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RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 7:50:11 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I feel that when I am addressed as "Shithead" that that shows a lack of respect. Darn near anything else is just fine.

Omg...add me to coffee snorting group.
Seriously...as WestBaySlave said you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I've heard from both groups, the ones that want to hear Sir from the start and the ones who don't. Personally I use Sir/Maam as polite term of address in general society if I don't know someone. I do not use Sir as a term of address to a Dom that I am not involved with. He isn't MY Dom and isn't accorded the respect reserved for that position.

You'd be surprised though at how many Doms out there want to be called Sir from the get go- you may want to rethink your position a bit from the standpoint that subs calling you Sir right away have been bitched at so much for not doing it that they just take the safe road.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 21

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 8:24:35 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
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I use "Sir" as a respectful title with my Master sometimes, but otherwise, I usually only use it as "hey whats-your-face" when trying to address a stranger, or when appropriate at historical reenactments.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 22

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 10:05:33 AM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
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so... i guess... calling you "Master" in the gorean fashion would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay out

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Post #: 23

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 11:19:14 AM

AlchemicMelody

Posts: 35
Joined: 6/21/2009
From: North Carolina
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I say Sir and Ma'm out of respect. It was also how I was raised and I don't plan to change. To me it's a way of being polite and not offending to people.

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Post #: 24

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 11:29:08 AM

flogger

Posts: 186
Joined: 6/27/2004
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For my music CD I use the name RobertSir just cuz life is short and I live D/s 24//7 even tho alone. I like to be called Sir, it shows respect.

(in reply to AlchemicMelody)

Post #: 25

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 11:52:49 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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If they have no experience, except for chat rooms then of course they'll call all dominants Sir or Ma'am.
If their experience was with someone who was highly protocol driven, they'll still call all dominants Sir or Ma'am.

Tell them you prefer to be approached as equals until you enter into a power relationship. Ask them why their default is to call strange people by titles of respect. But you're assuming things that may not be true.

And yes, if they come from certain areas of the country, they will call anyone else they don't know Sir or Ma'am.

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Post #: 26

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 1:27:01 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Esinn

I am new(er) here. I have strong personal opinions about things that I will share. On occasion I am open to being wrong.

Respect is something which I demonstrate through actions I am worthy to have. Knowing things are done just for me or the select group the she feels are worthy is one of the things I 'get off on.' Call it an ego trip knowing I am that good. More so it is knowing she let me in. I am called sir or kneeled before on request because I deserve it.

When a sub addresses me as sir off the bat I view it as a 'weakness'. I see it as a red-flag or 'con-artist'(sometimes). Reminds me of a child who calls everyone sir/ma'am because it is socially acceptable. They might not understand why they do it. In the office co-workers who call managers "MR/MRS" shocks me. Regardless of my title at work I have a name.

If I have not yet requested it yet or this is how I am initially addressed it seems fake. If this is how she addresses everyone when used appropriately it looses power - no?

Do I need to change this way of thinking?

*No disrespect implied and I do not have in mind play parties, play partners or situations where roles might be 'predetermined'

well i think everyone is entitled to their opinions. however, when we draw wide generalizations such as these we leave little room for exceptions or experiences that don't fit into the little boxes we've created. having said this, i will openly admit that i always address all parties as sir or ma'am. it doesn't matter if i'm speaking to a dominant or a submissive. it has everything to do with the way i was raised and the manner we were expected to address adults. it is merely something that has stayed with me and has nothing to do with the honorific stuff found in some leather circles.

if i encounter someone like yourself and they feel comfortable being addressed by their first name they usually say so. what is unacceptable is being judged or reprimanded in some instances for behavior they neither understand nor took the time to discuss before making an assumption. on the other hand i view behavior such as that as an indication of the level of maturity that person will have and a snapshot of sorts on how he would conduct himself in a relationship. needless to say their antics are very unappealing and i'm generally happy i know sooner than later. as with all things, to each his own. just keep in mind you might disqualify the very one you're seeking with your mindset.

porcelaine

< Message edited by porcelaine -- 7/3/2009 1:28:23 PM >

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Post #: 27

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 3:16:45 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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A person approaching you for the first time likely has no idea what you prefer and may err on the side of caution and use an honorific. In my dominant profile, I state clearly that I do NOT want to be addressed in such a way and to just use my screename when contacting me. Now if a submissive approaches me with an honorific, I will look at the profile and see if perhaps it is reflexive due to previous training, but for the most part it just means that people did not read my profile. Not reading my profile and following the very simple instructions in it I DO find disrespectful.

