RE: Parents of special needs kids

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sirsholly -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (8/31/2009 9:39:58 AM)
the LoudOne has what i have begun to call "The Mask". A bit of a blank expression...not his usual normal expressive toddler face.

Rainfire -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (8/31/2009 10:06:50 AM)
YES!!! That's it!! Good description of it..... [sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif] (cmail, btw, holls)

calamitysandra -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (8/31/2009 12:46:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rainfire [&o] So do any of you other parents just have those days when from the get-go that your young'un is just in a "mood" and it's going to be one of "THOSE" days? [sm=sigh.gif] Does not take a special needs kid for that one. In fact, does not take a kid at all around here. [;)]

DesFIP -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (8/31/2009 3:59:04 PM)
Rain, is it possible that she was smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol or using medications either legal or illegal while carrying?

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/1/2009 8:38:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Rain, is it possible that she was smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol or using medications either legal or illegal while carrying? Cigarette lead to low birth weight, alcohol to fetal alcohol syndrome. Not Autism. You can blame genetics or bad environment to a small extent(though Lumas ha always been the dad, so I doubt it), but please dont blame the mother.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/1/2009 8:43:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: Another thing with Munch is that he does not see danger. Officially over here, it is called ‘lack of cause and consequence perception’ and is evidently a very familiar and regular trait of those with several of the Autistic Spectrum disorders. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I disagree that treating a child with a disease harshly is appropriate. Would you treat a diabetic harshly if they couldn't stabilize their blood sugar? Same here. Get them the right medical help and therapy. Keep encouraging them to succeed while trying different things to help them to succeed. But punishing them for having an illness is not ever acceptable. i also have an issue with the term "harsh" but feel i understand what StrictHarsh meant. It is so easy to slip into the mindset of "special needs, not responsible for his behavior, etc" and that is the worst thing that we can do. What alerted us to the LoudOnes issues, among other things, was the danger he consistently put himself in. Whereas Jim and i must do all we possibly can to keep him safe, his behavior must have consequences and sheeeeesh...the guilt involved with that can drive you crazy!! He does not recognize the danger and sees nothing wrong with what he is doing, then here comes mean old mom, swift with removal from the danger and a time-out if it is the second time it occurred. One thing ALL children need is rules, guidelines and consistency. WIthout it they tend to lash out because believe it or not they want you to care enough to set limits. The autistic child needs even more consistency and explanation of what is expected of them ahead of time and rewards via hugs for good behavior and consequences for bad behavior.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/1/2009 8:46:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rainfire Yes, his eyes are red-rimmed like he had a lousy night's sleep, the colour of his face looks almost pallid or just not right, and there's just this tone in his voice, a belligerence and negativity that I can tell within seconds that it's one of those days. Like today... Now he's off to RhinoRumps - I'm sure we'll hear that everything is JUST FINE, because that dumbass stoopid cow won't admit anything to us, too afraid of how it would make HER look. [>:] I thank those red-rimmed eyes. When my son was little there was a signal that nap time needed to happen now!!!

Rainfire -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/1/2009 11:12:30 AM)
[sm=dunno.gif] But Lushy, Mr. Smarties WAKES up with those eyes, even after a full night's sleep. It's hard to tell him he needs a nap right after he's woken up. On a bright note, if anyone hasn't caught it in the H&P thread or the I Love It When thread, we found out today we were able to get him back in his old school (it was full but they took him anyway) and that he has his old teacher back. Plus, he qualified for the full-day program! We are so thrilled we're dancing with joy here! [;)]

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/1/2009 11:19:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rainfire [sm=dunno.gif] But Lushy, Mr. Smarties WAKES up with those eyes, even after a full night's sleep. It's hard to tell him he needs a nap right after he's woken up. On a bright note, if anyone hasn't caught it in the H&P thread or the I Love It When thread, we found out today we were able to get him back in his old school (it was full but they took him anyway) and that he has his old teacher back. Plus, he qualified for the full-day program! We are so thrilled we're dancing with joy here! [;)] Dont have experience with that! What to do when they wake up tired???? With my son its been either tired or hasnt eaten enough food. WIth the medicine he takes he has to have a full stomach or he gets hostile and emotional. So if he is given his medicine on an empty stomach and he has no appetite all hell breaks loose.

