Negotiation and Communication Need to Know

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Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/23/2006 11:02:05 AM

2BeMarriedNOwned

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I want to know if my thinking is ok in terms of negotiation and communication. I was taught by a Mistress who belived in communication and negotiating things that would be a part of a contract to be owned by her. We communicated about likes, dislikes, fears, things not to do for health reasons, things that she ddin't like things that I didn't like. It was a great insight for each other. I see mixed reviews on communication and negotiation here. In fact a few domm'es stopped writting to me because I ssked questions and or try to communicate my health concerns about some fetish behaviors. I understand that the Mistress is in control, but shoulnd't a basic agreement be reached before one enters the arena?There is a real world out there that requires me to work and bringhome the bacon and the bread and butter too. If Im beaten or cut to the point of infection or damage, isisn't it a good thing that Mistress should know these things and allow a variation. One Mistress long ago went out to eat with me. After dinner she said that she was going to the powder room. She didn't come back. when I wnet to get in my car.... No car. I had to walk home (as a sign of her power) It was raining and slushing and very cold. I ened up sick and was out of work for a week. We had not discussed, communicated or negotiated. what is the community think of this? 2Be MarriedNOwned

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/23/2006 11:10:22 AM

yourMissTress

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I think that communication and negotiation are very important in a relationship. I also think there is a time and place for the negotiations you mention and it's not in the getting to know you stage of the relationship. Based on your thread from a few days ago I would guess that you are putting the horse before the cart here. IMO if you are still in the emailing phase (as your post suggests) and trying to discuss the workings of specific fetishes you may be a one handed typer, and I would be hesitant to continue chatting with you.

My advice would be get to know a Domina as a person before you start telling her why you are concerned about her doing ____ to you and how you think it should be done, and maybe they will stick around a little while. Contrary to the beliefs of some we are not life support systems for fetishes.

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/23/2006 11:24:03 AM

2BeMarriedNOwned

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thank you for your reply. I do so want to do this the right way and find a Mistress to care for and to love. thanxs again 2beMarriedNOwned

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/23/2006 12:21:53 PM

ProtagonistLily

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I'm currently researching this topic for presentation at my local organization. Here is an article by non-famous Lauren you might find helpful.

Negotiations

Kassie

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/23/2006 3:48:26 PM

BeachMystress

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While negotiations are important, I suspect you're asking questions too early and coming off as toppy. If you're asking within the first two or three letters, it seems presumptuous. You should be getting to know her as a person and asking questions that will reveal her character, ideals and values. When you move right to the "what people can and can't do" you've ignored her as a person and she gets the idea that all she is to you is a plaything. While negotiation and discussing limits is an important thing, it is better saved for your first phone conversation or face to face meeting.

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/23/2006 7:15:46 PM

Carameldomme

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quote:

One Mistress long ago went out to eat with me. After dinner she said that she was going to the powder room. She didn't come back. when I wnet to get in my car.... No car. I had to walk home (as a sign of her power) It was raining and slushing and very cold. I ened up sick and was out of work for a week. We had not discussed, communicated or negotiated. what is the community think of this? 2Be MarriedNOwned

Personally, I find that incredibly funny. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to do it in foul weather. It is too bad you got sick.

At any rate, I don't think that is something that could be negotiated. If she was your Domme, and you gave yourself to her, it seems logical that you've given her relatively free range over your possessions as well - which gives her the authority to take your car (plus you giving her your keys). IF that's not the case, then the situation was a little..unusual. I can't imagine being in a relationship with a submissive and feeling restricted from doing those little things that entertain me.

I don't negotiate, becaue I don't have to. But, I do communicate, I wouldn't enter a relationship without it...During the course of that communication, the sub needs to understand the variety of things I may do and find them acceptable- otherwise, we part ways.

"Being beaten or cut to the point of infection"...sounds silly.
you can get infected form a papercut. If what you mean is beaten (or cut) to the point of stitches or permanent damage, then the desire to engage or be free from such extremes should be well known between the partners prior to any play.

It seems like this terrible thing she did to you was not so out of the ordinary, and if her action was terrible to you, then yes, you need to communicate better. It you truly NEVER discussed or communicated with your Domme, then.. you deserved what you got.

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/23/2006 7:17:11 PM

theRose4U

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quote:

While negotiations are important, I suspect you're asking questions too early and coming off as toppy. If you're asking within the first two or three letters, it seems presumptuous.

I would agree. I'm VERY strict about checklists, health evals and the like with someone that I want to take as my own. You're missing a big detail...she has to WANT you first. Negotiating with me, arguing point for point when I haven't decided how I feel would probably have me going "next".

Learning who a Domme is, what they like, their favorite foods, books and the like are important. Also in your story how did this lady get our car keys??

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/24/2006 7:09:11 AM

BeeQueen

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quote:

ORIGINAL: 2BeMarriedNOwned

In fact a few domm'es stopped writting to me because I ssked questions and or try to communicate my health concerns about some fetish behaviors. I understand that the Mistress is in control, but shoulnd't a basic agreement be reached before one enters the arena?There is a real world out there that requires me to work and bringhome the bacon and the bread and butter too. If Im beaten or cut to the point of infection or damage, isisn't it a good thing that Mistress should know these things and allow a variation.

my guess on that is that ur way too concerend about the physical domination....u dont sound as if u bother to meet the woman/human first at all.

as some other posts stated ... communicate and negotiate is important part of the game
but me (and i guess a lot of other dominant woman) react rather allergic to ppl that ask in the 3rd line they write * what would u do to me.....or.......but i want this or that..or dont want this or that.....*

if the guyz dont bother to talk to me on a nilla lvl first, so i can meet the person, im not interessted at all in the sub and neither negotiating anything.

if ur health is that delicate that u get sick from a walk in the rain, u could ve called a friend or a cab to pic u up

negotiation and communication is basic and needed....but also gatta know WHEN......
and i am only willing to negotiate things when i have already desided that im interessted in the person im talking too

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/24/2006 9:35:33 AM

MsPurrmeow

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quote:

ORIGINAL: 2BeMarriedNOwned
I understand that the Mistress is in control, but shoulnd't a basic agreement be reached before one enters the arena?

