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RE: Mentoring - 8/20/2004 11:32:19 PM

GoddessJules

Posts: 549
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hiya afmvdp,

To answer your question, I have been "formally"mentored. I was part of an Order so my mentoring consisted of a mentoring "team". . .a dominant and a submissive. I had to do 6 month mentoring contracts in which I had to outline my goals for that period of time to be approved by my mentor (the dominant one.)

I have mixed feelings about the experience. The dominant mentor I had was male and I do feel that sometimes he did abuse that "authority." But the goal of mentoring in an "organizational" setting is to be formally titled (whether the title is Mistress, Master, or slave.) '

I guess I can see the value of mentoring in some cases. . .but in most, it's probably best to have an "informal" relationship that is open for any kind of communication.

Just my 2 cents

~Jules~

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RE: Mentoring - 8/21/2004 9:13:28 AM

afmvdp

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I think that is closer to what I had, though I went through about 2 1/2 years of service under a domme. I think it makes me a better Dom to know what it is like on the opposite side. I think it gives me a bit of unique insight. At first I was just enslaved, and I don't use that word lightly, but once she saw my Dominant nature released, slowly but surely experiences where others were brought in for me to train on became the norm.

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RE: Mentoring - 8/21/2004 9:46:20 AM

Thanatosian

Posts: 765
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: New Castle, PA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dannie12345

how do you find a mentor in an area that has little in the are a

step one - use your computer to do a search for lifestyle events within a reasonable distance (say, 2 hours drive time)

step two - get your ass out from behind the computer and go meet&greet with people at munchs, bdsm events, etc, that you found in your computer search

I came from a similar situation as yours - up until 8 months ago there was no 'local' scene for the lifestyle - so I semi regularly (when work schedule allowed) drove 2-3 hours to attend munchs, meets, play parties, go to clubs, etc. I have gotten to meet some wonderful people in the lifestyle, who were able to refer me to other people closer to where I live and it went from there. Now there is a munch 15 minutes from my home that meets every month, with occasional play parties thrown into the mix. Turns out there are a hell of a lot more people into the lifestyle in this area than I had ever thought possible.

in short, get out into the real world, meet people and 'network' yourself with them and you may be surprised.
Hope this helps

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RE: Mentoring - 8/22/2004 11:04:09 AM

Sinergy

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Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

I am strongly in agreement with you here, Sandy. I don't preclude a physical relationship in as much as if someone I am mentoring wants to experience sensation I often will oblige. I do not have sexual relationships with people who I am 'mentoring.' That's not to say that there is never 'heat' or 'chemistry,' rather the commitment that there is no sexual relationship is the hard limit. My hard limit.

My hard limit as well.

Although my rationale for it being a hard limit has more to do with the ethics behind a teacher / student relationship. There is an unequal power relationship going on, and I personally dont think the student can consent.

To answer Afmvdp's question, I have been mentored in various aspects of this lifestyle, although usually it is more in relation to learning the how-to-do things. For the why-I-do things I have only met one or two people who could really sit outside what they do and describe what they saw from multiple perspectives. These individuals I would approach and talk to at great length, but I would not consider the relationship a mentor / student relationship.

I do have to say I have had extensive mentor / student relationships in non-BDSM areas.
The person who taught me the most about teaching and control of other people was the man I was a martial arts instructer for for 14 years, which was a D/s (he was Master of the art, I was simply an instructor in charge of students) relationship although not lifestyle related.

From my perspective, it is not what one learns on a specific topic (e.g. D/s, BDSM) that determines their ability or experience, it is how effectively they apply everything they learn to whatever they do.

JM, CBW, BTYG

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Post #: 24

RE: Mentoring - 8/22/2004 4:17:54 PM

draxxe

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NO a mentor is for guidance and knowledge...

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RE: Mentoring - 8/29/2004 6:13:52 AM

LordBeast

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/16/2004
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I can't speak for others, but for myself I have mentor many in the lifestyle. No I do not have sexs with these subs/slave. No I do not hadle there day by day life. Yes I do help them grow in the lifestyle. I give them answers to question that they give to me. Yes I give them My OPINION on things. Please notices I said Opinion. I am there to help thme grow not to hold them by the hand. Yes I do talk to many of the Dom/Masters they think they would like to take part with. No I do not tell them they can not be with that person. In that talk I tell that Dom/Master what I think about this sub/slave. But this is me not others. To me a mentor is someone that gives a helping hand and points them in a right diraction. sites back and watches what happens.

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RE: Mentoring - 9/1/2004 11:18:12 AM

lonelylittlegirl

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quote:

1. A mentor does NOT have a sexual relationship with the sub/slave.
2. A mentor provides lifestyle guidance.
3. A mentor provides a different perspective on certain situations.
4. A mentor encourages students to think for themselves.
5. A mentor watches out for, and warns said student of any pitfalls that he/she sees.
6. A mentor encourages and teaches good decision-making.
7. A mentor may provide guidelines and possibly punishments when/if the sub/slave steps out side of the guidelines.

