Danibelle
Posts: 94
Joined: 11/24/2008
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So I've encountered a rather large problem and am looking for some advice.
I've been with my boyfriend for six years, we've been living together for two, and we've been in an open relationship for a little over three years. I'm quite committed to him and I don't want to end things but unless I can figure out another way I may have to.
Here's the situation:
We WERE in an open relationship where the outside contact was really just for casual play partners. That was our original intention. That's not how if looks now, but that's not the problem. Right now we are much closer to a three, moving toward a four, person poly relationship. He has me. We are not D/s though incorporate BDSM into our bedroom play. We've discussed more of a D/s dynamic, but haven't committed to anything right now. He has a play partner he's been seeing for a few years. We'll call her B. The two of them have a mostly set D/s relationship and she considers him to be her primary D-type and, sometimes, her primary relationship. There were times when he saw her behind my back but it started out in the open and it's out in the open now.
We also have another friend, N. The boyfriend and N also started out as casual play partners. I don't see them as that much more than that, but she's becoming a big part of all our lives. The boyfriend and I play with N together and we have been for months. On rare occasions, I've played with N without him. He's also been with her without me. We may like to share, but not ALL the time. To complicate things a bit, N and B also play together. So even if N isn't with ALL of us, a week never goes by that she isn't with ONE of us. This has caused her to have a bigger impact in everyone's lives than I think the boyfriend and B intended.
I don't like B. For various reasons. We're civil, but we're not friends. I won't go to an event if she is there and she won't go if I'm there. We find it best to avoid each other. Since we're both on pretty good terms with N, N is often invited along with one couple or another.
I like N. I really do. I think she's great. I think she adds a calmness to our relationship while also exciting it. She has a new, mostly vanilla boyfriend and he's also really great and open minded. I really enjoy the time I spend with her and I value the time she spends with the boyfriend.
That being said, B is NOT happy. B switches and has several partners she plays with at events and clubs. When she goes out, her night is usually booked. A couple of months ago, B was planning on going to a party thrown by mutual friends of hers and the boyfriend at a club in our area. Since the boyfriend originally wasn't sure if he was going to go, she made plans. She was helping the hostess and host of the party for half the night and then had the rest of her night blocked off to play with a few friends. N was also planning on going. She didn't have plans with anyone and asked the boyfriend to go with her. Eventually, I got my work schedule and found I would be working that night and the next morning so I asked him if he wanted to go out since I didn't think it was fair he would have to stay at home on a Saturday night alone. So he tells N, yes, he'll go with her. He also tells B that he will be going but doesn't expect any time as he knew she was busy the whole night.
Well B did not handle it very well. She informed him that she either wanted him to go and play with NO ONE or he had to make time to play with her. Well, most of us know how demands like that are received by dominant partners. He told her no. She had plans so he made plans. He also told her never to make a demand like that ESPECIALLY since he would NEVER ask that of her. They fought almost all day long but he was not budging. And he didn't really have any reason to. Their mutual friend, who they both look up to as a mentor, not so politely told them to stop acting like children or they could take their fight elsewhere. She wanted no big scene at her party. They made up to the point of civility for the sake of everyone else they had dragged in. When he arrived at the party, he went right over to her, gave her a kiss hello, and asked her how her night was going. She proceeded to run into the corner and cry.
The next day found them fighting and everyone pissed off at the two of them. I told him he would either have to make an effort to patch things up with her or he would have to end things. Either way I made it clear I wanted no more drama. When he fights with her, it puts him in a shitty mood. I don't want to live with someone in a shitty mood all the time. And they're really hard to have fun with too. It wasn't an ultimatum. It was me cautioning him because I love him. I said the same as any great friend. "This isn't working. Fix it, or move on." I didn't think I was out of line. He didn't think so. N was just upset she caused a fight. Everyone patched things up with each other and all appeared well.
This weekend is TES Fest, a fetish convention in NJ. N happens to live very close to the hotel so the boyfriend stayed with her at her house. B roomed with a good friend of hers and had her roomie before they decided to go. I wanted to go, but really thought spending a weekend around B would drive one or both of us absolutely insane and ruin pretty much all of our playtime. Besides, I like hanging out in the backyard barbequing for the 4th.
N and I have gotten a lot closer over the past few months. We compliment each other well and value our time spent together. We talk, or at least send a quick "have a great day" text everyday. B is jealous. She's jealous of my relationship with N. She's jealous of the boyfriend's relationship with N. She's jealous of my relationship with the boyfriend. It used to be she would just piss me off. Then she pissed him off and now she's pissing N off.
Their first night at TES Fest, B cried because she didn't want the boyfriend to leave and go to N's house even though that had been the plan for a while. She also canceled most of her plans with other people to spend more time with N and the boyfriend. N called me yesterday, she's having a horrible time. I spoke to the boyfriend yesterday, but sometimes he's a stupid boy and can't even see things for what they are.
Something has to change. That's it. I cannot go on like this anymore and I shouldn't have to. So I need a bit of help. I don't want to come accross like I simply want him all to myself. I don't want to come accross like I'm isuing an ultimatum because I'm jealous. I see B as the cause of almost all the drama in our lives and I would happily make this foursome into a threesome. So I've tried to plan out all my options.
B and I have spoken about our problems in the past, I could go directly to her and explain how I feel to her. That may make it seem less threatening, but it also may make it worse since we're not close and really just tolerate each other.
I could talk to the boyfriend. Find out what his perception of the weekend was and tell him mine and voice my concerns. While this is the least threatening, it may also be the least effective option.
I know N's feelings. I could ask her to talk to him with me. It may make it seem like we were ganging up on him. That's the risk in that, but there are benefits as well. She calms us both and has the most impartial view on things.
The four of us could get together and talk, but I think B would see that as us ganging up on her and force her into more of a defensive screaming mode.
I know I need to voice my feelings somehow. And I'm not sure if this CAN be fixed. What I think would be best is for B and the boyfriend to AT LEAST take a break and if necessary, end things completely. I see her as a negative influence in all of our lives and I think, in the end, we would all be happier without her.
If things don't go my way, and he refuses to stop seeing her, I will have to leave. This is just causing me too much drama and heartache and I've had enough. I don't like seeing the people I care about hurting. Especially not over someone I don't even like. For me, that is the last possible option. It's not something I want to do and it's not something I would look forward to doing. It also would only solve my own problems, no one else's.
So if those were your options, who would you talk to? How would you approach things to allow them the best possible results?
Also, happy 4th of July everyone!
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"To love another person is to see the face of God."
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