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housemouseinoz -> A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 7:32:57 AM)

I am about to be taught a valuable lesson on expectations. For the past 2 months I feel I have been spiralling out of control, and little by little I have taken back my submission and control. Is that gasps of horror I hear?

As insane as this will sound, I probably didn't realise I was/had done it, until my Sir put it to me the other night, He asked that I write an essay of sorts, as to why I had done it, and what the trigger was. He also said he knows he allowed me to take both back, but I wasn't able to answer that part. Although he did give me the answer tonight, for the curious few, he allowed it, as he felt if he didn't then I was going to do the flight thing and run, instead of face things.

I've been feeling he has been unhappy with me, and that no matter what I did, it was wrong, so I got to the point of, 'shit why bother at all', if I do, it's wrong if I don't, it's wrong.

He did the penny for your thoughts tonight, so I gave him half a dozen instances where I felt this has happened. Damn, he had the answer :-) he didn't actually ever ask me to do any of the things I'd been trying to do, and be perfect while I did them. I strive for perfection, that's unrealistic, I know that, but I do it anyway. So I've been blaming him, for an expectation I put on myself, and when I failed, I blamed him.........sigh. Almost like setting tasks for myself, and blaming Him when I didn't achieve what I wanted.

He has said for the next week, he is giving me my freedom, I can wear what I want, go where I want, do what I want. It is a lesson, and He has put it in place, cause without doubt I'll repeat my behaviour of trying to be perfect, but this time I won't be able to blame him.

I was concerned when posting this, that I may get told I'm not a true or good sub, I think I'll be ok if that happens :-) for at the end of the day, I'm human, turns out a human with flaws!!! As He said to me, He is ok giving me my freedom, as he knows, He could still command me, and I would do it.

We have some work ahead of us I know, but it's nice to know that with His help we have now identified the Why, How and Where I started to pull back.

Anyone else ever done anything similar? Thanks for reading.



TwistedHeart74 -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 7:44:50 AM)


It took me awhile to figure out that I'm not perfect, that the house will not be perfect either.
The thing I keep in the back of my mind is that it's OK to have flaws and it's better to do your best than to stress yourself and him out by having unrealistic expectations. I think most (see...MOST not ALL) submissive/slave types are extremely hard on themselves. We want to do our best all the time and if we falter at one little thing we stress and stress and stress.
Your Sir sounds like a wise man [:)]
Take this time to look deep within yourself, be brutally honest with yourself. Is it possible you feel insecure in your relationship with your Sir? Are you trying to pick apart your relationship? Not on purpose, but perhaps subconsciously?
I think that sometimes we shut down or lash out because we're afraid of being hurt, so why not get that part out of the way? It's a way of letting past issues affect current relationships. I'm not saying that's the case for you, but it's a thought. I know there have been times in my life where I self sabotaged a relationship for that very reason. It took me being utterly honest with myself and figuring out WHY I was doing it to help me STOP doing it.
Anyway, hope that helps [:)]



DesFIP -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 8:28:37 AM)

I've got to tell you, it annoys me no end when he sits back and watches what's going on without telling me. Because if I have a problem and can't identify it, I would much rather he interfere and inform me of it. Preferably while holding me.

I was getting bitchy one day, worse and worse as the day went on. When he finally told me, I was so angry that he hadn't said something earlier.

These days he doesn't wait for me to identify the problem, he tells me of my behavior and then gives me a few minutes to try to see why.

