is this a control thing?

is this a control thing? (Full Version)

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serisa -> is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 8:18:19 AM)
Hello everyone My Dom/boyfriend seems to have this pull/push thing going on with the way he acts towards me. I am trying to understand why he does it?, is it some sort control game?. What usually happens is he does something big to upset me. I am upset and tell hm how i feel. I get no feedback but he is especially nice to me until i 'forgive' him. Then as soon as i 'forgive' him he seems to look for something to have a go at me about or does something else to upset me, but never before i 'forgive' him. I been with him for over three years now and it has been going on for so long i feel sure he does it on purpose. i have even asked him, but nothing changes. Does anyone understand this at all and is there any effective way i could try to respectfully turn it around and stop it happening. i feel its a very destructive and vicious circle. Thank you

lizi -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 9:00:42 AM)
Some people enjoy manipulating others and will do that to satisfy some emotional need that they have. Others are 'drama magnets' and enjoy having drama for drama's sake- if there is none around they usually manufacture some. I have a close family member that does both those things and from what I've observed from dealing with her and commiserating with others that have the same dynamic - it doesn't ever change. The person doing it needs it for some reason and generally has always done it, will continue to do it till they die. This seems to be difficult for you, it may be that after 3 years your bf isn't going to change. He doesn't seem to be able to talk about it even when requested to do so by you, so it may be something you'll either have to accept as part of him and therefore part of the relationship or you may have to consider leaving this relationship for something that is a better match for you.

Padriag -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 9:55:47 AM)
Its called passive-aggressive behavior. Its unhealthy. The one sure way to stop it is to go find somebody else. What you choose to do about it is up to you. I would suggest you confront him about this and see how he reacts. I'd also suggest you stop being so forgiving (which btw, if he's constantly seeking your forgiveness, that really puts you more in the dominant role and him submissive). If he won't change, then you need to decide what you are going to do about that... and your choices come down to either leaning to live with it, or leaving. Again, what you decide is up to you.

IrishMist -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 9:59:27 AM)
Have to pretty much agree with everythign Padriag said here. Either accept the behavior or walk away...the behavior itself is very unhealthy.

LaTigresse -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 10:48:57 AM)
You can also stop allowing him to upset you in the first place. Remove his power.

ranja -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 11:10:27 AM)
When you are upset you tell him how you feel... but you get no feedback... did you ask for reasons? or do you expect him to give you reasons because you are upset? Some men only repond to very precise questions and only if the questions are asked in a very non threathening way... certainly not when you are demanding an answer or just expecting some explanation... Can you talk about this cycle without you being upset at him? He might like to see you upset... it is a power to be able to wind somebody up... it is a good feeling to comfort the other eventhough the distress is caused by the person who does the comforting... can you cry for him in a game? can you beg for things from him sincerely but still only as a game? without any need for him to upset you for real first? Can you agree to something he can have a go about?

GeekFreak -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 1:41:07 PM)
I'm in agreement with the general messages being sent by most. All you can do is: Kindly let him know how this behavior makes you feel (seems you have), then if he changes great. If n ot, you can presumeably continue to remind him of your feelings until you're pretty certain it's not helping at all. If you get to that point, you either learn to accept it, or find someone else.

littlewonder -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 3:15:46 PM)
Walk away..sorry, it's the only solution. Either walk away from his push/pulls with you leaving him powerless or walk away from the relationship knowing you can't change others but only yourself.

SirMIkeSD -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 6:58:15 PM)
Don't walk run, until he want to get help and addresses this nothing is going to change. Mike

leadership527 -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 9:07:56 PM)
Yup, I'm going along with Padriag's answer also.

