Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the impact on D/s dynamics

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the impact on D/s dynamics

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Health and Safety >> Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the impact on D/s dynamics

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the impact... - 7/9/2009 9:59:42 AM

ownedslavesweet

Posts: 23
Joined: 10/7/2007
From: Canberra, Australia
Status: offline

Greetings to all of you who have taken the time to read this. Please forgive its slightly rambling and long winded nature, but I truly do need help and advice.

A bit of background: I met my Master nearly three years ago on World of Warcraft, and became collared to Him relatively soon after. We are currently surviving in a very long distance relationship (Him in the UK, myself Australia) where we travel back and forward when possible to each other, until relocation is possible. It is the most perfect relationship I could have ever wished for, in both the vanilla and D/s senses, and I am more and more thrilled every day.

However, since the last time I was physically together with my Master I have developed some serious health issues (medication resistant lupus, possible crohn's disease, plus a likely benign but very large and uncomfortable liver tumor that is too dangerous to remove) which has necessitated months in hospital, operations, a huge amount of testing, so many doctors and so so many medications.

This is in direct contrast to last year when we were together - I was happy, active, jogging 3-4 mornings a week, working two jobs and studying full time. Now I am virtually non functional and can barely walk - am about to get a wheelchair soon due to progressive muscle inflammation and auto-immune arthritis. I am actually kind of ok with this, when it is is just me. However, in only five days my beloved Master lands in this country, and is staying for several months. It changes how I deal with my illness mentally a LOT.

I know there are quite a few slaves and subs out there with illness and disability, and I have been trawling through old threads. How do you and your D types manage medical issues? Dominants out there, how do you treat Your subs medical restrictions? I already know I will find the unforgiving physical restrictions on my servitude mentally agonising. How do I say "I can't do that at the moment I am so so sorry" to Him without feeling like a failure, or worse, topping from the bottom? I know I must communicate my pain and distress to Him so He is able to make the best decisions for both of us, but it will feel like complaining and will get me down too as I much prefer to not overthink the situation.

I also have the worry that my weakness and sickness will turn Him off sexually, or that He will feel He has to always be gentle. Do any Doms out there find they have this problem to work around? I worry that even though He knows every particular of my medical situation, when He finally sees me, He will be shocked/appalled/worried. He is so caring and loving of His property, and has told me that my fears and worries are crazy etc.... But, how do I say "no, I can't"?? I am in danger of ignoring my disability and attempting to serve in my normal way, thereby making things worse. The constant medical worries keep us in the vanilla world more than I would like, which again feels like I am letting Him down every day I cannot live up to His original expectations. I am young, 27, but it is now like Master is suddenly the owner of a heavily medicated 80 year old. So far I have not responded to medication at all and all the signs are worsening. So this will be a lifelong issue, even if the doctors finally beat it (!) into remission before it goes too far.

Accepting that I have a serious illness and that it will restrict what I can and cannot do is possible. Accepting that it will make me less than the slave Master wished for is truly harrowing. And what is worse is He loves and treasures his property so much I doubt He will ever reproach me.... but I feel so much doubt in myself and my ability to please...We are looking for a sub for casual play while He is over here, which would help me a lot mentally I think. I am most anxious that He feels fulfilled.

Any constructive thoughts on mental frameworks for myself, ways to talk to my Master about these issues, ways of submissively telling Him when I hurt and am too exhausted....? Positive self talk for myself, mantras and meditation, ways to ask for help in dealing with the mental side from my Master?

On a different level, should I be worried specifically about pain based scenes, considering I am on multiple immunosupressants and cannot heal well, and am often sedated or at least on heavy pain killers? Might my responses to pain not be proportionate to the damage inflicted, and the play would become more risky? Even wanting pain scenes when I am in so much daily pain seems twisted... -.- Any input from those who deal with these issues too would be good.

I am desperate, as always, to fulfill my Master's dominant and sadistic needs, but fear it will not be possible in the ways it was before.

