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I just wanna be me, is that so wrong?


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I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 9:22:27 AM   
laianna


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline 		Ok ... here is some background before I start to ask the questions.
I am a Dominant Switch. For anyone who does not know the differance ..a dominant switch is a switch who identifies more strongly to the dominant side of things. I have been Mistress to 2 boys online for more than 2 years now and one of those boys has now joined me in real life for a little over a year. The submissive side of me has always been the less of the two.

About a year ago .. a little bit more than that at this point .. I met a man who i was interested in subbing to. At that point He was relatively green but His ideas and vision sparked me. I asked for His collar which He granted me and it has been a struggle ever since.

We have tried a lot of differant things at first and have over the course of the time in collar trying to find a balance for my Dominant and submissive sides. Online previous to asking for His collar I had keep my two sides fairly seperate but He wished me to be able to have both in one.. always submissive to Him of course but dominant to others. The online environment we belong to is visual unlike html chat so I used 2 accounts.. one for each half of me. I am not going to list all the details of a year but there have been frustrations on both sides and feelings of failure.

I fully admit I have had trouble. There have been changes every few weeks to what He is doing and it has left me with whiplash trying to keep up.. every few weeks for a year. A switch doesn't work like a lightbulb .. at least I don't and I am Dominant first with everyone else around me but Him. Within His household there is another girl, one I used to own. It has been a huge struggle for me to be able to be submissive all the time with her around. She, by the way, does not see me as anything but the Dominant.

For months and months and months we have been striving to find this balance of my two halves and we are finally close in my opinion.

But a new issue has come up.

I want to be able to kneel and enjoy the submissive side when I am serving Him but I want the girls to acknowledge my position in the heiarchy and call me Mistress as they always have. He has wanted me to be Dominant to the others in His household .. I currently am considered the "House Mistress" within it and we are WORKING on protocols for the house.. they are not wholely finished. There will be a heiarchy structure to them. The subs will all follow the same basic setup however. He wants me to be a dominant to the girls in the house and I want to be a dominant to the girls in the house and everyone involved knows I am a switch.

He believes that if I am acting in a Dominant capacity that I should not place myself in a submissive posture because in the virtual environment it might be confusing to the other submissives. He claims it "devalues the symbolic meaning of the submissive posture" and that for me to be dominant to others while i am in it will make them feel less respected or valued.

He believes I should keep seperate protocols for when I am Dominant and when i am submissive. I believe He feels it is what i want. I have been striveing to blend them more this whole time in what I thought He wished. He wishes me to now follow the same protocols as the slaves when i am one avatar and switch to the other and be Dominant only on that avatar, however in all other media ( yahoo, phone, IMs within the environment) I am to be a submissive to Him.

I feel unstable and unsettled and it seems His most natural reaction to my troubles is to offer release which makes me even more unsettled.

So here are the questions... based on this big long winded explaination:

Do you think I should follow protocols that make me very unhappy just to "safeguard the security" of submissives who know I am a switch and have seen me in both roles?

Will they freak out or have problems following a protocol that expects them to treat me as the Dominant that I have always been to them while I am also following submissive protocols for my owner?

(Spoke to both girls as of this morning and both have expressed they would be good with it with a little ironing out. His words are " I have a problem with it. It feels wrong. It looks wrong. It make you look like their bitchy older sister.")

Is it healthy for me to feel this way.. able to kneel to my Master but be the dominant the girls wish as well?

Is it selfish to want to be myself .. a dominant switch .. within a family?

Is this a protocol issue even?

We have gone back and forth on this issue for a long time and He has decided that since we have not yet been able to find the proper solution that we now need mediation and I should write this to you .. so I am asking please... help me sort this out right.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 9:25:44 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Instead of assuming the other girl will no longer do what you say if you kneel by his chair, why don't you ask her?

Beyond that, if the protocols don't work for you, eventually you'll get fed up and walk.

The three of you need a lot less topdown management and a lot more plain old communication.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to laianna)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 9:27:05 AM   
laianna


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline 		Oh yes I did discuss it with her and she is not upset by it

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 9:32:15 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am

I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am

That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me


You tell them lousy cunts that:

That's MY dominant;
I'm YOUR dominant;
end of convo...

If in their mind you are an alpha slave, so what? You can think it, but dont say it or act on it.

If there is a prob, it should be discussed with your master ahead of time that he will not step in, but will stand there arms akimbo while you explain it to the recalcitrant....

At most, he has to say when you are finished is, GOT IT? GET IT? GOOD!!!!

