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Maso grows Sado - 6/30/2009 2:46:45 PM

RobertSmits

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Joined: 7/8/2008
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'vning to all.

I was questioning myself whether it's a "slave or colleague" (grin) question - and landed here.

Sixteen (Yes, it CAN last) years ago I met my girlfriend who was a cute, plain girl of 33 with simple thoughts and simple moods - largely based on masochism. (No, not to be unfriendly, just concise)
Although she never had done something with it we were having something halfway between ssc and rack within weeks.
Talking about fairy's and lamps, she was sometimes really high on pain.
(Developed in her 15's as she had a short period of automutilation then(borderline))
However all went well (=controllable, but definately the brakes more frequently used than the gas), she finished her school (with 20 years delay) got a better job en moved in to me.
Wonderfull years, not even a hint of a problem and we grew very close.

Untill - Two years ago she got really ill and had to undergo some high-risk operations.
All together it took some months of her life (and mine too - I knew what was going on)
and an even longer time of revalidation. (mostly by me, I was in the medical profession once and my home .. castle)

Brings us to the present, she has fully recovered, is working again and should be fine (apart from scars from throat to pubis, but that was never an issue for her (e.g. branding)) ---
Alas she isn't.
"she lost ALL respect as she came home and instead of kicking her around the house for being unusable so long (yaya, with 48 stitches) I lifted her to the bed and switched the bandages"
(It took three weeks for her to walk again a few paces)

So that's the situation, she does everything to please me but in a routine, uninterested way.
(No she doesn't want to leave me, she acts on love and grattitude - notnotnot respect)
Strange detail: After the induced menopause (operations) the only times I saw enthousiasm was when she was acting sadistic to another girlfriend of ours - Completely new to me, I knew her only passive.
For contrast, pain to my girlfriend makes her very aggressive nowadays.

I'm afraid we could cultivate hatred in time so for better understanding:
The questions:
Anyone saw masochism flip to sadism hormone-induced before or should I search in the brain ?
To mend my broken ego: Anybody kicked out of his/her throne and regained it ?

Thanks for the efforts, Robert.

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RE: Maso grows Sado - 6/30/2009 3:02:01 PM

Aylee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RobertSmits

Anyone saw masochism flip to sadism hormone-induced before or should I search in the brain ?

Yep. If you want more information, feel free to email me.

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RE: Maso grows Sado - 6/30/2009 5:07:25 PM

dreamerdreaming

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Your style of writing annoys much, OP. Please make more of an effort to express yourself clearly. Help us out, here. Thank you, in advance.

My thoughts are as follows:

Her hormones took a dive, (due to her age, and/or the surgery) and with them went her sex drive. That's no surprise, but it can be surprising how closely tied a woman's submission is, to her sex drive. Typically we tend to think of that as much more of a male problem, here. We get a lot of complaints here (even from the guys themselves) that their urge to submit disappears after they've shot their wad. But a woman's urge to submit (or to control, or dominate) can definitely drop off due to hormonal changes. I know whereof I speak.

Changing from sub/slave to dom/owner can be a natural progression. We all grow and change, if we're doing this (life) right. Its nice when partners grow together, not apart. But it doesn't always work that way, of course. If changing from sub to dom is a part of her growth process, and self-actualization... Then your paths may diverge.

She may not fit your needs anymore, just as you may not fit hers. Pouting and complaining about it won't help. Talking to her about it will.

Hormone replacement therapy has fallen out of favor due to the risks, but there are other ways she can get her libido back if she wants to. But she may be pefectly happy with this new version of herself. If so, then respect that. Change is good. The crux of the problem may be that she has evolved, and you haven't.

I'm not trying to be harsh, OP- just blunt. With the limited information you've provided, that's all I've got for now.

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RE: Maso grows Sado - 7/1/2009 1:45:40 AM

aldompdx

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People change. Communicate, or get a counselor to facilitate communication. Learn to master yourself, and accept how she has changed. Master adaptation, and you will earn respect.

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RE: Maso grows Sado - 7/1/2009 4:13:26 AM

RobertSmits

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To dreamerdreamer:
Thanks for the part about sexdrive and for the rest: Please bear in mind English is not my native language. (grin, but do feel free to be blunt :-) )

To aldompdx:
Concerning "master adaptation" - I am very adaptive when I understand the reason.

To all: Thanks for taking the effort to write a reply.

Additional information:
As to the fact that I see a submissive as a gift and a large responsibillity I would make the same "mistakes" again in the same situation.
We communicate a lot but some answers just don't make sense to me, "if you want respect than disrespect me" is fine - but not in lifethreathening situations as they occurred.
I just try to figure out the mechanism of what could have happened,
I would be equally astonished if a sub respected me in many ways but not as dominant anymore because I pulled her out of a river instead of letting her drown.
Based on that knowledge I can figure out what's best for her (she earns it after 16 years of service) and me.

I'm not complaining, I try to understand !!

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RE: Maso grows Sado - 7/1/2009 6:33:22 AM

allthatjaz

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I get the impression that you really are tying to understand this and at this moment in time your at a bit of a cross roads (can be a very lonely place).

I think from what you say, part of her surgery was a radical hysterectomy or at least included the removal of her ovaries? If so then she was plunged into surgical menopause.
My mum went through this and I remember that for at least 2 to 3 years after she suffered from volatile emotions and rages, was constantly exhausted and confided in me that she had very little libido. She was not able to take ERT because it was cancer.

I agree with what someone else said here, that sexual urgency comes mainly from the mind and right now it sounds like her mind is not in that place due to both lack of hormones and probably not feeling confident about herself. She is however, trying to find another sexual outlet (which has to be good) and so she is not hormone frigid.
If Dominating someone feels good to her right now then I feel you should respect and perhaps even encourage her. Its giving her that feel good feeling which she once had from submitting and your support in this may help her regain her confidence.

Its a long term relationship and it sounds like your both doing a lot of communicating. Just be patient and understand that this wasn't just a big operation she had to recover from. She had the equivalent of a castration.

There are two victims in this and your one of them. Everyone is there to help the female in this sort of situation and often the male partner is left feeling bewildered and rejected. I'm pretty sure there must be some self help groups for men that are going through the same as you.

I wish you both all the best

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RE: Maso grows Sado - 7/1/2009 11:11:13 AM

RobertSmits

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The medical part:
After a blockade of the intestines it was found that the tractus digestivus contained several dozens of (benignal) growths reaching from just behind the stomach to the anus.
After recovering of the initial (lifesaving) operation these were removed in several following operations by resection (colon, 20 cm) or individual scalpeling.
In one an ovarie was sacrified but furthermore all "feminine parts" including the nerves are intact. Excellent surgeon to my humble opinion. Apparently the other ovarie was'nt up to the job so indeed it induced menopause within two months.

The practical part:
We're definately to close to split up so we made the following agreements:
- No S/M activities for the time being
- D/S remains as it is (she says it gives her confidence, b.t.w. D/S was never the problem, she just nowadays feels the need to strangle me if I use a clip or a whip on her instead of enjoying it like in times of the past)
- No involving of third parties in erotics
In three months we evaluate our feelings and if we both feel up to it we will start with S/M again with her in various roles. We will find a modus vivendi somehow. (She thinks: Second in command is most likely, time will tell)

For relaxation: We go sailing in a few weeks for a few weeks, one boat, just us.

Thanks to everyone who took the effort to reply,
esp. Aylee and allthatjaz who gave positive stimuli to our decisive process.

End-of-thread as far as we're concerned.

Best to you all,
Robert.

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