RE: When clients think they're friends...really?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: When clients think they're friends...really?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: When clients think they're friends...really?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 8/31/2009 6:05:18 PM

MistressWolfen

Posts: 578
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

I agree with most that posted today. Ignore the tosser.

_____________________________

Quoth the raven

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 8/31/2009 11:36:54 PM

YesMistressIrish

Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline

I have found lifestyle subs to be the same way. Fantasy vs reality and people who just won't go away.

I like the word "Assholian' and have used it for years.

Glad you're feeling better boijen,

Irish

(in reply to MistressWolfen)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/1/2009 5:00:38 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

Here's my question Ladies...how the fuck do you get rid of these needy types who border on stalker without compromising yourselves?

Do I do anything else? Did I already do too much?

This is just really bugging me as this guy continues to overstep the boundaries set by victimizing himself as a "abandoned friend" instead of a rejected, inappropriate, client.

boi

[Mod Note: reference to other user removed]

All I can do is repeat to you the most ignored piece of advice on the web. (shrug) It also happens to be the best. Don't become so involved in any Scene, online or offline, to the extent that this sort of shit really bothers you. When you notice yourself responding this highly, it's a danger sign. You're too involved, you're way too obsessed with what other people think.

A more normal response to something like that is just to laugh it off and think, "who cares what others think or say about me or mine? Those that do are not worth my time and anyone who would believe the idle gossip of a total stranger is also not worth my time." You can't control what others say or do. So why even bother? Verbal yatter is not "stalking." Physical proximity is, and if it bothers your mistress enough she can take out a restraining order on the guy. If you can't have that sort response naturally and immediately to triva like this, it may be a sign that your life is frustrating and boring in many senses and that you actually need mini-dramas like this to keep yourself entertained. It would be secretly rather ego-gratifiying, I would think, to have a mistress so wanted by others that they would be willing to spew all over the web about supposed rejection. Or maybe that's just me projecting. (shrug)

Bottom Line: anyone can say anything about you and if let it get to you, it'll drive you temporarily mad. Withdrawing completely and cold-turkey from the communities through which this gossip is transmitted is usually the best first step toward a cure of the problem (that is inside you). And if someone really oversteps the line, consult a lawyer about a libel or slander suit.

I'm not talking about you specifically by the way. Nor am I talking about anyone else. I'm speaking from first-person experience. :( Unfortunately, I only learned not to sweat the small stuff by undergoing genuine hardship, genuine loss. By the time I really realized, in my heart and gut, as well as my head, what trival, ego-flattering, and entirely unessential crap all this social drama stuff is, it was far too late. I hope that you never face such a learning experience.

I also agree with DarkSteven. If you must do the social minuette (and again, I do believe that in the long run this is a big mistake unless for some reason it is thrust upon you and you cannot avoid it), well, people that emotional can easily be used as pawns, as straight-men, as bit actors to show off your best qualities. They're virtually throwing themselves at you and shouting, "Use me! Make me look foolish!" You do by being the bigger, the more mature person, not by responding in kind with your own ranting and finger pointing.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/1/2009 8:47:14 AM

JustStephen

Posts: 61
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline

oops wrong person!

(in reply to BoiJen)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/1/2009 8:49:52 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JustStephen

oops wrong person!

I don't think the other half would appreciate me writing this in his name!

I said

BoiJen I have had this happen to me more than once.
The trouble with making friends with clients is that you will end up with the odd stalker that believes there could be something more than friendship. I mean why would a Mistress want to be friends if its not some sort of come on?!?!
Just like this guy, when the truth dawns on them they turn vindictive and make a bloody nuisance of themselves. The best thing you can do is ignore them and keep on ignoring them till they get bored and go away.

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 9/1/2009 9:00:43 AM >

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to JustStephen)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/1/2009 8:54:20 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

I think we're on the get bored and go away part now.