DesFIP -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/1/2009 1:07:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 One thing ALL children need is rules, guidelines and consistency. WIthout it they tend to lash out because believe it or not they want you to care enough to set limits. The autistic child needs even more consistency and explanation of what is expected of them ahead of time and rewards via hugs for good behavior and consequences for bad behavior. No experience with an autistic child but my bipolar one also needed consistency. What she didn't need was to be blamed for something she could not control. Telling her she wasn't able to do something, behave appropriately so we wouldn't do it then, but later when she felt better was fine. Telling her that she was at fault for doing something she didn't want to do, hated doing it, and was terrified of was not right. George Orwell wrote about his experience with bedwetting at school in England. How he was told he was sinful for doing something he didn't know he was doing and couldn't stop doing, and was beaten for it. There's no logic to punishing a person for something they don't even want to do. And although I don't usually blame the mother, I've heard Rain talk about the biomom enough to know it is quite possible there are other underlying issues not yet diagnosed. Since so much stuff doesn't really manifest until puberty or is simply hard to determine at such a young age. The only link I've seen for autism is age of the father at conception.

StrictHarshB -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/1/2009 3:29:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: Another thing with Munch is that he does not see danger. Officially over here, it is called ‘lack of cause and consequence perception’ and is evidently a very familiar and regular trait of those with several of the Autistic Spectrum disorders. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I disagree that treating a child with a disease harshly is appropriate. Would you treat a diabetic harshly if they couldn't stabilize their blood sugar? Same here. Get them the right medical help and therapy. Keep encouraging them to succeed while trying different things to help them to succeed. But punishing them for having an illness is not ever acceptable. i also have an issue with the term "harsh" but feel i understand what StrictHarsh meant. It is so easy to slip into the mindset of "special needs, not responsible for his behavior, etc" and that is the worst thing that we can do. One thing ALL children need is rules, guidelines and consistency. WIthout it they tend to lash out because believe it or not they want you to care enough to set limits. The autistic child needs even more consistency and explanation of what is expected of them ahead of time and rewards via hugs for good behavior and consequences for bad behavior. I do not treat Munch, nor was I suggesting treating any child harshly, BECAUSE of their illness or disability, and to answer DesFIP, I would not be strict and cross with a diabetic if they couldn't stabilize their blood sugar, not at all, I would be loving and caring and as helpful as I possibly could be. But once stabilised, if I found the cause of the blood sugar instability or problem to be of that persons own doing, in full or reasonable knowledge of the likely consequence, then that's when I would be cross and as I call it 'harsh'. Munch is on the medication he needs and he has had lots of different counselling and therapy, including some family therapy which has helped him and the rest of us a lot. He continues to get extra support and help, this will remain the case for at least the next 4 years, possibly more. His mum and I have battled tirelessly hard to explore every avenue and utilise every possible different type and amount of help that we can get for him and those of us closest to him. I totally agree with and echo every word of what luscious said. All I would add to it is that the consequences need to be much more immediate, acute and unpleasant for an ADHD child than for other children without it. I am saying this from my own experiences, I have 3 kids of my own, only Munch has any problems, and I have lived with other kids, one of whom has a more complex range of learning disabilities. The 'much more acute and unpleasant' is what I meant when using the word harsh. I think of it as being cruel to be kind and Munch, as he is now, is a good example of it having paid off. If an ADHD child steps out of line now, correct them now, and if necessary punish now, it's no use doing it when you get back to the car or get home, if it happens now, deal with it now - very firmly, then for most things, just move on and forget about it. I don't care if it's in the middle of the store or in a crowded street, I don't care what anyone else thinks, I'll do what I know is best for my child because I love my child so much I want to do and be the best for him that I possibly ever can be and stuff what anyone else thinks. Two other things that I've also read somewhere in these posts that will help tremendously..... 1 - Routine - changes are very difficult, especially for younger ADHD children. 2 - Advance notice - discuss and talk to your child about everything that they are going to be doing, especially important for any changes to their routine. An example - if Munch's teacher was off sick his school had big problems with him that day, but, if he and we knew a day or two beforehand that his teacher was going to be away for a course or something, he wouldn't be as good as most days, but nothing like as bad as if he didn't know beforehand. A couple of tricks that helped with the school was - if his regular teacher was off, have the same regular stand in teacher, or, for an odd day or two, maybe allow him to go to another class with a teacher he knew and liked / got on well with. During his 1 hour lunch break, after he had his food, let him help the dinner hall staff to clear away - give him worth, let him feel he is being useful / helpful, most ADHD kids love that.

DesFIP -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/1/2009 5:23:10 PM)
Mine has multiple mood disorders, the most severe being bipolar II mixed states ultra high cycling which means she goes from rage to suicidal every five minutes. After that is severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The stuff we don't bother to treat is the ADHD, the oppositional defiance, sensory integration disorder and a bunch of other stuff. But since being harsh with her would cause the anxiety to flare up, thus causing her to feel worthless and suicidal, it was something I quickly discarded. I mainly took her out of situations she could not handle. Home schooled one year, small schools with lots of individualized attention where the heads of school knew from day one that I would always take her home if she had a bad day. And there were lots of them. Emotionally she is just about now where she ought to be, but at 16 only had the emotional maturity of a ten or twelve year old. More importantly despite at diagnosis being told no child with this had ever graduated high school nor lived past age 20, she is now in a prestigious college proposing to get a PhD. She competes nationally in her sport although was told that Special Olympics would be beyond her. Harshness would never have served, protection until she could handle something worked much better. At 15 it is important if your emotional abilities are those of someone five years younger. At 40 it won't.

