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new to this and needing pointers - 7/1/2009 8:40:08 PM

wnt2plsnuse

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first of all i'm new to bdsm. i've always have had an interest but never pursued it. i have a boyfriend (who is the sub)who has also been interested in it for a while but hasn't really done much about it. we have talked and both want to learn more and have fun. Sometimes he seems so into it and other times he wants nothing to do with it. how do you know if hes not in the mood or testing the dom. not sure how much to push and when to let it be. does anyone have any pointers for a newbes

< Message edited by wnt2plsnuse -- 7/1/2009 9:11:43 PM >

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RE: new to this and needing pointers - 7/2/2009 8:26:31 AM

Andalusite

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Hmm, a lot of the "is he interested" part tends to be pretty obvious with most guys.

Not just physically, but what they say, how they focus on me, and so forth. If he's not interested at the moment, usually it's pretty easy to get him in the mood. I'm not sure how much of what you're trying to get into is service oriented, or physical S/M or bondage play, and so forth. It sounds like he has some mixed feelings about his BDSM interests, and that is coming out in the way he responds to you. Of course, talking things over with him is a good idea, and there are some fantastic books that can give you some ideas of things to do, and more understanding of D/s headspace, but a lot of it is very customised to the couple (or more people, if they're involved with each other).

(in reply to wnt2plsnuse)

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RE: new to this and needing pointers - 7/2/2009 9:17:09 AM

OttersSwim

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Welcome to the forums! If you are both interested, but that interest is sporadic, it might help to get involved in your local community - go to munches, find your local club, etc. Getting more involved will give you the experiences and knowledge to decide if it is something you both want to pursue, or if it is a passing fancy.

Ya'know, if we had a sticky topic on "New to BDSM?", it would address this just fine and we could point you to it. But now we have to write it all out again or be lazy and just tell you to use the search function.

...i'm jus's sayin'...

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I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

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RE: new to this and needing pointers - 7/2/2009 11:46:53 AM

peachgirl

Posts: 396
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my favorite bit of advice for newbies is to read the book, "The Loving Dominant". great info there for both sides of the kneel.

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Have you seen that girl in the corner?
I'd like to take her out of her chains
Cause if I had my way with you baby
I would be changing your life today.
- Bob Welch

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RE: new to this and needing pointers - 7/2/2009 4:16:59 PM

DarkSteven

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It's okay if you only Domme him when he wants it. But it isn't going to resonate with most of the Dommes here, who Domme when they want it.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: new to this and needing pointers - 7/2/2009 4:30:20 PM

LadySweetOrSour

Posts: 1415
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*Agrees with Steven*

There are so many ways of being involved under the umbrella term BDSM. It can be anywhere between a casual, sexual kink and full 24/7 TPE (total power exchange). There can be pain involved or not. It may not be sexual at all for both parties. Do you like the idea of public play or not? Etc., etc. It's impossible to say where you are as a couple and only you know that.

Personally, and as a dominant woman, I would term a sub who is only into it when he's in the mood as a "do me" sub, which is not what I want at all. I am the dominant, not he. I call the shots, not him. I don't care about him being in the mood if I am in the mood.

Good advice has been given. Find out as much as you can by reading the various threads by dominants and submissives, read books, meet others where you can, discuss your feelings and his with each other, try new things and you will find out where you want to be.

Like anything, D/s is something learned over time and the learning never ends, from either side. There is no fast track to knowing what we want, but it should be fun finding out

.

Good luck and enjoy the journey!!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

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RE: new to this and needing pointers - 7/2/2009 5:56:38 PM

LovingMistress45

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Have a weekend where he agrees to be submissive whether or not he is into at the moment. Then be dominant, have him do things for you not just in a sexual context but in a service context. Set rules for the weekend for him. After the weekend is over talk about it, how it was for both you, how he felt about submitting to your desires even when he wasn't in the mood. There are lots of types of BDSM relationships, the 2 of you will have to define for your relationship what the parameters are.

Good luck and have fun!

(in reply to LadySweetOrSour)

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RE: new to this and needing pointers - 7/2/2009 6:06:35 PM

MistressEllen444

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You do not say how long you two have been together. I would suggest that you always honor your relationship first, many have found that that is the most difficult piece of the puzzle to find. Like anything in life, we always want more, better, faster but once you get it, few are satisfied and the cycle begins again. Taking your time and finding your way that is comfortable for both of you will bring you closer, I hope.
There are no hard and fast rules. Communication is key as is a sense of playfullness and adventure and the ability to realize when something just does not work. The almost unlimited menu of bdsm should keep you busy for a very long time.
I wish you great success in all aspects of your relationship.

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RE: new to this and needing pointers - 7/3/2009 12:46:20 PM

LdyWintershade

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I agree with Steve, as well. Though I must say, I have known many friends who have the same issue and they have developed little signals to indicate interest, including 'in-words' as well as 'out-words'. They, too, are very active in local community activities which help generate play.
Good luck.

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RE: new to this and needing pointers - 7/3/2009 12:51:05 PM

slavekal

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Your guy may need to take some good advice himself. He can't ask you to be his Mistress, then shut you down when he is not in a horny mood. When he doesn't feel like it, he needs to fake it 'til he can make it. He is supposed to be catering to you, not the other way around.

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RE: new to this and needing pointers - 7/3/2009 7:56:47 PM

sweetsub1957

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slavekal is right. That's how it is with my Sir.....He likes for me to want it, but what matters is does He want it.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

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