DavanKael -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/27/2009 11:49:52 PM)
Joining the chorus singing the praises of Padriag's answer. I will also add that I know some folks who have this sort of drama in their relationship; constant push and pull. They've been together oh, over 18 years and they're in their middle/latter 30's. It's not changed across that time and though they claim to hate it and that the drama doesn't 'do it' for them as it once did, they still do it. Same sh!t, different year. Davan

antipode -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/28/2009 4:26:22 PM)
quote: Then as soon as i 'forgive' him he seems to look for something to have a go at me about or does something else to upset me, but never before i 'forgive' him. I been with him for over three years now and it has been going on for so long i feel sure he does it on purpose. i have even asked him, but nothing changes. Nothing to do with D/s or BDSM. It is a personality trait. Get him in counseling or take a walk. People don't change unless they are motivated in themselves, won't happen because of anything you do or say.

maia09 -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/29/2009 9:00:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: serisa Hello everyone My Dom/boyfriend seems to have this pull/push thing going on with the way he acts towards me. I am trying to understand why he does it?, is it some sort control game?. What usually happens is he does something big to upset me. I am upset and tell hm how i feel. I get no feedback but he is especially nice to me until i 'forgive' him. Then as soon as i 'forgive' him he seems to look for something to have a go at me about or does something else to upset me, but never before i 'forgive' him. I been with him for over three years now and it has been going on for so long i feel sure he does it on purpose. i have even asked him, but nothing changes. Does anyone understand this at all and is there any effective way i could try to respectfully turn it around and stop it happening. i feel its a very destructive and vicious circle. Thank you my philosophy is ANY relationship whether vanilla, D/s, M/s T/b, whatever, works when BOTH or ALL parties feel a sense of fulfillment and joy a good percent of the time. When there is more frustration, anguish, confusion etc. than there is happiness then i say it's not working. You can't stop or turn around something you're not doing. All you can do is accept it or not. If you like the path you're on, keep on it. If not, try another path. But don't expect the path to change. Too often i get the impression that many think submissive means attempting to change ourselves to fit what makes us miserable. That's not what it's about at all. At least not for me.

IronBear -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/29/2009 9:50:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag Its called passive-aggressive behavior. Its unhealthy. The one sure way to stop it is to go find somebody else. What you choose to do about it is up to you. I would suggest you confront him about this and see how he reacts. I'd also suggest you stop being so forgiving (which btw, if he's constantly seeking your forgiveness, that really puts you more in the dominant role and him submissive). If he won't change, then you need to decide what you are going to do about that... and your choices come down to either leaning to live with it, or leaving. Again, what you decide is up to you. I couldn't have said it any better.

DesFIP -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/30/2009 9:31:15 AM)
Find an adult next time.

wineDineNtieMe -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/30/2009 5:41:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: serisa i feel its a very destructive and vicious circle. You are right

sweetsub1957 -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/30/2009 6:40:04 PM)
~Fast Reply~ He is engaging in very passive-agressive behavior. He needs to get counselling and, IMO, by continuing to take part in his behavior you are enabling it. So you need to ask yourself, do you want to continue on with a passive-agressive person or not?

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/31/2009 3:33:16 AM)
BULLSHIT on the pop-psychology "passive-aggressive" diagnosis... that stems from someone who is trying to retaliate, but can't do so directly, so they do it indirectly. That's different from the OPs situation. This is little more than the male equivalent of being a "Brat" that's often seen in the Daddy/little girl dynamic. This is merely the Mommy/little boy equivalent. As with any child who acts out, ignore them and they'll eventually learn they WON'T get the attention they're seeking.

sweetsub1957 -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/31/2009 11:24:32 AM)
Of course. She can ignore her Dominant and he will stop it eventually and hopefully grow up, or else it will end the relationship. Of course, does she really want to stay in a relationship with a brat anyway? He's the Dominant,she can't very well spank his ass. If it were me, I think I'd consider possibly moving on, but it's not.....and only she can really make the final decision, regardless of what any of us say.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: is this a control thing? (7/31/2009 12:08:21 PM)
Some clarity might be in order... the OP stated, "...he does something big to upset me." Some examples of what "he does" that are so "big" would be helpful to know.

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