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Termyn8or -> RE: a time line on love (7/29/2009 10:58:34 AM)
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I remember love. Never got her in the sack for some wierd reasons, but it was real. I mean to the point that when she was on her period I felt like shit. It took about a week to get there, but over time it got to the point where I could almost read her mind. I saw her socially for many years, but never put the moves on her, and in retrospect I think my sense of self preservation was kicking in.
I wanted so much more than a roll in the hay that it was scary. I wanted to take her away. Both leave our families, jobs and especially friends. She was quite popular, and temptation would always be there. If I could go back in time her and I might be in another state with a crop of kids.
It has never been so real since. I have never found that kind of empathy for anyone since. To this day if someone looked at her funny I might be prompted to action. She says call her anytime, but what would I say ? Describe a life we could've had ?
Over the years I found that she was not loose, I could've trusted her. So now for the last thirty years I have had regrets. So all I can say is go for it. If you feel it, do it. That might be the stupidest advice ever, but I have to let it stand. And there is no time frame.
And I do know the difference between love and lust. A Man in lust is thinking with his penis. This was different. Of course I wanted that, but I also wanted to caress her and be with her all the time. I wanted to see her pregnant and know that I was the guy who caused that. And she was healthy, we probably would've had great kids. Her intellect was good. Maybe not on par with mine, but good enough. We wouldn't raise any dummies. Our characteristics would be symbiotic, in retrospect, I think our offspring would have been an asset to the world.
The attraction was mutual, but I just wouldn't jump because I was actually afraid to. As I said I saw her socially for many years, and when I showed up with another Woman, she came out as a Lesbian a few months later. I have no idea what went through her mind, and whether this was a latent tendency that made me skiddish, or if her turning was an act of self preservation. (mentally)
Years later she changed her name and shacked up with another Woman, and I went over to visit and they were handcuffed together ! At that point I was thinking "Damn, now I know I missed out on something". I am not proud of this - it took alot of booze and drugs to get her out of my system. Ever see the Hank Williams story ?
At this point I say go for it if you feel it. You only live once. If it's not real, it ends, so what ? You most likely have some fun in the interim and we know everything ends badly. The hurt goes away in time. But that doesn't mean don't try, it might take getting a few years under your belt to know it is real, but there is one sure thing in life - if you don't try you are not going to succeed.
Perhaps I should've ripped her clothes off and took her on the couch, right there in front of Mom and the dog and who knows. Actually her Mom was really cool, if I had done this she would have simply finished steeping her tea and and watch TV or something. The dog may have barked but I helped train the dog so I would have nothing to worry about. How would my life differ ? The possibilities are staggering. And her earning power is equal to mine, we would have had a really good life.
I have never found anyone even close in the last thirty years, regret ? I could speak volumes about it. So go for it. The worst that can happen is that you kill each other. So what ? As a result of this course of events I feel as though I have never really been happy, nor satisfied. Sometimes I wonder why I went to the trouble of being born.
So go for it and fuck whether it is real or not. Carpe Diem.
T
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