What I'm gathering, from Ma'am's recollection of thins as She has no reason to lie (lol), is She was friendly, not friends with this guy. If She was working (nilla job) and they were online She'd chat here and there, other than that he paid for Her time. He sawHer maybe three times.

Being friendly with clients helps them want to come back, it's a good idea as far as business goes, this guy clearly couldn't tell the difference between friend and friendly.

We're discussing boundaries and how to prevent this from happening again, as She has found a dungeon here to operate out of.

Any suggestions on preventative measures?

boi

_____________________________

Clips of MsKitty doin' stuff to me. Support the fan club, buy a clip today.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/1/2009 9:13:43 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

I think we're on the get bored and go away part now.

What I'm gathering, from Ma'am's recollection of thins as She has no reason to lie (lol), is She was friendly, not friends with this guy. If She was working (nilla job) and they were online She'd chat here and there, other than that he paid for Her time. He sawHer maybe three times.

Being friendly with clients helps them want to come back, it's a good idea as far as business goes, this guy clearly couldn't tell the difference between friend and friendly.

We're discussing boundaries and how to prevent this from happening again, as She has found a dungeon here to operate out of.

Any suggestions on preventative measures?

boi

I agree that if you are pro then you need to be friendly towards clients but I also know from experience that this sort of thing happens now and again and there seems to be very little one can do to stop it. At the end of the day your dealing with infatuation and infatuation does funny things to people including making them believe there could be something when clearly that is not the case.
I had one guy who spent his time writing good reviews about me. His excuse to constantly phone me was so that I could check his reviews before publishing! He was always very insistent that he wanted to be friends but then one day he was introduced to my partner and he kind of flipped from friend to mad man! He then proceeded to write me a lengthy letter saying he knew where I lived (my chambers were not in my house) and that he knew what school my children went to.
I was obviously concerned and spoke to a few close friends. It was suggested that I coerced him round where some heavies would be waiting to seriously frighten him but my final reaction was to tell him to do his worst and what ever he did the friendship was now null and void. I then had umpteen voice messages of him crying and apologizing and I ignored all of them.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to BoiJen)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/1/2009 9:55:41 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

She did have one psycho client a few years back, now referred to as crazy gardener guy. Crazy gardener guy came to Her home and killed Her rose bush. At some point in time he had been picked up cruising around another pro's home with several knives, some rope and a shovel in his trunk. She only found this out after the fact. There had been several restraining orders, again known after the fact, and jail time served for breaking them.

Recently, She's been getting blocked phone calls and voicemail messages in the creepy stalkerish way. I'm unsure if it was crazy gardener guy or this guy.

Now, not all Her clients are crazy. There's one I'm actually quite fond of cuz he's a decent man who has taken his personal time and money to help Ma'am without expectation of anything return. Flakey at times, but a good guy.

Anyways, it's often hard to get references from these guys when it comes to who they've seen before, and it's even harder to get other ProDommes to talk about their clients unless they're friends with the person asking. There's one website with a black list, or there was, but I don't always think that's the way to go (besides it's mostly no shows not crazy fucks).

So, a question to the pros out there, what can "we" do? (I say "we" cuz I filter Her messages and am often the first and most consistent point of contact for them, and I think this may cut down on the crap in and of itself)

boi

_____________________________

Clips of MsKitty doin' stuff to me. Support the fan club, buy a clip today.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/1/2009 10:26:40 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

So, a question to the pros out there, what can "we" do? (I say "we" cuz I filter Her messages and am often the first and most consistent point of contact for them, and I think this may cut down on the crap in and of itself)

boi

Your doing one really good thing already and that is acting as her secretary/receptionist. The best thing I ever did when running a dungeon was to have a secretary/receptionist because she dealt with all the crap that I would of otherwise had to deal with. Its also good for a client to see that a Mistress has staff. They have been seen by another, there are two of you and there is no doubt that there is safety in numbers.
I also think the presence of a secretary/receptionist gives the impression of professionalism. It shows a clear cut business and not someone just doing this as a bit of a sideline.
In the UK we do have a circle that informs us if there is a predatory or unsafe client in our area. Its certainly worth finding other Mistresses in your area and giving them a courtesy call to warn them. At the end of the day these women want to be safe and will appreciate a warning call. You could even say that you are building up a safety network within a 50 mile area of them.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to BoiJen)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/1/2009 11:25:41 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

