RE: Got your Dom hat on?

RE: Got your Dom hat on? (Full Version)

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barelynangel -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/23/2009 6:00:49 PM)
quote: Its just such a piss off, because I took him from a vanilla virgin, to what he is, and put so much work into everything. If your work was that easily undone, perhaps it wasn't as strong as you believe it was. you seem like you are more concerned about your toy not playing right, instead of HIM figuring out what he really wants. All i see is you saying YOU know, however, HE needs to recognize and acknowledge this all on his own. Perhaps its time to let the boy be the MAN he is and figure it out for himself. You can be there for him or you can get pissed off because he knows nothing else but what you have taught him and now he is learning there is a real world out there. Did you ever stop to consider maybe even if it was his mom who make me think it, this may be something he wants to check out for himself? You can be like his mom or you can be the person who has worked him through what seems a whole hell of a lot up to now, now you have to work him through this which may mean you have to teach him about something that may take your toy away from you if he determines his dom hat is what he wishes to wear. You can't make this decision for him, and i hate to say it but it seems you have made this decision for him in the past. Now this time, he really has to do it himself. Either way, i wish him luck in his learning a little more about himself whatver that may be. And i hope your relationship works out for you. angel

LadyHexx -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/23/2009 9:22:27 PM)
Actually, I did step back and allow him to figure it out for himself, thats why Im helping him training to be a dom. Im trying, really trying to foster his desires, and that was the way I saw to do it.

Venatrix -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/23/2009 9:34:04 PM)
Why you would want to put up with all this drama is beyond me. It sounds like, of the three people involved in this situation, you are the one with the least amount of control over it. You can reassert your control by walking away from him entirely. No fighting over mummy, no pseudo-dom training, nothing. Let him get his act together by himself, and in the meantime, go sub hunting. If he decides he wants to be with you, and you're still interested, then you can take it from there.

barelynangel -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/24/2009 5:22:28 AM)
Maybe you aren't the one who should be training him in learning about this side he wants to explore. You are too close to it, you want something different, and he is too instinctive towards you. Conflict of interest idea. And i am sure he knows you feel this is a waste of time and are frustrated which will on some level hinder this exploration. Maybe you should find someone else to help him explore this concept and remove yourself from it. It may then help at least put your home back in order to where your relationship is defined easier between the two of you because he doesn't only have YOU to practice on so to speak. It also may give him space to fully emerge himself to understand his dom side when he is with someone else, while with you he can simply do what he knows and enjoys without feeling he is giving up anything at the moment. Good luck, angel

RCdc -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/24/2009 5:50:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHexx Actually, I did step back and allow him to figure it out for himself, thats why Im helping him training to be a dom. Im trying, really trying to foster his desires, and that was the way I saw to do it. This about says it all. You are helping to train him to be 'a dom' whilst expecting him to submit to you. That will not work. You are expecting him to be two things at the same time. No wonder he is confused. You are far too emoptionally involved with him to do so much at once. No - I never have nor do I own a 'dom hat'. the.dark.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/24/2009 6:14:33 AM)
He's a Momma's boy. Run away, fast and far. Leave it.

JstAnotherSub -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/24/2009 6:47:21 AM)
how in the world did his mother know the intimate details of yalls relationship? i wonder if she would have disliked you if she had just known you were a g/f, instead of a domme to her baby. theres a lot to be said for discretion. everyone does not need to know the dynamics you have. my opinion only, of course.

Lockit -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/24/2009 8:38:33 AM)
LOL... try hiding submission or dominance from this mother... and I don't think I am special! It has been my job to know without knowing... to see things hidden... to examine, take care of and make sure all was well. Even when you step back and let the lil birdies fly, you know a great deal! The major thing here is a mother who is acting too motherly or unhealthy or a mother who has really stepped back and allowed the birdie to fly. I didn't have to know details of real personal things to know when my lil birdies were submissive with one or dominant with another or submissive healthy or submissive unhealthy. And I am not a controlling mother. I always hated the saying I am raising um's. I said I am raising adults because when all is said and done, I want an adult standing there. Then it was time for my party!

LadyHexx -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/24/2009 10:16:24 AM)
We did try to hide it, but with her living 4 houses down from us (dont even get me started on that) She knows everything before even we do.

leadership527 -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/24/2009 10:28:50 AM)
OK, I'm a bit confused here. You identify as a dominant which means, to me, that you move through the world and shape reality to your will -- successfully. That is not happening here. When I've been in such situations in the past, my response is to take a long, sobering look in the mirror. I find it very productive to ask the man I see there a few questions. Why am I failing here? What flaw(s) in my leadership style is/are preventing my partner from obeying? What am I doing wrong? I find that if I pay attention, the guy in the mirror has some really great advice.

