s relationship is so much deeper and richer than that, and is, in fact, very intimate and powerful on so many levels. When one dedicates themself in submission, sincerely, not out of fear of reprisal, but in love, that is the gift that is valued. And that is certainly not "play".

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Lady Beckett

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(in reply to iwillserveu)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/29/2004 5:57:31 PM

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M'Lady,

You misunderstand me. Those are pidgeon holes that i use not that everyone must use.

(Before everyone decries me, admit it! You pidgeonhole politicians and insurance salesmen and D/s people too.)

I feel, for sake of organizing my (not Your) own thoughts a submissive will agree to be tied up, spanked, etc. but would wonder what the heck is going on with you asking him to do the dishes. (Maybe even balk if ordered to.

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When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/30/2004 12:27:35 PM

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Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Portland, Oregon
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goodwoman - I hate it when I hear about people who have only just met getting coerced or harassed into doing something they don't wish to do, all under the aegis of a D/s "relationship."
If you will pardon me for being blunt and perhaps crude, I think that perhaps the fellow wanted to see if he could use you at that moment, but, as you were not immediately yielding, did not have sufficient interest in you to pursue it further.
Personally, I hope that you find that you are just as well off without someone like that.
And after all, if that's all you wanted , you could probably find it anywhere you choose.
Best to you,
Checkers
PS: There is one other possibility that comes to mind, though from your post, I think it is far less likely: are you sure he didn't interpret your declining to go for a ride somehow as a signal that you weren't really interested in him at all? I know you mentioned doing lunch, dinner, etc., but sometimes signals can get crossed...

< Message edited by Checkers -- 4/30/2004 12:33:35 PM >

(in reply to goodwoman)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 5/23/2004 10:43:37 PM

rain

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goodwoman,

sounds like a smart move on your part and i'm glad you're here!

~rain~

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(in reply to Checkers)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 5/23/2004 11:19:13 PM

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Joined: 5/10/2004
From: New Castle, PA
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quote:

dedicated submissive - lucky bastard owned by M'Lady

iwill - i never knew your parents were not married

goodwoman - you done good girl - wise decision on your part

at the risk of echoing what others have said

I don't think first meetings should ever leave the public eye - if you are compatible and everything 'clicks' then there is plenty of time in the future to seek privacy - hell if things get that hot and heavy between you, you can always set up another meeting for the next day

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(in reply to rain)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 5/24/2004 4:28:46 AM

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From: Sacramento, California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Thanatosian
I don't think first meetings should ever leave the public eye - if you are compatible and everything 'clicks' then there is plenty of time in the future to seek privacy - hell if things get that hot and heavy between you, you can always set up another meeting for the next day

Well said!

I totally agree!

~ShadeDiva

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~ShadeDiva
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(in reply to Thanatosian)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 7/8/2004 12:13:46 AM

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i have met a lot of men and always followed your guidelines. I also let them know that i am texting a friend with their details (car registration, proof of id) if they dont like it then i walk.
I have a dear friend who was once blackmailed by a sub after first time play. I would always suggest that e-mails of what the sub wants and is willing to take should be kept as evidence.

(in reply to goodwoman)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 7/8/2004 9:49:40 PM

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My ex-wife ignored all thoughts of safety and left the public eye on a first meeting and ended having the crap beaten out of her.

Lucky she didnt end up in a barrel or on a pig farm, but got quite irate when I pointed that out. Hrm, hence the use of the term "ex" in the first sentence.

Just me, could be wrong.

Sinergy

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(in reply to thewaitress)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 7/8/2004 11:53:06 PM

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From: Utah
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A few things I would add are:

1) Keep in mind you are meeting someone you DON'T know. It sounds simple enough but too often people reveal too much information about themselves based on a "connection" they feel via cyber/phone. Instead of remembering they are meeting a STRANGER, they go to meet their "soul mate", Master/Mistress of their dreams, etc etc....and discard basic safety protocol based on that view.

Regardless of how well you feel you know them ..... how "in love" you are with them...or how wonderful they seem: When you meet someone for the first time face to face it is a BLIND DATE.

2) After your meeting....don't drive directly home. Make pitstops and take the long way around. If you feel you are being followed, pull into a police station, a Mall, or movie house. (From the latter, call your safety and have them pick you up from another exit. Go back for your car later.)

3) My own pet peeve. (laffs) Call your safety once you have arrived home safe!!!! I can't tell you how many times I have stayed up waiting for that call....only to call them and find them home sleeping soundly. No matter what time it is.....check in once you get settled in at home.

