RE: Mentors

RE: Mentors (Full Version)

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LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Mentors (3/4/2006 4:26:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Quivver Another post mentioned Mentors and rather then steal the thread I'm starting a new one. ~Mentors~, what are they to you? In large part they are wolves in sheeps clothing, ego-tripping and want the benefits of having authority without taking the real responsibility. In large part I think they are a trap of control and don't actually help subs and doms learn how to be comptent adults, but rather foster confusion and dependence. If you don't trust your judgement- you can't trust your judgement to find a good mentor. That being said, when you do trust your judgement, having mentors in your life can be a great asset of friendship and support, people who specifically can help guide you and force you to face things you might not be able to see for yourself. But that's like a needle in the a haystack of all the doms who call themselves mentors.

Sensualips -> RE: Mentors (3/4/2006 4:57:04 PM)
Protector is a word that makes me raise an eyebrow, even more than mentor. What am I being protected from? It seems like it is a label that justifies behaviors I see as negative and unattractive.

Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Mentors (3/4/2006 5:40:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MHOO314 IMHEO, when the teacher wants to become the participant--all bets are off--I have been blessed with My mentors, they were all that--teachers and advisors from a distance--I made the ultimate decisions-- This is an excellent point. I found out from trial and error that mixing sex and play with mentoring clouded the issue way too much. My mentor is really a just a friend who happens to have a lot of experience in BDSM and a wacky sense of humour. He's the one who gets to kick my butt when I need it and keeps me true to myself when my judgement gets a little out of whack due to life's ups and downs. He will say good girl, or Get that article written, now girl, no more stalling, when there's no one else in my life to do that, but we also know that, ultimately, I don't submit to him. I make my own decisions. He's just there to be a touchstone, an outer voice, a shoulder to lean on. He's not perfect, (although I'm never allowed to say so ::grin::), but he has excellent insight to my inner motivations and sees through my excuses. He's never condescending but he calls my bluff, and keeps me true to my heart. Perhaps having a mentor isn't for everyone but I find it helpful. We can all use good friends, and safe places to go when life is confusing. Cin

Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Mentors (3/4/2006 5:53:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross quote: ORIGINAL: Quivver Another post mentioned Mentors and rather then steal the thread I'm starting a new one. ~Mentors~, what are they to you? In large part they are wolves in sheeps clothing, ego-tripping and want the benefits of having authority without taking the real responsibility. In large part I think they are a trap of control and don't actually help subs and doms learn how to be comptent adults, but rather foster confusion and dependence. That's not a mentor...that's just a jerk trying to use someone. No different from someone calling themselves a dominant in order to get laid. If some people call themselves dominants in order to foster confusion and dependance does that mean there are no such things as dominants? Yes, there are many out there who will try to use the mentor label to their advantage, but it doesn't negate the good work many mentors do. Personally I don't see my mentor's role as that of helping me to be a competent adult. I'm already a competent adult. Just not experienced about BDSM in particular. I see him more as a resource into BDSM, since he has 30 years experience in the lifestyle, and a friend who genuinely cares about my happiness. Cin

RosesInChains -> RE: Mentors (3/4/2006 8:08:04 PM)
Typically a protector is someone who takes care of another's sub or slave. If there is a function that Sir cannot attend with me or may be running late he will have someone there for me. This person will basically fill in for him as my filter between myself and the group of people present. As I have grown and have come to know a number of people in the local scene this is not as necessary but it does work as a nice security blanket. :) In my first posting though I meant protector as someone who does watch over me. Should I run into trouble, he is there. If something needs to be addressed, he is there. However, we do not really follow strict protocol and he does allow me enough rope to hang myself with but that also gives me enough space to grow. He has been and continues to be my shelter in the storm. Now that I have gushed I probably should also mention that he and I are not romantically involved at all but have become really good friends in the last year. And yes, there has been a bump or two along the way but we have always maintained very honest communications and that has always overcome any minor things along the way.

