RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect

RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/8/2009 8:56:34 AM)
That's part of the whole thing right there. Even in the beginning post, the OP specifically says that the wife is basically service topping him in this particular kink. She's primarily vanilla and doing it for him. Not especially that she has the drive that fulfills her in doing it, such as someone like MistressTaboo. Mrs bdsprit and MistressTaboo seem to Me to be people of two completely different mindsets. One of them is a Dominant personality who really enjoys this particular kink and the other is attempting to please someone else by service topping. How much she really enjoys it, understands it, or even gets a rush from we really can't say. From what I'm gathering from the sound of the OP, I'd say not much. From a Top's perspective, I can say how I react to kinks that I just plain aren't interested in. If something bores Me or it isn't doing anything for Me, there's going to be a much different reaction than those kinks that turn Me on. I'm not going to be nearly as enthusiastic. There's not going to be much Top energy coming from Me and I'm not going to have any zest for the play. If it's not turning Me on in some way, I'm not going to respond and project sexuality. If I'm indifferent, I'm not going to want to feed into an activity that is doing something for someone else. In vanilla terms, it's like laying there to have sex that you don't want, even though your partner is horny as hell. That's why I'm not seeing this as a discussion that is really based on chastity. It really is based on the service topping and why that isn't exactly working out fo the two of them. Solve that problem, where she really feels that it's a turn on for her and not just him, the rest will follow.

hardbodysub -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/8/2009 4:57:44 PM)
quote: Throughout this thread people have said you can put him in chastity only if you do x,y z. People? Which ones? That viewpoint seems to have been espoused primarily by a few whiny dommes.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/8/2009 5:00:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub quote: Throughout this thread people have said you can put him in chastity only if you do x,y z. People? Which ones? That viewpoint seems to have been espoused primarily by a few whiny dommes. Ok point out a male sub who has said that it is ok to put them in chastity then not do anything.

cloudboy -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/8/2009 5:53:37 PM)
Did you get the fact that they are married, or did that slip your attention? We are not talking about a "service top," we are talking about his wife with whom he's in a committed relationship. One of the things married people do is accommodate one another, and its part of what goes into staying married. The crowd here that seems to be advocating the dom, top, switch, or whatever you want to call her ---- can do anything she wants are simply beyond being stupid here. Maybe femdom relationships are "all about her," but marriages are all about each other. The OP has already said its an imperfect situation, and he just wants to tweak it so that it works better. He holds a reasonable position and asked a reasonable question. Its unfair to compare and contrast his situation with BDSM ideals and shoulds (what some seem to be doing....)

hardbodysub -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/8/2009 6:11:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub quote: Throughout this thread people have said you can put him in chastity only if you do x,y z. People? Which ones? That viewpoint seems to have been espoused primarily by a few whiny dommes. Ok point out a male sub who has said that it is ok to put them in chastity then not do anything. Irrelevant. They haven't been saying that you must do x,y,z. I don't have to point out anything else.

LadyPact -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/8/2009 6:56:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy Did you get the fact that they are married, or did that slip your attention? We are not talking about a "service top," we are talking about his wife with whom he's in a committed relationship. One of the things married people do is accommodate one another, and its part of what goes into staying married. The crowd here that seems to be advocating the dom, top, switch, or whatever you want to call her ---- can do anything she wants are simply beyond being stupid here. Maybe femdom relationships are "all about her," but marriages are all about each other. The OP has already said its an imperfect situation, and he just wants to tweak it so that it works better. He holds a reasonable position and asked a reasonable question. Its unfair to compare and contrast his situation with BDSM ideals and shoulds (what some seem to be doing....) Did you catch the fact that he literally calls her a service top four times in the original post? Just because she is his wife, doesn't change that descriptor. I know that you have enough knowledge to realize that not every vanilla wife is willing to even attempt what these folks are attempting. In vanilla relationships, some folks will try kink to please their partner and some are just outright disgusted and refuse. We've been through that in several rounds on these boards. While I agree with you that a vanilla marriage is about give and take, that's not always going to transfer into both people enjoying everything that the other one does. Heck, MP loves golf. Ask Me how many times I've been on a golf course in eight years? None. I don't care for it. You just can't force a person to like something that they don't. The same thing can be said for kink activities. If she's not getting a rush out of it, she's going to have a ho-hum approach to it, married or not.

cloudboy -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/8/2009 10:41:25 PM)
quote: The same thing can be said for kink activities. If she's not getting a rush out of it, she's going to have a ho-hum approach to it, married or not. That might be somewhat true, but many times partners can draw energy from each other and ride that. If some one is game enough to try an activity, then they'll probably be open to tweaking it. Although you make some valid points, it really strikes me as defeatist thinking given the task at hand. (Not that I'm Mr. Positive or Mr. Optimistic...)

LadyPact -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/8/2009 11:00:03 PM)
I'm not disagreeing with you. If the task at hand was going positively, it wouldn't have spawned the post. If you go back, one of the things that I said was this particular activity wasn't feeding her. Three weeks in chastity may be too much of a chunk in time for someone who's acting in a service top capacity. It might be better to start with three days and work their way up. I don't think I'd be doing six months vanilla at a time and six months kink at a time. That's just Me. Of all of the subjects that cross these boards, these are the types that make Me want to help the most. The only ones higher are those who have a D or s serving overseas.

cloudboy -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/8/2009 11:48:31 PM)
That's true, you have some valid angles here.

MistressTaboo -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/9/2009 6:36:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub quote: Yes Chastity subs are HARD work and high maintenance Based on your large sample of how many? Don't get me wrong, I agree that it's probably true of most, but just like anything else, it depends on the individuals. Not just the sub, but also the domme, because as I wrote earlier, it's as hard as she makes it. By the way, "whinny" is the sound a horse makes. Sorry that's what I get for doing two things at once...I was in the middle of an email about some of our horses....mind was in horse mode not BDSM mode. In the past 10yrs I've probably had over 10 where I was the actual physical keyholder...I've spoken with probably a 100 more subs and 50 to 60 Dommes...this was the ONLY kink my husband really came with, so I've spent a lot of time with it. I've researched, I've talked and I've watched and learned. I've talked to Drs both urologists and psychiatrist about it. He's described the feelngs to the Drs all kink friendly....they confirmed what we thought about the depression. My husband spent years in therapy and on meds for depression for a vanilla reason as a teen....so he's pretty in touch with it. And then we sat down to make this work...it's taken YEARS of commication....we had to figure out how to make it work for us. The thing is if she's doing it for HIM....it's going to be a hard sell. It's hard work... And he has a VERY high sex drive...which is probably why the set it and forget it doesn't work.

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