What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fantastic.. but not in bed?

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What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fantast... - 10/21/2009 7:23:23 PM

SirJ40

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Since there's a round of "let's try a new topic" going, I thought I'd throw this into the mix- not necessarily from anything in particular, mind you, just from My twisted imagination and some insomniac wonderings, lol.

So.. you've gone through months, maybe years of searching for that person. seeking that elusive "unicorn".. that perfect addition to your Poly family.. for the sake of argument, let's say he/she is third in.. the first secondary.. whatever you want to call it.
You do things "right".. no jumping into bed too soon.. getting to know each other.. good discussion, strong communication, great honesty.. you're feeling that this person.. this person could be the right one! They fit so well, everyone's enjoying it.... could it be love? There's another step, for sure.. you're going to have to put all the naughty talk to the test... .you talk about it.. limits are set... guidelines are established............
And then you finally go to bed together! YAY.. here it comes! That mind busting sexual amazement..... um... that astounding physical..........hmmm..... that really damn good sex.........................
Well shit.
What would people suggest when the person whose personality is wonderful.. but the sexual chemistry is horrid?
When that person can't take instruction... doesn't seem to read signals.. and it turns out ........ that the sex is just.. boring? Disappointing? For both you and your primary?
How would each of you approach this? I'm not even going to make suggestions, I'm just curious how everyone will respond.
For that matter.. if there's someone out there who's experienced this from the other side of the triangle/pentangle or whatever, I'd love to hear your thoughts too.

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 10/21/2009 8:09:58 PM

DavanKael

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Hmmmm, for a primary, this would be a problem. If the person was a secondary, not as much.
I've actually been in poly situations where one or more people didn't click sexually. I found that the more intensive the relationship was, the more that wore on the relationship.
Davan

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 10/21/2009 8:56:40 PM

TheGaggingWh0re

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If someone is horrible at sex I'd probably try to bring it up as nicely as possible. Most of the time I sugarcoat things like, "Oh, let's try this!" Or "I looove it when you do this." I also like to know what people tend to enjoy. For instance, when Master and I were in a relationship with another girl he would comment on how great her oral was (I was still training). So I started to try different things and I'd lean back and go, "How was that, Sir?" just to see what felt great and what didn't. Needless to say I'm quite good at what I do now. :P

If they continued to be horrible, I'd take them out and get them a nice cup of coffee (or whatever) and say, "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable and attacked, but our sexual chemistry seems to be a little off balance. Why don't we take this coffee to go and enjoy a night of exploring each other's 'on' buttons?" I know that would make me go '8D'.

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 10/21/2009 10:09:22 PM

Surrenderwithin

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One of the wonderful things about poly, in my opinion, is that I do not have to be able to do EVERYTHING well and fill ALL of my partners needs. If my skill set doesnt allow me to do something well, or enjoy it maybe someone else can fill that niche. To be honest, I could not care less about sex. I believe I am good at it, but I can take it or leave it. I am more than thrilled that Masters other slave and second submissive are eager to please in that arena. It alleviates my guilt of simply not caring about sex.

I suppose it all comes down to how important her being compatable in the sex department is. Some of my most fulfilling and intimate relationships in life have never been sexual and nature. There are many ways to be intimate that do not invole the actual act of sex or any sexual contact.

Just my two cents,
Maggi

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 10/22/2009 12:45:31 AM

NormalOutside

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I'm not sure how this is a poly question. Not to be rude or anything, but this just sounds like a question of sexual chemistry, not poly.

Anyhow, what I would do if the sex with someone wasn't great and everything else was, is either:
- do everything I can to improve it and hope for the best
- break it off
- just live with it

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 10/22/2009 12:53:09 AM

BKSir

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Approach it openly and honestly. You're all adults (at least you'd better be), and if you're old enough to be having sex, you're more than old enough to be able to discuss it candidly. As I've had to tell partners before, "Go ahead and talk, say what's on your mind, you've had my junk in your mouth, not much left to be embarrassed about now."

I'm always amazed about how people are always so terrified about talking with eachother about sex. I wonder why...

< Message edited by BKSir -- 10/22/2009 12:54:27 AM >

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 10/22/2009 6:22:16 AM

SirJ40

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Interesting so far!
A couple of responses... NormalOutside, it's a Poly question because we're talking about being in a position of trying to create a poly triad (or more) and discovering that sexual incompatibility is the only hangup.. not the "most common" hangup, for sure, but certainly, it would be a problem. Yes, it's a sexual chemistry issue, but within a Polyamorous dynamic.

BK.. we're assuming that honest discussions have been held, instructions or guidance have been given. Agreed, an honest talk should help, but I'm thinking more "from the heart".. a human being that is intelligent, attractive as a person, makes the Primaries/Family happy emotionally, and is someone that they care about and don't wish to lose.. yet... if we assume that the sex is important to them all... how to cope with "bad sex" with a good person? Is there an alternative route?

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 10/22/2009 7:05:16 PM

polybi108

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unless you are into pain and bondage service, a relationship based on love and bad sex is like being married to a nun/monk. no thanks.
Say, no thanks. Say, I am sorry, it just didnt work out.

I actually had something similar. A woman, willing to switch ( a real plus with me), wanted to join us. She had such bad breath I just couldnt get past it.