RavenMuse -> RE: Mentors (3/5/2006 1:48:08 AM)
Balls to all this labeling rubbish. People make what is being talked about here sound difficult or dangerous. OK it maybe a little of both when people are doing in in the real world, but in a place like this it is simplicity itself and can be done VERY safely. What is called for is someone who's advice you respect and feel you can trust. Fine, read the bloody forums there are a reasonable number of folks here with hundreds of posts that you can go back and check to see what sort of person they seem to be and what sort of advice they tend to give out. Find someone that YOU regard as giving good advice and who YOU respect...... and drop them a mail with your questions. Nothing needs to be formalised, you want safe... how about picking someone a third of the globe away who you don't give your real world address to! Just how safe do you want. Is the advice safe? Just as safe as any other advice. You have to make your own mind up and if it doesn't feel quite right seek ANOTHER person to ask your questions of and see what THEY say. At the end of the day, no matter what advice you get, it is YOU who is responcible for what things you act on or not. I have friends who have used me in such a capacity for years. For advice, support or simply someone to talk to when they feel no-one else will listen. Does that make me a Mentor several times over? Personaly I just use the label FRIEND!

MHOO314 -> RE: Mentors (3/5/2006 8:09:34 AM)
Bravo! Cheers! Pip-Pip! ( hmm is that still British?) You blew a gasket just before I did--saved Me typing...well said!

RavenMuse -> RE: Mentors (3/5/2006 8:27:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MHOO314 Bravo! Cheers! Pip-Pip! ( hmm is that still British?) You blew a gasket just before I did--saved Me typing...well said! It is still british though only likely to be found amongst the strata of society to be found at the likes of Polo matches. As for the rest, people don't half love to make a mountain out of a molehill![8\|] Glad I saved you the typing[:D]

IronBear -> RE: Mentors (3/5/2006 8:35:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse Balls to all this labeling rubbish. People make what is being talked about here sound difficult or dangerous. OK it maybe a little of both when people are doing in in the real world, but in a place like this it is simplicity itself and can be done VERY safely. What is called for is someone who's advice you respect and feel you can trust. Fine, read the bloody forums there are a reasonable number of folks here with hundreds of posts that you can go back and check to see what sort of person they seem to be and what sort of advice they tend to give out. Find someone that YOU regard as giving good advice and who YOU respect...... and drop them a mail with your questions. Nothing needs to be formalised, you want safe... how about picking someone a third of the globe away who you don't give your real world address to! Just how safe do you want. Is the advice safe? Just as safe as any other advice. You have to make your own mind up and if it doesn't feel quite right seek ANOTHER person to ask your questions of and see what THEY say. At the end of the day, no matter what advice you get, it is YOU who is responcible for what things you act on or not. I have friends who have used me in such a capacity for years. For advice, support or simply someone to talk to when they feel no-one else will listen. Does that make me a Mentor several times over? Personaly I just use the label FRIEND! Thank God some one has got it right and cut through all this bull shot and cods whollop. Stone the bloody crows, I've been mentoring selected people for years in various areas. Just what do you think a counsellor does when he is the "coach" for a client to coach or mentor him along an agreed path following an agreed game plan..... The Counsellor is simply a professional mentor. Raven old friend, what a damned good post old chap. Jolly good show. [;)]

MarinaBlack -> RE: Mentors (3/6/2006 4:31:52 PM)
I hit "the scene" when I was 16 years old and totally full of myself. I was an "in demand" Domme bacuse I was young and hot - and I was totally dangerous because I had no clue what I was doing, but was only interested in edge-play. I - and the men I played with - was very lucky that nothing REALLY bad happened. I finally got a grip and realized my place as a Domme - not from a place of ego, but from a place of true love of BDSM. When I was 18 I actively hunted down a mentor. Out of all the experienced Dommes I approached only one gave me the time of day. She invited me over for tea!:) 20 years later she and I meet for coffee almost every day, she is a dear friend and I did learn quite a bit from her merely by example - it's not like we ever had any formal "lessons". Having a mentor is very important, especially in such a disconnected society where we no longer have extended families within proximity for support - let alone in this sub-culture where people can feel so isolated in their kinks. I really feel for newbies - those who identify as tops and bottoms. I make it a point of considering mentoring newbies I may not necessarily have a play connection with, but genuinely like. Everyone needs some guidance.

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