StrictHarshB -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/1/2009 5:48:11 PM)
Clearly, when there are such a variety of different difficulties, each individual will have their own certain things and ways that will and will not work. With Munch, ADHD is the main/prime difficulty with some extra mild Autistic symptoms, so I can only comment / advise on what I believe is the best way for children whose main or prime difficulty is suspected or confirmed ADHD. Well done to you and her for achieving what she has done. There always has to be one that defies all the odds and expectations.

DesFIP -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/1/2009 5:59:05 PM)
We got lucky in that a year or so after diagnosis, an effective medication came on the market. Between that, a superb therapist and a therapeutic riding horse she made it. Plus me doing more for her than most experts have ever seen a parent do. A couple of different experts in the field have called me the best child advocate they've ever seen. I will say though that having animals can produce enormous benefits. A dog doesn't care if you threw your books on the floor and a meltdown in the grocery store, it doesn't hold grudges and is always happy to cuddle with you. And a horse will teach you things no person can. Horse number one could tell when she could tell him what to do and when he had to do it for her. And he wouldn't do it for her if he felt she was able to do it. He pushed her to do just the limit of her ability and not further. We retired him to a therepeutic riding academy where he bonded with a girl with schizo-effective disorder, the first time anyone had seen her bond with anyone and he did wonders with her also. Plus he was a great 4H horse. We always have easy going adult dogs, not puppies. Labs and golden retrievers and quarter horses with really forgiving temperments. People, even parents, will get upset and hold a grudge for a while. The animals never did.

sirsholly -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/2/2009 4:11:50 AM)
quote: Emotionally she is just about now where she ought to be, but at 16 only had the emotional maturity of a ten or twelve year old. More importantly despite at diagnosis being told no child with this had ever graduated high school nor lived past age 20, she is now in a prestigious college proposing to get a PhD. She competes nationally in her sport although was told that Special Olympics would be beyond her. Way to go Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!![:)][:)][:)][:)][:)]

sirsholly -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/2/2009 4:27:16 AM)
quote: The 'much more acute and unpleasant' is what I meant when using the word harsh. I think of it as being cruel to be kind and Munch, as he is now, is a good example of it having paid off. If an ADHD child steps out of line now, correct them now, and if necessary punish now, it's no use doing it when you get back to the car or get home, if it happens now, deal with it now - very firmly, then for most things, just move on and forget about it. I don't care if it's in the middle of the store or in a crowded street, I don't care what anyone else thinks, I'll do what I know is best for my child because I love my child so much I want to do and be the best for him that I possibly ever can be and stuff what anyone else thinks. Whereas the repercussions to the LoudOnes behaviors are far from harsh (generally a time out, or removal of a privilege/treat) i completely agree that the consequenses to the behavior must be immediate. "Wait till you get home..." is useless with a special needs child. And lemme tell ya how much of a pain in the butt it can be!! Telling him, in the middle of the grocery store, that his behavior has just negated the promised trip to McDonalds will result in tears, screams and sometimes a trip to the car for a sit-down until he calms himself. It means stares, rude comments from others, pissed off store managers who think you are leaving a full shopping cart, etc. It means Mom does not get the cup of McDonalds coffee she really wants, etc. Every child is different. As with Celestes daughter, the LoudOne would not respond well to "harsh" treatment. He is never left alone for a time out, and sometimes they are given with him sitting on my lap with my arms around him (time-outs here are to calm down more than anything else) and are always followed by a hug, kiss and cuddle after the discussion. I am not sure if it is a trait with special needs kids, but the LO is extremly tuned in to the feelings/emotions of others. If i allow myself to become angry or frustrated, he will pick up on this and his behavior will worsen. The hard part is controling my own emotions.