antipode -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/24/2009 11:23:15 AM)
quote: I know he is a sub, he loved doing it, loved making me happy, and loved his life when he was submitting to me, he said so on 1000's of occasions. Then there should not be an issue. For anyone to blackmail anybody else, the blackmailer has to have some tools to do the blackmailing with, I am not seeing how that works here - if you mean emotional blackmail, say so, and provide more information. Secondly, if this sub of yours is easily controlled by his mother, you're not the dominant you think you are, you don't have the power you would like to have. So, whether you pack it in or not, you need to examine yourself, your motives, your actions, your place in the relationship, and figure out what went wrong. Whatever went wrong, it is with you, not with him, not with his mother, it can vary from him trying to keep everybody happy, to you upsetting his mother because you don't know how to manage her. Check it out, and stop blaming your ills on others.

beargonewild -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/24/2009 12:53:16 PM)
Set aside the D/s part of your relationship with this guy and realize this is a power struggle between a mother who may feel no woman is good enough for her son and you trying to replace her in his life. I wouldn't be surprised if she views you as a threat to her relationship with her son and thus sees you as competition for his affections and his attention. Unless you and her reach a mutually agreeable solution, it is pretty much guaranteed that you will lose in the end. Ultimatums never work and maybe the wiser course is to step back especially if you consciously or unconsciously put him in a position where he feels he has to choose between you or his mother. He is the only one who can make that choice have his own life or not. I've been there with a former Sir. Mommy dearest was jealous of the time he and I spent together. I saw how that wedge was being placed between us and found it easier to walk away form him and the relationship than to fight over his attentions with his Mother as I knew I would lose in the end. After 10 months of absolutely no communication from him gave me the answer that I made the right decision to walk.

LadyHexx -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (6/25/2009 8:12:35 AM)
Well, I think I might like to try this with little to no D/s involved for a while, and see if there is anything keeping me around. I can live kink free with him if there is something else making it worth it to stay. I guess I really cant change him, and I'll just have to ride this out, or jump ship. As for not being a good Dominant, well, I refused to break him, for one, and for two, Im not going to force him to do something he doesent want to do right now. So, I guess, Im probably the one taking my Dom hat off here, and just being a girlfriend for now. Hopefully, that is the right thing to do.

justme1980 -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (7/6/2009 10:12:27 PM)
After reading the OP statements... This relationship is wrong on so many levels. I'd cut my losses and find someone else

DesFIP -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (7/7/2009 1:20:12 PM)
For the moment, change the locks so she doesn't have a key if she does. Have one night a week set up to have dinner with her, other nights don't answer the phone or door. Have him call her the next day and talk then, with a time limit before he says I'll see you Tuesday like usual, bye for now, have to run.

penitentialarts -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (7/7/2009 8:55:36 PM)
Well, it sounds like he has some choices to make. Being close to your mother and listening to her advice is one thing. Letting her run your relationships and sex life is quite another. He's going to have a hell of a time being someone's Dom if his mother controls his life to that degree. - Jesse

ChasingOblivion -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (7/7/2009 11:15:44 PM)
Leave while you still have good memories to cherish. I had a similar situation with my husband. My husband and I used to swing, and I got involved with a Dominant that I met through a mutual friend in our swingers group. I kept no secrets from my husband about the D/s relationship, and he supported my exploration of BDSM wholeheartedly. At least he did until he ran out of women to play with, and then he got jealous and demanded I end it. My husband had a problem with alcohol. When he drank he became a stupid raving ass, and he'd made such a complete fool of himself at so many play parties that no women would go near him anymore. It was because of his own stupidity that he ran out of partners and then demanded that I give up my Dom so that we were "equal." He said if I wanted a Dom so bad then he could do it. No, he could not. He tried, but it was laughable, horrible, painful (to watch, not in the literal sense) and less pleasant than finger nails on a chalk board. Then he decided that he wanted me to be a switch, which I am SO not, but I went along with it, if only for the socially accepted pretense for beating the ever-loving shit outta him. We kept spiraling down until we crashed and burned into a fiery explosion of bad. If we had both had the sense to cut our losses, we could have remained friends at least, but now we can't even stand each other. Trust me, if it's you against mom, you're not going to win that one. Move on before things get ugly.

MissBathsheba -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (7/22/2009 5:39:36 AM)
It is possible that he is still submissive. He is submitting to his mother. He may be trying to be dominant to please her. I consider myself submissive but I will and have done things that are more dominant in nature in order to please someone. I wouldn't want to be more dominant frquently and I suspect if this is the case with him he will eventually become miserable over it. Unfortunately since it's his mother it makes it really hard to literally leave the relationship. I hope you can work it out, it sounds like you really care about him deeply.

petmonkey -> RE: Got your Dom hat on? (7/22/2009 8:13:00 AM)
i recommend couple's therapy. Here's hoping Y/you're relationship returns to being about You and him; not You, him and his Mother.

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