I've noticed that quite a few pro-dommes on CM's lists do a lot of 'travelling'. This would have the very useful side-effect of their 'only being in a particular client's area' for a specific (number of) day(s) per week/month. A great frustration for obsessives, because they don't like to have to wait. Just a thought.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/1/2009 5:38:14 PM

sissy2screw

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/5/2007
Status: offline

< Austin Powers looks into suitcase of what's her name and stares at the sealed and labled bags of clothing>

" NERD ALERT !!!! "

(in reply to BoiJen)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/1/2009 10:06:41 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

~FR~

Jen.. sorry this guy is being a twat.

Warmest regards to you and Ms Kitty.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to sissy2screw)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/2/2009 5:49:19 AM

MsKittyBlack

Posts: 63
Joined: 3/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

~FR~

Jen.. sorry this guy is being a twat.

Warmest regards to you and Ms Kitty.

Thanks. I'll pass it along. Like I said, my biggest issue is the boundary thing and we're working on dealing with that on a general basis. So...yeah.

I'll let you know when we're up your way again ;-)

boi

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Profile

Post #: 33

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/2/2009 5:50:14 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

Goddamned cookies

_____________________________

Clips of MsKitty doin' stuff to me. Support the fan club, buy a clip today.

(in reply to MsKittyBlack)

Profile

Post #: 34

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/2/2009 6:39:06 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

We're discussing boundaries and how to prevent this from happening again, as She has found a dungeon here to operate out of.

Any suggestions on preventative measures?

boi

My first thought would be to maintain a total separation between that part of my life and the rest. Nothing from the pro side would be allowed to infiltrate. Different name and identity. No one from the pro side would know my real name, my address, nothing. They wouldn't know were my rose bush was, to be able to kill it.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to BoiJen)

Profile

Post #: 35

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/2/2009 7:32:09 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

Yeah, the separate location thing won't be an issue anymore.

_____________________________

Clips of MsKitty doin' stuff to me. Support the fan club, buy a clip today.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Profile

Post #: 36

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/2/2009 9:38:13 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
My first thought would be to maintain a total separation between that part of my life and the rest. Nothing from the pro side would be allowed to infiltrate. Different name and identity. No one from the pro side would know my real name, my address, nothing. They wouldn't know were my rose bush was, to be able to kill it.

I agree with this. In fact, even as a lifestyle Domme, this is something of how I managed things for years. Only the people that I had actual friendships or dynamics with knew where I lived or My real name. People who I was just acquaintances with or just knew Me from the club never got that kind of information. I can't tell you how much trouble I know doing things that way has saved Me over the years.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Profile

Post #: 37

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/2/2009 9:59:13 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

That 'separation of identities' was what I was havering towards. If not a real geographical separation, too, then at least the appearance of one.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to LadyPact)

Profile

Post #: 38

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/2/2009 10:06:40 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

It's not often that clients are willing to pay for plane tickets, though it does happen. Conveniently, though, the dungeon now available to MsKitty is in another city.

_____________________________

Clips of MsKitty doin' stuff to me. Support the fan club, buy a clip today.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Profile

Post #: 39

RE: When clients think they're friends...really? - 9/2/2009 10:15:24 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

Oh no, I wasn't thinking of that. More like, "I'm only in this city once a fortnight. The rest of the time I'm travelling, so you'll have to keep to this or that day each fortnight.". Later, if she comes to trust a given client, she can arrange to be 'in his home city' more frequently. But, gawd, this isn't something of which I'm greatly experienced (!). . . just a thought.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to BoiJen)

Profile

Post #: 40