If you have not made this clear in your profile (sorry, not much of a profile perver, especially lately

), then I don't see that you really have any basis to be upset. Just gently correct them in the first message or so and offer them a means of address you are comfortable with. I don't think it has to be some extreme issue.

I personally will not use much in the way of titles myself when addressing a dominant, both because I think those titles are earned and because at least at some level I feel like a cohort because of my switch side. I may be petitioning to interact in a submissive position, but I am not THEIR submissive... at least not yet. Honestly, I think mostly it is people trying to be careful and courteous rather than trying to offend you.

I had one dominant refuse to let me call him anything other than his name for a very long time. He allowed me to make the determination when I was ready, but I had to ask permission to use the title I desired. He wanted the opportunity to evaluate if HE felt HE had earned the privelege of being called by that title. There are a lot of ways to handle this that do not mean excluding people right off the top.

I shared a couple of possible ways of dealing with this and I am sure you could come up with others that would suit you well. Please just don't mistake common courtesy for anything other than what it is.

lovingpet

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 28

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 5:18:44 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
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I work on the phone, and I call the most ignorant bastards sir/ma'am, because it is common courtesy when you don't know the person. As to what a sub calls me, to be honest I really don't care, not part of my kink really.

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Post #: 29

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 5:39:59 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

I call older generations sir. I was taught that it was polite. I don't call him that because we don't have that kind of dynamic and I would most likely laugh if I had to. He would laugh at it too.

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Post #: 30

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 5:46:11 PM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

I find it seriously hard to utter the word 'sir' without bursting out laughing - perhaps it's a cultural thing (I wasn't brought up in the United States). In any event, it doesn't work for me. At all.

Unless, of course, there is the tip of a riding crop slowly carressing my rump: in which case I just might stop laughing and say the word and mean it

.

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(in reply to Esinn)

Post #: 31

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 5:48:24 PM

silvermuse

Posts: 259
Joined: 6/8/2007
Status: offline

For work I'll use Sir/Ma'am when I don't know the person's name then it's Mr. or Mrs. or first name depending on the situation.

Just as I'll use Sir/Ma'am when someone holds a door for me. I did the same in England - and no, I didn't get strange looks, Miss was also used if the woman was young/lacking a wedding band.

But within D/s, I don't use it unless I'm bottoming to the person I'm addressing.

It's purely personal choice and personal comfort levels.

muse

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(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 32

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 6:15:05 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekerof
I teach my children to say "Sir" or Ma'am" to all unfamiliar adults. I am thrilled if you do not. Some day your child and mine might be up for the same job......

My father's a retired CEO. People who came in going yes Sir, no Sir he viewed as bootlickers, not someone he could trust to tell him if there was a problem. He preferred people who came in saying "How do you do, Mr X".

My kids are taught to call people by their names, Mr or Mrs or Ms Smith, but not to be servile.

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(in reply to seekerof)

Post #: 33

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 7:34:45 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I feel that when I am addressed as "Shithead" that that shows a lack of respect. Darn near anything else is just fine.

hahaha ~waves at Shithead~

In all seriousness, when I first started on collarme, I called all Dom/mes Sir or Ma'am as the case may be, complete with D/s capitalization rules, out of respect. I don't get that much mail now since I'm seeking Friends Only but, when I do, I go by names. Maybe that's because I don't call my friends Sir or Ma'am.