Not a matter of expectations so I can't speak to that part. But I have made it clear that I really want to know sooner not later when he sees things. Because if he stops it earlier, I get less wound up.



porcelaine -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 8:34:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: housemouseinoz

Anyone else ever done anything similar? Thanks for reading.


expectations have no place in submission. they are like landmines that explode without warning. expecting requires one to have a goal in mind and an projected outcome that has not occurred. since these things are crafted in your head and rarely articulated before the event commences, it is inevitable that someone will fail and disappointment and anger follows. having said this, i don't think you blamed him for your failures in the manner you're suggesting. perhaps you were pushing yourself all along because you wanted something from him that you weren't receiving, so you took matters into your own hands.

theoretically you know you're not perfect and there are only twenty-four hours in a day to accomplish a task. i wonder if you considered this when you created them. did you give yourself latitude or maintain a strict schedule instead? both have merits and it depends on whether time management is your forte or nemesis. if it is the latter then perhaps a tightened belt is best. it is my sense that this has more to do with you than with him. some people simply prefer being controlled, and view this under the guise of tasks and busyness.

perhaps a more realistic option would involve a discussion where you share the things you're hoping to do or accomplish. some you may have ownership of, others he might, or perhaps he will monitor them all. it would seem odd that your anger towards him stems from situations you created on your own outside of his domain. which leads me to think that this is really about your need to be perfect and your inability to cope with failure when it occurs. there's also another side of this as well. it is possible that you set yourself up to fail all along. as the pattern unfolded you didn't stop, but kept going. which means you'd need to consider why you created a situation that would lead to self sabotage. whatever you got out of maintaining this was worth the havoc it would wreak to continue, and in the end you got his attention.

as for the spiral and why he allowed it. one of the most important lessons a submissive will learn is how to listen to her internal voice. he cannot be there every moment of the day to keep you on pace. you must be willing to confront your behavior and thinking processes head on, and consider the ramifications your actions will have. you are your own bodyguard and he depends on you to take care of this when he is unable to do so. which means you stop, even when those internal mechanisms and fears may be egging you on. you remember who you are and what that means and make that the bigger priority. in essence you're doing it not only for yourself, but for him as well. best of luck.

porcelaine



happylittlepet -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 9:05:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

expectations have no place in submission. they are like landmines that explode without warning. expecting requires one to have a goal in mind and an projected outcome that has not occurred. since these things are crafted in your head and rarely articulated before the event commences, it is inevitable that someone will fail and disappointment and anger follows



I have some question marks with regard to the first sentence of this quote. "Bad sub/slave for not having mastered that one (yet)"  [;)]. 

Her Master says in his own profile that he is relatively new to 24/7. Maybe that explains some things. 

From the OP: this has gone on for 2 months... Wow. That is quite a long time to not be corrected/address the issue etc. What has any deep communication between those two be about in those 2 months then instead (not that I want to know, just making a point)?

If the OP is not supposed to have expectations, how about expecting that her Master takes care of everything he comes across in the dynamic? He expected from her that she would figure what goes 'wrong' out by her self? What if she didn't expect that he wanted her to do that? 

How about expecting not to get hurt or neglected?

Sorry for harping on 'expectations', but as always: work on a deep connection first, keep working on it, be both able and allowed to voice anything that comes up/bothers you. What is the relationship about? Is it 'us' or is it 'me' and 'you'.

As far as blaming the Master goes, maybe due to lack of guidance the OP was 'allowed' to go off on her own course?

I would like to see input from your partner here [:)]. As usual we get part of the story, and our responses cannot be but limited, based on our own experiences, and some information learned here.

Best of luck to both of you [:)].

 



porcelaine -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 11:31:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: happylittlepet

I have some question marks with regard to the first sentence of this quote. "Bad sub/slave for not having mastered that one (yet)"  [;)]. 

Sorry for harping on 'expectations', but as always: work on a deep connection first, keep working on it, be both able and allowed to voice anything that comes up/bothers you. What is the relationship about? Is it 'us' or is it 'me' and 'you'.


i view expectations from the mindset of slavery, which in my experience and circumstances has vast differences from what others may do. some of the concepts are found in eastern teachings, in particular the law of detachment. i will share something i wrote that hopefully shines light on this. if you have questions please feel free to ask. i don't mind. [;)]

my desires and hopes in regard to my relationships are not expectations, but mutual elements we don’t wish to live without. while we may each enter the pairing with our own, we discuss them openly to be certain that we're on the same page and aren't heading off in opposite directions. if there's an item on my list or his that raises a question for the other party, it is addressed at that time. this is wonderful in theory, but life isn't that simple and the unexpected can and will arise. people are apt to change their opinions, point of view, or desires at a given moment.