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 10/22/2009 10:00:31 PM

SteelofUtah

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I would ask yourself a question.

What about the Sex isn't Kickin?

Is it that you are not sexually attracted to that person? Is it that they are not sexually attracted to you? Is it that the sexual release is different and thus rather than accept that you feel the need to define different as Not good enough? How big an issue is this to the core point of the relationship?

Sex is a BIG bump when talking about hang-ups. The question is where is the hangup? Is it in the attraction? Are you not Hot For Teacher, or are you the teacher she isn't hot for? Is it in the physical Act? Does she not understand the mechanics of Artound the World to a reverse cowgirl so she can milk your prostate? Sure it can be taught but by then will you even really want your prostate milked. Is it in the Build-up? Does she not call you Big Poppa? And when you require it is it that you just don't believe her? Or is it in the Practicallity? She wants it to be like the way sunday school taught, only on wednesday only with the lights out and praying to the bible you don't enjoy the sinfullness of the whole ordeal?

There are many reasons the sex may not be up to par. The question is how important is it to you to maintain the other end.

She is GREAT when it comes to being a submissive and meeting your non sexual needs.
She is GREAT when it comes to getting along with your other slaves.
She is GREAT when it comes to cooking and cleaning the way you like.
She is GREAT when it comes to folding your socks (cause they are very important damnit)
She is GREAT when it comes to having meaningful conversations.
She is GREAT when it comes to someone you would want to grow old and have children with.
She is GREAT when it comes to managing the overflow of your life and getting things taken care of
She is GREAT when it comes to being there emotionally for you when you need it.
She isn't the Bees Knees when it comes to impaleing herself on your johnson.

Pro Vs Con Bro!

In the end you just need to ask yourself what the purpose of the poly relationship is for your.

Yes the sexual is important but there is a great ammount more and the truth of the matter is that YES the sexual can come later some women are nervous the first few encounters and some you find to appreciate for what they try to do and that is enough and some you find you love on a emotional and mental level if not on a physical and sexual one. Love is Love man. If you LOVE them you will find a way to make it work..... unless sex is a deal breaker.

Steel

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 10/24/2009 6:04:24 AM

SirJ40

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Steel, that was pretty damned insightful, thanks. Although I posed the question just as a general concept, it was and is related to my life experiences, of course. Not directly, not 'exactly', but related.
In that situation, there were things in AND out of the bedroom that affected my perception of that person to the point that the relationship ended.
In the case I was thinking of, it was the lack of that person's ability to adjust to my wants/needs/desires that was a a first clue. When someone spends their best efforts trying to get me off, but CAN'T, because they simply ignore the guidance and voluntary/involuntary signals coming from me, that's frustrating once, but something you can work on.
When it becomes a repeated problem, because they simply have "their way" of doing things, and they just keep hoping it will eventually work for me.. well, that's not gonna work. It's got to be a mutual learning experience, I think.
Plus, the "killer" in this situation was that the person simply didn't live up to their own words.. what initially seemed like a wonderful match turned out to be not so much so.
Ultimately, I say that it was dishonesty and a lack of empathy that killed it.. that person did not at first present themselves as they truly were, and over time I learned (of course) the true nature of the personality.....which was far less attractive than initially I was led to believe. And it did make them far less appealing as a sexual partner, as well as an emotional one.
The lack of empathy meant that even as I worked to understand the preferences and stimuli that worked for them, they didn't learn anything about me, and just kept doing the same things over and over.. which were, to me, not stimulating, and even off-putting.
Sex for the sake of sex can be tremendously enjoyable, but the partners that are good at that kind of thing are good at more than sex.. they read you, they learn what you like, and quickly! They don't ignore your responses just because someone in their past enjoyed something that they did, and they expect you to follow suit.
So.. yes, loving someone makes me more inclined to be patient and understanding about sex.. but it IS important to me, and I do expect them to learn what I like, so that we can mutually adjust things to our mutual enjoyment.

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 10/25/2009 11:08:14 AM

NormalOutside

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SirJ40, it sounds like you and she didn't have that connection. The spark. You didn't completely click. It sucks, but at least you figured it out before it went any further..

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 11/17/2009 8:44:04 PM

Ladynslave

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I'm afraid we would have to do what we have already done with our monogamous relationships... Try a few more times to see if it has hints of getting better and if it does not, say goodbye. We both enjoy sex too much to accept boring much less disappointing.

Lady and Slave

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RE: What to do when your other partner (s) is/are fan... - 11/23/2009 5:01:04 PM

CandleSwitch

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I am wondering if anyone here has had this happen in a situation where they weren't the one in control? My owner and another woman got together at a point where we were not officially together (lived in the same house, but it was more vanilla than anything). We tried things again, and he brought her here to live, but she was straight. I am not, and while she wasn't my type, she was sweet and pretty enough that I thought something might develop. He tried to get her to explore, but it didn't really work (he said kiss and lick my stomach one night, and she got so hung up that she fixated on one spot-it ended up without skin before she was done). Eventually she was sent away for other reasons, but what happens if sex is the only glitch, and the owner doesn't send the incompatible lover away because all works well otherwise? i.e. as a slave what should/would you do?

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