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Post #: 34

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 7:48:26 PM

alphamaleslil1

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/29/2009
Status: offline

In a work setting I'll use sir or miss as I deem appropriate. When I first met my Dom and he told me that "as Doms we are all Sirs" i made it clear that while I won't be disrepectful to a Dom. I'm not calling someone Sir just because he calls himself Dom. I now call him Sir or his name or Master or Daddy... anyway just as I don't submit to but ONE Dom, I will only call ONE Sir. Unless of course He told me to call someone in particular Sir.

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Post #: 35

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 8:59:33 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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In bdsm parlance, it pisses me off if someone uses an honourific toward me and they've not earned it.
I do not consider it a sign of respect but rather an individual taking liberties.
Davan

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(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 36

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/3/2009 9:14:24 PM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

The only place Fox and I call others Sir and Maam is at work, we are both in sales and customer service. ASide from that, it is however you have been introduced to us. We will use screen names until we have real ones.

I was taught that Sir/Maam are courteous. Courtesy has nothing to do with respect of someone else, just in appearances of civility. I can be perfectly courteous to someone I think is a complete moron. Why? Its courteous and I know I am putting myself in a better position by doing so. Will it annoy some? Sure, flatter others, im sure as well.

The only part of your thinking I would change is the assumptions. Sir is not always a sign of weakness. If you dont like it, then correct someone. Its a bigger sign of weakness not to have the ability to correct someone to address you as you would prefer then to hold it against them that they were trained differently than you like.

DV

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Post #: 37

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/4/2009 1:24:16 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: silvermuse

For work I'll use Sir/Ma'am when I don't know the person's name then it's Mr. or Mrs. or first name depending on the situation.

Just as I'll use Sir/Ma'am when someone holds a door for me. I did the same in England - and no, I didn't get strange looks, Miss was also used if the woman was young/lacking a wedding band.

But within D/s, I don't use it unless I'm bottoming to the person I'm addressing.

It's purely personal choice and personal comfort levels.

muse

Well I'm not sure what part of the UK your in but I have never in my entire life been called Ma'am by the vanilla world and I have never in my life used the word Ma'am in the vanilla world. I have used Sir within a working environment but only to a high ranking director. The only genuine Sir in the UK though is a Knight of the British realm, someone who has truly earned his title.
If I was in the US then I would do as expected, just as I would if I lived in Rome but I will use the normal way of address whilst I'm in the UK :)

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Post #: 38

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/4/2009 1:49:48 AM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Esinn
When a sub addresses me as sir off the bat I view it as a 'weakness'. I see it as a red-flag or 'con-artist'(sometimes). Reminds me of a child who calls everyone sir/ma'am because it is socially acceptable. They might not understand why they do it.

I also dislike being called "sir" by a sub I'm not in a relationship, but I feel you're being unfair here.

And the quoted paragraph actually illustrates why for me. They're doing it because it's "socially acceptable". In other words, it's simply an attempt to be polite, no more or less.

If somebody addresses me as "sir" on here, I'll gently correct them, but I recognise it's entirely well-meaning. I'm not going to take against someone for not knowing my personal preferences before they mail me.

I will admit to having a stronger adverse reaction to being called "master" by someone I don't know. But that's mostly because I'm very clear about the fact I'm not a master and I'm not looking for a slave and/or TPE.

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(in reply to Esinn)

Post #: 39

RE: Addressing Me As Sir - 7/4/2009 6:06:48 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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I started chatting with a woman a couple years ago. She's from the south, and is in the military. She called me "Sir" and I asked her not to because we weren't in a relationship, but she couldn't stop because it was such a habit to her, in nilla life, not just D/s. Her solution was that she started calling me "NotaSir," as in, "Good morning, NotaSir, how did you sleep?" or, "Yes sir, NotaSir."

I thought this was hilarious, and touching. I'm sure it would have pissed some guys off. It seems to me that if she's trying her best to respect you, that's worth a lot more than a woman who can perform every kajira slavepose, yet hates your guts.

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(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 40

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