if i attach myself to a particular outcome at some point i’m going to be disappointed and depending on the circumstances truly disheartened. i've unwittingly set myself up for this by depending on the outcome beforehand. we each make plans with the understanding that they can change and alternate methods are often required. which means we go back to the drawing board. when i failed to keep this in mind going in and assumed that things would proceed in a certain fashion, it inevitably led to pain, resentment, frustration, and more tears than i care to recount.

it is counterproductive to me as a person, self destructive on many levels, and very harmful to the slave mindset and the dynamic. it places undue pressure on everyone to perform as stated/expected or whatever notion we’ve attached ourselves to. i reached a point where i accepted it was out of my hands and holding out for an outcome i'd pre-designed was a recipe for failure. i made peace with the fact that life offers no guarantee. when i released this and simply allowed things to unfold as they should and chose to live in the moment, not moments ahead, i found real joy, tranquility, and derived greater respect and appreciation from my relationships and experiences.

i am truly happy. it is not dependent on my partner or anyone else for that matter. but something i developed within. i see my relations with others as additional opportunities to serve and grow. i believe reciprocity is important and we should leave a positive imprint on the lives we touch. i find that my ability to do so is greatly heightened the more i remove myself from the equation and focus on them and their needs instead. which leads to deeper surrender and the development of selflessness.

porcelaine



happylittlepet -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 12:00:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

expectations have no place in submission. they are like landmines that explode without warning. expecting requires one to have a goal in mind and an projected outcome that has not occurred. since these things are crafted in your head and rarely articulated before the event commences, it is inevitable that someone will fail and disappointment and anger follows



quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: happylittlepet

I have some question marks with regard to the first sentence of this quote. "Bad sub/slave for not having mastered that one (yet)"  [;)]. 

Sorry for harping on 'expectations', but as always: work on a deep connection first, keep working on it, be both able and allowed to voice anything that comes up/bothers you. What is the relationship about? Is it 'us' or is it 'me' and 'you'.


i view expectations from the mindset of slavery, which in my experience and circumstances has vast differences from what others may do. some of the concepts are found in eastern teachings, in particular the law of detachment. i will share something i wrote that hopefully shines light on this. if you have questions please feel free to ask. i don't mind. [;)]



Your first statement about submission/expectations was an absolute, your second come from your personal experiences. Not every M/s couple sees those expectations as landmines.

Thanks for the offer, but I prefer making my own journey.



XaviersXian -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 12:11:56 PM)

greetings to all,

OP, I've been in a similar situation; my Master actually once freed me for a week because I wasn't serving as I should, and was quite messed up.  I came back to him within two days, and begged my collar back; I might have been acting like it was the best thing on earth, but internally, I just couldn't hack being free of his control.  I was at such a loose end...

On another topic (I read your profile) please feel free to cmail me if you need advice, support or just someone to rant at; I remember what it was like being new.

well wishes,



Kalista07 -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 12:34:01 PM)

This is just the truth for me....It does not mean anyone else has to believe it, has to buy into it, has to agree to it, or anything else... It works for me, i'm able to live comfortably in my own skin...i'm able to sleep at night...
In my life...Expectations generally equates to premeditated resentments.... Having said that however, i have also come to the conclusion that it's very important for me to keep my expectations (like everything else in my life) in balance... If my expectations are too high i'm going to be sadly and drastically disappointed (and end up resentful), which essentially i set the stage for....However on the other end of the spectrum is if i set my expectations too low...my experience with this is i end up accepting unacceptable behavior...
Furthermore, regarding all that crap about you not being a true or good sub/slave or whatever else... It would really be in your best interest to just set that stuff aside...i can not tell you how long i allowed that stuff to keep me paralyzed... i continued to be so paralyzed by the fear of not being perfect and all that other stuff of what people would say and think.....And in the end, it finally occured to me that none of it mattered...What really mattered was what the man who's eyes i looked into thought of me....
Kali



daintydimples -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 1:39:44 PM)

Anyone else ever done anything similar? Thanks for reading.

