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RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 6:51:36 AM

CollaredLisa

Posts: 135
Joined: 3/28/2009
From: Germany
Status: offline

In "normal" everday life I have a dominant personality as well... but that doesn't make me submitting an act, it's more of a way for me to unwind, let go of things that are bothering me and things I have to take care of.
I enjoy how I am in everyday life, but I also couldn't do without the submissive part of me - though I guess that dominant personality thing does sort of mean I don't just submit to anyone.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 21

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 7:21:46 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I don't think personality has any correlation to D/s for me, though it can for some other people. I'm perfectly willing to take the lead if something needs to be done, and there is a power vaccum. If I'm volunteering, or taking a class, I have no problem with following orders. I'm usually pretty friendly and outgoing, but when I'm around large groups of strangers, or people who are older than I am, I tend to be a bit shy and wait on the outskirts to be invited in, rather than joining conversations in progress. None of that feels anything like what I experience when I am dominant or submissive toward someone, though.

(in reply to CollaredLisa)

Post #: 22

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 7:54:03 AM

PainfullyCurious

Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

So the question is - does this mean that an s-type cannot have a dominant personality?
No.They can be either in everyday life.

Do people agree that a dominant cannot be quiet and retiring and yet still be dominant?
Yes. I will still define someone who is quiet and reserved as dominant. While a sign of dominance can be one who steers a conversation, I don't think tht being quiet means the opposite.
As a matter of fact, the word reserved in itself indicates that you are having thoughts and feeling that may (or may not) be of a dominant nature, but you are not right now acting to express them. You are keeping it on reserve.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 23

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 10:53:57 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sincityprincess
I think that personalities, behaviors, temperaments, and relationship style are very separate things that sometimes get lumped together.......

A lot of people use the term Type-A personality; someone who is driven, assertive or aggressive, and controlling. Seems Dominant but those are often also the people who are submissive in their relationships. Many submissives, like myself, have described themselves as dominant in their everyday lives.

...I think I have many dominant roles in my everyday life--office manager, mother--but I don't even cross-reference those to my preferred relationship role. To me those are things I do...being a submissive woman in my relationship is who I am.

I am probably one of those quintessential people that most people would be shocked to learn how submissive I am in a relationship because I am so dominant in the other areas of my life.

Sincityprincess,
Thank you for your response. i have wrestled with this issue quite a bit over the years, and you have captured my thoughts quite accurately (though more articulately than i would have stated them).

i have a very dominant personality. i have been described throughout my career as a "natural leader". i used to run a $1.5 billion division of a fortune 25 corporation. i had hundreds of subordinates. Now, i own my own company, and so i am obviously "the boss". In college, i played Division I basketball, so i am physically dominant as well.

Despite this, i prefer to be submissive in my private life. Like you, people are shocked to find out that i am submissive in relationships. Some have even argued that i am not a "real submissive". But i disagree with that. i don't understand the psychology of it, but i know that plenty of dominant "executive types" prefer to not be in charge in their private life. In fact, there is probably a name for that particular profile (although i am unaware of it).

If an earthquake were to happen while i was attending an event at my local BDSM club, i would probably be the person who took charge. i would start barking orders, and all of the Doms/Dommes in the room would fall in line behind me. i would be the dominant figure until the crisis was averted. i have no doubt about that. Yet, once the emergency was over, i would retake my place at my Domme's feet, and continue to serve Her needs. my submission to Her would be unquestioned, and She would be proud to have such a powerful slave.

To some, that may mean that i am merely pretending to be a sub. But i don't see it that way. To me, it is no different than a Female Domme who has a male submissive. 90% of the time, the male sub is actually physically stronger than the Female Domme. Does that make the lashes from Her flogger any less real? Does it make Her dominance any less real? Yet he is actually physically more powerful. See my point?

Perhaps there is a psychologist among us who can help us understand the difference between personality/role/style/profession/behavior/temperament. i have never fully comprehended the difference between them. Yet i know that i am a very real sub despite my dominant personality/profession, as contradictory as that might sound.

(in reply to sincityprincess)

Post #: 24

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 11:53:22 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

OMG i love this thread! Dark, i just LOVE your mind! Just ask my Daddy if i have a dominant personality LOL

So yeah you are 200% right on this.... As it happens my Daddy IS a quiet Guy, but there is ZERO doubt in this slaves mind who's in charge!

