RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT

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RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/25/2009 7:16:48 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
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I try to tell others bad news by text message, as I'm leaving town.

Just kidding. As has been said, be as kind and as direct as possible, and just get it out.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 21

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/25/2009 8:17:29 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Direct and to the point. Got it. Do you usually know there's something up before it comes out? If so, are you accepting of delays in communicating what is going on? I would rather imagine, just as I do in every day life, that one look and I would likely know (provided we had been together for some time).

I almost always know when there is something wrong. Sometimes, delays are unavoidable, but I have no patience for making -excuses- to attempt to put off facing an uncomfortable discussion. As a general rule, I think that I would prefer to focus on my family, so if I see something is happening there, even if I have something that -might- have been important to take care of elsewhere, I will be worried first about my family, which will trash my overall productivity. If I'm out of the area when something happens and there is a delay in time before I'll get back (hours, not days), then don't tell me when I'm on the road, driving... but if I'm in a hotel somewhere else and something happens, and it would have been a couple of days before I'd go home, tell me, and let ME decide whether I will cut my trip short, because that is -my- decision to make.

Sometimes, though, the people in my life can sort their shit out without my knowledge or interference, and I hang with some people who prefer that modus operendi on occasion, so despite my need to control things, with those folks I direct that need elsewhere until they let me know that they've either got it sorted out or that they need me to step in.For the folks who handle things best if someone gives them direction, it usually works easier if they just get in there and say it, and putting it off isn't going to make it easier, even if you -think- you're putting it off for -my- benefit. Tell me as I'm leaving for work if it came up during the night. I'd rather know, and be able to make a decision about how I want to respond than not know and wonder, all day, whether it was my imagination or whether there really was something going on.

For the most part, our servants don't have the option of not letting us know that something is messed up -- it disturbs the household and, typically, their service suffers when they're in turmoil, so our general expectation is that they will speak up and let us know what is going on. Depending on the servant, we may accept "this is happening and I have it under control", or we may require a more comprehensive hand in resolution, but not saying something is -never- an option, especially for me, because yes, I -do- know when someone in my household is in turmoil, and, being the insatiably curious, chaotic person that I am, I have to know why or it distracts me from everything else in my day.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 22

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/25/2009 11:45:11 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

A lot of the time I can tell something is wrong. I just don't want bad news dropped on me right before my concentration has to be somewhere else. Do it at a time when I'll have time to process it right after. Otherwise, don't give me a big build-up. Just tell me, like ripping a band-aid off FAST. And if it's really bad news, hugs while I cry would be nice. But then, that's just me.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 23

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/25/2009 9:55:31 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

How would you want it done? How do you respond?

The same as I would any other news, honestly and immediately.

Just to give you some food for thought, let me share with you a personal story. Years ago I had a wonderful relationship with a young woman I was madly in love with. During our relationship we only ever had one real "fight"... only one moment when I became really angry with her. Want to guess what that was over?

I had not been feeling well, and I had received some mail from someone who had been annoying me. My gf saw this and thought maybe it wasn't a good time for me to see it and she talked to my mother about it who encouraged her to hide the letter until I felt better. Now she meant well in what she did... but you know what they say about good intentions. The letter ended up being forgotten until I accidently found it over a month later, and as it turned out there was something in that letter I had needed to deal with... but it was now a month too late... which caused me further problems and made the situation harder to deal with. I was not happy and a bit disappointed in her. I told her that although I knew she meant well, did she really have so little faith in my ability to deal with my own problems... just because I had a head cold at the time? She in turn became very upset with herself and I then had to deal with her kicking herself over it. We did make up afterwards and... well... let's just say we had fun making up

My mother on the other hand caught two barrell loads from me, one for meddling in something that wasn't her business and another for treating me like a child. She hasn't made that mistake since.

My point is this... if you care about and respect this person... are you showing that by hiding something from them? If it really is VERY bad news, then isn't it also important for them to know... moreso because it is very bad? Do you realize that if you hide things, no matter how good your intentions, you're also setting your judgement above theirs... in essence your implying they can't handle it?

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 24

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/25/2009 10:21:49 PM

Esinn

Posts: 886
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

I don't think I would drop something like this on someone when I knew they needed their head together for other things

Ah. I was wondering why you asked. Rule # 1, for anyone, must at all times be: do not think for someone else. It is disrespectful, and counterproductive. Leave everybody in charge of their own head, do not assume you know what is "better" for another.

Sometimes the best decisions people make are ones made for them. Some people have so much shit in their head your proposition seems dangerous.

-The only thing necessary for evil to flourish is to allow the evil to keep their idea's in their own head.

Actually Edmund Burke said:
"The only thing necessary for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing"

Seems like the same shit to me.

_____________________________

Let's break the law

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 25

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/26/2009 5:31:00 AM

TantricSpirit

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline

With feeling, consideration, respect and compassion. Sometimes all good things do come to an end when they are not mutually beneficial.
Sage

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 26

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/26/2009 7:31:05 AM

whiteslavebitch

Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

I try to tell others bad news by text message, as I'm leaving town.

Just kidding. As has been said, be as kind and as direct as possible, and just get it out.

