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Mentors - 3/4/2006 5:41:35 AM

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Another post mentioned Mentors and rather then steal the thread I'm starting a new one.
~Mentors~, what are they to you?

For me, I've been Blessed with one who I've never met in person but the energy exchange we share just through a font has assisted in me in many ways. It's non
sexual, yet sensual in the fact that nothing is left out. There are no hard rules, more
an open door policy. In a way these words are somewhat of a tribute, mine's been priceless.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 5:50:49 AM

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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You are blessed Quivver sweet. A good mentor is priceless. I have has several in Gor and a couple of good ones in BDSM...

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 5:56:59 AM

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quote:

Another post mentioned Mentors and rather then steal the thread I'm starting a new one.
~Mentors~, what are they to you?

For me, I've been Blessed with one who I've never met in person but the energy exchange we share just through a font has assisted in me in many ways. It's non
sexual, yet sensual in the fact that nothing is left out. There are no hard rules, more
an open door policy. In a way these words are somewhat of a tribute, mine's been priceless.

Mentors......hmmmm
I had one here. Online too. Though we talked of meeting.
He was dominant. He was my sounding board.
His intentions were obviously not in my best interest.
He was always trying to get me to play. Big red flag for me.
Turns out though, that he had multiple profiles and was quite fake.
When confronted...he ran scared and never answered my email.
I find I do much better when I rely on my own instincts.
I don't put much faith in a mentor.
I'm sure it's appropriate for lots, but not for me.
I'm more of a loner.
Perhaps if I needed a mentor it should have been one more like me...an experienced female submissive
to compliment my inexperience instead of a shark.

< Message edited by Aileen68 -- 3/4/2006 6:34:45 AM >

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 6:01:57 AM

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You are indeed blessed. A mentor is a guide, a friend, and a challenge -- and I count myself fortunate to have had some great ones in BDSM and in my professional life. Those people are why I like to try to pay it forward, for I can never repay them for all they have done for me.

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 6:06:30 AM

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OK...my 'stock' answer on mentoring in general:

Mentoring is often a buzzword in business, industry, schools, faith based entities and leather communities but do we all mean the same thing when we talk about "mentoring"? The terms, "mentor" and "mentoring" are used rather loosely to describe a wide range of roles and activities, and so the words have come to mean different things to different people. I actually find it humorous that this language debate pertaining to the concept of mentoring is frequent worldwide in more than just leather communities. Is there a Master Webster out there who cares to revise the entire dictionary for the leather community?

Dictionaries can only help us understand what mentoring means. Look up the word, "mentor", and you will most likely find that each dictionary has a slightly different definition. Generally the definitions contain two common elements:
~Trust: The mentor is a trusted individual
~Experience: The mentor is more experienced than the mentee and freely shares that experience with the mentee.

Now look at your thesaurus, and you will find that a mentor can also be thought of as a:
~Friend
~Advisor
~Coach
~Guide
~Teacher
~Role model

The origin of the word ‘Mentor’ can also be useful in defining mentoring. Greek Mythology holds the history of the word ‘Mentor’. Odysseus, the hero of Homer's Iliad, left home to fight in the Trojan War. Odysseus had a son, Telemachus. While Odysseus was off at war, the goddess of domestic arts, Athena, disguised herself as an old man, and became Telemachus' guardian and teacher. Her name was "Mentor".

The modern use of the term mentoring more likely comes from the work of 18th century French writer Fenelon who was also an educator. In addition, African scholars have noted that mentors were commonplace in Africa, long before the ancient Greek civilization.

Leaving the wordsmithing aside there is truly no hard and fast definition for mentoring that is supported by all. Generally it means pairing a learner with someone more senior and more experienced to offer support, encouragement and guidance. The key to mentoring is developing a one-to-one relationship with a goal of strengthening personal development. A mentor should be someone you can confide in, and ask for help in resolving a situation or making a decision. While mentoring should not be confused with coaching, counseling or training, it can contain an element of all these. A mentor is someone who acts as a role model, compatriat, challenger, guide or cheerleader.

Mentoring, no matter in what segment of society is it being practiced, is the balancing heart, mind and spirit.

Regards In Leather,
Elegant
~slave to Master Archer

Past Executive Director of an affiliate of an international youth mentoring organization

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 6:11:39 AM

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I have yet to be able to find someone who I trust and respect enough to ask to mentor me, who also has the time neccassary to commit to mentoring me. That said I have been lucky to have many great friends and advisors who are more then willing to try and answer any questions I have and dole out the advice. With out them I would truely be lost in my quest to explore my submission.

aurora

< Message edited by aurora31 -- 3/4/2006 6:12:35 AM >

(in reply to Oberonrex)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 6:27:20 AM

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Elegant, I think you nicely summed up just about everything I might have said about mentors.

