RE: Ego, career and being a sub

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SilentSpark -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/5/2009 12:55:00 PM)
eyesopened: Thank you for the insight! Being a submissive is a very private matter for me, and I'm not comfortable talking the specifics online. But I know I'm submissive, I want to obey to serve and to submit completely to my partner's will. There's something that always pulls me back to this lifestyle, I tried to cut if off, but I found myself constantly coming back. So I started to realize i can't really fight with my nature. But submission is also very scary. I'm a person with great self control over my own action and emotion. And the simple idea of letting go is scare as well as fascinating. During my past experience, I had been through some of the best and worst times in my life. The situation you describe sounds like something I can deal with. balancing between career, family and a dom. So it can be done and people can find happiness with it~ thank you for giving me some hope.

leadership527 -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/5/2009 1:30:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SilentSpark The situation you describe sounds like something I can deal with. balancing between career, family and a dom. So it can be done and people can find happiness with it~ thank you for giving me some hope. You know Spark, no matter what sort of relationship you select... vanilla, D/s, M/s, other?... there will always be the need to balance between various aspects of your life. The only real question is who is doing that balancing. Since Carol and I go in for TPE, I end up doing the balancing in her life. But things still need to get balanced.

nevergrowdup -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/5/2009 4:24:11 PM)
OP, I've been struggling with the same thoughts myself. I have a career for many reasons ... not only financial but because I love the challenge and the interactions with people. I also put a priority on my kids. Any D/s relationship comes third behind those two aspects of my life. Which may explain why I am still in the "ISO" category. If people at work heard I was into BDSM and would have to guess if I was a Domme or submissive, they would surely guess Domme. I'm outspoken, take-charge, will not back down from things that I believe in. And yet, I feel that deep down I have a submissive nature. I hear that a lot of subs (particularly male) have high powered careers and turn to submission as a means of escape from the stressors in their life. I think a lot of that holds true for me. Even when I was married, I was the one who wore the pants in the house. That was out of necessity, not choice. Perhaps part of my challenge in finding Master Right is knowing that he will have to be someone that I can look up to. I will only be able to submit if I can totally trust and respect him. Damn these high standards!

lally2 -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/5/2009 5:19:58 PM)
sorry, my whiplash is playing me up, so ive just fast tracked to a response without reading everyones answers, so sorry if im repeating what others have said to you. i have a son, i have a business, i run my own life (badly much of the time, but i do) i have animals, i have a life. i am also a slave type hoping to soon enter a TPE relationship. there is no conflict atall with any of this, but genuinely, you need to find profiles with a little more reality going on in there and less fantasy led nonsense. we all have a life, we all live in the real world and when you start talking to a guy who recognises that, chances are youre talking to someone who has a good handle on how it all works. good luck xx

SilentSpark -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/6/2009 1:47:11 PM)
Thanks guys~ It really helped a lot to keep my spirit high. Although... i doubt I'll find that perfect man any time soon, but at least I know it is possible.

firmlove -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/6/2009 9:44:16 PM)
This is a very good post. I think it is hard to handle, if and only if you bring work home. However, there are instances where work must come home, and that would be very very hard to balance. I know I have to be the "Alpha" male in the work place, due to the nature of social views and job preformance, however droping it at the door is easy, and a huge stress relief, but there are instances when I do have to work from home.

PlayfulWhenUsed -> Ego (9/6/2009 11:48:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SilentSpark The situation you describe sounds like something I can deal with. balancing between career, family and a dom. So it can be done and people can find happiness with it~ thank you for giving me some hope. Well, and I think the things that make you more attractive to you will also make you more attractive to other people. I mean, really, if someone is going to find your having a career to be off-putting? You need that person like you need the pernicious anemia. I will tell you that, personally, I have a career, and non-D/s activities that take up time, and (and!) an ego. And I have been spending time with a Lady recently who finds those things make me more appealing to have, rather than less. Having a career, strong family attachments, and spinal column is not a weakness; it makes you the total package.

