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Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 10:46:09 AM

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Joined: 11/8/2009
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I have been faced with the realisation that my Dominant who i thought was pretty caring but alas often 'emotionally unavailable' has on at least three occasions witheld information from me when i have been very upset that he knew would go a long way to ease my hurt.
We had what i was led to believe was a monongomous relationship for several years. When i discovered he had a girlfriend for at least two years plus i was devastated and He cuddled and comforted me. However i later found out by talking to the lady in question a couple weeks later that the relationship had already been over for a good few months.
This baffled me. I assume most Men would be quick to point out it was already over???. Instead he led me to believe it was still going on until there and then at that time. Theres no use asking him... He very quickly changes the topic of conversation if its something he doesnt wasnt to talk about. This is the most extreme example out of several i could mention where he has with held information that he must have known would have make me feel so much better.
What i cant figure out is why would he do this?. I have wondered if its some sort of emotional sadism thing but if it is he has never discussed it with me.

Please does anyone have any ideas?, i find this behaviour very confusing. Thank you

RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 10:59:18 AM

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Maybe the lady you spoke with was a prior relationship that you were not aware of. That one may have ended, but it doesn't necessarily mean it was the only one.

Ever confront someone who has been doing the wrong thing, where you don't just tell them everything you know? Sometimes, more comes out than you've already confirmed.

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(in reply to chocomotive75)

RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 11:08:25 AM

PainfullyCurious

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The first idea is not what you're going to want to hear- Maybe he didn't plan on committing to you even after breaking things off with the other woman and so there was no reason to point out that it was over. It would just make you think he was going to start being someone he's not.

More optimistically, maybe he just doesn't believe in excuses. A lot of people don't want half apologies. Some people think that when they are wrong, taking full responsibility means no excuses. Personally, I would think you are owed an explanation. I always try to explain when I screw up, but it's a matter of perspective. Some people aren't receptive to that.

(I have other concerns about the fact that you say you were "led to believe" certain things that turned out not to be true and you are still sticking around. However, since that is not what you asked about in your post, I will not go into detail unless you ask for it. If I said nothing at all, you might think I agree that that's OK. I don't have the details to help you weigh your options.)

(in reply to chocomotive75)

RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 11:12:06 AM

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Thanks, that could happen in other situations but not this one, i knew his ex or at least had been told she was his ex but she never was an ex it had just carried on when He met me. It is the same woman.

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RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 11:34:25 AM

dreamerdreaming

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He deceives you. One should never put up with deceit.

Dishonesty by omission, is still dishonesty. It will continue, if you stay.

Leave it.

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RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 11:36:27 AM

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You're asking the wrong question. The right question is, why are you still with him?

Leave.

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RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 11:42:38 AM

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quote:

i find this behaviour very confusing

I find your behaviour very confusing. You were "led to believe" you were in a monogamous relationship, you weren't, and now you worry about who said what to whom when? Combine that with a profile that's clearly one way traffic, I am very unclear as to what it is your looking for. Surely you don't want us to answer on behalf of any of these people you talk about, we don't know them. So what then remains is... what?

(in reply to chocomotive75)

RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 11:47:51 AM

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I would be worried about lies, deceit and STD...

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RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 2:53:29 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chocomotive75

What i cant figure out is why would he do this?

Does it really matter? The fact that he could deceit you for that amount of time is enough for you to know his stance toward you.

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RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 4:22:54 PM

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Could be a passive-aggressive thing. Could be a passive-control thing. Could be he's just a dick.

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RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 4:24:27 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chocomotive75
He very quickly changes the topic of conversation if its something he doesnt wasnt to talk about.

Far be it from me to say anything other than "leave his deceitful ass posthaste" but I don't necessarily believe that's the correct solution. Obviously, there's more to the story than your viewpoint. I don't know - call me foolish - but in this crazy, mixed-up BDSM thing, sometimes we "s-types" don't always control the situation.

My Master doesn't deceive me because He does not have to. What He wants goes and He doesn't have to sneak around to do any of it. If I don't like it, I can always say so. He'll hear me out and it may or may not change His mind...His call. Sometimes there are things He doesn't want to talk about, either, at least at that given time. He may change the topic of conversation as you say your master does. I don't find fault with that. He has the authority and He can certainly do something as minor as change the subject without me feeling the need to leave because that makes me think He's being deceptive.

I'd urge you to talk with him. Explain to him how important it is to work this out. Please don't up and leave at the first sign of trouble - if you think it's worth saving.

Good luck.............luci

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RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 4:26:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Could be a passive-aggressive thing. Could be a passive-control thing. Could be he's just a dick.