This has been very long and rambling, and that was after I cut huge chunks out... but thank you for reading if you got all the way through, it ended up a bit of a marathon.

lyss

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/9/2009 10:49:54 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

I am so very sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if he adores you and i bet he is as nervous as you are. Try to relax and take it slow.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to ownedslavesweet)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/9/2009 1:19:20 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

(Gentle hug)

I too, am very sorry you are going through all of this. It's quite overwhelming and of course you will go through all the thoughts, fears and feelings that you have shared here and maybe more. But... please try to breath and think about a couple of things. Your dominant knows all the facts. Yes, living with them can be different but you are afraid of the worst and are missing what might actually be happening.

What is happening is that your dominant knows all and doesn't consider what he knows to change things. Please focus on that or you could work yourself into a flare up. Time will tell all and I will hope that your illness and whatever limitations you may have will have no effect upon the love and devotion between the two of you!

Try not to project as hard as it is not to and let him visit you and see what happens. This worry and torment of his precious submissive isn't going to please him although he may understand it. I am sure he doesn't want you worried and making yourself sick over it.

Personally I know these issues as I am ill, but I am a dominant, but it still doesn't change a lot of things. These are real concerns and I don't mean to belittle them. I only hope you will hold off on the worry and see what happens when your dominant is there and you can look one another in the eye. I feel there is so much given in just an expression and no amount of service could provide me! Sometimes we take joy in what is in the heart and what is seen in the hunger to please us rather than a service you could provide. There are good days and bad and you can find many ways to please your dominant. Give time and this visit a chance to manifest in something beautiful rather than start it out with the fears of what could happen. Keep reminding yourself that he is coming because he wants to and he is aware of it all. Be kind to yourself.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to sirsholly)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/9/2009 3:51:34 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

I am switch, but primarily submissive. I am still in that icky don't know what all is going on stage, but some of the things that have come up are serious, chronic, and life altering. I can very much sympathize with what you are going through. It is hard watching a life you once knew deteriorate before your very eyes. It is hard to accept yourself and your limitations, much less expect anyone else to. It is frustrating, depressing, and scary. Believe me, I know.

Good dominants are funny creatures and I absolutely love them for it! They want all you have to give, but don't expect you to give what you don't have. They find being able to admit to and be helped in weakness to require so much strength. Caring, nurturing, and protection come naturally to them and those qualities being quite literally needed only feeds their desires and drives even more. Beauty has nothing to do with your appearance. Ability has nothing to do with being able bodies. And competence is demonstrated through effort, perseverance, and desire. They just look at things a little bit differently. It is refreshing and carries me on days when I am having a hard time accepting myself. Try looking at yourself through his wonderful eyes.

Everything in life has risks. I would caution you about dwelling too much on the negative given your specific concerns. Some of the conditions you listed frequently have brain chemistry and nutritional deficiencies involved that lead to depression symptoms. Plus you have a whole life of adjustments to deal with. It is hard. Just don't overlook the bright spot in your darkness.

Gentle hugs,
lovingpet

(in reply to Lockit)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/9/2009 6:55:02 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I am dealing with the same situation from the other angle - my dom has a life threatening medical illness, which limits him in what he wants to do on a day to day basis. Some are good days, some are no-so-good days.

Yes there are limits on what we do together - and sometimes, I miss the play on bad days, but , he is still the man and the dom I met and fell in love with. Nothing has changed for us mentally, just amended physically.

Give him a chance to work around your problems. Give him the benefit of the doubt, that he may well love and respect you as much as you love and respect him. You need to allow him to be as much of a great person as you sound. If he can't deal with your health issues, then better to know about it sooner than later.

One thing you NEED to do, is talk to your doctors!!!!! You need to share with them that you like your sex rough, and see if there are any precautions or things you don't need to do. The two of you should do nothing that hasn't been cleared by the doctors. Yes it may be embarasssing to say , but they need to know, and they need to have imput.