I'm so glad I wasn't drinking my coffee as I read this

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 27

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/26/2009 8:45:31 AM

Thegentleman1

Posts: 6
Joined: 5/14/2009
Status: offline

First of all 'set the stage' Set them down and make sure they understand that the news is serious. You should have thought out how you are going to `present` this , possibility life changing news. Take everything into consideration. Do they take meds. that may need to be nearby. Have a backup plan. (emergency information) Think through different scenarios, know what you will do in different emergency situations ( Know the address you are at, in case an ambulance is needed) Then don`t mince words. Describe the situation as clearly and as accurately as possible. Do NOT put your own 'twist' into it. If you are the one to deliver this news, then understand your position. YOU are important in this persons life or you would not be the one delivering such news. After you have told all there is to tell, SHUT UP. Watch and listen for alarming signs. People may lash out in anger or the body may react with such news. Be there for support. Remember this is not a bad dream, this is something your friend will live with for the rest of their life.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 28

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/26/2009 8:57:37 AM

SoulPiercer

Posts: 374
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

One thing you can't do with Me. Don't tell Me that you have something that you want to talk about later. If it was important enough to bring up and it's serious, I'll know.

Thank you LP!

That drives me insane. Don't call me at work and say "We need to talk, but it can wait." If it can wait, don't call me 5 minutes after I get to work, forcing me to take the day off, because I can't go 9 hours wondering what the hell is going on.

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Do you have any idea how many bones you have left for me to break? - Batman

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 29

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/30/2009 9:55:48 PM

overfiend

Posts: 32
Joined: 7/8/2009
Status: offline

It has to be done at once! I only get crazy about secrets or delayed truths no matter how bad they are.

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Whether ye be live or dead I grind your bones to make my bread:)

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Post #: 30

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/30/2009 10:31:39 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

I always want the truth. Sometimes there is no easy way to say something. I can walk away mad, I can hit a wall, I can go outside and scream at the clouds but I've never was directly voilent to the other person. Whatever it is, my final response will be "We're done." or "We can get through this." That's the way it's always been with me.

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I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 31

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/31/2009 5:08:13 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for all the responses! I do my best to just give information rather that color it with my own perceptions. I'm not perfect at it, but I do my best. I am not one for delayed conversation. I try to not decide for another what they should and shouldn't know and when. A recent example though had me wait to bring up anything about an important matter since the person I had to talk to was on a 10 hour drive at the time. When we had a chance for a face to face chat, I discussed it as calmly as possible and did my best to just let the person have it out with the subject matter. I only offered my feelings after the other person calmed. Dealing with my own emotions is enough. I don't want to have deal with someone else's too when I am first hearing bad news. I try to reciporcate.

The right thing and the easy thing can NEVER be the same thing can they????

lovingpet

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 32

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/31/2009 5:19:00 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
I try to tell others bad news by text message, as I'm leaving town.

*laughs* OK, you started it.

I try to relay bad news by commanding my sub to do it for me as I'm leaving town.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 33

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/31/2009 6:39:36 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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That answer is so totally not going to earn you NZ points!!!!! LOL

Is that delegation?

lovingpet

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 34

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/31/2009 7:07:06 PM

fadedshadow

Posts: 751
Joined: 4/27/2009
From: a place
Status: offline

i would want it to be told to me in a straightforward manner and get it over with. that's also how i would give bad news

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your living nightmare

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 35

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/31/2009 8:39:24 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
That answer is so totally not going to earn you NZ points!!!!! LOL

*laughs* What? Not one of my smarter moments? OK, How about I command my slave to find another slave to to do it for me?

Maybe I better give up on winning any points on this thread *chuckles*.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 36

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/31/2009 8:45:00 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

NZ rewards smart answers, not smart assed ones LOL!!!!!

Anyway.......

If there is some finer points of handling delicate matters with a dominant, then there might be hope for you yet.

I'm being one of those mouthy subbies again aren't I? *hangs head in shame*

lovingpet

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 37

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/31/2009 8:49:08 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
I'm being one of those mouthy subbies again aren't I? *hangs head in shame*

*laughs out loud* That's OK. I'm frequently pretty stupid so a "mouthy sub" is sometimes necessary. I've noticed that while I may have some god-awful amount of IQ points, a fair number of them seem to be on vacation a lot of the time.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 38

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 7/31/2009 8:59:48 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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Humility... the hallmark of a good leader.....

I'm not sucking up Honest!

lovingpet

Oh, and I've done a great job derailing my own thread!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 39

RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT - 8/1/2009 1:05:48 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

Also, don't try to drag it out, don't soften the news with a long preamble designed to make the person feel a little better about what is coming. It doesn't, it just makes them more anxious...or terrrifed. Sometimes what one imagines while someone is trying to find the words to tell you something important is much worse than the actual news. Spare them that.

Totally agree. When I was told about my brain tumour the Doctor was very straightforward and gave me all the facts without any preamble. She then wrote out the details of what she had told me as she explained that it would take a bit of time for it to sink in. She was right, I had totally missed the part where she told me I had at best 6 months left. She then asked if I would like some time alone which is probably one of the best things for me. It gave me time to take things in and have a cry.

It would all have been much harder to take in if she had dressed it up with lots of cuddly stuff.

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 40

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