Yes. For years I was my own worst critic. It took me almost 40 years to be my own best advocate.

It really is all about changing how you think about you. You are what you think. You can still hold yourself to exacting standards.But you need to work on changing that inner mind tape from "woe is me, I did not achieve my goal" to "good for me, look at what high goals I aspire to."

It takes time, but make it a goal to aspire to.

Best of luck.





BoundDragon -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 1:40:12 PM)

I have terrible personality flaws... the one that seems to annoy my sir the most is when I explain myself for every single question he asks even if it is a closed question.
I am trying to learn he does not need a life story every single time

I put myself down a lot and do get a telling off for that too. I think I'm getting better though and with sir's help I'm believing in myself more and more.

I do so hate it when he points out when I am doing wrong and I can be quite a brat in return but in the end I do accept it and I do so want to get better



porcelaine -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 1:43:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: happylittlepet

Your first statement about submission/expectations was an absolute, your second come from your personal experiences. Not every M/s couple sees those expectations as landmines.

Thanks for the offer, but I prefer making my own journey.


as i originally stated i view it from a different aspect than others may. it clearly works for me and i have found other persons like myself who follow similar paths employ the same line of thinking. at no point did i suggest you needed to adhere to this at all. as each couple is different and must find what works best for them. but for the path i tred and the dynamic i follow, who's goal is internal enslavement. expectations are things we seek to release to permit a deeper surrender. perhaps expectations are not an issue for you, but in my years of mentoring i've found the topic comes up quite frequently.

porcelaine



Lockit -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 2:32:49 PM)

Expectations and projections are something that happen a lot. Some of it is welcome and some not and I am sure that depends on who is involved. This is something I address right away in a relationship for many reasons and continue to address it as needed. Whether the expectations come from within or from a former dominant or partner in life and from life experiences, doesn't matter, it has to be addressed for the comfort and well being of the individual and the relationship.

From the emotional to the physical, I've found that expectations can become a huge problem if allowed to continue. It isn't something you can just say... don't do that. You have to get into why you are doing it, why it is happening and that takes both focusing on it all in a supportive and loving manner and if any correction is needed, I will personally do it in a supportive fashion, but sometimes you have to make an impression and be a bit more firm.

I've seen this manifest in ways that many would call topping. To me a lot of it has to do with wounds or trust issues... whether the trust be a personal thing or for the partner. I see it as a way to really get fine tuned to one another, know one another well and brings out a lot of wonderful things if both are willing and able to work through it all.

There are good expectations and I would never want to change those... but some are just whittling down a person or a relationship and it is really sad when they can't be worked out because it will lead to it continuing in future relationships in ways that may be more severe or harmful.



oceanwyndsLoves -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 3:41:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Expectations and projections are something that happen a lot. Some of it is welcome and some not and I am sure that depends on who is involved. This is something I address right away in a relationship for many reasons and continue to address it as needed. Whether the expectations come from within or from a former dominant or partner in life and from life experiences, doesn't matter, it has to be addressed for the comfort and well being of the individual and the relationship.

From the emotional to the physical, I've found that expectations can become a huge problem if allowed to continue. It isn't something you can just say... don't do that. You have to get into why you are doing it, why it is happening and that takes both focusing on it all in a supportive and loving manner and if any correction is needed, I will personally do it in a supportive fashion, but sometimes you have to make an impression and be a bit more firm.

I've seen this manifest in ways that many would call topping. To me a lot of it has to do with wounds or trust issues... whether the trust be a personal thing or for the partner. I see it as a way to really get fine tuned to one another, know one another well and brings out a lot of wonderful things if both are willing and able to work through it all.

There are good expectations and I would never want to change those... but some are just whittling down a person or a relationship and it is really sad when they can't be worked out because it will lead to it continuing in future relationships in ways that may be more severe or harmful.