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to laianna)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 9:38:04 AM   
Eivarden


Posts: 101
Joined: 4/15/2009
Status: offline 		I don't think your idea is wrong.
If I were one of your submissives, I wouldn't think any less of you.

But this type of relationship is found every day among various groups of people, of all sorts of ages.

It does work. You should be able to work this out. ^^

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 9:54:00 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Ron, there are days that I just love you.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Eivarden)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 10:31:56 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		You just like me because I remind you of Sammy Davis.

Dean Martin

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 10:35:33 AM   
wildnbeautiful


Posts: 26
Joined: 1/2/2007
Status: offline
Do you think I should follow protocols that make me very unhappy just to "safeguard the security" of submissives who know I am a switch and have seen me in both roles?

I disagree with You having to do this because.. since the girls/boys know Your a switch they respect your dominant side and know you as such and wouldnt care  I as a gorean slave/sub within my own real life world know that some switches tend to be First Girls of a house as well as Free Woman they should respect you as a Mistress on your Dom side and a mistress on your slave side both have levels of respect and basically not much different either way your "Dominant in being a Mistress/ in charge as a First Girl/sub side ie "For example, in a group of female slaves, for example, in a pleasure gardens, a fortress or a tavern, there will usually be a girl appointed First Girl. Indeed, if there is a large number of slaves, there are sometimes hierarchies of “first girls”, lower-level first girls reporting to higher-level first girls, and so on. The lower-level slaves will commonly address their first girl as “Mistress”.
so basically if the others havent a problem with it  then its kosher but i do wanna say this in my real life my own Mistress is a switch and I have upmost respect of her no matter what side she is because I feel she is dominant in either mode

Will they freak out or have problems following a protocol that expects them to treat me as the Dominant that I have always been to them while I am also following submissive protocols for my owner?

not if they respect you for who you are and know you well enough to be whom you are ie see above

(Spoke to both girls as of this morning and both have expressed they would be good with it with a little ironing out. His words are " I have a problem with it. It feels wrong. It looks wrong. It make you look like their bitchy older sister.") <----- this i have to laugh at another word for First Girl again she is  supierior to them anyway if they were a slave/sub then they know already deal with it

Is it healthy for me to feel this way.. able to kneel to my Master but be the dominant the girls wish as well? You are not some robot that some one can turn on and off a switch and make you feel anything..what you feel is what you feel either way I think some one in this relationship has alot of learning to do and it isnt You

Is it selfish to want to be myself .. a dominant switch .. within a family?
I do not think Your being selfish at all..You are You and no one can make you change nor change who you are cause then youd be unhappy and miserable your whole life besides Your a person behind the keys and have rights in both worlds as a domme or a sub as a Mistress/slave (behind the keys) You have  feelings and that NO ONE can take from you..so no your not being selfish your being You ..normal

Is this a protocol issue even?
Anyone interested in exploring the concepts of Dominance and submission must embrace the concept of structure. Without structure, it is impossible to achieve stability within a D/s relationship.  and sorry to say this but seems to me

# switch: Someone who likes being both Dominant and submissive, either in one scene or on different occasions.
# Wannabe: Someone who thinks or claims to be knowledgeable about BDSM, but is not. Especially prevalent with new Doms.




_____________________________

"Do not attempt to interfere in the relationship between a man and his slave," he said. "That relationship is absolute."

(in reply to laianna)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 10:58:35 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Ron, there are days that I just love you.


Ditto


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 11:02:35 AM   
laianna


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline 		Thank You all for the support .. this has not been an easy time .. and I appricate all the responces

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 12:56:27 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		You are not wrong, people have a right to be who they are.  Your submissive is ok with seeing you as sub to your other partner.  So.. you don't have a problem with it and in fact you have a need to show it, and your sub doesn't have an issue with it.  You two are not the problem.  The "dominant" partner here is the one with the issue.   He is having problems with it because to him it looks weird. 
You then have a choice.  Push your need aside and deal with feeling unfulfilled.  Or let him know that he is the only one that is having a problem and it is his choice to let you be you, or maybe look for someone who isn't a switch.

(in reply to laianna)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I just wanna be me, is that so wrong? - 8/25/2009 1:55:20 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		My views are rather simplistic. He is the head of the household. As such, his decisions are how things are done. You then have the choice to follow them or not...with consequences for both.

My, perhaps more in depth, question is: Are you happy in a relationship that is a constant struggle?

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to laianna)
Profile   Post #: 12
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