quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

What I have heard of often across the orientation board is that some tops and doms start to feel like they can't do SM or other things once romantic love begins. I've sat with several tops who have been left because that isn't what their former bottom/sub signed up for when they stopped being able to do SM any more because 'they loved them too much'.

I always told these folks that they need to do some serious reflection about what they think SM is and why they do it if they are finding it incompatible with love or even just really liking someone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


Femdoms, have you ever honestly LIKED a man too much, so that you could not share your sadistic desires with him because of that affection for him (but you could gladly and happily hurt someone else)?

You know the cliche about when a vanilla woman says to a guy who wants a relationship with her, "Oh I like you too much for that, I don't want to ruin our friendship" -- or variations of that phrase -- the cliche being it's just a cop out way of her saying she isn't attracted to him that way....(whether or not it's ever true or not) -- is the femdom version of this the phrase, "I like you too much to hurt you, let's just be friends" -- meaning, she just doesn't have the guts to say, "I am not attracted to you but I like to hang out" (or, the more cruel version, "I don't like you that way but I like the gifts you give me.")

I can't say I have ever liked a man too much to not hurt him.  Bondage, S&M and all that stuff are tied into affeciton/lust for me. But is this true for others?

Any femdoms ever honestly find themselves unable to hurt/torment/do S&M with a guy because they cared too much for him?

Akasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadameMarque

...I want to add, you're touching on the well-worn question, is the sadist-masochist relationship a hostile one, as it so appears to be?

To that, I, personally, would say, the desire of the other to be understood by me as their counterpart and to be treated certain ways, pulls at my corresponding desire to take them and go deep.  I observe that for a person with masochistic urges, to be without someone who understands and wants them, even wants to prey upon them, from the sadistic side, is genuine suffering. 

quote:


I see two different questions.  One is, whether telling someone, 'I like you too much to hurt you,' is basically saying, 'I don't like you that way.'  I don't consider 'I don't like you that way' to be an evasive answer; it could be quite true.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missykink

I found that I really hesitated with my partner at 1st because most of my previous play partners had been just that and I did'nt have feelings for them like I do with him.  I found it hard to get myself comfortable with it at first but once it started its just got better and better.  It's because I love him so much that I can do the things I do to him and not worry.

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ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

What I have heard of often across the orientation board is that some tops and doms start to feel like they can't do SM or other things once romantic love begins. I've sat with several tops who have been left because that isn't what their former bottom/sub signed up for when they stopped being able to do SM any more because 'they loved them too much'.

I always told these folks that they need to do some serious reflection about what they think SM is and why they do it if they are finding it incompatible with love or even just really liking someone.

I find it hard to understand that people can completely separate and leave SM outside a relationship, though I can understand that certain things are not for each and every relationship, because the dynamic might be different. There's stuff I have done with previous partners because it felt right, then with another person it wouldn't feel right. Just like I might have enjoyed some vanilla activity with one bf, with another one I prefer something else. A lot depends on the chemistry 2 people have, a good relationship is not just one person getting out what they want, it's both getting fulfillment and a hell lot of compromises.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadameMarque

...I want to add, you're touching on the well-worn question, is the sadist-masochist relationship a hostile one, as it so appears to be?

To that, I, personally, would say, the desire of the other to be understood by me as their counterpart and to be treated certain ways, pulls at my corresponding desire to take them and go deep.  I observe that for a person with masochistic urges, to be without someone who understands and wants them, even wants to prey upon them, from the sadistic side, is genuine suffering. 

quote:

Sadly the terms overlap in common usage and thus a lot of confusion is born.