ShadowHwk, thank you for laying this out in list form!!! i found this to be a very informative thread..... as a new, inexperienced sub i think that it would be very helpful to find a mentor with these characteristics... this is not to say that all the other posts i've read weren't helpful as well, but putting these thoughts in list form is exactly what i needed.... finding a mentor to help sort things out would be such a boon in this exciting but sometimes confusing search..... search for a better understanding not only of the lifestyle, but myself as well..... professionally, i've been lucky to have many mentors to help me not only find the right career path for myself, but also develop my skills and better myself as a person as well.... i would love to be able to find a mentor to help me understand and develop the submissiveness of my personality--- at times i feel very lost and uncertain.... i've met a few subs that have helped and made this process a little easier, but i think that finding a Dom that would be there for me as a mentor would provide a different kind of perspective and would be helpful as well..... of course, the difficulty in finding one that is truly interested in guiding as an advocate and not just a predatory user is a little daunting... thanks again for everyones' thoughts on this matter and helping me to focus in on the qualities that would make a good mentor.... good luck out there!!!!!

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RE: Mentoring - 9/5/2004 5:43:11 PM

Zensee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sundew02

Again as with most things there seems to be a slight difference in the definition of the word. To me, and this of course as always is my opinion, a mentor is a peer who has information you want or need and they are willing to pass along. So a mentor for a Dom/me would more than likely be a Dominant. A mentor for a sub/slave would be a sub/slave. Sundew

I think you nailed it Sundew. To me, mentoring is the pairing of experienced and inexperienced people within the same "profession". Domination and submission are complementary but distinct in that sense.

For me it must be a highly platonic arrangement in order to be mentoring. Anything involving control or play is training so I’d be dubious of any Dominant who claimed to be mentoring a submissive.

I suppose an experienced submissive could mentor a new Dominant as long as the submissive was not getting gratification of their own kink that way. That would be topping from below. Again, if it’s not platonic it’s play.

As to training collars, I think they are fine, as they provide protection, structure and identity for the submissive. If they or the Dominant mistake a training collar for anything more, that is their failure to communicate honestly, not the fault of the symbol.

My understanding of a protection collar is the temporary transfer of control of a collared submissive to a trusted Dominant or a temporary arrangement where an uncollared submissive takes refuge from the wolves. Anything more is a corruption of the purpose.

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Post #: 28

RE: Mentoring - 9/7/2004 3:00:23 PM

Mercnbeth

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By definition a mentor can NOT have a sexual relationship with the person being mentored. Having been a mentor in business as well as in this lifestyle, that relationship is unique, and must be maintained outside any other relationship between the people involved.
In business, I can not mentor someone who works for me. I am giving suggestions, insight, and training on how to advance within the company that person is working. In this lifestyle, I am providing that same insight. The emotions of being in an emotional and/or sexual relationship at the same time would make mentoring difficult, potentially self serving, and ultimately a source of mistrust. And TRUST is the cornerstone of any mentor relationship.
A mentor is most important a source of trust. A place where a person can go in confidence to get a straight and honest answer. A mentor must be so confident that if posed with a question that he doesn't know the answer to, he doesn't just make one up. He tells the person, that's outside his experience or knowledge level and points him to a resource that the answer can be found.
A mentor usually does NOT take control of the specifics of a person's life. He guides, he steers, but lets the person discover their own strengths to achieve the desired goal.

It is natural for this to develop into an emotional or physical relationship. But at that point, the mentor-ship ceases.

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RE: Mentoring - 9/7/2004 6:32:03 PM

WayHome

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Joined: 8/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

By definition a mentor can NOT have a sexual relationship with the person being mentored. Having been a mentor in business...

Funny how words evolve. The original "mentors" were older, successful and respected male sexual partners of boys who got guidance and social clout in exchange for sex. Of course that was even before "decimate" meant to kill one out of every ten rather than to destroy completely.

Obviously sex would be innapropriate in a mentoring relationship in business. It's probably not a good idea in all cases in BDSM either, but I'm not convinced it's completely out of the question in every case. One might have relationship that is not romantic but does involve play (sexual or otherwise) with someone new to the lifestyle and have that relationship be primarily one of advisor and guide. This might include helping the newbie to figure out what and who he or she is after and how to intelligently go about getting it. Obviously conflict of interest is possible ("What you really need is a guy just like me. Hey wait a minute, I just happen to be available.") but since this isn't the business world we sometimes take that chance rather than making the assumption conflict of interest will always be there.

Leto

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