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 25

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 12:51:33 PM

Hierodule

Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline

the type "A" personality has been mentioned in this thread. My Mother has the typical type "A" personality. She clawed her way up to the top with very little formal education, eventually becoming and executive at the level of Vice President. She leads seminars and also trains people in marketing and communications. She is a natural leader and is uncomfortable unless she is in that role. I don't know anything about her sex life (thank god) but I do know one thing about her for sure: She HATES it when people do things for her that she could easily do her self. Its sort of a personality flaw. I have to assume she is comfortable delegating tasks at work. But at home She is so controlling that she can't even lay down and let someone bring her a bowl of soup when she is sick. She always says "no no no let me do it." I'm pretty she would be very uncomfortable being served in any way. And I think that means she would not be comfortable as a Domme. She probably wouldn't be comfortable as a sub either. I can hear her now "you are whipping me all wrong. Here let me do it"

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 26

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 1:29:40 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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To me, it is entirely possible to have a dominant core personality, and to accept a given situation where one would yield as a requirement of the role -- otherwise, there would be many, many dominant individuals unable to find jobs where they had to answer to someone else. It isn't "acting", it is doing what is necessary at the time -- and believe you me, as a dominant individual who is also excruciatingly pragmatic, I have been more than capable of determining a goal for myself, seeking out what it would take to meet that goal (including making myself subject to someone else's authority while working to obtain the goal) and still retaining an essentially dominant personality.

What we ARE and what we DO can be two entirely different things, and that doesn't mean that doing them makes us any less secure in our core personality -- it just says that we value the -goal- enough to take on the trade-offs that go with it.

In the same way, it is very possible for an individual to have a core personality that is very yielding, but have that same person be perfectly capable of taking charge of a given situation or becoming a brick wall that defends against all comers should the situation require it.

Human beings -have- instincts, and have core personalities that determine where they will be happiest and most fulfilled... but human beings also have the capacity to determine their intent and to make choices to set aside aspects of their personalities in order to obtain some goal that is worthwhile enough to justify the sacrifice. We are not beings of pure instinct, nor are we confined by our personalities -- they are a guideline to where we will fit best, but we get to choose and that doesn't make us fakers -- it makes us -human- and reinforces our ability to use our intellect and our will to guide our progress.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to smplyme101)

Post #: 27

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 1:54:41 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

Much ado about nothing... confusing adjectives with nouns.

Adjective = submissive personality
Noun = a "sub" / BDSM orientation

Adjective = dominant personality
Noun = A Dom/me / BDSM orientation

Thus:

- One with a dominant personality (adjective) can identify as a sub (noun) as their BDSM orientation
- One with a dominant personality (adjective) can identify as a Dom/me (noun) as their BDSM orientation

- One with a submissive personality (adjective) can identify as a sub (noun) as their BDSM orientation
- One with a submissive personality (adjective) can identify as a Dom/me (noun) as their BDSM orientation

- One with a dominant personality (adjective) can identify as a switch (noun) as their BDSM orientation
- One with a submissive personality (adjective) can identify as a switch (noun) as their BDSM orientation

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 28

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 10:17:36 PM

sincityprincess

Posts: 59
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

Much ado about nothing... confusing adjectives with nouns.

Adjective = submissive personality
Noun = a "sub" / BDSM orientation

Adjective = dominant personality
Noun = A Dom/me / BDSM orientation

Thus:

- One with a dominant personality (adjective) can identify as a sub (noun) as their BDSM orientation
- One with a dominant personality (adjective) can identify as a Dom/me (noun) as their BDSM orientation

- One with a submissive personality (adjective) can identify as a sub (noun) as their BDSM orientation
- One with a submissive personality (adjective) can identify as a Dom/me (noun) as their BDSM orientation

- One with a dominant personality (adjective) can identify as a switch (noun) as their BDSM orientation
- One with a submissive personality (adjective) can identify as a switch (noun) as their BDSM orientation

Thanks for clearing that up.

LOL!

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

Post #: 29

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/6/2009 12:43:53 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sincityprincess

Thanks for clearing that up.

LOL!

Sorry... some bolding might help...