The short answer might be this... did you ever have a mentor in college... a professor who's job it was to give you advice and help you sort out what you needed to be doing? Yeah... there ya go.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Elegant)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 7:12:12 AM

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I am just going to post a edited version of my reply about Mentors from a similar topic a few months back.

When I started out I was lucky enough to meet a Dom in a chat room, we became friends and from that he became my Mentor . He had me do assignments. I did papers on Trust - Respect - Poly- Discipline- Punishment- submission- Masters - Mentors etc.etc. I worked very hard. Every week was another assignment that would really make me Think and Research for every thing I could find on the subject. Then he would ask me to include what I thought of what I had read and the information I had found, what was my opinion on it. What did I learn from it.

Although it has been awhile since I last spoke to my Mentor/Friend, I will always praise him and believe I am where and who I am today because of his guidance, commitment to my learning and care. He taught me to think for myself, taught me never to doubt in my abilites or who I am. taught me that I craved to learn and 10 yrs later I still have that craving. my Mentor was my friend, confidant, teacher, and because of him I found me. I have never since that time ever doubted who I am. I gained the courage to talk to my hub about everything because trust and honesty was so very important. He was never out for himself, I trusted him and he never steered me wrong.

I hold my Mentor in the highest regard. I was truly blessed to have met this Man and have him be a big part of my discovery of BDSM and self.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 7:36:27 AM

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Like swtnsparkling, i was lucky enough to meet a Dom when i was first starting out to help me get a grip on who i was and where i was wanting to go. Before He and i met, i was to say the least a little misguided and lost in bad situations and with people that were strictly out for themselves. He took me under his wing, protected me and taught me about the different aspects of this lifestyle through assignments and constantly quizzing me on what i had read either through forums or books. i think over the time i spent with Him, i asked and re-asked about one million questions. His guidance, care and in his own way, love is what helped me get my head on straight. He did teach me to think for myself, question everything and to NOT be afraid of communicating what i want, need or desire. i am grateful to have been blessed with that time with Him, without it i dont think i would have been in the right state of mind to be in the relationship i have now.

_____________________________

Proud Partner to PlayfulOne

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 8:00:23 AM

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i have Mentors - T/they are a sounding board for me, offer suggestions, protect me, but mostly T/they're friends with a common interest in this lifestyle. The bottom line is i have to follow my own heart because i'm the only one living my life. So any advice i'm given, i consider along with the realization that i'm the one who will live with the results of my decisions, regardless of W/who may have influenced those decisions.

I've also heard that a Mentor is someone W/who does not beome involved with you sexually. That's a good guidline i think.

_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 8:06:01 AM

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I had trainers for specific activities I wanted to learn how to do but a lot of folks don't like the "trainer" term for a top learning from another top so they often want to call that a mentor.

I consider mentoring though, as others have in this thread, both the physical and the psychological aspects. So if someone wants me to teach them a particular skill -- knife play, fire play, whatever, I consider that training or teaching. If they want someone to talk about BDSM with too over a longer period of time, I'd consider that being a mentor.

I have trained and mentored more than a dozen tops/doms thus far. I even organized a group of 6 newbies in my area to hang out, do some reading, talk to each other, and even had guests in to teach different skills but being a lot these were graduate level students they all moved on or got what they wanted and moved out of the group. But it was a good experience for me too.

Mostly I have friends I can talk to, folks who've been doing the owner-slave style longer than I, that I turn to now.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 8:08:07 AM

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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

Another post mentioned Mentors and rather then steal the thread I'm starting a new one.
~Mentors~, what are they to you?

I started in this lifestyle with a mentor. I have one now. I also am a mentor for a few women as well as men.

elegant summed up what a mentor is quite well, I'm not going to be repetative if I can help it.

The way to choose a mentor, IMO is to find someone that you trust and respect enough that you would share your most intimate thoughts with. Someone that you can be honest with about what it is that you want and need. Someone who will tell you the truth and not sugar coat the facts to save your feelings. And most importantly, someone that's not in your dating pool. And someone that would not consider you to be part of their dating pool.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 8:13:38 AM

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quote:

I've also heard that a Mentor is someone W/who does not beome involved with you sexually. That's a good guidline i think.

I agree Nothing sexual -This was how our Mentor/men tee relationship was. I needed to learn who I was what I wanted. I didnt need to learn about sex LOL.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to Submotive)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 8:31:40 AM

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I have several Mentors.

A male Dom who is a personal, platonic friend is one of My most important mentors.

