RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Femdoms.

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Femdoms.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Femdoms.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 10:40:34 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

HBS, you're not listening to Venatrix. She's already told you what you think, just as she's certain of what I think. So she doesn't need to listen to you.

This thread is hilarious

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 10:45:35 AM

malloves69

Posts: 913
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

just a thought but where would us submissive guys be without our dominant sexy femdom ladys ?

mal

(in reply to Venatrix)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 10:46:02 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic

So this is a bad question for me to ask? I have my own fantasies yes, but I am interested in the Dommes fantasies. They are new and different.

Any good relationship is going to be about give and take. Both parties want to get their needs met. It is when, as Missokyst points out, the sub is trying to present getting his desires fulfilled as being his "service" to the domina that the dynamic gets skewed. In other words, both parties should enjoy the kinky play, but that's topping and bottoming, not dominance and submission.

Agreed - but I will add to this a little. I feel like I am very, very motivated to understand and unravel a submissive/bottom's hot buttons, and that's always been core to my dominance. It's a subtle form of seduction, manipulation (in a good way) and button pushing. When I first started dominating men it was vanillas because that's all I knew, and I realized early on that in order to get a guy to submit and want to submit again, I had to make it hot and exciting for him. With submissives, it's the same way. Understanding and using male fantasies to make a guy blow his top -- and other things -- is the absolute most powerful tool a woman can use. On top of her OWN sex/sensual appeal and erotic pleasures. Unless the guy is so stoic I cannot read a thing about him, I feel I am pretty skilled at getting into a guy's head and understanding his fantasies and making them powerful.

But if it's one sided like that, and it's just ME pushing his buttons, it's total burnout - it's a drain, it's an energy-suck. I have to be getting back, and I have to be *getting off*. And I can't just stop him and say "do this, do that. Oh by the way, x is my biggest fetish and here is why." I do that to some degree and I am pretty clear about what I want - but if a guy can't take that information and at least make an effort to try harder and to be *motivated* to excite me - and really, he's only interested in exciting me *as long as the act excites him*, then he's just a bottom. Which is fine, but I don't feel much like spending all that emotional and sensual energy to get a guy off when he could care less what turns me on.

In the mind of some men, they know/want to believe this (for example) is what makes a femdom tick: face sitting. Pussy licking. Making fun of his cock. Squeezing his balls. (Granted, a lot of this is true, on some levels, and at the right moments..however..)

What they don't CARE about that makes a femdom tick (for example): Vulnerability. Emotional surrender. Fear. etc. (plus, insert whatever obscure fantasies a lady may have - watching him juggle? making him do push ups?)

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Venatrix)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 10:46:50 AM

Venatrix

Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub
Because of that, I have very little to say about it, except "where does she find such idiots?"

Believe me, they aren't hard to come by. Unfortunately, one doesn't always find out just how idiotic they are until one has already invested a certain amount of time getting to know them. It's interesting, though, how so many men on the boards proclaim that they aren't like that, yet my private contact with them shows that many of them are indeed like that.

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 10:49:05 AM

VeryMercurial

Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub
Because of that, I have very little to say about it, except "where does she find such idiots?"

Believe me, they aren't hard to come by. Unfortunately, one doesn't always find out just how idiotic they are until one has already invested a certain amount of time getting to know them. It's interesting, though, how so many men on the boards proclaim that they aren't like that, yet my private contact with them shows that many of them are indeed like that.

this post: made my message board day.
They are very easy to find to the point you are usually stumbling over them.
They are not rare or hard to come by, at all.

< Message edited by VeryMercurial -- 8/13/2009 10:55:46 AM >

(in reply to Venatrix)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 10:52:35 AM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

I concur good sir.

I find myself a fairly inquisitive fellow with an equal amount of listening skills, and just because I have fantasies does not mean they will be fulfilled.

Although if it is Akasha spouting her sultry desires I am quite sure I would be up for most of it. She has a way of pressing my buttons.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 10:56:48 AM

Venatrix

Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

HBS, you're not listening to Venatrix. She's already told you what you think, just as she's certain of what I think. So she doesn't need to listen to you.

This thread is hilarious

Thanks for your post, Peon. It just proves that you can dish it out, but you can't take it.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 10:58:49 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

Actually, I'm fairly certain that it wasn't your questions that were responsible for the headaches.

How are you certain, when you haven't asked me any questions about the way in which I ask questions?

quote:

I meant that, from what I've seen of your participation on the boards, it seems to me that you would have many other characteristics that would prove more annoying than asking questions.

Whatever. You used to feel the opposite - but, hey, things change.

quote:

But you are right. I should have asked you about the way in which you ask questions, so here it is: Are women getting annoyed with you because you are a complete arsehole when you ask them questions?.

They've never got annoyed. If they thought I was a complete arsehole when I asked them questions - and I asked lots of questions - then, presumably, they wouldn't be with me.

V, if you'd like to say something more personal to me, may I suggest you take it to c- or e-mail?

quote:

Indeed. I ended up asking questions that they couldn't answer - because they couldn't articulate their answers. "Where does the domme drive come from" is something that's of perennial interest to me. But since I can't answer that question regarding my own sub drive, I don't expect a domme will always know the answer either.

quote:

Perhaps you simply need to find more articulate dominants with whom to socialise. I have no problem explaining where my dominant drive comes from.

Then I'd like to hear it. I always like to hear it. But I doubt that even you'd be able to articulate it.

- edited to fix quotes

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 8/13/2009 11:04:39 AM >

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to Venatrix)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 11:03:15 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

HBS, you're not listening to Venatrix. She's already told you what you think, just as she's certain of what I think. So she doesn't need to listen to you.