- One with a dominant personality (adjective) can identify as a sub (noun) as their BDSM orientation
- One with a dominant personality (adjective) can identify as a Dom/me (noun) as their BDSM orientation

- One with a submissive personality (adjective) can identify as a sub (noun) as their BDSM orientation
- One with a submissive personality (adjective) can identify as a Dom/me (noun) as their BDSM orientation

- One with a dominant personality (adjective) can identify as a switch (noun) as their BDSM orientation
- One with a submissive personality (adjective) can identify as a switch (noun) as their BDSM orientation

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to sincityprincess)

Post #: 30

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/6/2009 5:15:46 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I can have a dominant personality when I need it. Because I often find myself in charge I need it a lot.
The only people who have ever told me that because I am often a leader I cannot be a submissive are people who have only had online experience.
Anyone who has met me or seen me respond knows what I am.
Both my most cherished dominants had dominant personalities. But I have also spent time with quieter men who preferred to take a step back and then lead when the opportunity presented itself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
But how does that make you feel, to be told that because you have a dominant personality, that your submission is an act?

For dominants who prefere the quieter life, do you perceive this a reflection on your dominance?

Does dominant personality ultimately = authority?

the.dark.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 31

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/6/2009 8:32:50 PM

vincentML

Posts: 9980
Joined: 10/31/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

jeez... how complicated...
maybe we're all switches then, with particular preference at certain times and with certain people...
i think fighting your corner or simply having an opinion has nothing to do with being dominant
i wonder how dominant a dominant has to be if the submissive is submitting anyway.
and how submissive is a sub when calling the dominant an arse and throwing the collar in his face when the magic has gone?

Exactly! I agree. We are all complicated. I was a fairly successful high school teacher for 30 years. I was able to cajole, persuade, charm, stare down, dominate, control 150 + teenagers everyday, every week, every year without permitting them to destroy the Chemistry Lab. It is still there.

But i prefer to be in a female lead relationship with the right woman. And that is the key for me...the right woman. In the world and on these boards at times I am an assertive personality, but i delight in Her Dominance. The submissive need has been with me since prepuberty. Go figure. You bet, ranja, we are complicated.

_____________________________

vML

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. ~ MLK Jr.

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 32

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/7/2009 3:21:28 AM

mercyriddle

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: offline

I'm not bratty by any means, but I am loud and opinionated, and yes, take charge in lots of group situations. At the same time sexually I am nothing but subby, emotionally I am subby and no part of me is a switch, I believe.

(in reply to smplyme101)

Post #: 33

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/8/2009 9:19:09 AM

BayouSub

Posts: 40
Joined: 4/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

this slave has encountered very few folk, this slave being one of them, who not only prefer to be the submissive partner within the context of an intimate relationship, but also find it to be intrinsic to who they are...their "nature", so to speak...to respond submissively to others and to situations life throws at them---not as a response to a specific someone or identifiable only as as a preferred relationship status once sufficiently in lust and/or love or a certain level of trust has been earned.

Very well said. I'm one of those "very few folk" you describe. However, though I much prefer to take orders rather than give them, life often requires just the opposite. I am submissive by nature because I prefer to be the submissive partner in both intimate and non-intimate contexts (and for that matter with both males and females). However, my actual behavior in a particular situation may be very dominant because that is required.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 34

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/8/2009 9:35:35 AM

afterforever

Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline

Like ranja said, it's far more complicated than just 100% dominant or submissive in every situation, all the time, but I think I do have quite a submissive personality. I much prefer never to take the leadership role whenever I'm working in a group, I always tell my friends I'll go see the movie they want to watch/go to the bar they want to go to/be the designated driver, I hate drama and conflict and generally will avoid it as much as possible.

But it's practically impossible to go through life always taking a submissive role, if I have to take the lead in something then I will, and there are definite limits to how much I'll let anyone in vanillaworld push me around.

(in reply to BayouSub)

Post #: 35

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/8/2009 9:35:40 AM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

This:

quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredLisa

In "normal" everday life I have a dominant personality as well... but that doesn't make me submitting an act, it's more of a way for me to unwind, let go of things that are bothering me and things I have to take care of.
I enjoy how I am in everyday life, but I also couldn't do without the submissive part of me - though I guess that dominant personality thing does sort of mean I don't just submit to anyone.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to CollaredLisa)

Post #: 36

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/8/2009 2:28:34 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

In my experience, you cannot discuss someone's behavior independent of the role that they are in at the moment. I, for instance, behaved very differentlyl at work than I did at home back when I worked. From that, I deduce that simply saying "Carol is submissive" isn't really sensible without some role qualifiers. With Carol, I can note that she tends to deploy submissive behaviors in a wide variety of roles in her life. On that basis, I refer to her as a "generally submissive personality." With her, it turns out that one of those roles is that of being my wife. So she is generally submissive in the world at large and also submissive with me.