I have mentors at work. I have mentors with regard to the ranch.

My dearest mentor is My sub male, who is posessed of the most remarkable listening skills and is wise beyond words.

Texas Maam

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 9:17:02 AM

ExistentialSteel

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On the other thread I commented in an unfavorable way about the mentoring concept while many said they had great mentors who taught them well. These folks couldn’t understand anyone not accepting advice.

Here is the thing, if we are talking about a Dom mentoring a sub, like the OP suggests, it is fine to have a friend as long as he/she isn’t playing with you. When it gets to the point where he has to show you real time, then play if you want, but don’t hand me all the noble, mentoring stuff. It is no strings play which is fine, if that is what you want.

A sub who befriends a sub is fine too, as long as she doesn't say it is necessary to bring her Dom into the mix. Of course my trademarked (TM) disclaimer if that is what you want fine.

As far as a Dom mentoring a Dom, again, it comes down to the bottom line. If he asks you to bring him a sub so he can show you how to do things, think very hard. Now again, if you want to do that, fine, but don’t hand me…..yeah, you know the rest.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 9:51:01 AM

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I agree with ExistentialSteel--mentoring as any "teaching/guiding" role has it's bad sides--(priests who molest, teachers who have sex with students)---

IMHEO, when the teacher wants to become the participant--all bets are off--I have been blessed with My mentors, they were all that--teachers and advisors from a distance--I made the ultimate decisions--in My mentoring, I set ground rules up front and I stick to them--and I am very picky about students---there is no wanking in My class---<smiles>

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to ExistentialSteel)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 10:27:49 AM

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We didn't have the opportunity when we first started to have a mentor/mentors. There still isn't anyone in our area that has shown any interest in helping us that we would be interested in having as a mentor - that limits our possiblities.

We have learned skills from other people, but that's just a "hey, this is how you do this without hurting someone" arrangment, not at all what I would call a mentor arrangement.

We talk to people, we have friends that we chat with - but again, not what I would call a mentor relationship.

There is actually a discussion on another board I participate on (which, unfortunately, has gotten extremely sidetracked by a guy who had a bad experience) about "Formal Training" - in terms of serving for a certain time period before being a Dominant. My thoughts on that are the same as for mentoring - it works for some and not for others, just like college is a good choice for some and not for others, or military service is a good choice for some and not for others. Every personality is different, and I'm always happy for those that it works out for, and sad for those that it doesn't - just so long as they don't try to tell me that I can't call myself a Domme because I never had a mentor, or never served a Dom/me for a year or two first.

(in reply to MHOO314)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 12:42:34 PM

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Not much to add after Elegant's excellent response other than a mentor does not necessarily have to be someone that you interact with. This idea was discussed at a workshop during Lupercalia and it stuck with me. A mentor teaches someone how to be and you can learn that just by observing someone else's behavior.... watch how they interact with others, how they handle themselves during good times and bad and then emulate them. It doesn't have to be a formal relationship.

Knight's kyra

P.S. Quivver I like your new pic

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 2:25:06 PM

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Quivver - so glad that you've found someone to share things with. I had a wonderful mentor, years ago. Not a lifestyle mentor. But he was a huge help to me in many facets of my life. He was someone I could go to with anything, no shame, no judgement, it was a wonderful on-line only relationship. Because of geography, we knew that we would probably never meet. We met on a list-serve and went from there, emailing frequently, sharing our lives, hopes, fears. He is someone I will always value.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to kyraofMists)

RE: Mentors - 3/4/2006 4:14:35 PM

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I count myself lucky that I met someone who has become my friend, mentor, trainer, and protector. I had just been in the lifestyle for a few months and attending my second workshop. Funny thing is that the workshop was for a type of play I did not think I would enjoy: impact play. I attended just to educate myself.

That is probably one of the best things I have done. I ended up contacting the host to thank him for everything. We exchanged a few emails and talked on the phone. He read my blog and got to know me a bit. After a little bit of this he offered to mentor me. More talking on the phone and emails followed. I used my limited resources to check him out. He has a great reputation in the local area so I felt safe in attempting the relationship.

He outlined what he expected from the beginning. He also stated what his goals were for me. So far he has done everything that he said he was going to do and we still explore my boundaries. It has been a great learning experience for me and I his guidance has led to me really getting to know myself. As I have come to embrace my Switch side he has taught me how to Top and we have even co-Topped on a number of occasions.

I trust Sir completely and am very thankful that he is in my life. I know I can go to him with any questions that I have, can count on him when I run into trouble (lifestlye and otherwise), and I continue to learn not just about things in the lifestyle but about myself as well.

(in reply to KatyLied)

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