MstrssLace
Posts: 4
Joined: 12/29/2005
Status: offline
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Well since I am the person in question, and as usual, people offer some pretty negative commentaries without knowing facts, I thought it'd be kind of appropriate if I came and responded. Of course, there's always the possiblity that the moderators will remove me. <shrug> I'm willing to risk it, if it brings the topic of Domestic Violence in our lifestyle, out in the open. Cause folks...I'm not the only one.
Let's see, where do I begin? Perhaps by stating that it wasn't myself nor my attorney who called the media, and turned this into a circus by dragging in the BDSM element of our lives. He claimed our contract gave him the right to do "anything he wanted"...including knock me unconscious when he was, in his own words in court "out of control". He was abusive...he hid behind the lifestyle...he gave BDSM and the loving relationships within it a black eye with the media...then he slunk away with a "no comment".
Fact was, I had been repeatedly abused, and yeah...I'm sure some of you "lovely" people will blame me. Fine. I accept that I loved him, gave him too much of the benefit of the doubt, and feared leaving in part because his elderly and disabled mother was also completely at his "mercy"...and unable to defend herself. So I took a few beatings on her behalf too. In the course of almost two years, there were four concussions that I can recall...and never was I allowed to receive medical treatment. By the time I realized that this wasn't a consensual BDSM relationship anymore, but an abusive one, and not even a particularly creatively abusive one, I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I should have *known* better.
But hey, let's just stick to the allegations and comments made here. <smiles> And I'm trying not to be bitter towards the reactions I've gotten...but it's not easy.
Hmmm....Oh yes...gbgirlz2003 says she believes I should be sent back to my Master for some real punishment. Interesting. See, not once did my lawyer ever mention the play, or the marks resulting from either play, or punishment. Those weren't at issue. When I'd screw up, I owned up to it...and asked for, and sometimes received disciplinary actions. Through those, I sought forgiveness and defusing a volatile person's rage. So if I got five, or ten, or twenty swats with the punishment paddle, I didnt' complain. Those were things I agreed to. Like it or not, I honored my promise to accept his punishment. Nor did the whip and knife marks from play get used against him....because they weren't abuse. So I suppose some could think that I deserve to be sent back and beaten in the head some more....not going to happen, but hey...you're entitled to your opinion. <smiles> Who knows? You might even contact him and hit it off. He's always looking for the next slave.
Anyway...on to the next comment. TheHungryTiger snidely comments about the length of time between when we met, and when we moved in together. What the article doesn't say, is that we met online yes...but not as Dom/sub. Not as Domme/sub. We were both dominants, we met, enjoyed each other's company, became friends, casual lovers, etc. Often, he would call me up and ask advice about dealing with subs. No biggie. I respected what I saw at the time, even if he did seem to posture a bit. I'd say that knowing someone for three years as a friend before becoming their housemate might not qualify me for a complete idiot. And when he approached me to share his home, it *was* as housemates. He was paid rent and utilities, as well as getting his housework done in the beginning. It didn't start out to be a romantic relationship.
And Chaingang....yes, you did seem to take an interest in the article. You were actually even reserved and balanced. Thank you for that. You pointed out that it's inconclusive whether I was struck or pushed. True. See, I was attacked from behind as I went into my bedroom. I don't know what hit me, because I was attacked while my back was turned. I don't know if it was his fist, an object....and since there were no witnesses (men seldom abuse with witnesses), it's my word against his...and I admit that I don't know what he hit me with. I also don't know what knocked me out for sure, because I don't recall hitting the floor. I do remember being knocked in the back of the neck/head....friends saw the bruises...I remember being knocked through the dog-gate, into the door....I don't recall hitting the floor. I had a few memories after that...of being kicked in the stomach, called the C word, told to get up and get out or be killed....screamed at for "making him do it"....things like that. But you see, I couldn't stay awake. I tried, because I wanted nothing more than to run. But I couldn't do it. When I finally DID wake up four hours later, my first thought was to contact the nursing home and make sure the social worker there protected his mom from any backlash. Not real rational, I suppose...but I was dizzy, couldn't focus my vision, was nauseated, had some serious body aches. So I can forgive myself for thinking of his mom first, even if it didn't make sense at the time.
