A question about this new realm of dating I'm entering.

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A question about this new realm of dating I'm entering. - 11/14/2009 7:43:10 PM

JBGolden

Posts: 75
Joined: 11/13/2009
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Evening.

I'm not new to dating, and I'm not new to being a Dom (not going to say I'm a SUPER DOM but I'm also not a newbie either.)

But this *is* the first time that I'm looking for an LTR with a sub.

In my heart, I figure that it's not too much different from regular dating: Just a lot more open discussion about
kinks and interest while we explore the Dom/sub aspect in the bedroom at the appropriate time (Not expecting to jump into bed the first date and all that).

But part of me wonder if there's really something different after all. Would other Masters like to offer some insight?

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RE: A question about this new realm of dating I'm enter... - 11/14/2009 7:53:04 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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My Sir says you shouldn't date - you should just have the sub move in with you after the first meeting - because that is what we did.

Of course, it would seem from your posting that you are talking more about bedroom kink than whole house dom/subbing. As long as whoever you meet knows this, i don't see that you should have any trouble with your dates. Plenty of discussion about individual preferences in play and you should do well. Good luck.

(in reply to JBGolden)

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RE: A question about this new realm of dating I'm enter... - 11/14/2009 7:55:21 PM

JBGolden

Posts: 75
Joined: 11/13/2009
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Yeah, it's less about 24/7 and more about just being Dom/sub at home.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

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RE: A question about this new realm of dating I'm enter... - 11/14/2009 7:58:37 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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There seems to be more upfront talk about sex than in vanilla dating, at least in the online portion of it. Once you do get to that coffee date, you don't want to grill her on her favorite fisting position. That's your basic vanilla date, discussing your lives and seeing if there's compatibility and chemistry.

As far as dominance in and out of the bedroom, I come at it from the opposite viewpoint of kiwi. I think you should start slowly with basic bedroom play and then have it grow as she learns to trust you, and as you prove yourself capable of making those important decisions.

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RE: A question about this new realm of dating I'm enter... - 11/14/2009 8:25:00 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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For me it's always been the exact same dating in bdsm as anywhere else..absolutely no different. Get asked out, meet for coffee/lunch/dinner, talk, get to know each other, make plans to meet again and ya know..date.

No different.

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RE: A question about this new realm of dating I'm enter... - 11/18/2009 1:04:09 PM

maugseros

Posts: 44
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline

Here's an interesting thought for discussion.

I once heard a no-beating-around-the-bush description of what "dating" is that went like this: "dating is what two people do together while determining weither or not to have sex. The guy provides the 'dating' part while the woman does the 'deciding' part"

This of course gives the woman most, if not all the power in the relationship. That's what has never sat right with me, even before I knew why.

It's the whole "screw the roses, give me the thorns". If I have to give "roses" to get "thorns", then I have no roses to give. However, if I see in a woman a universe of thorns for my taking, then I have an endless ocean of roses to give.

Could d/s dating be described as saying that the man, shortly into the relationship, is going to remove this "deciding" power from her that our society/culture has bestowed upon her?

Just a thought... :)

(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: A question about this new realm of dating I'm enter... - 11/18/2009 1:15:09 PM

BrokenSaint

Posts: 301
Joined: 10/30/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JBGolden

Evening.

I'm not new to dating, and I'm not new to being a Dom (not going to say I'm a SUPER DOM but I'm also not a newbie either.)

But this *is* the first time that I'm looking for an LTR with a sub.

In my heart, I figure that it's not too much different from regular dating: Just a lot more open discussion about
kinks and interest while we explore the Dom/sub aspect in the bedroom at the appropriate time (Not expecting to jump into bed the first date and all that).

But part of me wonder if there's really something different after all. Would other Masters like to offer some insight?

It's not different at all really. Relax, be you, and cross your fingers. The different part depends on you and them, comes later for most, and is going to differ from situation to situation. The most important part is making sure all the ducks are in a row in terms of compatibility. I suppose there is a difference there, as it's a bit more important to make sure everything is in line first, as relationships in this particular area can get intense quick, and can involve a bit more emotional hurt and withdrawal when things end.

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(in reply to JBGolden)

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RE: A question about this new realm of dating I'm enter... - 11/18/2009 2:12:09 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: maugseros

Could d/s dating be described as saying that the man, shortly into the relationship, is going to remove this "deciding" power from her that our society/culture has bestowed upon her?

Just a thought... :)

As a woman in d/s dating... I have to say I completely disagree with that. When it comes down it to, the men still outnumber the women in general. I'm married and listed as only looking for poly women yet I still get e-mails (usually 2 or 3 a day) trying to get in my pants and have me as their own.

In terms of dating, I've still got the power to decide who and when I fuck and, for now anyway, I've still got plenty of options. When I lose the power to decide is when I select my owner.

Now, I also wouldn't say that the dominant man is powerless either, or that any man is. He is also deciding something. He is deciding if she's worth a relationship, if he wants to stick around, if what she brings to the table is worth it. If they have sex, is that all it will be or will there be a more emotional commitment on his part? The sex part, typically made by the woman, isn't the whole part of dating.

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RE: A question about this new realm of dating I'm enter... - 11/18/2009 2:17:31 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JBGolden

But part of me wonder if there's really something different after all. Would other Masters like to offer some insight?

While not a master, Val and I talk a great deal and I've watched him go from being dubious about BDSM to a 24/7 owner so, as knowing what I want when I'm looking to date a dominant (we are not monogamous).

It's really not that different. You want to figure out what interests you have in common, what things will bind you together and if you want the same things out life - family and that sort.

You do want to figure out how you'll work in d/s since as well. Does she need heavy impact play and hate knifes while you live for cutting? What sort of rules you'll want to put into place and what she is and isn't comfortable with. You don't need to know everything today but just a general idea of where you would like to take things in your relationship.

In the end, it's about finding a person that clicks. While Valyraen and I were "just boyfriend/girlfriend" our interaction was still very dom/sub because that is just who we are and how we interact best together.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to JBGolden)

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