This thread is hilarious

Thanks for your post, Peon. It just proves that you can dish it out, but you can't take it.

What? V, I'm completely lost now. What do you mean?

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to Venatrix)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 11:04:40 AM

Venatrix

Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline

Given that I have you blocked from contacting me, I'd say it's a safe bet that I do not wish to discuss anything with you privately.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 11:06:57 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

Ah. I didn't realise that you'd blocked me from contacting you privately. Now duly noted.

Akasha: sorry for the thread-jack.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to Venatrix)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 11:15:33 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic

I concur good sir.

I find myself a fairly inquisitive fellow with an equal amount of listening skills, and just because I have fantasies does not mean they will be fulfilled.

Although if it is Akasha spouting her sultry desires I am quite sure I would be up for most of it. She has a way of pressing my buttons.

My way of getting fantasies fulfilled is by developing a nice big range of them. You can't go wrong that way, IMO.

No partner I've ever had has told me I fall short on 'listening skills' either. But as always, there are communication problems. Wish I could find that quote from R D Laing's book Knots. Something like, "Jack doesn't understand. Jill doesn't understand what Jack doesn't understand."

Between men and women, I think very little can be taken for granted, re understanding each other. If we're talking about femdom and malesub - that problem is magnified.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 11:15:38 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic

So this is a bad question for me to ask? I have my own fantasies yes, but I am interested in the Dommes fantasies. They are new and different.

I can't speak for all femdoms, as I think we are very different, but I can give you my point of view and suggest that maybe some other ladies feel the same.

I think subs need to recognize that "real" femdoms (ie, not those in porn) are thinking, feeling women - and women are, by our nature, emotional, social and sensual creatures. When a femdom talks about or shares fantasies, it's often about the interaction, reaction and emotions between the two people. It's less the acts themselves. While I have quite a few fantasies and fetishes, really, my urges are about reactions (from the men) that make me feel certain things. It can get pretty convoluted and complicated. But there have been men that really worked hard to understand my drives and urges and ultimately understood them as well as I did - if not more.

If a man understands what I am longing for in his reactions, he can bring that side to the surface more readily - whether it be fear, vulnerability or surrender, or any other things that push my buttons depending on my mood.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Profile

Post #: 33

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 11:24:50 AM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

Ah so it is more about the reaction of describing said fantasy than the acting it out.

Understood.

I swear I am better in real life. The internet is such a restricted medium of communication.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to AAkasha)

Profile

Post #: 34

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 11:42:35 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

The internet is such a restricted medium of communication.

You got that right.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Profile

Post #: 35

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 2:44:53 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Just a quick comment.

I would tend to think Aakasha, that you are expecting something of someone in a top/bottom situation to respond in a way that is more appropriate for a D/s dynamic.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Profile

Post #: 36

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/13/2009 9:50:48 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I think subs need to recognize that "real" femdoms (ie, not those in porn) are thinking, feeling women - and women are, by our nature, emotional, social and sensual creatures. When a femdom talks about or shares fantasies, it's often about the interaction, reaction and emotions between the two people. It's less the acts themselves. While I have quite a few fantasies and fetishes, really, my urges are about reactions (from the men) that make me feel certain things. It can get pretty convoluted and complicated. But there have been men that really worked hard to understand my drives and urges and ultimately understood them as well as I did - if not more

I don't think this is by any means limited to femdoms - I think that most women in general feel this way. It's something I brought up fairly early on, and the guys who didn't "get it" were put on my "To Don't" list right away. The ones who were able to truly listen to me, ask reasonably intelligent questions and make interesting comments without turning it more sexual than I was comfortable with got to talk to me more about it, and I asked them about their fantasies and experiences as well.

LP, I don't think it has anything to do with Top/Bottom vs. D/s. All of the men I've dated, regardless of BDSM orientation, since my first submissive have been willing to handle this type of conversation this way. When I was looking, before I found my Master, the dominant and switch men who I went that far with were perfectly willing to listen and be respectful. "Bottom" just means that they're into the sensations, S/M, and bondage and such. It doesn't mean that they don't care about the woman, her likes and dislikes, don't want a relationship, or whatever, just that they aren't specifically turned on by *control*.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 8/13/2009 9:55:27 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

Profile

Post #: 37

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/14/2009 12:38:26 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Exactly. While it doesn't mean that they don't, it also means that they are not especially inclined to do so, either.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Andalusite)

Profile

Post #: 38

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/14/2009 12:39:58 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

(in reply to Andalusite)

Profile

Post #: 39

RE: When to retrain vs. dump. Catch and release for Fem... - 8/14/2009 7:25:11 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

So far in my experience with guys, bottoms, switches, and Toppy types have been *more* focused on the woman's actual enjoyment and getting what she needs out of the relationship than the self-identified submissives *in general* have been. There certainly are exceptions, but the vast majority I've talked to, both via e-mail and on the message boards, would *NOT* be happy with my doing the activities that they wanted, unless I were also willing to react in the ways that they demanded, down to details that none of the Dominant men I've ever talked with have expected. "She's got to orgasm from *forcing* me to have sex with men/using a strap-on in my ass/blah-blah." Just being willing to participate in cross-dressing, and enjoying it a bit isn't enough, "she has to enjoy my humiliation and call me her panty boy and cocksucker." "I wanna be controlled but it has to be *MY* way, but she has to get off on doing me exactly the way and for the exact reasons that I want her to have." I think it's pretty creepy. You know the drill - *most* of the self-identified bottom guys I've talked to don't make those kinds of demands!

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 8/14/2009 7:26:33 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

Profile

Post #: 40