Thank you for your wise words, all of them and especially the one i outline in red, Lockit.
By the way I love your new picture.
Blessings
oceanwynds



housemouseinoz -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 5:00:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: happylittlepet


I have some question marks with regard to the first sentence of this quote. "Bad sub/slave for not having mastered that one (yet)"  [;)]. 

Her Master says in his own profile that he is relatively new to 24/7. Maybe that explains some things. 

From the OP: this has gone on for 2 months... Wow. That is quite a long time to not be corrected/address the issue etc. What has any deep communication between those two be about in those 2 months then instead (not that I want to know, just making a point)?

If the OP is not supposed to have expectations, how about expecting that her Master takes care of everything he comes across in the dynamic? He expected from her that she would figure what goes 'wrong' out by her self? What if she didn't expect that he wanted her to do that? 

How about expecting not to get hurt or neglected?

Sorry for harping on 'expectations', but as always: work on a deep connection first, keep working on it, be both able and allowed to voice anything that comes up/bothers you. What is the relationship about? Is it 'us' or is it 'me' and 'you'.

As far as blaming the Master goes, maybe due to lack of guidance the OP was 'allowed' to go off on her own course?

I would like to see input from your partner here [:)]. As usual we get part of the story, and our responses cannot be but limited, based on our own experiences, and some information learned here.

Best of luck to both of you [:)].

 


Thank you for your reply :-) I didn't want to make the original post overly long, sometimes when they are as long as an essay, people get bored reading them :-) So much was left out, and I gave a brief outline.

Just to clarify, he didn't leave me to flounder over those two months, he tried to address the issues many times, and the more he tried the more I would withdraw, spat at him like a feral cat. Perhaps it was the method he was using, perhaps I wasn't ready to face it, I do not know. Last night he did it with a different tact, and I listened, and he was able to help me see it clearly. God bless him for his patience, I am sure I have been a nightmare to live with, he deserves a gold star.

My first day of freedom! I woke up, got out of bed, did my ritual, put the coffee pot on, went to back to bed and snuggled in, offered to run his shower, made him breakfast. The only thing different this morning was, I did not ask him if I could serve him, instead told him I loved him.

He read the reply's over breakfast, he may put his bit in here, we shall see. He is not as new to this lifestyle as I am. I am 8 months in, he is about 5 years (or close to).

housemouse




housemouseinoz -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 5:29:19 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TwistedHeart74


It took me awhile to figure out that I'm not perfect, that the house will not be perfect either.
The thing I keep in the back of my mind is that it's OK to have flaws and it's better to do your best than to stress yourself and him out by having unrealistic expectations. I think most (see...MOST not ALL) submissive/slave types are extremely hard on themselves. We want to do our best all the time and if we falter at one little thing we stress and stress and stress.
Your Sir sounds like a wise man [:)]
Take this time to look deep within yourself, be brutally honest with yourself. Is it possible you feel insecure in your relationship with your Sir? Are you trying to pick apart your relationship? Not on purpose, but perhaps subconsciously?
I think that sometimes we shut down or lash out because we're afraid of being hurt, so why not get that part out of the way? It's a way of letting past issues affect current relationships. I'm not saying that's the case for you, but it's a thought. I know there have been times in my life where I self sabotaged a relationship for that very reason. It took me being utterly honest with myself and figuring out WHY I was doing it to help me STOP doing it.
Anyway, hope that helps [:)]


I most certainly was feeling insecure, at the very first instance as it happened, he saw it, he tried to address it, he did his best under the circumstances, and in response, I put down the automatic shutters. I tend to remove myself from the situation (not physically) but mentally, I take myself to the happy place in the corner of my mind. It's very obvious when I do this, I'm there, but I don't listen, people may be having a conversation around me, and I am oblivious to it....this may well be another bad trait, I often use it as protection. I also have such a knack of getting something in my mind and making it HUGE.....bad......bad trait. He notices what I do is past/learn't behaviour, any doubt I have, I tend to create myself.

I've looked within, but probably not deep enough, hell the stuff that sits on the surface scares me enough. I've learnt far more in the past 8 months with my Sir (about me), than I did the 20 years I was married.

