Just beginning to understand

Just beginning to understand (Full Version)

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AbandonedGirl -> Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 11:46:36 AM)
Hello, I'm introducing myself, I'm just beginning to understand myself, and learn... I've denied myself that I am submissive... like it were a bad thing.. for as long as I have been in this lifestyle.. but finally just coming to terms with who I am... I have a calm and peaceful voice, I've never heard myself scream.. I am looking for something truly genuine. If you have any advice for me I would be happy to sit down and listen. Thank you for reading my introduction, looking forward to meeting like minded people.

mnottertail -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 12:00:57 PM)
I wish you well, colored socks, Welcome. Ron

divi -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 12:05:04 PM)
Welcome

sado50nm -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 12:07:21 PM)
I understand where you are coming from - you need to be reborn and built back to be the best slave you can be by one you can fully trust.

mnottertail -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 12:07:43 PM)
divi, you got competition in socks, check the second pic on her profile. Ron

AbandonedGirl -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 12:29:26 PM)
Thank you all for the warm welcome... seems I've been spammed in my inbox.. some people seem to be curious as to if the picture is of myself on my profile, it is not... and the picture with the girl in a diaper, I have never had the desire to wear a diaper, or want that ever actually... the thought of putting someone in diapers, or wearing them myself is something I never could comprehend, but to make myself clear... No I would not like it forced upon me, never had the desire to look, or act like a baby, nor do I have the desire to want to wear a diaper... ever. but thats not to say I wouldn't - obviously I can't anticipate my development, and I've come to terms with that. I also know I would not trust just anyone.. and I'm trying to be optimistic in my search... and believe that when he finds me, or I find him, I may or may not know instantly but willing to invest the time to find out.. but I do feel I need to be reborn, revamped, re-invented, re-live, and rekindle all of the good times I lost as a child.. I'd be willing to do whatever it took in order for my development to work. this isnt a midnight fantasy, or anything like that.. it is something I truly need in my life... so it is not my picture... in my profile, any thoughts on that? is that instantly misleading? even though I am honest about it? it's pretty obvious that it isnt my picture... but it's my profile, I enjoy the pictures -- it makes a statement.. and I'm sure whoever accepts me will also understand and not judge me negatively on that... I can't make everyone happy so.... I'm not going to try. thinking it might be best to just take the pictures down completely, but then I have to be bothered with EVERYONE asking for one... when I don't want to share myself with anyone EXCEPT for the RIGHT one, if that makes sense. I am or was at one point a daddy's girl... but never molested, just abandoned... left behind.. left to fend for myself.. maybe it's what my dad needed to do, but I need my childhood back, I need to regress, i need the love of family.. i need to disconnect from the loss and the abandonment issues I have, i need something else to be thankful for, theres a reason I went through all of that and hopefully it isnt just to sit miserable for the rest of my life... it's going to be so difficult to keep up with these emails.. I welcome everyone's thoughts.

mnottertail -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 12:42:25 PM)
yes, instantly and detrimentally misleading, put up a pic of you, or none at all, and prolly not one at all for the first month or so, will cut down on spam. re spam: research mail controls button in your inbox. Ron

pyroaquatic -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 12:43:42 PM)
Ah, so you were waiting by the window while your mother never came back too!!!???

AbandonedGirl -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 12:50:38 PM)
uhm pyroaquatics, no not exactly, I don't think I wish to explain myself as far as my past goes to anyone except the one who truly matters... but thanks for the comfort there honey

pyroaquatic -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 12:54:07 PM)
Hey, no problem. And you are right: You don't need to explain yourself to anyone else but you Dominant, wherever he or she may be. Luck be with you!

mnottertail -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 12:54:14 PM)
in defense of pyro, not that he needs any, he can cogitate with at the very least middlin' effort (LOL) You do come out here wearing it in your name, your profile and otherwise on somebodies pictures sleeve, and also inveigling sympathy for the plight....... Hell, everyone has questions and wants to know, kid. Ron

pyroaquatic -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 1:00:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail in defense of pyro, not that he needs any, he can cogitate with at the very least middlin' effort (LOL) Ron what does "at the very least middlin' effort mean, ron? I am confused. Welcome to the boards! We do not bite too hard.

mnottertail -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 1:02:15 PM)
Not light and not heavy, in the middle; middling is perhaps classified an archaic term, now. Ron

RCdc -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 1:04:16 PM)
As long as you have permission to use the image and you admit its not you - I don't see the issue. If you infringe an artists copyright, then I would find you shallow. the.dark.