SilentSpark -> RE: Ego (9/7/2009 12:09:57 AM)
thanks guys~ It's good to know that we subs can have ego~ and it's not a bad thing. firmlove: the problem with my job is not bringing work home, is "not being home at all" from time to time. The job demands a lot of over time especially before the deadline. But we do enjoy longer vacations after the project is done. So i guess that sort of balanced it off. PlayfulWhenUsed: I'm glad there're people out there who appreciate such personality from a sub. Reading the profiles from this site, it feels almost as if all doms are looking for a full service maid or something. And they make it sounds like it is what a "true slave" is supposed to be like. I guess I'm just still struggling to figure out my position in this lifestyle. Where do I fit in the picture, and what kind of dom I'm looking for~

DarkSteven -> RE: Ego (9/7/2009 4:33:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SilentSpark PlayfulWhenUsed: I'm glad there're people out there who appreciate such personality from a sub. Reading the profiles from this site, it feels almost as if all doms are looking for a full service maid or something. And they make it sounds like it is what a "true slave" is supposed to be like. I guess I'm just still struggling to figure out my position in this lifestyle. Where do I fit in the picture, and what kind of dom I'm looking for~ That's almost always the sign of a wanker. They've read too much bad BDSM fiction: ============== Lord Rumplesnythe stood in front of the trembling slavegirl, who had a perfect figure. The crop swished in His hand as He idly flicked it. "Silly slavegirl, you shall be Mine. Your neck shall wear My collar" - and he stroked her fine alabaster neck - "Your firm 34DD breasts shall bear My nipple rings. Your body shall display My brand. Whenever you are in any lands in My dominion, the brand will be noticed and peasants shall genuflect to you. you are to be caged and chained 24/7 in My dungeons, where you will miraculously maintain your perfect figure." ================ You simply need to quit reading once you find that it won't work, and move on to the next profile.

PlayfulWhenUsed -> RE: Ego (9/7/2009 9:42:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Lord Rumplesnythe stood in front of the trembling slavegirl, who had a perfect figure. The crop swished in His hand as He idly flicked it. "Silly slavegirl, you shall be Mine. Your neck shall wear My collar" - and he stroked her fine alabaster neck - "Your firm 34DD breasts shall bear My nipple rings. Your body shall display My brand. Whenever you are in any lands in My dominion, the brand will be noticed and peasants shall genuflect to you. you are to be caged and chained 24/7 in My dungeons, where you will miraculously maintain your perfect figure." ================ YES! I would so switch sides if I could get genuflecting peasants with a swish of my magic crop.

SilentSpark -> RE: Ego (9/7/2009 11:52:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Lord Rumplesnythe stood in front of the trembling slavegirl, who had a perfect figure. The crop swished in His hand as He idly flicked it. "Silly slavegirl, you shall be Mine. Your neck shall wear My collar" - and he stroked her fine alabaster neck - "Your firm 34DD breasts shall bear My nipple rings. Your body shall display My brand. Whenever you are in any lands in My dominion, the brand will be noticed and peasants shall genuflect to you. you are to be caged and chained 24/7 in My dungeons, where you will miraculously maintain your perfect figure." LMAO, that just made my day~~~ I'd love to know how that miracle of "perfect figure" works... So I don't need to go to the gym everyday....

DavanKael -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/7/2009 12:22:02 PM)
Can you have a huge ego, a career you're happy with, a family you support and still be a happy sub? Why wouldn't you be able to? As a high achiever, I'd say your odds are better than most! :> Davan

SilentSpark -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/7/2009 12:46:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DavanKael Can you have a huge ego, a career you're happy with, a family you support and still be a happy sub? Why wouldn't you be able to? As a high achiever, I'd say your odds are better than most! :> Davan Thanks! If there's a conflict between "dom plan a scene tonight" and "had to work overtime for a deadline", I'll most certainly pick the later. now that i know there're people who actually understand and support my career as a dom, all i need to know is how/where can I find a dom like that~ Would be great to find someone who support my passion for my job. The ego thing is much more complicated. I'm a very strong and even dominate person in life, I mean I had to when i deal with bunch of self centered designers, and each of them think his/her design is perfect ~ I guess I sometimes carry that demeanor out of work. I often joke with my lifestyle friends, that I'd make a good domme if I want to. I don't feel that I fit in with the usual sub behavior, shy, quiet, bow your head to who ever gives a stern look...LOL, no...not gonna happen. I'll look back and challenge the authority. But somehow... I know I want to have someone to challenge me, to make me obey without questioning, and makes me submit so when he does give me a stern look, I'll willingly bow my head and be quiet. I want to find someone whom I truly admire and respect, not just role play dom and sub. Is it weird to feel like that? LOL~ Maybe i hope for too much. Well, back to work, I'm rambling enough here.