I think you nailed it when you said most (not all) are hard on ourselves.
Thank you for taking the time to share with me :-)
housemouse



housemouseinoz -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 5:34:35 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I've got to tell you, it annoys me no end when he sits back and watches what's going on without telling me. Because if I have a problem and can't identify it, I would much rather he interfere and inform me of it. Preferably while holding me.

I was getting bitchy one day, worse and worse as the day went on. When he finally told me, I was so angry that he hadn't said something earlier.

These days he doesn't wait for me to identify the problem, he tells me of my behavior and then gives me a few minutes to try to see why.

Not a matter of expectations so I can't speak to that part. But I have made it clear that I really want to know sooner not later when he sees things. Because if he stops it earlier, I get less wound up.


DesFIP, I always get something out of what you post. I told my Sir about a lady who posts that I have a lot of admiration for, funny how that comes about from reading but not physically meeting the person. You and He sound like you have something wonderful :-)
Thank you :-)



housemouseinoz -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 5:39:49 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BoundDragon

I have terrible personality flaws... the one that seems to annoy my sir the most is when I explain myself for every single question he asks even if it is a closed question.
I am trying to learn he does not need a life story every single time

I put myself down a lot and do get a telling off for that too. I think I'm getting better though and with sir's help I'm believing in myself more and more.

I do so hate it when he points out when I am doing wrong and I can be quite a brat in return but in the end I do accept it and I do so want to get better

LOL Bound, I do the same, one question will get the longest answer :-) I like to make sure I've made myself clear, and haven't missed anything out, in return, sometimes it's best to answer me in the same manner if I have a question, that way I'm clear on what the answer is, one line answers generally don't work for me! I don't respond well to being barked at, the brick wall goes up right away........sigh, old habits are so hard to break.
Thank you



housemouseinoz -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 5:51:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine



i view expectations from the mindset of slavery, which in my experience and circumstances has vast differences from what others may do. some of the concepts are found in eastern teachings, in particular the law of detachment. i will share something i wrote that hopefully shines light on this. if you have questions please feel free to ask. i don't mind. [;)]

it is counterproductive to me as a person, self destructive on many levels, and very harmful to the slave mindset and the dynamic. it places undue pressure on everyone to perform as stated/expected or whatever notion we’ve attached ourselves to. i reached a point where i accepted it was out of my hands and holding out for an outcome i'd pre-designed was a recipe for failure. i made peace with the fact that life offers no guarantee. when i released this and simply allowed things to unfold as they should and chose to live in the moment, not moments ahead, i found real joy, tranquility, and derived greater respect and appreciation from my relationships and experiences.


porcelaine


Thank you for that reply, that's it exactly, detachment now just to teach myself the things you have taught yourself, tranquillity, I can achieve when I'm in an uncomfortable situation by detaching myself. Now to teach myself to live in the moment and as you say, not moments ahead :-) So well put.



housemouseinoz -> RE: A lesson on Expectations (9/21/2009 6:00:17 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: XaviersXian

greetings to all,

OP, I've been in a similar situation; my Master actually once freed me for a week because I wasn't serving as I should, and was quite messed up.  I came back to him within two days, and begged my collar back; I might have been acting like it was the best thing on earth, but internally, I just couldn't hack being free of his control.  I was at such a loose end...

On another topic (I read your profile) please feel free to cmail me if you need advice, support or just someone to rant at; I remember what it was like being new.

well wishes,

Xian :-) thank you for the offer of offering your time for advice and support, or a rant :-) When those close to us do not know the dynamics of the relationship we are in, it makes it very hard to ask for advice, or to have them listen as we just talk, I know they wouldn't understand, and how I have chosen to live would just confuse them, I understand that :-)
Thankfully He has not removed my collar (it really doesn't come off that easily), but that is probably not His reason. He wasn't angry when He said it, in fact I think He even had a bit of a smile.

I can do without the stress I have put myself under though, it is such a self descructive behaviour :-(



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