However, the other submissive I know in great depth is pretty much exactly not so. In my observation, she deploys dominant behaviors in a wide variety of roles in her life. On that basis, I would call her "generally dominant". However, she does prefer to use submissive behaviors in the role of her love life so she is submissive with her master.

It is interesting to know these things because the methods used for dominance would be very different with these two different women. But I see no qualitative difference between them. To me, what produces quality is not the path one took to get to the goal, but the strenght, sincerity, and commitment one brings to the journey.

The last question is a bit confusing, "Does dominant personality ultimately = authority?". I generally use and prefer dominant behaviors and viewpoints. Accordingly, I am generally in authority. But that word authority is a tricky thing. I can be in authority of myself and my own life. I can be in authority with others. I don't always need to be steering every situation and, in fact, I'm relieved when someone else steps up. But I always feel that I COULD take charge if I needed to. So then who's in authority? In my opinion, that's one of those constructs that is largely based on self-perception.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 37

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/11/2009 5:55:38 PM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

A dominant personality does not make a dominant.

I would change what you said to “A dominant personality, alone, does not make a dominant”.

quote:

So the question is - does this mean that an s-type cannot have a dominant personality?

I tend to believe that a submissive personality indicates a submissive person.

quote:

Do people agree that a dominant cannot be quiet and retiring and yet still be dominant?

No, but then, I don’t believe that is the part of one’s personality that defines ‘dominant’.

Instead, I think it is more about the ‘self based’ desire they posses; whereas submissive have a mixture, to varying degrees, of desire and passion. The difference defines what drives the person, self, or purpose outside of self. (or perhaps it is only that their passions are sometimes divided amoungst more then one thing, and the mixture accounts for switches (not sure on that))

I know I can come across as being dominant, especially, when I feel there is a need for competent leadership where availability is lacking, but my drive is always toward the goal, not me being leader.

I can also come across as dominant when I’m feeling threatened; as a defense.

quote:

Does dominant personality ultimately = authority?

No

Kim

< Message edited by cpK69 -- 11/11/2009 5:59:25 PM >

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 38

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/11/2009 9:08:11 PM

soul2share

Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline

I am one of those with a varied personality......in my job/career, I am a VERY dominant person. It is important that I am able to make decisions in a hurry, and to be able to make others do what it is that needs to be done. I am very independent, and need no one to make my choices or decisions for me. Put me in a group of people, and I'm usually the one taking charge. While my bark is worse than my bite, I expect action when I do bark!

Privately, my nature is very nurturing, I want to care for others. Turns out alot of what I used to do when in a vanilla relationship are the very same traits that make me choose to be submissive to another dominant personality. It is because I maintain such a dominant position in my job that I love being able to totally give up the control to another. To do so is very liberating.

And as far as Doms go, I have found that most that I've met were complete and total gentlemen, not chest beaters......yes, the Doms have been "quiet and retiring", it's the ones that come on all "I am a Dominant, hear me roar!!!" that I avoid like the plague. There's a reason people know to watch out for the quiet ones!

If my friends and co-workers had any idea about my "alter ego", they'd be totally floored! They know me as a total ball buster......some would tell you that I mean that literally!

_____________________________

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?"...people are starting to take it as a challenge!

*Not a fuck was given.*

(in reply to smplyme101)

Post #: 39

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/12/2009 5:04:55 AM

Dstryeroflimits

Posts: 8
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline

There may be no standard about personality. I have heard them all.. Powerful at work, submissive at home, etc., etc, etc... While there certainly are different types of personalities I do not believe one precludes an predilection to dominance or submission. There have been a multitude of good points brought forth here. To the person who raised the question.".can someone be quiet and retiring and still be dominant?" Speaking for myself only..that is a resounding yes...when one earns and commands respect through a soft word or a look or a touch...that is every bit as erotic and intoxicating and throwing someone over your shoulder and taking them back to the cave.

Dstryer

(in reply to soul2share)

Post #: 40

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