DavanKael -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/7/2009 8:20:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SilentSpark Thanks! If there's a conflict between "dom plan a scene tonight" and "had to work overtime for a deadline", I'll most certainly pick the later. now that i know there're people who actually understand and support my career as a dom, all i need to know is how/where can I find a dom like that~ Would be great to find someone who support my passion for my job. The ego thing is much more complicated. I'm a very strong and even dominate person in life, I mean I had to when i deal with bunch of self centered designers, and each of them think his/her design is perfect ~ I guess I sometimes carry that demeanor out of work. I often joke with my lifestyle friends, that I'd make a good domme if I want to. I don't feel that I fit in with the usual sub behavior, shy, quiet, bow your head to who ever gives a stern look...LOL, no...not gonna happen. I'll look back and challenge the authority. But somehow... I know I want to have someone to challenge me, to make me obey without questioning, and makes me submit so when he does give me a stern look, I'll willingly bow my head and be quiet. I want to find someone whom I truly admire and respect, not just role play dom and sub. Is it weird to feel like that? LOL~ Maybe i hope for too much. Well, back to work, I'm rambling enough here. Unless said Dom is independently wealthy and has made very specific provisions for your financial welfare should the relationship go awry, he should be understanding, nay, supportive of, your need to work, I would think. Your work is clearly a part of you: someone who is partnering with you would hopefully appreciate, or at the very least, understand that. Not all submissives are simpering, beat-down creatures. There is strength in submission. One of my favorite lines form Jacqueline Carey's 'Kushiel' novels: "That which yields is not always weak." Again, you need a Dominant who appreciates that you are a formidable person. The man to whom I behaved in submission appreciated that I challenged him when playing board games (I will trash-talk 'til the cows come home), spoke to him with respect but as an equal (While being utterly confident in my deference to him), etc. I think you have some preconceived notions and also that you simply need to find one of the potentially right people for you. :> Best wishes, Davan

IrishMist -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/8/2009 5:46:35 AM)
am going to be honest; but I think that my honesty is going to get me slammed here. I read the whole thread, your responses and other responses. I have a question for you. Your career is important. You have stated that if you were given the chance to relocate to the east coast, you would do so with a moments notice. I understand that. BUT you also say that you are willing to compromise in a relationship. Are you really? Lets say you find the perfect match FOR YOU. He not only understands your need for a career, he supports it whole-heartedly. In the course of your relationship, you are offered a chance of a lifetime..meaning relocation. You both relocate; you so you can further your career, him because he truly believes in you and wants the relationship to work. Down the line, HE is offered the chance of a lifetime. But it requires relocation. What do you do? I ask because in your original post and all responses that have followed; I see you telling HIM that you will not compromise for him and relocate. I could be wrong, but that is the feeling that I get from your postings. So, I guess my real question is: When push comes to shove, and YOU are asked to give back something to the relationship; are you willing to; or does you need to be the one in control over-ride any chance at a compromise?

canukeepup -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/8/2009 6:18:44 AM)
for me i think its' simple......thru it all there is ?(should?) a balance...just finding it is the important part in picking the right ''partner'' ..........