The other thing i find is that dominance and submission is more mental than physical, and while scening is fun, and satisfying, it isn't necessary for a very intimate relationship.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/9/2009 7:17:25 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

First, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's tough.

A good dominant, IMO, wants very much to know his submissive, so there should be no problem in being able to let him know when you're too ill to do something. You approach it the right way, also... with humility, and respect for him (and for yourself).

And, IMO, a good dominant will find ways for you to serve him, and please him. Could be things that you and he haven't even thought of yet. But give him a chance to find value in you, and give yourself a chance to be a prize for him-- have some faith in the relationship.

quote:

On a different level, should I be worried specifically about pain based scenes, considering I am on multiple immunosupressants and cannot heal well, and am often sedated or at least on heavy pain killers? Might my responses to pain not be proportionate to the damage inflicted, and the play would become more risky?

Be careful here, if not worried. The things you mentioned are not to be taken lightly, by either of you.

Good luck, young lady.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to ownedslavesweet)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/9/2009 10:04:21 PM

cagliostro

Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

The first thing I'd say is definitely DO NOT ignore your problems. I can't speak for him, but I know if a sub ever lets me harm her because of something I didn't know I get really f*cking pissed. I suspect yours will be upset if you let him harm you. Trying too hard is definitely a bad thing. I know it can be frustrating but limits are limits. You seem to care, and if he does it's very likely he'll feel the same way I do.

About pain play, yes you definitely want to be very informed. Even meds you don't think would be relevant can be. Sometimes meds exaggerate bleeding, or plenty of other things. Read the side effects list. I scar really badly as a result of meds I take. It is a concern. If you're on pain killers you need to know how the painkillers work. There are a lot of different kinds, that work in different ways. Some can exaggerate bleeding, or deaden different kinds of sensation.

Remember, you can only be as much as you can be. Be that, and if it still doesn't work out, you have done as much as you can. Doing too much or too little is a mistake. :)

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/10/2009 3:58:12 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

with humility, and respect for him (and for yourself).

I am not a Dom/me, but if i was i would expect my sub to have enough respect for herself to voice her needs, limits etc. I would also hope she had the trust in me to be honest....

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/10/2009 4:03:58 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

Ageed, holly.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to sirsholly)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/10/2009 8:00:24 AM

ownedslavesweet

Posts: 23
Joined: 10/7/2007
From: Canberra, Australia
Status: offline

Thank you all for your very considered responses, I'll just reply in one post instead of labourious quoting with forum software I am not used to yet....

sirsholly, I believe He does adore me, and I totally adore Him right back. He has been so so very good to me during all of this, I could have never asked for a better partner, no matter the lifestyle in question. And yes I do trust Him completely, and will dutifully voice my problems... He has in fact read this now so everything is completely in the open, as it should be.

Lockit, I am truly sorry you must go through illness also. I am trying hard not to worry, I am having to relearn what I can and can't do and have triggered several flares due to overdoing it, really the tests are showing my lupus isn't controlled at all yet... so I know the danger in getting too stressed over things. You are right to point out that I should let the visit be beautiful rather than starting on a worried and negative footing.

lovingpet, yes, it is truly scary to see your life deteriorating before your eyes. It terrifies me that if I can fall this far in 9 months, where will I be in another 9. I hope your health issues can be at least managed and controlled. My Master is definitely a good dominant, and as you pointed out he will want only what I have to give and will nuture me through the rest. I suppose it is more that I will struggle with being able to give less than I used to, however if I continue to please my Master then it may be a nonissue.

kiwisub, omg my doctor!!!! I could never speak to them about it, especially not the fancy specialists who it feels have your life in their hands. I am so sorry you have to watch your dom have his bad days, I think I would possibly struggle with that more than actually living through it myself. You are also very right that the mental is just as important, if not more, than the physical. But even the little things, like bringing Him a nice drink or something, will be hard. It hurts that something is going to be restricting my ability to serve, although not my desire.