"Sounds like some sort of quarrel that became physical". Good observation. It was always a quarrel that became physical. From the first time to the last....When he was banging my head off the wall and threatening to "bury me" in front of my daughter (20 years old), when he was screaming at me in the hearing range of the home health workers (they were upstairs so didn't see anything)...you know...the "I'm going to f'ing kill you you c*nt" type of thing. Yeah it was always a quarrel that became physical. But why? Nothing I did worked....trying to talk things out...becoming quiet....eyes down, kneeling....prostrating myself on the floor, waiting. Nothing ever seemed the right thing at the right time to assuage the rage. And what was the rage about? Wearing the wrong skirt. Crying once when my daughter wasn't allowed to see me before she moved to California. Once it was simply because he'd had a bad morning...stepped in dog poop, missed the toilet when he peed....and he needed someone to hate and rage on. Why the rage? I always submitted to discipline if it was needed....whether I liked it or not. <shrug> I lost myself trying to be a good slave to him, and prove to him how worthy he was of love...hoping it would fix whatever was damaged inside. I was wrong. The part that's a good person....the part of him that was my friend....who could make me giggle and laugh and think and stand in awe of him....that part's pretty much obliterated by the tyrranical little control junkie who doesn't know what he wants, and is frustrated by not being happy with what he created. Oh...and who was the dominant? He was supposed to be. I was Domme for going on 20 years before becoming involved with him. He didn't "turn me"....I fell in love with a friend. I wanted to please that friend, and be with him, so I surrendered what I was, what I felt I could surrender, and I gave myself up to the fact of serving him. And I did it to the best of my ability. Many people have told me that he was very "submissive" in the past to women, and resented that. Perhaps if I'd tried to take control and do the guiding, things would have been different....but that wouldn't have been honoring the vows we made to each other.
And speaking of the contract. The agreement had been to destroy it when we split up. He didn't do that...instead, he used it to justify domestic violence. And by the way, look up "Domestic Violence" and some of the signs and symptoms. By the time I read the list, I was 20 months into the relationship, and was horrified to see so many signs that fit. Isolation, mental abuse, decimation of self-esteem, demanding dependency. What started out as an intelligent, consensual, thought-out contractual BDSM relationship went south, and became very abusive mentally and emotionally on a daily basis...and with frightening frequency, on a physical basis.
I was asked once by him "If I'm abusive, why do you stay???" I told him "Because I love you Master". And I did. Abuse, and refusing to take it anymore, doesn't kill the love. I really wish it did.
Now....on to just how "stupid" I was. I trusted this friend with my life. I gave 100%, denied him nothing...held nothing back. When he hated my talking on the computer, or even owning a computer, mine was given to my former foster son. When he pointed out that "property doesn't own property", I willingly signed my car title over to him. <smiles> He assured me I would be taken care of for transportation...we had other vehicles....so when my car was given (with my blessing) to his stepson, I wasn't worried. Clothing (Domme clothes he hated on me) were given away to stripper and barmaid friends of his. I was on call 24/7. I cared for his home, cared for his mother, his extended family, his finances, everything that required attention, I did. He didn't want me working? Not a problem. I stayed home and isolated. He allowed me to work briefly....again not a problem...and every penny of my wages went to him. It wasn't stupid at the time, or in my eyes. It was how a relationship was supposed to be. Together...not this separate stuff.
When I met him, I was not in the least a masochistic. I offered to be trained to accept pain as a token of my love and respect for him, and my desire to please him. So you can sit in smug judgment, or you can ask yourself if you honestly believed with every fiber of your being, that the person you were with was trustworthy and your soulmate....what would you deny him/her? Who doesn't want someone who will give their all?
Blame me for not leaving the relationship....it's pretty typical for abuse victims not to leave the first few times....but hey...go ahead if it feels better, and blame me.
Blame me for protecting his mom when I could have just fled. She has dementia, and can't protect herself...and at the end, before I could get her into a long term nursing facility, it was getting pretty scary to listen to his screaming at her and threatening her...but I *could* have just left her and fended for myself. So blame me for that.
Blame me for signing a contract and an indemnification letter to protect someone I loved from ERRONEOUS prosecution for consensual play. It was never intended to protect him from prosecution for actual abuse...only from the misperceptions we know the vanilla world can have of our ways.
But do not blame me please, for standing up and asking for the same protection that every other battered woman is entitled to. Even if you think I was foolish, or stupid, or a lousy slave....that does not entitle ANYONE to batter and abuse. The cops told me once, there's not a thing I could have done to justify his hitting me. Wish I'd listened then.
Well....I finally listened to friends who begged me not to slink away in shame. Who begged me to not let him continue getting away with abuse after abuse after abuse. I'm not his first victim. This wasn't the first time someone sought an order of protection because they feared him. And I won't be his last victim. But hopefully, I'm going to be the last one who remains silent. The last one who feels guilty for having been with him.
There were many issues my freebie / legal aid atty didn't question him about. History of psychiatric problems. Former orders of protection. Why he was banned by the local BDSM organization from their events. Abuse of other subs... And so on.
And as for me? I fled the state four days after the plea for an order of protection was denied. I'm trying to find an atty who can help me appeal from halfway across the country. See, I brought the dirty laundry to light...and I believed the threats. Enough to run. And what did I get to leave with? Did I manage to "take him"? LOL I left with four suitcases of clothes...mostly clothes that I had come into the relationship with. Nothing else. No money, no job, no computer, no car...none of the things I came into the home with. But I got to keep my life....for now.
Sorry folks, but I didn't open this can of worms. I will, however, take the opportunity offered, to get my side out.
I *was* "Slave2MyLeatherUrLace"....now...I'm Jean.
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No protective order for woman who signed contract... - 
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