RavenMuse -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/8/2009 6:41:48 AM)
I'm gonna sort of address irish's post from My perspective, no slamming though, she'd only enjoy it [;)] What is being said here, how it would relate if it was a girl here whom I had that spark with and We where discussing potentials it would very much depend not on the specifics, but rather the attitude. If the girl voiced her strong commitment to having a career as something she would like and hoped that any Master would allow... There would be no problem with that. If however she was stating there was no way she would 'allow' anyone to have control over certain aspect of her life, it would be a case of "good luck with that, hope you find what you are looking for.... I am not it!". But then I don't do lower level dynamics when it comes to primary relationships. It is Ownership or nothing, a 'sub' is only ever going to get as far as playpartner, only a slave is compatible for having a place in My home. (Note it doesn't make her not a submissive, many 'Doms' don't want and could'nt enter into an Ownership level Dynamic. she'd be compatable with some of them, just not with Me). As for the relacation issue. There where times in My life where I wouldn't have moved, there have been times where I had no problem doing so. That is how I ended up living in London, My girl at the time had a career oppertunity here, I wasn't tied where I was and she 'asked' if I would consider it... the decision was Mine... We moved. If a girl was more tied to her job than she was to Me then I wouldn't want her anyhow. she can submit to Me or to her boss... not both! But her submission to Me doesn't preclude Me being proud of My girl doing well in her chosen career, it just doesn't get to be a higher priority than her relationship, else... theres the door, have a nice life and a great career.... but I won't be part of either!

IrishMist -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/8/2009 7:19:00 AM)
Well, I only used the relocation issue as an example because it is something that she brought up first. I am a firm believer in compromise. And I firmly believe, no matter what else is stated; that anyone...ABSOLUTLY ANYONE...who is serious about their own relationship; will compromise at one time or another; male/female/Dominant/submissive/slave...if they want their relationship to work; they will compromise so that everyone is happy. You might not get EVERYTHING you wanted; but the compromise is one that satisfies everyone. I don't know the op; I have never met her. All I have to base my thoughts and opinions on are her words here. From what I have read, my understanding is that SHE is expecting HIM to make all the concessions FOR HER. That's not a healthy relaltionship. Nor would it be a healthy relationship if it was reversed ( her making all the concessions for him ). I would like to hope that what I am understanding from her postings is NOT what she is actually conveying. quote: I'm gonna sort of address irish's post from My perspective, no slamming though, she'd only enjoy it LOL Master Raven you know me wayyyyyyyyyyyy to well. Dayum. [:o]

maia09 -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/8/2009 8:18:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven OP, you state that it is important for you to have the flexibility to move on a moment's notice if needed. As MasterSlaveLA pointed out, that's not an issue with D/s relationships as much as an issue with ANY relationships. What if your Dom were to do the same to you? His mother was sick, so he told you that both of you were relocating to Michigan to be with her? In what I consider to be the ideal D/s relationship, if an issue arises, the Dom will make his submissive explain her take on the situation and what she wants to do and why. He will also explain his take and his hoped-for course of action. Then he will decide what he thinks is best. His submissive will not always be happy with his decisions, but she will yield to them. If you don't think you could live with the above, then the question arises - why is it that you identify as a submissive? Is it just in the bedroom? Yep yep yep. i find myself asking that same question of the OP. What does being submissive mean? i guess to many it means submitting to what it is you want anyway. Personally, i don't define that as submission, but that's me. Also OP your definition of ego is certainly not one i relate with. i am a slave, as a slave i don't find myself wishing to place conditions and ultimatums on my Owner. i realize there are many levels of submission, but i think it's a good idea to really understand oneself first before committing to anyone seriously. However, i know in life we can create whatever it is we want. Yet the mind is a trickster and doesn't always deliver in reality what appears so appealing in fantasy.

RavenMuse -> RE: Ego, career and being a sub (9/8/2009 9:49:30 AM)
Well I don't even see it as 'compromise', I see it as simply being realistic. It is My decision, she is My property and if it isn't to My detriment but it improves her life then why wouldn't I? If there is a down side to Me then that has to be weighed against the upside to her and to the relationship, how that looks to Me will determine which decision I make. The one thing applicable to My situation which is not the case in many others, others with a lower level dynamic. Is there is no compromise where it comes to the amount of control, if she needs to retain control over any part of her life then she isn't compatible with Me. Quite a different issue than if she will have a career or not, just whether the girl calls the shots or I do... even if We make the same end decision. As for slamming you... damn that overgrown duckpond being in the way [;)]

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