Could be that he's the one in authority and that's what they've agreed upon. Could be he doesn't wish to answer to her. Could be he has a side to the story too. Could be............luci

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RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/8/2009 5:49:46 PM

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yeah but luci, he told her from the beginning he would be monogamous and then cheated on her. That's a lot different from him making it clear when she signed up that he would fuck whoever he wanted, whenever.

OP you can't trust anything he's told you. Go get a STD scan and don't have unprotected sex with him ever again. If you're lucky he won't have given you a disease THIS time, but there's no guarantee about the next girl he screws.

If you want to stay with him, knowing he can't be trusted to keep his word, then fine. If you need a relationship with someone who is honest, this isn't it. You can't change him. You can only change your circumstances.

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RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/9/2009 7:43:54 AM

CreativeDominant

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Has anyone stopped to think that it might be something else entirely?

Yes, he may have been deceptive. Or not. Yes, he may have been cheating...or not. We only have the poster's side of it, since that is what happens in any thread in which a problem is brought to the boards.

I have been in a situation where the answer I was giving was not always viewed in the way it was intended. I didn't know that. If I had, I am not sure I would have or could have changed my answer but, depending on how important the person is to me, I damn sure would try a different tack. There have been times when I haven't been given that chance in the past and the person I speak of acknowledges that. Out of that, we've both learned that our communication style needs to change...she has to communicate the fact to whoever it is that their words have not left her feeling reassured. I've learned that silence isn't always an indicator that acceptance and reassurance has taken place and I have to continue to ask "what can I say or do to help you feel better in this instance" rather than just assume...arrogantly on my part...that what I have said has had that calming, reassuring effect on someone. Do other things come into play? Sure they do...and they should be taken into account when assessing what type of effect words/actions will have...whether you are the receiver or the listener. Just because calm words of assurance work well with Person A does not mean they would have the same effect with Person B.
Look at the "Distance" threads, the "Humiliation" threads, the "Romance" threads. Look how often assurances that things are going to be O.K. and there is an endgoal or a purpose in sight work for one person yet those same words do not work the same for another. Those threads alone should teach a person that not everyone receives---hears---feels---accepts words in the way they are intended by the giver of those words. And they should teach the Giver of those words that not everyone will hear things in they way that the giver intends.
Perhaps what this gentleman has learned is this...no matter what he says to encourage her, to make her feel better, it does not have that effect. Perhaps he has learned that no matter what he says, she takes it as she will rather than taking it in the way she KNOWS was intended and so words of consolation, of reassurance don't work.

That could be what is at play here. And it could also be that he is, as stated, a man who doesn't care.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/9/2009 8:30:02 AM

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You already know he was doing this and kept it from you. The fact that it was a relationship that simply carried on passed the time when you two got together is not relavant. He is already capable to deceit and the ability to keep up the charade for years. So what makes you think there was only one? Heck, my ex husband had his prior gf, during our first year of marriage, and was cheating on both of us with various women he picked up over the years. People who can cheat and are successful at hiding it for years will probably continue.

Personally, I think that is their true kink.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chocomotive75

Thanks, that could happen in other situations but not this one, i knew his ex or at least had been told she was his ex but she never was an ex it had just carried on when He met me. It is the same woman.

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 11/9/2009 8:32:24 AM >

(in reply to chocomotive75)

RE: Witholds information that would comfort me - 11/12/2009 5:35:34 AM

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Joined: 6/28/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chocomotive75

I have been faced with the realisation that my Dominant who i thought was pretty caring but alas often 'emotionally unavailable' has on at least three occasions witheld information from me when i have been very upset that he knew would go a long way to ease my hurt.
We had what i was led to believe was a monongomous relationship for several years. When i discovered he had a girlfriend for at least two years plus i was devastated and He cuddled and comforted me. However i later found out by talking to the lady in question a couple weeks later that the relationship had already been over for a good few months.
This baffled me. I assume most Men would be quick to point out it was already over???. Instead he led me to believe it was still going on until there and then at that time. Theres no use asking him... He very quickly changes the topic of conversation if its something he doesnt wasnt to talk about. This is the most extreme example out of several i could mention where he has with held information that he must have known would have make me feel so much better.
What i cant figure out is why would he do this?. I have wondered if its some sort of emotional sadism thing but if it is he has never discussed it with me.

Please does anyone have any ideas?, i find this behaviour very confusing. Thank you

you sound like an emotional masochist and him an emotional sadist; but what do i know?

(in reply to chocomotive75)

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