Level, my Master has always been good at reading me and I think if I am at all reluctant to tell Him of new or changing pain and discomfort He will likely sus it out anyway. But yes, I will have to find ways of speaking to Him about it with humility and respect, and always keeping Him informed. I find it hard to vocalise my discomforts so I think this will be a good challenge for me and may increase my own acceptance. Thank you for the good luck wishes....

Cagliostro, you are right to caution me about medication side effects and indeed I will re-read them all. I am on an almighty cocktail of opioids, anti-inflams, steroids, muscle relaxants, immunosupressants and more, which I now seem to be quite used to as they no longer seem to effect me mentally. I think I am bruising more easily though, and the number of meds I am on increase the likelihood of unknown interactions... which could do anything really. Because of your post I plan to read a bit more about how the painkillers I take actually work and how it could effect things. Thank you.

Thank you to those who read this, and replied or sent me mail on the other side. Much much appreciated, athough I think I still have a lot of work to do on this mentally. The most important thing is in an airport in four and a half days there will be a very very happy woman with an equally happy man reunited after a full 11 months (may it never be as long again!!!!)... the medical stuff and its impact will be dealt with in its own time I suppose.

Thanks again.
lyss

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/10/2009 12:17:42 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

lyss,

You will find in time some ways to balance things, will think you have it down and then learn a new lesson in it all! It sure is frustrating at times, but you will find some balance in it all. What I can do one day will knock my ass out another day and this has been going on for years. But as you learn your illness and no matter what it is, you will be similar and different than others with the same illness and at different times. It is easier to flow with it and not fight it. That is a tough one to get down, believe me! lol

I do hope that you both have a wonderful time bonding even more and enjoying one another!

A friend asked me once... Lockit, if you found someone who loved you enough to deal with it all and treated you well, you would have to love him just for that wouldn't you? My answer was yes and no. If I could love him in any way... I would love him even more for being willing to deal with what I had going on and surely would appreciate him far more because of it! It takes a big person to love no matter what and many don't love that way, so those that do... amazing creatures they are!

Have fun with your visit!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to ownedslavesweet)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: Serious medical conditions, and dealing with the im... - 7/11/2009 1:48:15 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

kiwisub, omg my doctor!!!! I could never speak to them about it, especially not the fancy specialists who it feels have your life in their hands.

oss - you HAVE to talk to your doctors!!!!! How can they treat you effectively if you don't talk to them and be honest! I work for these fancy specialist doctors, and they too put their pants on one leg at a time. You are putting them in a position of dominance that they haven't earned or even may want - and because of your non-communication you are putting yourself and your health at risk.

You need to look at a doctor as being on the level of the local plumber or electrician- you pay them for a service.They aren't god-like. They aren't even superior or better than you - they are just more educated, and maybe more intelligent. That doesn't make them your superior.

You go in with a list of questions, you ask them and you get answers. This is your continued health we are talking about. YOU need to be in charge of it, and not rely on a doctor to always have your best interests at heart. You also can't let embarassment dictate what you talk to a doctor about.
Quit being apathetic and take charge of your health!!!!

As for having your life in their hands ...... even if they disagree with your lifestyle choices, they aren't going to allow you to harm yourself or their own reputations by letting you harm yourself or die because of withheld information. If doctors allowed people die that they disagreed with then the worlds gay/christian/hebrew/lesbian/HIV/hepatitis/mentally ill/women/male/old/young/smoking/alcoholic/fat/skinny/bulemic/addictive/deformed/genetic abnormal/shortsighted communities would be a lot smaller.

If you are worried that they will look down on you - well, they might. And that is going to affect you how? Their treatment of you won't change. They might not smile at you, they might not ask you how the family is - and I think you can live with that. But they will treat you to the best of their ability - its part of the hypocratic oath that they swore when they finished doctor school.

< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 7/11/2009 1:50:01 PM >

(in reply to ownedslavesweet)

Profile

Post #: 12