AbandonedGirl -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 1:04:59 PM)
okay then, to break it down... not looking for sympathy or even answers.. my answer is to find a dominant, that can re-create me.. if that is even possible... but I guess what it comes down to... my mother left for drugs when I was a year old, my father raised myself and my brother from there... I never learned how to be affectionate.. I don't know how to flirt, or hug.. I want to learn. It takes sometime in any relationship for me to feel safe enough to open up, or to hug someone, or be flirtatious.. I do however have my days where I feel open to it.. it usually consists with kisses and cuddles.. pretty trivial... however I do have kinks, and interests.. and I've been questioned as to which age I may want to regress to.. that I don't know... but don't want to anticipate my development as I previously stated. somtimes I just want to be numb to it all.. everything in my past... and sometimes I have thoughts of become self destructive... but thats not going to help anything.. it will just create more bad habits which I will all eventually be broken.. back to my abandonment, I moved out when I was 12... due to my dad remarrying.. and there not being any room for me in their new place, in my new town, no room for me in the house, I slept on the couch while her 3 boys had their own room, my brother had to sleep on one of their bedroom floors. there wasnt any room not one seat available for me in the local jr high. before that it was just me, my dad, and my brother... I tried to fight for my dad.. eventually deciding that I was becoming destructive to their relationship... and just decided to go on my own. and my dad let me... that was difficult to have to deal with.. and now I'm just wanting to disconnect from it all... seriously.. I can't talk to him anymore not about my life, he does not know me, or what i've been through.. he would only hurt if he tried to understand, so I have to squash it... let it go.. move on... and live my own life... and I think re-inventing myself is really the only way that I can.... the most satisfying decision.. I believe it to be rather humbling.. thank you for listening..

mnottertail -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 1:11:26 PM)
Thats really good, you will find we talk alot about honest and open communication here. You will eventually (even if you are somewhat embarrassed now to say these things) have a great load lifted from you, and you will become more serene and focused, and happy. Ron (that's the theory anyhow, LOL)

JamieTgPa -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 1:13:13 PM)
Well, if you dont want to discuss it..... don't bring it up.

MMagic -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 1:15:32 PM)
Welcome!

AbandonedGirl -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 1:17:38 PM)
JamieTgPa thank you for your input it was very helpful.

MMagic -> RE: Just beginning to understand (10/21/2009 1:20:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AbandonedGirl okay then, to break it down... not looking for sympathy or even answers.. my answer is to find a dominant, that can re-create me.. if that is even possible... but I guess what it comes down to... my mother left for drugs when I was a year old, my father raised myself and my brother from there... I never learned how to be affectionate.. I don't know how to flirt, or hug.. I want to learn. It takes sometime in any relationship for me to feel safe enough to open up, or to hug someone, or be flirtatious.. I do however have my days where I feel open to it.. it usually consists with kisses and cuddles.. pretty trivial... however I do have kinks, and interests.. and I've been questioned as to which age I may want to regress to.. that I don't know... but don't want to anticipate my development as I previously stated. somtimes I just want to be numb to it all.. everything in my past... and sometimes I have thoughts of become self destructive... but thats not going to help anything.. it will just create more bad habits which I will all eventually be broken.. back to my abandonment, I moved out when I was 12... due to my dad remarrying.. and there not being any room for me in their new place, in my new town, no room for me in the house, I slept on the couch while her 3 boys had their own room, my brother had to sleep on one of their bedroom floors. there wasnt any room not one seat available for me in the local jr high. before that it was just me, my dad, and my brother... I tried to fight for my dad.. eventually deciding that I was becoming destructive to their relationship... and just decided to go on my own. and my dad let me... that was difficult to have to deal with.. and now I'm just wanting to disconnect from it all... seriously.. I can't talk to him anymore not about my life, he does not know me, or what i've been through.. he would only hurt if he tried to understand, so I have to squash it... let it go.. move on... and live my own life... and I think re-inventing myself is really the only way that I can.... the most satisfying decision.. I believe it to be rather humbling.. thank you for listening.. I have some of these same issues, so my advice from one new girl to another. Be careful. The flip side is meeting someone who simply doesn't understand all these thing about you and starts telling you're NOT a sub (See my you're not a real sub forum post) Or that you're being difficult because you are just being who you are instead of understanding that this is who you are and trying to patiently teach you to be who they want you to be. Good luck and the community here is great and supportive. Avoid the ones who have never been on the forums.

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