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A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 6:31:57 AM

smplyme101

Posts: 22
Joined: 10/30/2009
Status: offline

o.k. so here it goes! Hi , i am new to the forums and just getting the wind in me to open up and ask some questions, or to posts responses.

i was reading and had a thought, a question:

How does a D know if a sub is "trainable" or how is it He/She can see into them to know that there is something worth it inside to bring out? Can He/She "sense" it or is it in the was a sub moves/talks/ generally acts on a everyday basis?

i am asking this question because i am not sure what it is that someone will "see" in me to know i am "worthy" i guess is the word. i so long for this , and can never seem to find anyone who is wanting/willing to help me grow. it took me a long long time to come out and be who i was meant to be and at first it was awesome, then i just felt that my submission was being abused, used, (hard to explain) so i drew back and out of the lifestyle for a long time. i came back because this is who i am and no matter how hard i try to change/hide it, it is what it is.

thank You to any and all who reply to my question, altho i know it is not as cut and dry as i may life it to be :)

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 7:22:19 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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It's the chemistry between you, as in all relationships.

If you can't find anyone who is interested in the slightest in you, then I'm betting you're putting out go away signals unconsciously. If you are that afraid of being hurt, then you aren't ready for a new relationship. And it is a relationship.

Nobody wants to break down walls, swim rivers, climb mountains to get the opportuntity to show themselves to you. Either you are interested in talking to people without any expectations except having a nice half hour over a cup of coffee or you aren't.

Maybe you need to do some work on why you choose abusers instead of good guys.

Now with that said, you are in the middle of nowhere with a small population of people as possible partners and that is going to impact your search.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 11/5/2009 7:25:38 AM >

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 7:28:14 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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smplyme101,

you haven't much in your profile, so not alot to go on, let me say this, if somebody breezes past you with a 'nice tits!' and after a couple yahoo chats can see your worth or know you enough to know if you are 'worthy' (btw, everyone is worthy of something, for some, it may be contempt, but that's another thread......)

talk, listen, get to know a little about what's on EVERYBODIES mind, and you will make better choices, and demonstrate your worth likely as not, even if you get burned time to time as people are wont to do.

Ron

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 7:44:15 AM

PainfullyCurious

Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
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You couldn't have asked at a better time. There are a lot of similiar discussions going on now.

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 7:48:37 AM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
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I don't think it is as mysterious as you are making it, OP; There isn't some strange secret intangible that only Dominants can sense. This is why a woman who is submissive to one man may be cold and domineering to another, as you see in the thread about being submissive out of the relationsihp.

It more sounds like you had some bad relationships, got burned by abusive jerks, and are wondering how to find a good partner.

"How to find a good partner" is a thread in itself and speaking only for myself, trial and error and being willing to stay single until you find the right one worked for me.

< Message edited by AnimusRex -- 11/5/2009 7:58:28 AM >

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 7:54:36 AM

Hierodule

Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
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because of the ongoing conversation on these boards about "spotting a sub" I have come to realize that for my Master and I it just clicked. I guess it was "submission at first sight" sort of. I mean I didn't surrender to him completely the first day. But he knew he wanted me. The things about me that made him want me were the same things that would make me desirable to another in a vanilla setting. He was attracted to me. So he talked to me. I responded in a way he found endearing so he pursued me. It just so happened he likes to own his girl and I liked the idea of being owned. So it all worked out. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about what a Dom is looking for. it depends on the person and the person they are interested in.

< Message edited by Hierodule -- 11/5/2009 8:18:57 AM >

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 8:02:32 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: smplyme101

o.k. so here it goes! Hi , i am new to the forums and just getting the wind in me to open up and ask some questions, or to posts responses.

i was reading and had a thought, a question:

How does a D know if a sub is "trainable" or how is it He/She can see into them to know that there is something worth it inside to bring out? Can He/She "sense" it or is it in the was a sub moves/talks/ generally acts on a everyday basis?

