Loki45
Posts: 2100
Joined: 5/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bluefireeyez
While I don't have Schizophrenia, I do have Major Depressive Disorder and as I describe it two tracks in my mind. On the one hand, I will run a continous dialogue/thought process with myself. On the other, I will try to have conversations and/or go to classes. It does make it extremely hard to concentrate on the external world, expecially when the thoughts of death creep in.
I have some experience with things like this. Mine wasn't called major depressive disorder, though. It was...dsthymic (sp?) disorder and a schitzo-typal personality trait. Through my own research, I think much of it stems from an increasing bought with OCD....at least that's what 'my' research leads me to think.
I once told a friend of mine that there will likely never be a time in my life when I can't picture a hand putting a gun in my mouth. It's not that I'm suicidal. Far from it. However, as I am told, occasionally times of GREAT stress send my mind to 'that place.' Suicidal ideation is what they called it. But in my honest opinion, those shrinks were fucked in the head. Basically they asked me questions like this: "Do you ever think of suicide?" And my reply was something along the lines of "I can think of anything if you ask me to. I've seen 'scenes' in movies where someone has killed themselves, and I have an amazing memory, thus I can picture myself in that situation."
I still think they just didn't get my answer. Anyway....
I recently did a search on OCD and the various forms and was blown away by the variety of symptoms it can display. Anything from a need to wash your hands multiple times to complete sexual confusion. The latter leads to depression because the person tends to doubt/be unhappy with who they are or who they think they are. In extreme cases, it is described as the person "thinking" they have gender dysphoria and thus should 'change genders' but they really don't. They are just confused by how their brain interprets things. (Make sense?)
In another thread, someone said "you have issues." Obviously, my reply is "Nope, I have full subscriptions."
Another potential symptom for OCD people (which I know I have) is 'bad thoughts.' To explain exactly what that means.....it's kinda like the OP's voices. I don't hear the voices...I see the event happening. I see the car of a friend or loved one being in an accident and totalled. I see me driving down and a car hits me head on. The problem is kinda two-fold. First, the thoughts themselves. Obviously they aren't pleasant, but alone they're kinda like a 'visual worry.' I worry about what might happen, so my brain puts it "On screen" to borrow a Star Trek reference. The second problem with those 'bad thoughts' is the mistake belief that by having them, I have the capicity to somehow 'cause' them. Sort of a....I think it therefore it will happen.
I've also got the lovely hand-washing thing. And I've noticed it's gotten worse as I have gotten older. Sure, as any OCD person can, I can really make a great case for WHY I need to wash my hands. But I really am just doing it because I'm not trying not to. If I really exert my willpower, I can avoid it, either by grouping many actions that would require a wash together, thus washing only once, or by just realizing that the thing I just touched isn't nearly as dirty as I think it is. It's not easy. If I am focused on other things, I have been known to wash my hands several times an hour or less.
Speaking of willpower, that brings me back to the 'bad thoughts.' Sure, OCD folks can get meds. But my problem with the meds I've tried are they either feel like they are doing nothing, or they have made me rather zombified. My research into OCD (as well as some past conversations with others) shows that some are able to overcome their symptoms through willpower. So, being a fan of superheroes like Superman, the Green Lantern, etc, I exert my willpower through them. To sum up, should a thought pop into my head of a friend or love one's car being in a wreck, I will re-picture the same scene, with a Green or Blue "force field" (ala Green Lantern) around their car, thus making them invulnerable. It makes it a lot easier to watch such a scene when I know the outcome won't be bad.
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"'Till the roof comes off, 'till the lights go out
'Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth."
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RE: The voices in my head. - 
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, he wasn't the most popular entity). He told me his name used to be Samas, before he became Death. 
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