4) For your safecall......have a safety phrase that can alert your safety of danger without tipping off your date. (IE "I got a postcard from my Mother yesterday" can mean "Help! Call 911!~)

Ms Sandi

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"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 7/31/2004 9:27:41 AM

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Thank you for the guideline, ShadowHwk. I am combing through all the important discussions and gaining some 'quick fix' knowledge - I am new to this lifestyle in practice. At the same time I'm gathering up the bits and pieces of information, I am also aware that just because I can read these things and understand their importance; this does not mean that I am all-safe. "This" could still happen to "me".

Panthers Claw

(in reply to ShadowHwk)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 7/31/2004 1:29:28 PM

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I agree with the saftey in the first meeting. But what would you do if you are traveling to see the Dom, several states away? My wife/sub came to me from another state, and I meet her at the airport. We then went to my place... I guess if I was a "loonitic" Dom, she would have been in real a fix, but for her sake, I'm not. I did make her call home to her mother to let her know she was safe and sound periodically throughout the first weekend we met. A month later she was at my home perminantly. I married and collared her 2 years later.

But for others I would not being so unsafe.

MC

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A Master is not a title, it is what a slave calls her trusted Dom. The true Masters of the past were trained, and given the name, not given the title by self-proclamation.

(in reply to panthersclaw)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 8/2/2004 5:09:49 PM

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Saftey goes for the Dominant too
what made You think that she might
not of been the one whom was loonie?
You are very lucky that she was not.
You took a great chance bringing sumone
You did not know to Your Home right off Controls
even tho it was from far away. A hotel stay
till better real life establishment of agreement
would of been in order. Dont underestimate the
power of a loonie woman or sub or slave either,
it could get You killed. Maybe the thought that
preditors comes in all shapes and sizes and roles.

(in reply to MastersControl)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 8/2/2004 8:53:31 PM

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LOL, You are absolutely right, but it never crossed my mind that this woman wasn't someone, I couldn't take care of if she was loonie. I do Have 3 German Shepherds who can act on command, and one who was used to control subs in the past, (I have trained he to retreive subs if need be, even though he never had to... WEG) and he would never have let a woman hurt me.... lol So I felt very protected, plus I had friends in the police department, who were my back up.... lol

But yes I am a very blessed man to have lisa, she is a great sub/wife.

MC

_____________________________

A Master is not a title, it is what a slave calls her trusted Dom. The true Masters of the past were trained, and given the name, not given the title by self-proclamation.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 8/3/2004 2:22:33 PM

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Excellent thread ShaeowHawk. To all who added suggestions ... also great.

As a Dominant when meeting a lady for the first time, I ask her to set the place to meet. As suggested by all, it should be very very public.

As a Dom, I feel it also necessary for me to protect myself also. These are the steps I take.

1, I usually arrive at least 15 minutes early and tell someone that I am meeting a lady for the first. I give them a description of her, what she may be wearing, etc. This helps her find me PLUS give me some degree of protection.

2. Once the first meeting is over, depending upon the situation, for the lady's safety I may walk her to her car. If I do so, I tell someone exactly what I am doing and that I will be back to have another drink or another cup of coffee. Once again, someone knows what is happening. I have once again provided some degree of protection for my self as well as ensuring the lady reaches her car safely.

3. Prior to the first meeting, I ask her to set up safe calls. During the first meeting, I ask her several times to make her calls. Simply a matter of protection for both of us.

4. Lastly, when I return home or to the motel, I do call her to make sure she got home safely. To me this is just common courtsey.

I think it is a sad commentary that all must take so many steps to be safe but it is well worth the time and effort.

Just my thoughts

Donn
AKA ThorsHammer

(in reply to ShadowHwk)

RE: First meeting guidelines - 10/31/2004 6:38:17 PM

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Joined: 10/31/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UtahGoddess

2) After your meeting....don't drive directly home. Make pitstops and take the long way around. If you feel you are being followed, pull into a police station, a Mall, or movie house. (From the latter, call your safety and have them pick you up from another exit. Go back for your car later.)

4) For your safecall......have a safety phrase that can alert your safety of danger without tipping off your date. (IE "I got a postcard from my Mother yesterday" can mean "Help! Call 911!~)

Alright, well, I'm quite new to this whole scene (BDSM), but not to the online meeting thing, however, the first one is an AWESOME tip and the second one, I didn't even think of! Thanks Sandi!

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Smile when you're ready.

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

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