i am asking this question because i am not sure what it is that someone will "see" in me to know i am "worthy" i guess is the word. i so long for this , and can never seem to find anyone who is wanting/willing to help me grow. it took me a long long time to come out and be who i was meant to be and at first it was awesome, then i just felt that my submission was being abused, used, (hard to explain) so i drew back and out of the lifestyle for a long time. i came back because this is who i am and no matter how hard i try to change/hide it, it is what it is.

thank You to any and all who reply to my question, altho i know it is not as cut and dry as i may life it to be :)

You are 44 years old..... surely you know how to cultivate new relationships and grow them. Why is it some people think that because there is BDSM in the mix, that its some sort of "mystery" relationship? All the same rules apply for ANY relationship..... chemistry, respect, honesty, it doesn't change the basic foundation. If someone is a dick, its NOT ok just because he claims to be a "D" type. And just because you claim to be an "s" type doesn't mean you have to act like an "s" type for EVERYONE.

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 9:13:22 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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I'm going to agree with the others and say that if there is a mutual attraction with someone the rest of what you are looking for falls into place. As was suggested- put a bit more into your profile about what you are looking for in a man and in a relationship. You have a good list of interests but nothing in the written section.

A lot of people say that their Dominance or submission was inspired or deepened by the person that they met. Try looking for someone that you match well with personally and leave the D/s out of the equation. I found that I got messed up when I looked at things as being D/s based and stayed with someone for a while that flipped all my buttons being my Dom but we really weren't suited to one another as a couple. It wasn't a good relationship at all - there was only the one thing that worked (D/s). Now I've found a partner that suits me well in all kinds of ways and the D/s is a seamless part of our relatinship...not the focus of it.

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 10:13:55 AM

smplyme101

Posts: 22
Joined: 10/30/2009
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Thank You A/all for your responses, i appreciate the input and widening my profile i guess is yes a good start. I can see what you all mean in what you say and maybe to focus on the picture as a whole is far better then trying to pick it apart. I was just more curious if there was some dynamic i missed in all this as i am still learning. I do realize that at 44 i know how to get into/make or even break a relationship, i didnt mean to come off as that naieve, im surious about all aspects of how one lets go , and no i am not basing this time around on last time around, that would never work in any relationship, but thank you again, it helps to see things in anothers line of thinking sometimes :)

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 11:04:29 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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I can only really say that it was, for ME , far more about whether HE was the right chap for ME. Not whether I was *trainable* or *worthy*. I'm not really interested in being *worthy* as some blokes *sub/slave*. I've simply never seen it that way.

I didn't go into this with the idea that I had to be anything other than exactly what I am. The clues HE got, or that WE got, regarding each other was through getting to know each other as people over quite a few years ..... not with some agenda.....but out of sheer, consistant interest.

We liked each other. .we got along very well......I respected him, we thought well of each other...I liked the man he was and he obviously liked the girl I was...We knew each other over years as friends, so there wasn't much that was *hidden*...........We KNEW what we were getting.

Have a go at reducing the D/s agenda, despite wanting it badly. Get to know men and as men, and not as *potential doms*... They can only display THEIR *worth* over time ...and frankly, ditto for you.

agirl

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 11:09:42 AM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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You let go little by little as the two of you learn about each other. You develop a sufficient shared history for you to say that you've seen him boiling mad and he was still in control, so now you can trust that you'll be safe when he's like that. Before you see him in such a mood you don't know if he stays in control or drowns kittens.

Figure out what you need in a relationship and what you will not tolerate. He should be doing the same. If everything matches up, then you have sufficient compatibility and it's time to discover if there's any chemistry.

Nobody hands over title to their car on the first date.

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 11:57:57 AM

aldompdx

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It is a process of mutual resonance which unfolds over time. Patience is a virtue. There are no magic signals.

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 12:09:31 PM

WingedThing72

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Thank you, thank you. This thread was immensely helpful!

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RE: A little confused on true submission - 11/5/2009 1:48:08 PM

smplyme101

Posts: 22
Joined: 10/30/2009
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Thank you all again, it is great to come back and see that there is some interest in what i've asked and some very very good advice as to how to maybe handle this a little better. Someone once told me...babysteps....i think i may be leaping just a little, thanks all :)

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