MsFlutter -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/2/2009 9:36:23 AM)
I just found this --> Children With Autism Use Alternative Keyboard website for the device: http://www.keybowl.com/

StrictHarshB -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/2/2009 11:02:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly I am not sure if it is a trait with special needs kids, but the LO is extremly tuned in to the feelings/emotions of others. If i allow myself to become angry or frustrated, he will pick up on this and his behavior will worsen. The hard part is controling my own emotions. ADHD children are known to be sensitive in themselves, but, as far as I'm aware, not to others feelings more so than any other child. I think it is far more it is a trait of all kids who are very emotionally and mentally close to their parents. Most special needs kids come into that group, but it's not exclusively them. If a child learns from a young age to read the smallest of signals that signify a particular mood/feeling, or change, then they become good at reading others who they have regular close contact with such as other family and teachers. To me, that's a sign of excellent parenting, because the parent(s) have, from a young age, allowed the child to get sooo emotionally close. I realise that naturally all young children love their parents - it's part of our natural survival makeup, but not all children and parents build such an intense mental and emotional bond. For all their best efforts and best intentions, parents who work all day and have young (3 months - 3 years) children looked after by child minders, nurseries or other family members have a harder time building that bond. Munch's mum and I basically worked opposite hours so he always had one or the other of us which allowed both of us to build a strong relationship with him.

gypsygrl -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/3/2009 5:38:00 AM)
Sir just alerted me to this thread this morning, so I'm joining in late. Yeah, my oldest (15 yrs) is multiply handicapped/severely disabled. I can't begin to describe the challenges as they are too numerous to count and listing them is depressing. What are simple things for most people are complicated endevors for him. And, thats on a good day. If he's having a bad day everything comes to a halt 'cause there's not a whole lot anyone can do with a pissed off spastic mess bent on telling the world to go to hell at the top of his lungs. Besides helping him work through it (which can take hours), talking with him, hugging him and letting him vent until he exhausts himself and the storm passes. I call these spells the "screaming meanies". Right now, he lives with his dad in another state, but had a melt down during during his last visit. Who knows what triggered it, but the fit was finally resolved when he declared "no more hats!" We had all been to a birthday party the night before and wore silly hats. Apparantly he needed to work through that, though he seemed to have lots of fun at the party and enjoyed the hats plenty. Things looked different to him the next day, as he lay screaming on the bed (he stiffens up when he's upset, and cant do anything but lay on his back trying to bite anything that comes within range of his gnashing teeth) ordering us never to wear hats again. He made one exception and this still cracks me up: Sir could wear a hat! A baseball hat! Because he was an idiot! Go figure. He's very fond of Sir and that somehow made it funnier. Because it was so random. I've been through a lot of ups and downs with both my kids. My 10 year old has adhd, diagnosed the minute he started school. We all knew it was coming, and were just waiting until he was old enough to start the medication. We started with adderal, which made him psychotic--I'll never forget him writhing on the floor screaming about the bugs crawling all over him--then switched to concerta, which was much more effective. The biggest thing was finding a dose low enough so that it wouldn't flatten his affect but high enough to make his behaviors tolerable. He scrores in the advanced range in all subjects on standardized testing and is in several advanced classes as well as the gifted and talanted program, though his actual grades can be mediocre. The biggest challenge here is his intelligence. He was about 5 when he asked where humans came from. I thought he was asking how babies are made, and as I started to explain, he said that wasn't what he meant. He wanted to know where humans came from, cause first there were dinosaurs, then there were humans, and how did we get from dinosaurs to humans. So, I tried to explain evolution, then told him to ask his teacher because thats why we pay taxes. lol I did tell his kindergarten teacher that she needed to dumb him down some, because he was just too smart. I tried single momming my kids for about 5 years then burned out. There's no prizes for mothers who devote themselves to their children full time, and I was just barely making it on public assistance, my son's social security and child support. That kind of poverty is like a hole, and the harder you try the deeper it gets until there's no getting out, and you become prey for bottom feeders. Something had to give, so my kids moved down with their dad while I get myself sorted out. The biggest thing I've learned through the years is acceptance. My kids are who they are and no one else--sometimes this means a lot of joy, sometimes it means a lot of struggle, but there's no point in fighting their basic is-ness. They are who they are. Its up to me, as their mother, to get used to it.

Rainfire -> RE: Parents of special needs kids (9/3/2009 10:40:22 AM)
"I tried single momming my kids for about 5 years then burned out. There's no prizes for mothers who devote themselves to their children full time, and I was just barely making it on public assistance, my son's social security and child support. That kind of poverty is like a hole, and the harder you try the deeper it gets until there's no getting out, and you become prey for bottom feeders. Something had to give, so my kids moved down with their dad while I get myself sorted out." And gypsygrl, that's one of the best and hardest decisions to make. I spent years in that hellhole, while still trying to run my business and take care of my youngest with PDD and ADHD. My deepest and heartfelt best to you for making the decision to get out of it. [sm=applause.gif] [sm=applause.gif] [sm=applause.gif] [sm=applause.gif] [sm=applause.gif] (and it greats that your guy get's along with your Sir!)

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