Simple answer... Yes. There should be some form of communication and negotiation. That being said, some people like to play dangerously and don't do it. You obviously are aware that those people will not be ones you should be pursuing. SSimple enough. Here's an easy primer:

One's that don't communicate - Off your list. You've indicated that you need it. It's your requirement.
Ones that negotiate play - are only there for play
Ones that not only negotiate play but are fully communicative about all of the other little niggly things in your head (we've all got them) has potential to be a relationship.

Simple enough. Communication is required for you. Yes, you have a right to require it.

Now, if we were still only in the exchange of email stages and you were hounding me about play requirements, I'd probably stop writing. That's what cyber-wankers do. They want me to provide them with erotica and they want to talk about their perfect scene long before we'll ever meet. *click* They're gone. If we talk about who and what you are as real people online, then meet each other and continue the conversation, then move up later to talking about play WHEN IT IS IN CONTEXT then we've got a good healthy start for a relationship.

Just because I wouldn't get into the details of how you like to be hit online doesn't mean I'm not going to ccommunicate with you, it simply means that there is a time and a place for each conversation.

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/24/2006 1:21:28 PM

thetammyjo

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I think initial and contractual negotiations are very important -- I have a form I use and filling it out with disscussion of each item takes between 2 and 3 hours of time.

However, after that I don't consider it negotiation anymore but communication.

Some people are good at communicating, some are not.

I'd say that someone telling you she was going to the bathroom but instead taking your car and leaving you to walk is a poor communicator and a poor dominant. If she wanted to show you she could do anything why not say "I'm leaving and taking the car. You pay the bill and walk home, boy." then leave? Sounds more like its an idea that popped into her head on the way to the toilet than an actually attempt to show how dominant she was. Being dominant should be about accepting responsiblities as well as privileges and that means communicating about what you are doing and why. Sometimes the that only requires a "I'm doing X cause I can" statement.

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/25/2006 10:14:08 AM

Real0ne

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There is no way to gauge this any more in bdsm than there is in nilla dating. we all heard the phrase moving to fast/slow. some feel you are moving to slow if you are not in bed the first night and others to fast if you even mention sex in the first 6 months. been there right?

some dommes want to get to know you, love you and care for you and others want a little remote control robot and not only could care less about your welfare but they may even take you to the cleaners and everywhere between.

my advice is run from any domme who does the "one time" negotiation routine. being a sub or slave does not equal being stoopid. if you are looking for a ltr you need someone who understands life is fluid and needs are constantly changing, both YOURS and hers change with time. so avoid the one time negotiators like the plague.

when you meet the right one her speed and your speed with be close enough to the same and fit together naturally. a sign that you are on the same wavelength at least.

i had an occasion where i met a domme that was so inconsiderate that i kicked her azz right out the door. IMVHO you should have called the cops and reported your car stolen! at least you would have gotten a ride home ;)

Then when you got home kicked her azz out the door and been done with it. There are miscalculations and then again there are those who could give a shit about your welfare and they do not deserve the time of day.

good luck

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/26/2006 8:31:45 AM

MissA

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Communication is huge for me. I am in agreement however that it may sound as though you're coming at someone with a list of things you must have done to you and how they ought to be done. This type of vibe turns me off immediately coming from anyone. One of the very first things I ask a submissive is "tell me about you as a person." I also like them to tell me about their vanilla interests. This opens the door for a wide variety of responses and I find really gives me incite.

I go the route of getting to know a submissive as a person and letting them ask questions to get to know me before I ever delve into the D/s aspects of what may be. I find that many turn tail when I don't immediately "command" them to their knees and demand to be called Mistress or tell them how I'll rope them down and ravage them.

I am not to be used as a means to an end therefore I don't need a scenario for me to play a specific part in or a narrow list of things you want done in a very exact way. When we do address your likes it will be because I am in the mood or I am rewarding you for seeing to my needs/requirements first.

It sounds as though you have a good foundation and negotiations are crucial to safe play. You may just be jumping the gun so take some time get to know the person beforehand. Good luck!

~Ms. A~

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/26/2006 10:17:17 AM

Cloudz

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Communication...is that not what we do here all day, every day? Exchange thoughts, feelings, questions, issues...

Communication is important..negotiations, a less cut and dried topic for me. I want to know what you like and what you hate. I want to know why. I also want to chose to continue or end the activity. I want you to trust me enough to allow me to push when I feel it is appropriate or to pull back - even if you feel you can handle more.

I agree with some of what was written here. Especially regarding lying about leaving you in the restaurant. I would have told you exactly what I intended and enjoyed hearing about your thoughts and emotions as you found a way home. I would also tell you WHY this was about to happen to you, and be waiting to hear your thoughts about how to correct the behavior that came about...but that is my way.

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RE: Negotiation and Communication Need to Know - 2/26/2006 10:19:41 AM

Cloudz

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Regarding your health concerns,

Yes - hitting me with a list of do's and don'ts and health concerns and issues in the first few contacts may be a bit premature. IF after getting to know me and trust me a bit - you find some of these concerns are still a potential issue, sure - bring it on...but there are other things that may come before that.

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